Wife refusing to pitch in with help with aging mother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The projection about OPs wife let’s me know that many feel it’s woman’s work to make ANY sacrifice no matter how pointless.

Soooooooooooo much this. OP's wife is actually the only one in the situation who DOES know what they're facing because of her profession, and she's offered her expertise in the past only to have it ignored. Now they're ignoring her again, but also, plot twist, she's the villain for knowing it's a terrible plan!

Her "plan" is to sit back and do nothing. And, worse, she expects her husband to sit back and do nothing to assist his parents. She is a terrible human being.

No, she's saying that what OP is proposing is unsustainable and cannot be done. She's right. If OP and his dad get their way, this will take a huge toll on OP's marriage *and* they will only admit they need more comprehensive care when OP's mom gets seriously hurt or lost. There's no upside to this plan, only downside.

Again, little empathy for the process that FIL is going through. She is looking at this like a "case" but this is her FIL's life. Instead of offering moral support and solutions to her husband's family she is sitting back and criticizing every damned thing that they do. She sounds like a superior know it all. No wonder they want nothing to do with her.

And more projection! They haven't done a damned thing yet, and the ONE thing that OP has proposed is, frankly, stupid. We don't know what she's suggested or not, just that the current suggestion is two years of her husband spending hours driving, two years of paying more than $10K (that's just the bare minimum child care cost, not the cost that will be required when he can't stick to his unrealistic timeline, and not including gas), and stress, while OP's sister gets away with saying that she can manage one day ("maybe" two). And this will inevitably require more effort -- MIL is just going to get worse -- and it's obvious that OP will be expected to do it.

OP needs to admit that this won't work, and ask his wife to help him figure out a plan that will be more effective.

OMG. Just get off of this 10K of daycare crap. That is not going to happen. This thing is coming to a head with this family and a more permanent placement is going to need to be made for Mom. If the Op's wife gives a sh*t about her husband at all she would research and offer up a detailed strategy for her husband's family or at least give them a danged 800 number to call. If they choose to ignore her professional advice that'll be on them. At least she tried.

Right now she is too busy saying what she will not do. Focus less on how stupidly her husband's family is handling this and actually try to help them in a way that she, as a trained professional, knows how to do.

Actually, if you read the update, she actually DID that. So take your bitchy projections somewhere else.

Good. I wasn't holding out too much hope for this situation because usually when people throw up their hands and say "Not my problem!" "But you babysat heeerrrr kids!" this stuff does not turn out well. I'm glad that Op's wife has more character than that.

[Anonymous]

OP - if your dad has weeks of vacation time banked, he ought to consider using 1/2 days rather than just staying home full time until Medicaid comes through. If he can do that, it would allow him to stay in touch with work which would help him from becoming isolated at home while taking care of your mother. Using 1/2 days would also stretch the amount of time that he has available to do that.

The fact that he hadn't even considered this prior to asking you to start coming in the afternoons to help out may indicate that he's either already at the end of his rope, or has difficulty processing his options and instead will default to just leaning on you for help. Hopefully if nothing else you will have gotten a few useful pieces of advice from this discussion about looking at all possible solutions and the costs associated with each (financial, emotional, etc) before choosing a plan in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The projection about OPs wife let’s me know that many feel it’s woman’s work to make ANY sacrifice no matter how pointless.

Soooooooooooo much this. OP's wife is actually the only one in the situation who DOES know what they're facing because of her profession, and she's offered her expertise in the past only to have it ignored. Now they're ignoring her again, but also, plot twist, she's the villain for knowing it's a terrible plan!

Her "plan" is to sit back and do nothing. And, worse, she expects her husband to sit back and do nothing to assist his parents. She is a terrible human being.

No, she's saying that what OP is proposing is unsustainable and cannot be done. She's right. If OP and his dad get their way, this will take a huge toll on OP's marriage *and* they will only admit they need more comprehensive care when OP's mom gets seriously hurt or lost. There's no upside to this plan, only downside.

Again, little empathy for the process that FIL is going through. She is looking at this like a "case" but this is her FIL's life. Instead of offering moral support and solutions to her husband's family she is sitting back and criticizing every damned thing that they do. She sounds like a superior know it all. No wonder they want nothing to do with her.

Something about OP's post is triggering you to superimpose a lot of assumptions. You're making up new accusations about OP's wife with no basis in fact in every post. You should go for a walk or something.

Yep. Weirdly enough I saw a situation very similar to this years ago. When the inevitable divorce happened the biotch even went for her cut of what was left of her husband's parent's money (and, yes, both parents were still alive). No joke. You can't make this sh*t up.

