Support Group for middle aged husbands not having sex

[Anonymous]

Personally I think untreated depression is a real issue, rather than over medication. Depression kills the libido.

There are so many reasons for a sexless marriage. For me it was
1. Childbirth/breastfeeding
2. Unresolved childhood sexual trauma/depression
3. My DH was not attentive to me in bed and 90 % of the focus had always been on him, which is how women are socialized from a young age to meet the needs of the man

We went through some years of no sex or very little which he is was unhappy about but did nothing about.

I eventually got therapy and meds for myself and then marriage therapy and we had some hard conversations. DH had to face how he contributed. For example, in first sex after I had a baby I was nervous and scared. He was mad that it was “unsexy” and it was “killing the mood.” Hello—I was no longer a sexy little 22 year old totally focused on him to the detriment of myself. I was a middle aged woman reassessing my life and making new emotional demands of him like honesty and vulnerability. I needed support.

Lucky for me he respects and loves me and responded and grew in maturity himself. Now when we make love we bring our full selves. It’s very different. If we had not looked hard at ourselves we would not have gotten to this point.

Marriages go through phases as people grow and change. It is seriously hard work. Anyone can go to therapy themselves and start to change their dynamic with their spouse just by changing themselves. If I was unhappy in a sexless marriage I would go to therapy and work on myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I heard if you do laundry and dishes and take the kids so she can have me time she will get libido back for you. I’ve never seen that happen. But it’s a theory.

Isn’t that your job as a f**king parent? Maybe she doesn’t want to have sex with a man-child who thinks he should be rewarded for basic contributions to the household.

Can you imagine if moms would get a gold medal for doing the laundry and dishes?!

Or watching our own children?

How do I improve her desire for sex?
Do X,Y,Z.
Doing X,Y,Z didn't work.
Yeah, we were just kidding about that. We just thought you should be doing X,Y,Z anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I heard if you do laundry and dishes and take the kids so she can have me time she will get libido back for you. I’ve never seen that happen. But it’s a theory.

Isn’t that your job as a f**king parent? Maybe she doesn’t want to have sex with a man-child who thinks he should be rewarded for basic contributions to the household.

Can you imagine if moms would get a gold medal for doing the laundry and dishes?!

Or watching our own children?

How do I improve her desire for sex?
Do X,Y,Z.
Doing X,Y,Z didn't work.
Yeah, we were just kidding about that. We just thought you should be doing X,Y,Z anyway.

Well, in fairness, you should be doing X,Y,Z because you are responsible for the house and kids. But no, none of those things will affect her desire to have sex. It's as rediculous when men troll about women needing to do dishes to cure their husband's ED.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I heard if you do laundry and dishes and take the kids so she can have me time she will get libido back for you. I’ve never seen that happen. But it’s a theory.

Isn’t that your job as a f**king parent? Maybe she doesn’t want to have sex with a man-child who thinks he should be rewarded for basic contributions to the household.

Can you imagine if moms would get a gold medal for doing the laundry and dishes?!

Or watching our own children?

How do I improve her desire for sex?
Do X,Y,Z.
Doing X,Y,Z didn't work.
Yeah, we were just kidding about that. We just thought you should be doing X,Y,Z anyway.

Well, in fairness, you should be doing X,Y,Z because you are responsible for the house and kids. But no, none of those things will affect her desire to have sex. It's as rediculous when men troll about women needing to do dishes to cure their husband's ED.

If the problem is burnout and exhaustion and not having time to herself, then someone else has to do it.

Also, most women are very turned on by having a husband who takes responsibility for things and is competent. It means she can relax and feel taken care of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I heard if you do laundry and dishes and take the kids so she can have me time she will get libido back for you. I’ve never seen that happen. But it’s a theory.

Isn’t that your job as a f**king parent? Maybe she doesn’t want to have sex with a man-child who thinks he should be rewarded for basic contributions to the household.

Can you imagine if moms would get a gold medal for doing the laundry and dishes?!

Or watching our own children?

