Support Group for middle aged husbands not having sex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personally I think untreated depression is a real issue, rather than over medication. Depression kills the libido.

There are so many reasons for a sexless marriage. For me it was
1. Childbirth/breastfeeding
2. Unresolved childhood sexual trauma/depression
3. My DH was not attentive to me in bed and 90 % of the focus had always been on him, which is how women are socialized from a young age to meet the needs of the man

We went through some years of no sex or very little which he is was unhappy about but did nothing about.

I eventually got therapy and meds for myself and then marriage therapy and we had some hard conversations. DH had to face how he contributed. For example, in first sex after I had a baby I was nervous and scared. He was mad that it was “unsexy” and it was “killing the mood.” Hello—I was no longer a sexy little 22 year old totally focused on him to the detriment of myself. I was a middle aged woman reassessing my life and making new emotional demands of him like honesty and vulnerability. I needed support.

Lucky for me he respects and loves me and responded and grew in maturity himself. Now when we make love we bring our full selves. It’s very different. If we had not looked hard at ourselves we would not have gotten to this point.

Marriages go through phases as people grow and change. It is seriously hard work. Anyone can go to therapy themselves and start to change their dynamic with their spouse just by changing themselves. If I was unhappy in a sexless marriage I would go to therapy and work on myself.

Oh man yes to all this. I so, so wish I had know that depression was a libido killer for me. I didn’t, so when my libido went down, I didn’t realize what was happening. I felt so much guilt and shame and then anger at DH for the way he basically got mad at me about something that just happened to me. It wasn’t like I thought “you know what I want? A bad sex life. Let’s make that happen.”

I honestly still resent DH for how he handled that. He later told me that was his way of saying “hey I feel like we are growing apart and I’d like to reconnect.” But instead of saying that or planning time for us to be together or asking me if I was okay, he angrily demanded why we were only having sex three times a month. (And then I tried all this stuff to get my libido back like going down on my antidepressant and buying a vibrator and it didn’t work and he didn’t care that I tried any of that. Later he told me I shouldn’t have done those things because he didn’t ask me to. And he is right about that, I can’t expect thanks for doing something he didn’t ask for. But it’s still hard for me to think about)

My depression eventually went away and my drive is back, and we are good now. But the way he reacted to my struggles with anger and selfishness is still going to take some work for me to get over.

Being depressed is hard. But being in a relationship with a depressed person is also very hard. It is especially hard when said depressed person is not aware of their issues, how to talk about them, or how to take control of them. I always suspect that depression, and the communication dysfunction that can result, is behind a huge percentage of bad relationships.

I think that doctors also don't really consider the emotional and libido killing side effects of hormonal birth control, which they hand out like candy starting at very young ages. I get why they do it, but it is something that is not often enough discussed.

I am well aware that it’s hard. And it was hard for my husband even though I was aware of and working on my issues. You did see the part where I said I was on anti-depressants right?

But even if somebody isn’t depressed, even if they are just sad, you shouldn’t approach them in anger and with no empathy when your needs aren’t being met. Actually you should never, ever do that. Approaching somebody in anger when they have done nothing wrong is just not a good move in a relationship.

You seem awfully defensive for a post that is largely agreeing with you. It makes me wonder how you are as a partner. Yes, I saw that you were on anti-depressants, but I also saw that you said it took you a while to handle your issues. I feel bad for your DH, and I feel bad that you still resent him after all of that. But I am just glad I don't live with someone who both put me through the wringer and then held onto resentment about how I handled being put through the wringer.

And "done nothing wrong" is such a ridiculous use of words. Were you "wrong" to have depression? No. Did he have reason to be frustrated or unhappy with you? Sounds like he did, even though you did nothing wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personally I think untreated depression is a real issue, rather than over medication. Depression kills the libido.

There are so many reasons for a sexless marriage. For me it was
1. Childbirth/breastfeeding
2. Unresolved childhood sexual trauma/depression
3. My DH was not attentive to me in bed and 90 % of the focus had always been on him, which is how women are socialized from a young age to meet the needs of the man

We went through some years of no sex or very little which he is was unhappy about but did nothing about.

I eventually got therapy and meds for myself and then marriage therapy and we had some hard conversations. DH had to face how he contributed. For example, in first sex after I had a baby I was nervous and scared. He was mad that it was “unsexy” and it was “killing the mood.” Hello—I was no longer a sexy little 22 year old totally focused on him to the detriment of myself. I was a middle aged woman reassessing my life and making new emotional demands of him like honesty and vulnerability. I needed support.

Lucky for me he respects and loves me and responded and grew in maturity himself. Now when we make love we bring our full selves. It’s very different. If we had not looked hard at ourselves we would not have gotten to this point.

Marriages go through phases as people grow and change. It is seriously hard work. Anyone can go to therapy themselves and start to change their dynamic with their spouse just by changing themselves. If I was unhappy in a sexless marriage I would go to therapy and work on myself.