Stop projecting. Op updated and his wife offered a sensible solution that works for their family. She plans to help on weekends and support with the process of getting the needed care. Still no word though on how the SIL and BIL will help.

SIL and BIL won't help.

Nope. They get to take and take, and no one is going to make them do anything. So why should they? They got what they wanted.

The sister offered to help with two afternoons a week. That sounds reasonable to me. She apparently was the first one to actually offer some concrete assistance so I don't think it's fair to say she's being unhelpful. She just can't do it ALL which is 100% understandable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - if your dad has weeks of vacation time banked, he ought to consider using 1/2 days rather than just staying home full time until Medicaid comes through. If he can do that, it would allow him to stay in touch with work which would help him from becoming isolated at home while taking care of your mother. Using 1/2 days would also stretch the amount of time that he has available to do that.

The fact that he hadn't even considered this prior to asking you to start coming in the afternoons to help out may indicate that he's either already at the end of his rope, or has difficulty processing his options and instead will default to just leaning on you for help. Hopefully if nothing else you will have gotten a few useful pieces of advice from this discussion about looking at all possible solutions and the costs associated with each (financial, emotional, etc) before choosing a plan in the future.

I will guess that he has already put a sizable chunk in his annual leave contending with this and that is a part of why this has become such a crisis now.

I would also caution to understand the pros and cons of FMLA. That leave becomes unpaid after a point and I don't know if that would impact his pension calculation or not. I would be sure to ask about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just remember this and if anything happens on HER side of the family, please ignore and Do Nothing.

If your family is not worth her effort then certainly do not inconvenience yourself for hers.

If she understands that your mother is precious to you then the love in marriage should enable her to understand you need her to help you.

Her parents are dead

So is her heart.

That is some fantastic melodrama. Well done.

Helping out family does not come with a scoreboard.

That’s true.

But you really wouldn’t feel a little used if you never got help from family, and they expected you to make all the sacrifices? To be this sounds like a messed up dynamic.

Everyone helps the wealthy sister (including the mom when she was healthy.) In fact, sister doesn’t have to help — dad and brother give her a pass, but the DIL is the one who has to pay $10K in extra childcare per year and keep her kids in extended days for 11 hours/day so she can help? Come on! There’s not keeping score, and there’s being a doormat!

It seems likely that Op's mom did not feel comfortable helping out with Op's kids because Op's wife had a real chip on her shoulder and Mom was smart enough to know that she would have found fault with every little thing that Op's mom did. Op's mom wanted to keep the peace, she wanted to preserve her relationship with her son and her grandchildren so she avoided potential drama with her DIL. It is very clear that Op's wife is a primadonna who sees offense in every little thing that the in-laws do. She is so self involved that she is making her MIL's dementia all about herself and how it might inconvenience her.

Holy projection Batman!

This narrative you’ve created is nuts! This DIL is going to be vilified no matter what she does. Did you miss the parts where OP outlined how his wife tried to help his sister over the years? Even inviting her and the kids to stay with them at their house for extended periods of time. Yes, the OP’s wife is soooo evil. Now, the sisters Kids are older and the sister lives close to her mom. She’s the most natural person to help. Instead you’re trying to create a narrative where the DIL is evil for being unable to commit to TWO years of elder care for her MIL. All this while DIL has young kids who need care and lives an hour away. It just doesn’t make sense for her family to be the ones driving so much for the daily check-ins.

Once again - this is not all about DIL-ZILLA even though she sure wants to make it all about her and how this inconveniences her.

I agree - this is NOT about the wife. ONCE AGAIN people like you are focusing your own projections onto the wife — and totally ignoring the dysfunction in the OP’s family of origin that has become entrenched over the decades. It’s amazing how enmeshed in vitriol some people have gotten with this. If this is trollin

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just remember this and if anything happens on HER side of the family, please ignore and Do Nothing.

If your family is not worth her effort then certainly do not inconvenience yourself for hers.

If she understands that your mother is precious to you then the love in marriage should enable her to understand you need her to help you.

Her parents are dead

So is her heart.

That is some fantastic melodrama. Well done.

Helping out family does not come with a scoreboard.

As an ideal, I totally agree with you. In practice, though, the people who usually say things like this are often the users an abusers - who are shocked when the overwhelmed people in their long-suffering support systems finally learn how to set healthy values for themselves.

Ha. Another card pulled from the "Not my problem" deck. Ironically, people with excuses like that still think that they deserve a cut of the inheritance money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The projection about OPs wife let’s me know that many feel it’s woman’s work to make ANY sacrifice no matter how pointless.