How do I improve her desire for sex?
Do X,Y,Z.
Doing X,Y,Z didn't work.
Yeah, we were just kidding about that. We just thought you should be doing X,Y,Z anyway.

Well, in fairness, you should be doing X,Y,Z because you are responsible for the house and kids. But no, none of those things will affect her desire to have sex. It's as rediculous when men troll about women needing to do dishes to cure their husband's ED.

If the problem is burnout and exhaustion and not having time to herself, then someone else has to do it.

Also, most women are very turned on by having a husband who takes responsibility for things and is competent. It means she can relax and feel taken care of.

Guys should definitely be doing X,Y,Z. But it's not a turn on for most women. It's completely separate from sex. I mean, I like it when my wife makes brownies or fills up the gas tank, but those things don't make me horny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I heard if you do laundry and dishes and take the kids so she can have me time she will get libido back for you. I’ve never seen that happen. But it’s a theory.

Isn’t that your job as a f**king parent? Maybe she doesn’t want to have sex with a man-child who thinks he should be rewarded for basic contributions to the household.

Can you imagine if moms would get a gold medal for doing the laundry and dishes?!

Or watching our own children?

How do I improve her desire for sex?
Do X,Y,Z.
Doing X,Y,Z didn't work.
Yeah, we were just kidding about that. We just thought you should be doing X,Y,Z anyway.

Well, in fairness, you should be doing X,Y,Z because you are responsible for the house and kids. But no, none of those things will affect her desire to have sex. It's as rediculous when men troll about women needing to do dishes to cure their husband's ED.

If the problem is burnout and exhaustion and not having time to herself, then someone else has to do it.

Also, most women are very turned on by having a husband who takes responsibility for things and is competent. It means she can relax and feel taken care of.

True, if the problem is simply exhaustion that can help. In my experience, it's just the lack of novelty and the same old after years and nothing DH can do to change it. But I would be willing to have more sex if I am rested but it's not going to make me want it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I heard if you do laundry and dishes and take the kids so she can have me time she will get libido back for you. I’ve never seen that happen. But it’s a theory.

Isn’t that your job as a f**king parent? Maybe she doesn’t want to have sex with a man-child who thinks he should be rewarded for basic contributions to the household.

Can you imagine if moms would get a gold medal for doing the laundry and dishes?!

Or watching our own children?

How do I improve her desire for sex?
Do X,Y,Z.
Doing X,Y,Z didn't work.
Yeah, we were just kidding about that. We just thought you should be doing X,Y,Z anyway.

Well, in fairness, you should be doing X,Y,Z because you are responsible for the house and kids. But no, none of those things will affect her desire to have sex. It's as rediculous when men troll about women needing to do dishes to cure their husband's ED.

If the problem is burnout and exhaustion and not having time to herself, then someone else has to do it.

Also, most women are very turned on by having a husband who takes responsibility for things and is competent. It means she can relax and feel taken care of.

Guys should definitely be doing X,Y,Z. But it's not a turn on for most women. It's completely separate from sex. I mean, I like it when my wife makes brownies or fills up the gas tank, but those things don't make me horny.

agree.. because it's not about the fact that he did the chore, but the fact that he is a willing partner in the marriage and acts like an adult, and that he loves her. A man who shows he loves his wife such that he wants her to be happy makes the woman love her DH in return. At least, this is my experience after 20 yrs together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Personally I think untreated depression is a real issue, rather than over medication. Depression kills the libido.

There are so many reasons for a sexless marriage. For me it was
1. Childbirth/breastfeeding
2. Unresolved childhood sexual trauma/depression
3. My DH was not attentive to me in bed and 90 % of the focus had always been on him, which is how women are socialized from a young age to meet the needs of the man

We went through some years of no sex or very little which he is was unhappy about but did nothing about.

I eventually got therapy and meds for myself and then marriage therapy and we had some hard conversations. DH had to face how he contributed. For example, in first sex after I had a baby I was nervous and scared. He was mad that it was “unsexy” and it was “killing the mood.” Hello—I was no longer a sexy little 22 year old totally focused on him to the detriment of myself. I was a middle aged woman reassessing my life and making new emotional demands of him like honesty and vulnerability. I needed support.

