Wife refusing to pitch in with help with aging mother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

My wife contacted my Dad last night and told him that he needs to apply for Medicaid for in home care and the ongoing plan we have will not work. She encouraged my Dad to take a leave of absence and offered to help on the weekends, but not during the week.

My Dad is going to talk to his HR representative today to look into FMLA for a short time.

Thank you everyone for the suggestions. I feel relieved.

That's great, but why did your wife have to be the one to contact YOUR father and come up with a plan? You should have been the one doing this. You'd better thank her profusely.

OP Once again DW rides to the rescue which is what BIL/ sister were planning all along. You can be sure there will be lots of complaining about whatever is decided. You need to forget about the tit for tat and appreciate your DW. But get ready for greater and greater ask from your worthless sis and BIL.

Just get off the SIL/BIL already. They are not the ones who started in on the drama. Thankfully, the one who did start in on the drama has calmed down and is using her good mind and training to offer help. The goal is to get a good placement for Mom without destroying Dad's health, financial well being and retirement in the process.

[Anonymous]

Sister is the original start of drama with living nearby and maybe 1 afternoon of care or maybe not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sister is the original start of drama with living nearby and maybe 1 afternoon of care or maybe not.

She is the ONLY one who was offering any help at all. And she said one or two afternoons. She is not prepared to do it ALL by herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

My wife contacted my Dad last night and told him that he needs to apply for Medicaid for in home care and the ongoing plan we have will not work. She encouraged my Dad to take a leave of absence and offered to help on the weekends, but not during the week.

My Dad is going to talk to his HR representative today to look into FMLA for a short time.

Thank you everyone for the suggestions. I feel relieved.

Great plan! What is your sister doing? She can also take FMLA.

I didn't see this update. I am so glad that your wife was able to offer some assistance. I'm sure it means the world to your dad. Take care and I am really sorry that you are going through this.

Op here, thank you.

My dad has weeks of vacation time banked up so he will just be staying at home for the time being until Medicaid comes through. My wife and I decided it was best to just keep my sister out of the decision making process and tell her what happened. She can volunteer what she is willing to do but I don’t think we can rely on her in the long term.

I’m glad that you’ve been able to come up with a workable short term solution as well as a long term plan - in a gruelingly difficult situation. Wishing you and your family all the best with this. If you’re in the DC area, consider contacting JCA to see if they have resources that might help you and your family.

[Anonymous]

I'm glad to see OP's update.

I'm sorry you have a deadbeat sister.

[Anonymous]

I too think it's strange that all along your dad has had "weeks of vacation time banked," and you and your wife were being asked to do so much on a regular basis. It's one thing to need help on the weekends or on an occasional busy day. But that you were being asked to drive 2 hours multiple times a week for a quick check in and incur childcare costs and be absent from your young children in order to do this is mind boggling. When there are necessities, you make those sacrifices. But there weren't necessities. What the hell was the point of all this conflict they created bw you and your wife when there was such a simple and obvious solution.

[Anonymous]

OP, you married a good woman.

More than I can say for you and your sister though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

My wife contacted my Dad last night and told him that he needs to apply for Medicaid for in home care and the ongoing plan we have will not work. She encouraged my Dad to take a leave of absence and offered to help on the weekends, but not during the week.

My Dad is going to talk to his HR representative today to look into FMLA for a short time.

Thank you everyone for the suggestions. I feel relieved.

That's great, but why did your wife have to be the one to contact YOUR father and come up with a plan? You should have been the one doing this. You'd better thank her profusely.

She does this for a living and Op does not....

So what? He could ask his wife for advice, but he should have been the one to relay the information and draw the boundary with his family. He relies on his wife for a backbone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The projection about OPs wife let’s me know that many feel it’s woman’s work to make ANY sacrifice no matter how pointless.

I agree. What’s also interesting is that the projection and rage is directed at the wife an not the sister. It’s like sanity deserves punishment while selfishness and poor judgement get a pass and endless support. It’s fascinating. And really sad.

Sitting back and saying "Nope, your plan is sooo dumb and I'm not going to help and neither will you, dh, because SIL and Mom didn't help MEEEEE with chidcare" is not sane or nice or anything but being an embittered, nasty biotch.