Soooooooooooo much this. OP's wife is actually the only one in the situation who DOES know what they're facing because of her profession, and she's offered her expertise in the past only to have it ignored. Now they're ignoring her again, but also, plot twist, she's the villain for knowing it's a terrible plan!

Her "plan" is to sit back and do nothing. And, worse, she expects her husband to sit back and do nothing to assist his parents. She is a terrible human being.

No, she's saying that what OP is proposing is unsustainable and cannot be done. She's right. If OP and his dad get their way, this will take a huge toll on OP's marriage *and* they will only admit they need more comprehensive care when OP's mom gets seriously hurt or lost. There's no upside to this plan, only downside.

Again, little empathy for the process that FIL is going through. She is looking at this like a "case" but this is her FIL's life. Instead of offering moral support and solutions to her husband's family she is sitting back and criticizing every damned thing that they do. She sounds like a superior know it all. No wonder they want nothing to do with her.

Something about OP's post is triggering you to superimpose a lot of assumptions. You're making up new accusations about OP's wife with no basis in fact in every post. You should go for a walk or something.

Yep. Weirdly enough I saw a situation very similar to this years ago. When the inevitable divorce happened the biotch even went for her cut of what was left of her husband's parent's money (and, yes, both parents were still alive). No joke. You can't make this sh*t up.

Stop projecting. Op updated and his wife offered a sensible solution that works for their family. She plans to help on weekends and support with the process of getting the needed care. Still no word though on how the SIL and BIL will help.

SIL and BIL won't help.

Nope. They get to take and take, and no one is going to make them do anything. So why should they? They got what they wanted.

The sister offered to help with two afternoons a week. That sounds reasonable to me. She apparently was the first one to actually offer some concrete assistance so I don't think it's fair to say she's being unhelpful. She just can't do it ALL which is 100% understandable.

.

That does sound like a reasonable amount of help. There was another thread where an OP got repeatedly bashed for accepting help from family members who had benefited the most from their parent. There is no solution that will please everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a fascinating thread!
As someone who has been in this EXACT situation here is my story. Moms illness dragged on for 5 years. 3 with dementia. The family members like SIL/BIL did NOTHING. They felt it was someone’s else’s job even though I was many hours away. All the time I lost with my family; ie kids and DH. If I could go back I would have let them put Mom in care much earlier. Caring for a dementia patient is not a job for a teen or a neighbor! It’s really on the father to figure this out not pad out his retirement.

I totally agree with you - but it’s highly possible that getting his full retirement benefits will make the difference between a reasonably comfortable life and many years of great need for both the dad and his wife. It doesn’t sound like the two additional years of work are about luxuries. They will impact everything from income to healthcare for the father and his wife for the rest of their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just remember this and if anything happens on HER side of the family, please ignore and Do Nothing.

If your family is not worth her effort then certainly do not inconvenience yourself for hers.

If she understands that your mother is precious to you then the love in marriage should enable her to understand you need her to help you.

Her parents are dead

So is her heart.

That is some fantastic melodrama. Well done.

Helping out family does not come with a scoreboard.

That’s true.

But you really wouldn’t feel a little used if you never got help from family, and they expected you to make all the sacrifices? To be this sounds like a messed up dynamic.

Everyone helps the wealthy sister (including the mom when she was healthy.) In fact, sister doesn’t have to help — dad and brother give her a pass, but the DIL is the one who has to pay $10K in extra childcare per year and keep her kids in extended days for 11 hours/day so she can help? Come on! There’s not keeping score, and there’s being a doormat!

It seems likely that Op's mom did not feel comfortable helping out with Op's kids because Op's wife had a real chip on her shoulder and Mom was smart enough to know that she would have found fault with every little thing that Op's mom did. Op's mom wanted to keep the peace, she wanted to preserve her relationship with her son and her grandchildren so she avoided potential drama with her DIL. It is very clear that Op's wife is a primadonna who sees offense in every little thing that the in-laws do. She is so self involved that she is making her MIL's dementia all about herself and how it might inconvenience her.

Holy projection Batman!

This narrative you’ve created is nuts! This DIL is going to be vilified no matter what she does. Did you miss the parts where OP outlined how his wife tried to help his sister over the years? Even inviting her and the kids to stay with them at their house for extended periods of time. Yes, the OP’s wife is soooo evil. Now, the sisters Kids are older and the sister lives close to her mom. She’s the most natural person to help. Instead you’re trying to create a narrative where the DIL is evil for being unable to commit to TWO years of elder care for her MIL. All this while DIL has young kids who need care and lives an hour away. It just doesn’t make sense for her family to be the ones driving so much for the daily check-ins.