Oh man yes to all this. I so, so wish I had know that depression was a libido killer for me. I didn’t, so when my libido went down, I didn’t realize what was happening. I felt so much guilt and shame and then anger at DH for the way he basically got mad at me about something that just happened to me. It wasn’t like I thought “you know what I want? A bad sex life. Let’s make that happen.”

I honestly still resent DH for how he handled that. He later told me that was his way of saying “hey I feel like we are growing apart and I’d like to reconnect.” But instead of saying that or planning time for us to be together or asking me if I was okay, he angrily demanded why we were only having sex three times a month. (And then I tried all this stuff to get my libido back like going down on my antidepressant and buying a vibrator and it didn’t work and he didn’t care that I tried any of that. Later he told me I shouldn’t have done those things because he didn’t ask me to. And he is right about that, I can’t expect thanks for doing something he didn’t ask for. But it’s still hard for me to think about)

My depression eventually went away and my drive is back, and we are good now. But the way he reacted to my struggles with anger and selfishness is still going to take some work for me to get over.

I'd like to think I handled my wife's loss of libido (now going on a decade) better than your DH, but I am also filled with resentment that she can't be bothered to meet my needs either. Like I would tell the woman married to the man with ED, something wrong with your hand or mouth?

Yeah this is why I like Emily Nagoski’s framework of sex as not being a need. Her “bothering to meet your needs” would look like her having sex with you even if she really didn’t want to? If my husband had felt that way, if he had pressured me to have sex when I didn’t want to or even wanted to have sex with me when I didn’t want to, I think I would have lost all respect for him. And my depression probably would have gotten worse, knowing that he felt like I owed him my body so that his needs could be met. That almost certainly would have been the kiss of death.

Can you help me understand the concept of sex not being a need or something important to the marriage but it is then so so important that you can't have it with someone else?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personally I think untreated depression is a real issue, rather than over medication. Depression kills the libido.

There are so many reasons for a sexless marriage. For me it was
1. Childbirth/breastfeeding
2. Unresolved childhood sexual trauma/depression
3. My DH was not attentive to me in bed and 90 % of the focus had always been on him, which is how women are socialized from a young age to meet the needs of the man

We went through some years of no sex or very little which he is was unhappy about but did nothing about.

I eventually got therapy and meds for myself and then marriage therapy and we had some hard conversations. DH had to face how he contributed. For example, in first sex after I had a baby I was nervous and scared. He was mad that it was “unsexy” and it was “killing the mood.” Hello—I was no longer a sexy little 22 year old totally focused on him to the detriment of myself. I was a middle aged woman reassessing my life and making new emotional demands of him like honesty and vulnerability. I needed support.

Lucky for me he respects and loves me and responded and grew in maturity himself. Now when we make love we bring our full selves. It’s very different. If we had not looked hard at ourselves we would not have gotten to this point.

Marriages go through phases as people grow and change. It is seriously hard work. Anyone can go to therapy themselves and start to change their dynamic with their spouse just by changing themselves. If I was unhappy in a sexless marriage I would go to therapy and work on myself.

Oh man yes to all this. I so, so wish I had know that depression was a libido killer for me. I didn’t, so when my libido went down, I didn’t realize what was happening. I felt so much guilt and shame and then anger at DH for the way he basically got mad at me about something that just happened to me. It wasn’t like I thought “you know what I want? A bad sex life. Let’s make that happen.”

I honestly still resent DH for how he handled that. He later told me that was his way of saying “hey I feel like we are growing apart and I’d like to reconnect.” But instead of saying that or planning time for us to be together or asking me if I was okay, he angrily demanded why we were only having sex three times a month. (And then I tried all this stuff to get my libido back like going down on my antidepressant and buying a vibrator and it didn’t work and he didn’t care that I tried any of that. Later he told me I shouldn’t have done those things because he didn’t ask me to. And he is right about that, I can’t expect thanks for doing something he didn’t ask for. But it’s still hard for me to think about)

My depression eventually went away and my drive is back, and we are good now. But the way he reacted to my struggles with anger and selfishness is still going to take some work for me to get over.

I'd like to think I handled my wife's loss of libido (now going on a decade) better than your DH, but I am also filled with resentment that she can't be bothered to meet my needs either. Like I would tell the woman married to the man with ED, something wrong with your hand or mouth?

Yeah this is why I like Emily Nagoski’s framework of sex as not being a need. Her “bothering to meet your needs” would look like her having sex with you even if she really didn’t want to? If my husband had felt that way, if he had pressured me to have sex when I didn’t want to or even wanted to have sex with me when I didn’t want to, I think I would have lost all respect for him. And my depression probably would have gotten worse, knowing that he felt like I owed him my body so that his needs could be met. That almost certainly would have been the kiss of death.

So the solution for people who have a spouse who have lost their libido and they aren't going to compromise because they don't owe them their body is what? Suck it up buttercup? I don't see how sex is different from the many things we do for each other that we don't feel like. But I guess if you don't see it as a legitimate need, more like something they people should be able to take or leave, then I get your stance.

You don't understand. The only legitimate needs are the types of emotional coddling she needs. Everything else is a want that someone is selfish for seeking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I heard if you do laundry and dishes and take the kids so she can have me time she will get libido back for you. I’ve never seen that happen. But it’s a theory.

