Wife refusing to pitch in with help with aging mother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The projection about OPs wife let’s me know that many feel it’s woman’s work to make ANY sacrifice no matter how pointless.

Soooooooooooo much this. OP's wife is actually the only one in the situation who DOES know what they're facing because of her profession, and she's offered her expertise in the past only to have it ignored. Now they're ignoring her again, but also, plot twist, she's the villain for knowing it's a terrible plan!

Her "plan" is to sit back and do nothing. And, worse, she expects her husband to sit back and do nothing to assist his parents. She is a terrible human being.

No, she's saying that what OP is proposing is unsustainable and cannot be done. She's right. If OP and his dad get their way, this will take a huge toll on OP's marriage *and* they will only admit they need more comprehensive care when OP's mom gets seriously hurt or lost. There's no upside to this plan, only downside.

Again, little empathy for the process that FIL is going through. She is looking at this like a "case" but this is her FIL's life. Instead of offering moral support and solutions to her husband's family she is sitting back and criticizing every damned thing that they do. She sounds like a superior know it all. No wonder they want nothing to do with her.

And more projection! They haven't done a damned thing yet, and the ONE thing that OP has proposed is, frankly, stupid. We don't know what she's suggested or not, just that the current suggestion is two years of her husband spending hours driving, two years of paying more than $10K (that's just the bare minimum child care cost, not the cost that will be required when he can't stick to his unrealistic timeline, and not including gas), and stress, while OP's sister gets away with saying that she can manage one day ("maybe" two). And this will inevitably require more effort -- MIL is just going to get worse -- and it's obvious that OP will be expected to do it.

OP needs to admit that this won't work, and ask his wife to help him figure out a plan that will be more effective.

OMG. Just get off of this 10K of daycare crap. That is not going to happen. This thing is coming to a head with this family and a more permanent placement is going to need to be made for Mom. If the Op's wife gives a sh*t about her husband at all she would research and offer up a detailed strategy for her husband's family or at least give them a danged 800 number to call. If they choose to ignore her professional advice that'll be on them. At least she tried.

Right now she is too busy saying what she will not do. Focus less on how stupidly her husband's family is handling this and actually try to help them in a way that she, as a trained professional, knows how to do.

[Anonymous]

Or STFU and stop making a bad situation even worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

My wife contacted my Dad last night and told him that he needs to apply for Medicaid for in home care and the ongoing plan we have will not work. She encouraged my Dad to take a leave of absence and offered to help on the weekends, but not during the week.

My Dad is going to talk to his HR representative today to look into FMLA for a short time.

Thank you everyone for the suggestions. I feel relieved.

Great plan! What is your sister doing? She can also take FMLA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The projection about OPs wife let’s me know that many feel it’s woman’s work to make ANY sacrifice no matter how pointless.

Soooooooooooo much this. OP's wife is actually the only one in the situation who DOES know what they're facing because of her profession, and she's offered her expertise in the past only to have it ignored. Now they're ignoring her again, but also, plot twist, she's the villain for knowing it's a terrible plan!

Her "plan" is to sit back and do nothing. And, worse, she expects her husband to sit back and do nothing to assist his parents. She is a terrible human being.

No, she's saying that what OP is proposing is unsustainable and cannot be done. She's right. If OP and his dad get their way, this will take a huge toll on OP's marriage *and* they will only admit they need more comprehensive care when OP's mom gets seriously hurt or lost. There's no upside to this plan, only downside.

Again, little empathy for the process that FIL is going through. She is looking at this like a "case" but this is her FIL's life. Instead of offering moral support and solutions to her husband's family she is sitting back and criticizing every damned thing that they do. She sounds like a superior know it all. No wonder they want nothing to do with her.

Something about OP's post is triggering you to superimpose a lot of assumptions. You're making up new accusations about OP's wife with no basis in fact in every post. You should go for a walk or something.

Yep. Weirdly enough I saw a situation very similar to this years ago. When the inevitable divorce happened the biotch even went for her cut of what was left of her husband's parent's money (and, yes, both parents were still alive). No joke. You can't make this sh*t up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

My wife contacted my Dad last night and told him that he needs to apply for Medicaid for in home care and the ongoing plan we have will not work. She encouraged my Dad to take a leave of absence and offered to help on the weekends, but not during the week.

My Dad is going to talk to his HR representative today to look into FMLA for a short time.

Thank you everyone for the suggestions. I feel relieved.

Great plan! What is your sister doing? She can also take FMLA.

I didn't see this update. I am so glad that your wife was able to offer some assistance. I'm sure it means the world to your dad. Take care and I am really sorry that you are going through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The projection about OPs wife let’s me know that many feel it’s woman’s work to make ANY sacrifice no matter how pointless.

Soooooooooooo much this. OP's wife is actually the only one in the situation who DOES know what they're facing because of her profession, and she's offered her expertise in the past only to have it ignored. Now they're ignoring her again, but also, plot twist, she's the villain for knowing it's a terrible plan!