You don't interject yourself like that into someone else's tragic situation (and early onset Alzheimer's is tragic) trying to make it all about yourself. Luckily, Op's wife did opt to offer this family some professional guidance. She does this stuff for a living, of course she should help her husband to navigate this hell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sister is the original start of drama with living nearby and maybe 1 afternoon of care or maybe not.

She is the ONLY one who was offering any help at all. And she said one or two afternoons. She is not prepared to do it ALL by herself.

How on earth did yo make the leap from: Maybe one or two afternoons to “ALL by herself”? I hope you read the OP’s update - which includes his sense of what help the family can realistically expect from his sister going forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

My wife contacted my Dad last night and told him that he needs to apply for Medicaid for in home care and the ongoing plan we have will not work. She encouraged my Dad to take a leave of absence and offered to help on the weekends, but not during the week.

My Dad is going to talk to his HR representative today to look into FMLA for a short time.

Thank you everyone for the suggestions. I feel relieved.

That's great, but why did your wife have to be the one to contact YOUR father and come up with a plan? You should have been the one doing this. You'd better thank her profusely.

She does this for a living and Op does not....

So what? He could ask his wife for advice, but he should have been the one to relay the information and draw the boundary with his family. He relies on his wife for a backbone.

I have yet to see how this family has done anything to warrant having boundaries drawn. If anything, the one who was attempted to be steamrolled into taking this ALL on single handed was the sister in this situation. Thankfully, Op and his wife have decided to step up and do their part.

I think that they should keep SIL and BIL apprised of this business about Medicaid. I don't know why they wouldn't do that. Obviously, sis is concerned enough to be trying to help her Dad. I think it's really unfair to treat her like the enemy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sister is the original start of drama with living nearby and maybe 1 afternoon of care or maybe not.

She is the ONLY one who was offering any help at all. And she said one or two afternoons. She is not prepared to do it ALL by herself.

How on earth did yo make the leap from: Maybe one or two afternoons to “ALL by herself”? I hope you read the OP’s update - which includes his sense of what help the family can realistically expect from his sister going forward.

I have read Op's update and I have said that it is good that they have decided to step up and do their share for their dad. But I also saw where they were tempted to throw up their hands and tell the sister to do it all alone. No need to play dumb.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sister is the original start of drama with living nearby and maybe 1 afternoon of care or maybe not.

She is the ONLY one who was offering any help at all. And she said one or two afternoons. She is not prepared to do it ALL by herself.

How on earth did yo make the leap from: Maybe one or two afternoons to “ALL by herself”? I hope you read the OP’s update - which includes his sense of what help the family can realistically expect from his sister going forward.

I have read Op's update and I have said that it is good that they have decided to step up and do their share for their dad. But I also saw where they were tempted to throw up their hands and tell the sister to do it all alone. No need to play dumb.

Bless your heart, angel. Bless your heart!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t find OP to be a very sympathetic actor in this.

No, he's not. I might be consulting a divorce attorney if I were his wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sister is the original start of drama with living nearby and maybe 1 afternoon of care or maybe not.

She is the ONLY one who was offering any help at all. And she said one or two afternoons. She is not prepared to do it ALL by herself.

How on earth did yo make the leap from: Maybe one or two afternoons to “ALL by herself”? I hope you read the OP’s update - which includes his sense of what help the family can realistically expect from his sister going forward.

I have read Op's update and I have said that it is good that they have decided to step up and do their share for their dad. But I also saw where they were tempted to throw up their hands and tell the sister to do it all alone. No need to play dumb.

Bless your heart, angel. Bless your heart!

Buut 10K of Nanny costs FOR TWO YEARS and MIL NEVER BABYSAT FOR MEEEEEEEEEEE. Let's just say we all have our less than shining moments. I am glad that Op and his wife have decided to step up. Keeping SIL/BIL in the dark about the Medicaid thing out of spite is wrong. I would suggest that they try to communicate what steps they are taking to help their Dad.

It's just completely needless stress and drama otherwise.