Isn’t that your job as a f**king parent? Maybe she doesn’t want to have sex with a man-child who thinks he should be rewarded for basic contributions to the household.

Can you imagine if moms would get a gold medal for doing the laundry and dishes?!

Or watching our own children?

How do I improve her desire for sex?
Do X,Y,Z.
Doing X,Y,Z didn't work.
Yeah, we were just kidding about that. We just thought you should be doing X,Y,Z anyway.

Well, in fairness, you should be doing X,Y,Z because you are responsible for the house and kids. But no, none of those things will affect her desire to have sex. It's as rediculous when men troll about women needing to do dishes to cure their husband's ED.

If the problem is burnout and exhaustion and not having time to herself, then someone else has to do it.

Also, most women are very turned on by having a husband who takes responsibility for things and is competent. It means she can relax and feel taken care of.

True, if the problem is simply exhaustion that can help. In my experience, it's just the lack of novelty and the same old after years and nothing DH can do to change it. But I would be willing to have more sex if I am rested but it's not going to make me want it.

OK, if you’re well rested and not in the thick of it with young kids and work and all the rest of the typical struggles, then it could be another issue. In that case the woman needs to get her groove back on and bring that energy into the relationship. Women aren’t encouraged enough to be happy and fulfilled, men almost accept it and expect it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I heard if you do laundry and dishes and take the kids so she can have me time she will get libido back for you. I’ve never seen that happen. But it’s a theory.

Isn’t that your job as a f**king parent? Maybe she doesn’t want to have sex with a man-child who thinks he should be rewarded for basic contributions to the household.

Can you imagine if moms would get a gold medal for doing the laundry and dishes?!

Or watching our own children?

How do I improve her desire for sex?
Do X,Y,Z.
Doing X,Y,Z didn't work.
Yeah, we were just kidding about that. We just thought you should be doing X,Y,Z anyway.

Well, in fairness, you should be doing X,Y,Z because you are responsible for the house and kids. But no, none of those things will affect her desire to have sex. It's as rediculous when men troll about women needing to do dishes to cure their husband's ED.

If the problem is burnout and exhaustion and not having time to herself, then someone else has to do it.

Also, most women are very turned on by having a husband who takes responsibility for things and is competent. It means she can relax and feel taken care of.

Guys should definitely be doing X,Y,Z. But it's not a turn on for most women. It's completely separate from sex. I mean, I like it when my wife makes brownies or fills up the gas tank, but those things don't make me horny.

I’m a woman, and it’s a turn on for me! Seeing my husband after he’s taken care of a lot of things and we have time to relax together — yes, definitely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personally I think untreated depression is a real issue, rather than over medication. Depression kills the libido.

There are so many reasons for a sexless marriage. For me it was
1. Childbirth/breastfeeding
2. Unresolved childhood sexual trauma/depression
3. My DH was not attentive to me in bed and 90 % of the focus had always been on him, which is how women are socialized from a young age to meet the needs of the man

We went through some years of no sex or very little which he is was unhappy about but did nothing about.

I eventually got therapy and meds for myself and then marriage therapy and we had some hard conversations. DH had to face how he contributed. For example, in first sex after I had a baby I was nervous and scared. He was mad that it was “unsexy” and it was “killing the mood.” Hello—I was no longer a sexy little 22 year old totally focused on him to the detriment of myself. I was a middle aged woman reassessing my life and making new emotional demands of him like honesty and vulnerability. I needed support.

Lucky for me he respects and loves me and responded and grew in maturity himself. Now when we make love we bring our full selves. It’s very different. If we had not looked hard at ourselves we would not have gotten to this point.

Marriages go through phases as people grow and change. It is seriously hard work. Anyone can go to therapy themselves and start to change their dynamic with their spouse just by changing themselves. If I was unhappy in a sexless marriage I would go to therapy and work on myself.

Oh man yes to all this. I so, so wish I had know that depression was a libido killer for me. I didn’t, so when my libido went down, I didn’t realize what was happening. I felt so much guilt and shame and then anger at DH for the way he basically got mad at me about something that just happened to me. It wasn’t like I thought “you know what I want? A bad sex life. Let’s make that happen.”

I honestly still resent DH for how he handled that. He later told me that was his way of saying “hey I feel like we are growing apart and I’d like to reconnect.” But instead of saying that or planning time for us to be together or asking me if I was okay, he angrily demanded why we were only having sex three times a month. (And then I tried all this stuff to get my libido back like going down on my antidepressant and buying a vibrator and it didn’t work and he didn’t care that I tried any of that. Later he told me I shouldn’t have done those things because he didn’t ask me to. And he is right about that, I can’t expect thanks for doing something he didn’t ask for. But it’s still hard for me to think about)

My depression eventually went away and my drive is back, and we are good now. But the way he reacted to my struggles with anger and selfishness is still going to take some work for me to get over.

I'd like to think I handled my wife's loss of libido (now going on a decade) better than your DH, but I am also filled with resentment that she can't be bothered to meet my needs either. Like I would tell the woman married to the man with ED, something wrong with your hand or mouth?