Her "plan" is to sit back and do nothing. And, worse, she expects her husband to sit back and do nothing to assist his parents. She is a terrible human being.

No, she's saying that what OP is proposing is unsustainable and cannot be done. She's right. If OP and his dad get their way, this will take a huge toll on OP's marriage *and* they will only admit they need more comprehensive care when OP's mom gets seriously hurt or lost. There's no upside to this plan, only downside.

Again, little empathy for the process that FIL is going through. She is looking at this like a "case" but this is her FIL's life. Instead of offering moral support and solutions to her husband's family she is sitting back and criticizing every damned thing that they do. She sounds like a superior know it all. No wonder they want nothing to do with her.

Something about OP's post is triggering you to superimpose a lot of assumptions. You're making up new accusations about OP's wife with no basis in fact in every post. You should go for a walk or something.

Yep. Weirdly enough I saw a situation very similar to this years ago. When the inevitable divorce happened the biotch even went for her cut of what was left of her husband's parent's money (and, yes, both parents were still alive). No joke. You can't make this sh*t up.

Stop projecting. Op updated and his wife offered a sensible solution that works for their family. She plans to help on weekends and support with the process of getting the needed care. Still no word though on how the SIL and BIL will help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The projection about OPs wife let’s me know that many feel it’s woman’s work to make ANY sacrifice no matter how pointless.

Soooooooooooo much this. OP's wife is actually the only one in the situation who DOES know what they're facing because of her profession, and she's offered her expertise in the past only to have it ignored. Now they're ignoring her again, but also, plot twist, she's the villain for knowing it's a terrible plan!

Her "plan" is to sit back and do nothing. And, worse, she expects her husband to sit back and do nothing to assist his parents. She is a terrible human being.

No, she's saying that what OP is proposing is unsustainable and cannot be done. She's right. If OP and his dad get their way, this will take a huge toll on OP's marriage *and* they will only admit they need more comprehensive care when OP's mom gets seriously hurt or lost. There's no upside to this plan, only downside.

Again, little empathy for the process that FIL is going through. She is looking at this like a "case" but this is her FIL's life. Instead of offering moral support and solutions to her husband's family she is sitting back and criticizing every damned thing that they do. She sounds like a superior know it all. No wonder they want nothing to do with her.

And more projection! They haven't done a damned thing yet, and the ONE thing that OP has proposed is, frankly, stupid. We don't know what she's suggested or not, just that the current suggestion is two years of her husband spending hours driving, two years of paying more than $10K (that's just the bare minimum child care cost, not the cost that will be required when he can't stick to his unrealistic timeline, and not including gas), and stress, while OP's sister gets away with saying that she can manage one day ("maybe" two). And this will inevitably require more effort -- MIL is just going to get worse -- and it's obvious that OP will be expected to do it.

OP needs to admit that this won't work, and ask his wife to help him figure out a plan that will be more effective.

OMG. Just get off of this 10K of daycare crap. That is not going to happen. This thing is coming to a head with this family and a more permanent placement is going to need to be made for Mom. If the Op's wife gives a sh*t about her husband at all she would research and offer up a detailed strategy for her husband's family or at least give them a danged 800 number to call. If they choose to ignore her professional advice that'll be on them. At least she tried.

Right now she is too busy saying what she will not do. Focus less on how stupidly her husband's family is handling this and actually try to help them in a way that she, as a trained professional, knows how to do.

Actually, if you read the update, she actually DID that. So take your bitchy projections somewhere else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

My wife contacted my Dad last night and told him that he needs to apply for Medicaid for in home care and the ongoing plan we have will not work. She encouraged my Dad to take a leave of absence and offered to help on the weekends, but not during the week.

My Dad is going to talk to his HR representative today to look into FMLA for a short time.

Thank you everyone for the suggestions. I feel relieved.

Great plan! What is your sister doing? She can also take FMLA.

I didn't see this update. I am so glad that your wife was able to offer some assistance. I'm sure it means the world to your dad. Take care and I am really sorry that you are going through this.

Op here, thank you.

My dad has weeks of vacation time banked up so he will just be staying at home for the time being until Medicaid comes through. My wife and I decided it was best to just keep my sister out of the decision making process and tell her what happened. She can volunteer what she is willing to do but I don’t think we can rely on her in the long term.

[Anonymous]

Wow, this thread has been going for 22 pages!

OP and his sibling were raised in la-la land by his la-la parents.

Let me get this straight. Parents helped sibling with child care for 10 years. Parents did not help OP and his wife with any child care. Now that the mom needs help, they're expecting OP's wife to sacrifice herself, despite her f/t job, etc. Sibling who received help from parents is saying she cannot help, and nobody is holding her feet to the fire.

Bwahahaha. Yeah, right. If I were OP's wife, I'd tell them all to go jump in a lake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The projection about OPs wife let’s me know that many feel it’s woman’s work to make ANY sacrifice no matter how pointless.