Once again - this is not all about DIL-ZILLA even though she sure wants to make it all about her and how this inconveniences her.

I agree - this is NOT about the wife. ONCE AGAIN people like you are focusing your own projections onto the wife — and totally ignoring the dysfunction in the OP’s family of origin that has become entrenched over the decades. It’s amazing how enmeshed in vitriol some people have gotten with this. If this is trollin

Bottom line is, the wife was under no obligation to help out the family. But it would have been wrong of her to hinder her husband from helping his own parents. Op and his sister are trying to work together to help their dad. This business of the babysitting is a nonissue. They have to focus on dealing with the crisis at hand. Luckily, Op's wife has decided to offer some help to the family instead of saying "Not my problem!" Good for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a fascinating thread!
As someone who has been in this EXACT situation here is my story. Moms illness dragged on for 5 years. 3 with dementia. The family members like SIL/BIL did NOTHING. They felt it was someone’s else’s job even though I was many hours away. All the time I lost with my family; ie kids and DH. If I could go back I would have let them put Mom in care much earlier. Caring for a dementia patient is not a job for a teen or a neighbor! It’s really on the father to figure this out not pad out his retirement.

I totally agree with you - but it’s highly possible that getting his full retirement benefits will make the difference between a reasonably comfortable life and many years of great need for both the dad and his wife. It doesn’t sound like the two additional years of work are about luxuries. They will impact everything from income to healthcare for the father and his wife for the rest of their lives.

These are very good points.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

My wife contacted my Dad last night and told him that he needs to apply for Medicaid for in home care and the ongoing plan we have will not work. She encouraged my Dad to take a leave of absence and offered to help on the weekends, but not during the week.

My Dad is going to talk to his HR representative today to look into FMLA for a short time.

Thank you everyone for the suggestions. I feel relieved.

That's great, but why did your wife have to be the one to contact YOUR father and come up with a plan? You should have been the one doing this. You'd better thank her profusely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

My wife contacted my Dad last night and told him that he needs to apply for Medicaid for in home care and the ongoing plan we have will not work. She encouraged my Dad to take a leave of absence and offered to help on the weekends, but not during the week.

My Dad is going to talk to his HR representative today to look into FMLA for a short time.

Thank you everyone for the suggestions. I feel relieved.

Great plan! What is your sister doing? She can also take FMLA.

I didn't see this update. I am so glad that your wife was able to offer some assistance. I'm sure it means the world to your dad. Take care and I am really sorry that you are going through this.

Op here, thank you.

My dad has weeks of vacation time banked up so he will just be staying at home for the time being until Medicaid comes through. My wife and I decided it was best to just keep my sister out of the decision making process and tell her what happened. She can volunteer what she is willing to do but I don’t think we can rely on her in the long term.

Good for your dad. It sounds as though you've helped your dad get a good plan moving forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

My wife contacted my Dad last night and told him that he needs to apply for Medicaid for in home care and the ongoing plan we have will not work. She encouraged my Dad to take a leave of absence and offered to help on the weekends, but not during the week.

My Dad is going to talk to his HR representative today to look into FMLA for a short time.

Thank you everyone for the suggestions. I feel relieved.

That's great, but why did your wife have to be the one to contact YOUR father and come up with a plan? You should have been the one doing this. You'd better thank her profusely.

OP Once again DW rides to the rescue which is what BIL/ sister were planning all along. You can be sure there will be lots of complaining about whatever is decided. You need to forget about the tit for tat and appreciate your DW. But get ready for greater and greater ask from your worthless sis and BIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

My wife contacted my Dad last night and told him that he needs to apply for Medicaid for in home care and the ongoing plan we have will not work. She encouraged my Dad to take a leave of absence and offered to help on the weekends, but not during the week.

My Dad is going to talk to his HR representative today to look into FMLA for a short time.

Thank you everyone for the suggestions. I feel relieved.

That's great, but why did your wife have to be the one to contact YOUR father and come up with a plan? You should have been the one doing this. You'd better thank her profusely.

She does this for a living and Op does not....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The projection about OPs wife let’s me know that many feel it’s woman’s work to make ANY sacrifice no matter how pointless.

I agree. What’s also interesting is that the projection and rage is directed at the wife an not the sister. It’s like sanity deserves punishment while selfishness and poor judgement get a pass and endless support. It’s fascinating. And really sad.