What's wrong with your hand and mouth? I don't like oral. I think it is really disgusting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personally I think untreated depression is a real issue, rather than over medication. Depression kills the libido.

There are so many reasons for a sexless marriage. For me it was
1. Childbirth/breastfeeding
2. Unresolved childhood sexual trauma/depression
3. My DH was not attentive to me in bed and 90 % of the focus had always been on him, which is how women are socialized from a young age to meet the needs of the man

We went through some years of no sex or very little which he is was unhappy about but did nothing about.

I eventually got therapy and meds for myself and then marriage therapy and we had some hard conversations. DH had to face how he contributed. For example, in first sex after I had a baby I was nervous and scared. He was mad that it was “unsexy” and it was “killing the mood.” Hello—I was no longer a sexy little 22 year old totally focused on him to the detriment of myself. I was a middle aged woman reassessing my life and making new emotional demands of him like honesty and vulnerability. I needed support.

Lucky for me he respects and loves me and responded and grew in maturity himself. Now when we make love we bring our full selves. It’s very different. If we had not looked hard at ourselves we would not have gotten to this point.

Marriages go through phases as people grow and change. It is seriously hard work. Anyone can go to therapy themselves and start to change their dynamic with their spouse just by changing themselves. If I was unhappy in a sexless marriage I would go to therapy and work on myself.

Oh man yes to all this. I so, so wish I had know that depression was a libido killer for me. I didn’t, so when my libido went down, I didn’t realize what was happening. I felt so much guilt and shame and then anger at DH for the way he basically got mad at me about something that just happened to me. It wasn’t like I thought “you know what I want? A bad sex life. Let’s make that happen.”

I honestly still resent DH for how he handled that. He later told me that was his way of saying “hey I feel like we are growing apart and I’d like to reconnect.” But instead of saying that or planning time for us to be together or asking me if I was okay, he angrily demanded why we were only having sex three times a month. (And then I tried all this stuff to get my libido back like going down on my antidepressant and buying a vibrator and it didn’t work and he didn’t care that I tried any of that. Later he told me I shouldn’t have done those things because he didn’t ask me to. And he is right about that, I can’t expect thanks for doing something he didn’t ask for. But it’s still hard for me to think about)

My depression eventually went away and my drive is back, and we are good now. But the way he reacted to my struggles with anger and selfishness is still going to take some work for me to get over.

I'd like to think I handled my wife's loss of libido (now going on a decade) better than your DH, but I am also filled with resentment that she can't be bothered to meet my needs either. Like I would tell the woman married to the man with ED, something wrong with your hand or mouth?

Yeah this is why I like Emily Nagoski’s framework of sex as not being a need. Her “bothering to meet your needs” would look like her having sex with you even if she really didn’t want to? If my husband had felt that way, if he had pressured me to have sex when I didn’t want to or even wanted to have sex with me when I didn’t want to, I think I would have lost all respect for him. And my depression probably would have gotten worse, knowing that he felt like I owed him my body so that his needs could be met. That almost certainly would have been the kiss of death.

So the solution for people who have a spouse who have lost their libido and they aren't going to compromise because they don't owe them their body is what? Suck it up buttercup? I don't see how sex is different from the many things we do for each other that we don't feel like. But I guess if you don't see it as a legitimate need, more like something they people should be able to take or leave, then I get your stance.

You don't understand. The only legitimate needs are the types of emotional coddling she needs. Everything else is a want that someone is selfish for seeking.

dp Why are you telling your wife/girlfriend to "suck it up" when you find it so offensive? The difference between any other chore you have to do it doesn't involve giving your body up for someone. Don't you see the difference between cleaning the cat liter and going shopping and making women feel like they have to have sex with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would he still be up for sex every day if his wife came and he didn't and that was just his bad luck? Try doing that for a while and please report back on whether your libido changes.

This is a good question.

Agree. Don’t think he’d be so eager to do it every day if roles were reversed. Dude probably isn’t doing his job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personally I think untreated depression is a real issue, rather than over medication. Depression kills the libido.

There are so many reasons for a sexless marriage. For me it was
1. Childbirth/breastfeeding
2. Unresolved childhood sexual trauma/depression
3. My DH was not attentive to me in bed and 90 % of the focus had always been on him, which is how women are socialized from a young age to meet the needs of the man

We went through some years of no sex or very little which he is was unhappy about but did nothing about.

I eventually got therapy and meds for myself and then marriage therapy and we had some hard conversations. DH had to face how he contributed. For example, in first sex after I had a baby I was nervous and scared. He was mad that it was “unsexy” and it was “killing the mood.” Hello—I was no longer a sexy little 22 year old totally focused on him to the detriment of myself. I was a middle aged woman reassessing my life and making new emotional demands of him like honesty and vulnerability. I needed support.

Lucky for me he respects and loves me and responded and grew in maturity himself. Now when we make love we bring our full selves. It’s very different. If we had not looked hard at ourselves we would not have gotten to this point.