Soooooooooooo much this. OP's wife is actually the only one in the situation who DOES know what they're facing because of her profession, and she's offered her expertise in the past only to have it ignored. Now they're ignoring her again, but also, plot twist, she's the villain for knowing it's a terrible plan!

Her "plan" is to sit back and do nothing. And, worse, she expects her husband to sit back and do nothing to assist his parents. She is a terrible human being.

No, she's saying that what OP is proposing is unsustainable and cannot be done. She's right. If OP and his dad get their way, this will take a huge toll on OP's marriage *and* they will only admit they need more comprehensive care when OP's mom gets seriously hurt or lost. There's no upside to this plan, only downside.

Again, little empathy for the process that FIL is going through. She is looking at this like a "case" but this is her FIL's life. Instead of offering moral support and solutions to her husband's family she is sitting back and criticizing every damned thing that they do. She sounds like a superior know it all. No wonder they want nothing to do with her.

Something about OP's post is triggering you to superimpose a lot of assumptions. You're making up new accusations about OP's wife with no basis in fact in every post. You should go for a walk or something.

Yep. Weirdly enough I saw a situation very similar to this years ago. When the inevitable divorce happened the biotch even went for her cut of what was left of her husband's parent's money (and, yes, both parents were still alive). No joke. You can't make this sh*t up.

Stop projecting. Op updated and his wife offered a sensible solution that works for their family. She plans to help on weekends and support with the process of getting the needed care. Still no word though on how the SIL and BIL will help.

SIL and BIL won't help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

My wife contacted my Dad last night and told him that he needs to apply for Medicaid for in home care and the ongoing plan we have will not work. She encouraged my Dad to take a leave of absence and offered to help on the weekends, but not during the week.

My Dad is going to talk to his HR representative today to look into FMLA for a short time.

Thank you everyone for the suggestions. I feel relieved.

That's great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The projection about OPs wife let’s me know that many feel it’s woman’s work to make ANY sacrifice no matter how pointless.

Soooooooooooo much this. OP's wife is actually the only one in the situation who DOES know what they're facing because of her profession, and she's offered her expertise in the past only to have it ignored. Now they're ignoring her again, but also, plot twist, she's the villain for knowing it's a terrible plan!

Her "plan" is to sit back and do nothing. And, worse, she expects her husband to sit back and do nothing to assist his parents. She is a terrible human being.

No, she's saying that what OP is proposing is unsustainable and cannot be done. She's right. If OP and his dad get their way, this will take a huge toll on OP's marriage *and* they will only admit they need more comprehensive care when OP's mom gets seriously hurt or lost. There's no upside to this plan, only downside.

Again, little empathy for the process that FIL is going through. She is looking at this like a "case" but this is her FIL's life. Instead of offering moral support and solutions to her husband's family she is sitting back and criticizing every damned thing that they do. She sounds like a superior know it all. No wonder they want nothing to do with her.

Something about OP's post is triggering you to superimpose a lot of assumptions. You're making up new accusations about OP's wife with no basis in fact in every post. You should go for a walk or something.

Yep. Weirdly enough I saw a situation very similar to this years ago. When the inevitable divorce happened the biotch even went for her cut of what was left of her husband's parent's money (and, yes, both parents were still alive). No joke. You can't make this sh*t up.

Stop projecting. Op updated and his wife offered a sensible solution that works for their family. She plans to help on weekends and support with the process of getting the needed care. Still no word though on how the SIL and BIL will help.

SIL and BIL won't help.

Nope. They get to take and take, and no one is going to make them do anything. So why should they? They got what they wanted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just remember this and if anything happens on HER side of the family, please ignore and Do Nothing.

If your family is not worth her effort then certainly do not inconvenience yourself for hers.

If she understands that your mother is precious to you then the love in marriage should enable her to understand you need her to help you.

Her parents are dead

So is her heart.

That is some fantastic melodrama. Well done.

Helping out family does not come with a scoreboard.

As an ideal, I totally agree with you. In practice, though, the people who usually say things like this are often the users an abusers - who are shocked when the overwhelmed people in their long-suffering support systems finally learn how to set healthy values for themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just remember this and if anything happens on HER side of the family, please ignore and Do Nothing.

If your family is not worth her effort then certainly do not inconvenience yourself for hers.

If she understands that your mother is precious to you then the love in marriage should enable her to understand you need her to help you.

I hope you realize the applicability of your words. The wife’s parents are deceased. When she needed support, the OP’s family, and probably the OP himself, decided that her needs were “not worth the effort”. The wife’s ability to set healthy boundaries is right in line with your advice to the OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

My wife contacted my Dad last night and told him that he needs to apply for Medicaid for in home care and the ongoing plan we have will not work. She encouraged my Dad to take a leave of absence and offered to help on the weekends, but not during the week.

My Dad is going to talk to his HR representative today to look into FMLA for a short time.

Thank you everyone for the suggestions. I feel relieved.

Great plan! What is your sister doing? She can also take FMLA.

Awesome update!