Marriages go through phases as people grow and change. It is seriously hard work. Anyone can go to therapy themselves and start to change their dynamic with their spouse just by changing themselves. If I was unhappy in a sexless marriage I would go to therapy and work on myself.

Oh man yes to all this. I so, so wish I had know that depression was a libido killer for me. I didn’t, so when my libido went down, I didn’t realize what was happening. I felt so much guilt and shame and then anger at DH for the way he basically got mad at me about something that just happened to me. It wasn’t like I thought “you know what I want? A bad sex life. Let’s make that happen.”

I honestly still resent DH for how he handled that. He later told me that was his way of saying “hey I feel like we are growing apart and I’d like to reconnect.” But instead of saying that or planning time for us to be together or asking me if I was okay, he angrily demanded why we were only having sex three times a month. (And then I tried all this stuff to get my libido back like going down on my antidepressant and buying a vibrator and it didn’t work and he didn’t care that I tried any of that. Later he told me I shouldn’t have done those things because he didn’t ask me to. And he is right about that, I can’t expect thanks for doing something he didn’t ask for. But it’s still hard for me to think about)

My depression eventually went away and my drive is back, and we are good now. But the way he reacted to my struggles with anger and selfishness is still going to take some work for me to get over.

I'd like to think I handled my wife's loss of libido (now going on a decade) better than your DH, but I am also filled with resentment that she can't be bothered to meet my needs either. Like I would tell the woman married to the man with ED, something wrong with your hand or mouth?

Yeah this is why I like Emily Nagoski’s framework of sex as not being a need. Her “bothering to meet your needs” would look like her having sex with you even if she really didn’t want to? If my husband had felt that way, if he had pressured me to have sex when I didn’t want to or even wanted to have sex with me when I didn’t want to, I think I would have lost all respect for him. And my depression probably would have gotten worse, knowing that he felt like I owed him my body so that his needs could be met. That almost certainly would have been the kiss of death.

So the solution for people who have a spouse who have lost their libido and they aren't going to compromise because they don't owe them their body is what? Suck it up buttercup? I don't see how sex is different from the many things we do for each other that we don't feel like. But I guess if you don't see it as a legitimate need, more like something they people should be able to take or leave, then I get your stance.

You don't understand. The only legitimate needs are the types of emotional coddling she needs. Everything else is a want that someone is selfish for seeking.

dp Why are you telling your wife/girlfriend to "suck it up" when you find it so offensive? The difference between any other chore you have to do it doesn't involve giving your body up for someone. Don't you see the difference between cleaning the cat liter and going shopping and making women feel like they have to have sex with you?

Your response makes no sense. No one is talking about chores. If you see any emotional or intimacy need as a chore, you need to reevaluate your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personally I think untreated depression is a real issue, rather than over medication. Depression kills the libido.

There are so many reasons for a sexless marriage. For me it was
1. Childbirth/breastfeeding
2. Unresolved childhood sexual trauma/depression
3. My DH was not attentive to me in bed and 90 % of the focus had always been on him, which is how women are socialized from a young age to meet the needs of the man

We went through some years of no sex or very little which he is was unhappy about but did nothing about.

I eventually got therapy and meds for myself and then marriage therapy and we had some hard conversations. DH had to face how he contributed. For example, in first sex after I had a baby I was nervous and scared. He was mad that it was “unsexy” and it was “killing the mood.” Hello—I was no longer a sexy little 22 year old totally focused on him to the detriment of myself. I was a middle aged woman reassessing my life and making new emotional demands of him like honesty and vulnerability. I needed support.

Lucky for me he respects and loves me and responded and grew in maturity himself. Now when we make love we bring our full selves. It’s very different. If we had not looked hard at ourselves we would not have gotten to this point.

Marriages go through phases as people grow and change. It is seriously hard work. Anyone can go to therapy themselves and start to change their dynamic with their spouse just by changing themselves. If I was unhappy in a sexless marriage I would go to therapy and work on myself.

Oh man yes to all this. I so, so wish I had know that depression was a libido killer for me. I didn’t, so when my libido went down, I didn’t realize what was happening. I felt so much guilt and shame and then anger at DH for the way he basically got mad at me about something that just happened to me. It wasn’t like I thought “you know what I want? A bad sex life. Let’s make that happen.”

I honestly still resent DH for how he handled that. He later told me that was his way of saying “hey I feel like we are growing apart and I’d like to reconnect.” But instead of saying that or planning time for us to be together or asking me if I was okay, he angrily demanded why we were only having sex three times a month. (And then I tried all this stuff to get my libido back like going down on my antidepressant and buying a vibrator and it didn’t work and he didn’t care that I tried any of that. Later he told me I shouldn’t have done those things because he didn’t ask me to. And he is right about that, I can’t expect thanks for doing something he didn’t ask for. But it’s still hard for me to think about)

My depression eventually went away and my drive is back, and we are good now. But the way he reacted to my struggles with anger and selfishness is still going to take some work for me to get over.

I'd like to think I handled my wife's loss of libido (now going on a decade) better than your DH, but I am also filled with resentment that she can't be bothered to meet my needs either. Like I would tell the woman married to the man with ED, something wrong with your hand or mouth?

Yeah this is why I like Emily Nagoski’s framework of sex as not being a need. Her “bothering to meet your needs” would look like her having sex with you even if she really didn’t want to? If my husband had felt that way, if he had pressured me to have sex when I didn’t want to or even wanted to have sex with me when I didn’t want to, I think I would have lost all respect for him. And my depression probably would have gotten worse, knowing that he felt like I owed him my body so that his needs could be met. That almost certainly would have been the kiss of death.

So the solution for people who have a spouse who have lost their libido and they aren't going to compromise because they don't owe them their body is what? Suck it up buttercup? I don't see how sex is different from the many things we do for each other that we don't feel like. But I guess if you don't see it as a legitimate need, more like something they people should be able to take or leave, then I get your stance.

You don't understand. The only legitimate needs are the types of emotional coddling she needs. Everything else is a want that someone is selfish for seeking.

dp Why are you telling your wife/girlfriend to "suck it up" when you find it so offensive? The difference between any other chore you have to do it doesn't involve giving your body up for someone. Don't you see the difference between cleaning the cat liter and going shopping and making women feel like they have to have sex with you?

Your response makes no sense. No one is talking about chores. If you see any emotional or intimacy need as a chore, you need to reevaluate your life.

DP. Maybe I’m misunderstanding you, but I’d like to take a step back from his for a moment. How does sex foster emotional intimacy when it is being demanded of someone who isn’t already feeling emotional intimacy from the person demanding sex?

[Anonymous]

New poster but sex for men is the way most of us connect. Emotionally and physically. If that goes, so does the connection.

Most men who love their wives understand there will be periods where their wives may not be in the mood, even for extended periods. But to just declare they aren't interested in general and there is nothing to be done about it is the kids of death. Just the way men are wired.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:New poster but sex for men is the way most of us connect. Emotionally and physically. If that goes, so does the connection.

Most men who love their wives understand there will be periods where their wives may not be in the mood, even for extended periods. But to just declare they aren't interested in general and there is nothing to be done about it is the kids of death. Just the way men are wired.

For every guy who says there is another guy saying that sex is just physical and when they have an affair it’s about the physical release only.

Which is it? Your expression of love and intimacy, or just a physical need? Make up your mind.

And if you say it’s both of those things then understand that your on confusion about sex makes it pretty hard for women to understand where your head is at.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personally I think untreated depression is a real issue, rather than over medication. Depression kills the libido.

There are so many reasons for a sexless marriage. For me it was
1. Childbirth/breastfeeding
2. Unresolved childhood sexual trauma/depression
3. My DH was not attentive to me in bed and 90 % of the focus had always been on him, which is how women are socialized from a young age to meet the needs of the man

We went through some years of no sex or very little which he is was unhappy about but did nothing about.

I eventually got therapy and meds for myself and then marriage therapy and we had some hard conversations. DH had to face how he contributed. For example, in first sex after I had a baby I was nervous and scared. He was mad that it was “unsexy” and it was “killing the mood.” Hello—I was no longer a sexy little 22 year old totally focused on him to the detriment of myself. I was a middle aged woman reassessing my life and making new emotional demands of him like honesty and vulnerability. I needed support.

Lucky for me he respects and loves me and responded and grew in maturity himself. Now when we make love we bring our full selves. It’s very different. If we had not looked hard at ourselves we would not have gotten to this point.

Marriages go through phases as people grow and change. It is seriously hard work. Anyone can go to therapy themselves and start to change their dynamic with their spouse just by changing themselves. If I was unhappy in a sexless marriage I would go to therapy and work on myself.

Oh man yes to all this. I so, so wish I had know that depression was a libido killer for me. I didn’t, so when my libido went down, I didn’t realize what was happening. I felt so much guilt and shame and then anger at DH for the way he basically got mad at me about something that just happened to me. It wasn’t like I thought “you know what I want? A bad sex life. Let’s make that happen.”

I honestly still resent DH for how he handled that. He later told me that was his way of saying “hey I feel like we are growing apart and I’d like to reconnect.” But instead of saying that or planning time for us to be together or asking me if I was okay, he angrily demanded why we were only having sex three times a month. (And then I tried all this stuff to get my libido back like going down on my antidepressant and buying a vibrator and it didn’t work and he didn’t care that I tried any of that. Later he told me I shouldn’t have done those things because he didn’t ask me to. And he is right about that, I can’t expect thanks for doing something he didn’t ask for. But it’s still hard for me to think about)

My depression eventually went away and my drive is back, and we are good now. But the way he reacted to my struggles with anger and selfishness is still going to take some work for me to get over.

I'd like to think I handled my wife's loss of libido (now going on a decade) better than your DH, but I am also filled with resentment that she can't be bothered to meet my needs either. Like I would tell the woman married to the man with ED, something wrong with your hand or mouth?

Yeah this is why I like Emily Nagoski’s framework of sex as not being a need. Her “bothering to meet your needs” would look like her having sex with you even if she really didn’t want to? If my husband had felt that way, if he had pressured me to have sex when I didn’t want to or even wanted to have sex with me when I didn’t want to, I think I would have lost all respect for him. And my depression probably would have gotten worse, knowing that he felt like I owed him my body so that his needs could be met. That almost certainly would have been the kiss of death.

So the solution for people who have a spouse who have lost their libido and they aren't going to compromise because they don't owe them their body is what? Suck it up buttercup? I don't see how sex is different from the many things we do for each other that we don't feel like. But I guess if you don't see it as a legitimate need, more like something they people should be able to take or leave, then I get your stance.

You don't understand. The only legitimate needs are the types of emotional coddling she needs. Everything else is a want that someone is selfish for seeking.

dp Why are you telling your wife/girlfriend to "suck it up" when you find it so offensive? The difference between any other chore you have to do it doesn't involve giving your body up for someone. Don't you see the difference between cleaning the cat liter and going shopping and making women feel like they have to have sex with you?

Your response makes no sense. No one is talking about chores. If you see any emotional or intimacy need as a chore, you need to reevaluate your life.

DP. Maybe I’m misunderstanding you, but I’d like to take a step back from his for a moment. How does sex foster emotional intimacy when it is being demanded of someone who isn’t already feeling emotional intimacy from the person demanding sex?

My point was that needing to reach out to the other person -- and provide the emotional connection and intimacy they need on their terms -- runs both ways. The problem with so many of these posts is that complaints about a husband not providing the emotional connection and intimacy a wife needs is seen as the husband's failing. But a woman not providing the emotional connection or intimacy a husband needs is seen as justified by the husband's failures.

I should add -- you are probably making all kinds of wrong assumptions about who I am. And I don't have any of these problems. But the reflexive blame for certain parties is tiresome in these threads.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personally I think untreated depression is a real issue, rather than over medication. Depression kills the libido.

There are so many reasons for a sexless marriage. For me it was
1. Childbirth/breastfeeding
2. Unresolved childhood sexual trauma/depression
3. My DH was not attentive to me in bed and 90 % of the focus had always been on him, which is how women are socialized from a young age to meet the needs of the man

We went through some years of no sex or very little which he is was unhappy about but did nothing about.

I eventually got therapy and meds for myself and then marriage therapy and we had some hard conversations. DH had to face how he contributed. For example, in first sex after I had a baby I was nervous and scared. He was mad that it was “unsexy” and it was “killing the mood.” Hello—I was no longer a sexy little 22 year old totally focused on him to the detriment of myself. I was a middle aged woman reassessing my life and making new emotional demands of him like honesty and vulnerability. I needed support.

Lucky for me he respects and loves me and responded and grew in maturity himself. Now when we make love we bring our full selves. It’s very different. If we had not looked hard at ourselves we would not have gotten to this point.

Marriages go through phases as people grow and change. It is seriously hard work. Anyone can go to therapy themselves and start to change their dynamic with their spouse just by changing themselves. If I was unhappy in a sexless marriage I would go to therapy and work on myself.

Oh man yes to all this. I so, so wish I had know that depression was a libido killer for me. I didn’t, so when my libido went down, I didn’t realize what was happening. I felt so much guilt and shame and then anger at DH for the way he basically got mad at me about something that just happened to me. It wasn’t like I thought “you know what I want? A bad sex life. Let’s make that happen.”

I honestly still resent DH for how he handled that. He later told me that was his way of saying “hey I feel like we are growing apart and I’d like to reconnect.” But instead of saying that or planning time for us to be together or asking me if I was okay, he angrily demanded why we were only having sex three times a month. (And then I tried all this stuff to get my libido back like going down on my antidepressant and buying a vibrator and it didn’t work and he didn’t care that I tried any of that. Later he told me I shouldn’t have done those things because he didn’t ask me to. And he is right about that, I can’t expect thanks for doing something he didn’t ask for. But it’s still hard for me to think about)

My depression eventually went away and my drive is back, and we are good now. But the way he reacted to my struggles with anger and selfishness is still going to take some work for me to get over.

I'd like to think I handled my wife's loss of libido (now going on a decade) better than your DH, but I am also filled with resentment that she can't be bothered to meet my needs either. Like I would tell the woman married to the man with ED, something wrong with your hand or mouth?

Yeah this is why I like Emily Nagoski’s framework of sex as not being a need. Her “bothering to meet your needs” would look like her having sex with you even if she really didn’t want to? If my husband had felt that way, if he had pressured me to have sex when I didn’t want to or even wanted to have sex with me when I didn’t want to, I think I would have lost all respect for him. And my depression probably would have gotten worse, knowing that he felt like I owed him my body so that his needs could be met. That almost certainly would have been the kiss of death.

So the solution for people who have a spouse who have lost their libido and they aren't going to compromise because they don't owe them their body is what? Suck it up buttercup? I don't see how sex is different from the many things we do for each other that we don't feel like. But I guess if you don't see it as a legitimate need, more like something they people should be able to take or leave, then I get your stance.

You don't understand. The only legitimate needs are the types of emotional coddling she needs. Everything else is a want that someone is selfish for seeking.

dp Why are you telling your wife/girlfriend to "suck it up" when you find it so offensive? The difference between any other chore you have to do it doesn't involve giving your body up for someone. Don't you see the difference between cleaning the cat liter and going shopping and making women feel like they have to have sex with you?

Your response makes no sense. No one is talking about chores. If you see any emotional or intimacy need as a chore, you need to reevaluate your life.

DP. Maybe I’m misunderstanding you, but I’d like to take a step back from his for a moment. How does sex foster emotional intimacy when it is being demanded of someone who isn’t already feeling emotional intimacy from the person demanding sex?

How do backrubs/long conversations/date nights/etc. "foster emotional intimacy when it is being demanded of someone who isn’t already feeling emotional intimacy from the person demanding" that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personally I think untreated depression is a real issue, rather than over medication. Depression kills the libido.

There are so many reasons for a sexless marriage. For me it was
1. Childbirth/breastfeeding
2. Unresolved childhood sexual trauma/depression
3. My DH was not attentive to me in bed and 90 % of the focus had always been on him, which is how women are socialized from a young age to meet the needs of the man

We went through some years of no sex or very little which he is was unhappy about but did nothing about.

I eventually got therapy and meds for myself and then marriage therapy and we had some hard conversations. DH had to face how he contributed. For example, in first sex after I had a baby I was nervous and scared. He was mad that it was “unsexy” and it was “killing the mood.” Hello—I was no longer a sexy little 22 year old totally focused on him to the detriment of myself. I was a middle aged woman reassessing my life and making new emotional demands of him like honesty and vulnerability. I needed support.

Lucky for me he respects and loves me and responded and grew in maturity himself. Now when we make love we bring our full selves. It’s very different. If we had not looked hard at ourselves we would not have gotten to this point.

Marriages go through phases as people grow and change. It is seriously hard work. Anyone can go to therapy themselves and start to change their dynamic with their spouse just by changing themselves. If I was unhappy in a sexless marriage I would go to therapy and work on myself.

Oh man yes to all this. I so, so wish I had know that depression was a libido killer for me. I didn’t, so when my libido went down, I didn’t realize what was happening. I felt so much guilt and shame and then anger at DH for the way he basically got mad at me about something that just happened to me. It wasn’t like I thought “you know what I want? A bad sex life. Let’s make that happen.”

I honestly still resent DH for how he handled that. He later told me that was his way of saying “hey I feel like we are growing apart and I’d like to reconnect.” But instead of saying that or planning time for us to be together or asking me if I was okay, he angrily demanded why we were only having sex three times a month. (And then I tried all this stuff to get my libido back like going down on my antidepressant and buying a vibrator and it didn’t work and he didn’t care that I tried any of that. Later he told me I shouldn’t have done those things because he didn’t ask me to. And he is right about that, I can’t expect thanks for doing something he didn’t ask for. But it’s still hard for me to think about)

My depression eventually went away and my drive is back, and we are good now. But the way he reacted to my struggles with anger and selfishness is still going to take some work for me to get over.

I'd like to think I handled my wife's loss of libido (now going on a decade) better than your DH, but I am also filled with resentment that she can't be bothered to meet my needs either. Like I would tell the woman married to the man with ED, something wrong with your hand or mouth?

Yeah this is why I like Emily Nagoski’s framework of sex as not being a need. Her “bothering to meet your needs” would look like her having sex with you even if she really didn’t want to? If my husband had felt that way, if he had pressured me to have sex when I didn’t want to or even wanted to have sex with me when I didn’t want to, I think I would have lost all respect for him. And my depression probably would have gotten worse, knowing that he felt like I owed him my body so that his needs could be met. That almost certainly would have been the kiss of death.

So the solution for people who have a spouse who have lost their libido and they aren't going to compromise because they don't owe them their body is what? Suck it up buttercup? I don't see how sex is different from the many things we do for each other that we don't feel like. But I guess if you don't see it as a legitimate need, more like something they people should be able to take or leave, then I get your stance.

You don't understand. The only legitimate needs are the types of emotional coddling she needs. Everything else is a want that someone is selfish for seeking.

dp Why are you telling your wife/girlfriend to "suck it up" when you find it so offensive? The difference between any other chore you have to do it doesn't involve giving your body up for someone. Don't you see the difference between cleaning the cat liter and going shopping and making women feel like they have to have sex with you?

Your response makes no sense. No one is talking about chores. If you see any emotional or intimacy need as a chore, you need to reevaluate your life.

DP. Maybe I’m misunderstanding you, but I’d like to take a step back from his for a moment. How does sex foster emotional intimacy when it is being demanded of someone who isn’t already feeling emotional intimacy from the person demanding sex?

How do backrubs/long conversations/date nights/etc. "foster emotional intimacy when it is being demanded of someone who isn’t already feeling emotional intimacy from the person demanding" that?

If you don’t enjoy spending non-sexual time with your spouse, there are deeper issues in your marriage that need marriage counseling or divorce.