Lucky for me he respects and loves me and responded and grew in maturity himself. Now when we make love we bring our full selves. It’s very different. If we had not looked hard at ourselves we would not have gotten to this point.

Marriages go through phases as people grow and change. It is seriously hard work. Anyone can go to therapy themselves and start to change their dynamic with their spouse just by changing themselves. If I was unhappy in a sexless marriage I would go to therapy and work on myself.

Oh man yes to all this. I so, so wish I had know that depression was a libido killer for me. I didn’t, so when my libido went down, I didn’t realize what was happening. I felt so much guilt and shame and then anger at DH for the way he basically got mad at me about something that just happened to me. It wasn’t like I thought “you know what I want? A bad sex life. Let’s make that happen.”

I honestly still resent DH for how he handled that. He later told me that was his way of saying “hey I feel like we are growing apart and I’d like to reconnect.” But instead of saying that or planning time for us to be together or asking me if I was okay, he angrily demanded why we were only having sex three times a month. (And then I tried all this stuff to get my libido back like going down on my antidepressant and buying a vibrator and it didn’t work and he didn’t care that I tried any of that. Later he told me I shouldn’t have done those things because he didn’t ask me to. And he is right about that, I can’t expect thanks for doing something he didn’t ask for. But it’s still hard for me to think about)

My depression eventually went away and my drive is back, and we are good now. But the way he reacted to my struggles with anger and selfishness is still going to take some work for me to get over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personally I think untreated depression is a real issue, rather than over medication. Depression kills the libido.

There are so many reasons for a sexless marriage. For me it was
1. Childbirth/breastfeeding
2. Unresolved childhood sexual trauma/depression
3. My DH was not attentive to me in bed and 90 % of the focus had always been on him, which is how women are socialized from a young age to meet the needs of the man

We went through some years of no sex or very little which he is was unhappy about but did nothing about.

I eventually got therapy and meds for myself and then marriage therapy and we had some hard conversations. DH had to face how he contributed. For example, in first sex after I had a baby I was nervous and scared. He was mad that it was “unsexy” and it was “killing the mood.” Hello—I was no longer a sexy little 22 year old totally focused on him to the detriment of myself. I was a middle aged woman reassessing my life and making new emotional demands of him like honesty and vulnerability. I needed support.

Lucky for me he respects and loves me and responded and grew in maturity himself. Now when we make love we bring our full selves. It’s very different. If we had not looked hard at ourselves we would not have gotten to this point.

Marriages go through phases as people grow and change. It is seriously hard work. Anyone can go to therapy themselves and start to change their dynamic with their spouse just by changing themselves. If I was unhappy in a sexless marriage I would go to therapy and work on myself.

Oh man yes to all this. I so, so wish I had know that depression was a libido killer for me. I didn’t, so when my libido went down, I didn’t realize what was happening. I felt so much guilt and shame and then anger at DH for the way he basically got mad at me about something that just happened to me. It wasn’t like I thought “you know what I want? A bad sex life. Let’s make that happen.”

I honestly still resent DH for how he handled that. He later told me that was his way of saying “hey I feel like we are growing apart and I’d like to reconnect.” But instead of saying that or planning time for us to be together or asking me if I was okay, he angrily demanded why we were only having sex three times a month. (And then I tried all this stuff to get my libido back like going down on my antidepressant and buying a vibrator and it didn’t work and he didn’t care that I tried any of that. Later he told me I shouldn’t have done those things because he didn’t ask me to. And he is right about that, I can’t expect thanks for doing something he didn’t ask for. But it’s still hard for me to think about)

My depression eventually went away and my drive is back, and we are good now. But the way he reacted to my struggles with anger and selfishness is still going to take some work for me to get over.

Being depressed is hard. But being in a relationship with a depressed person is also very hard. It is especially hard when said depressed person is not aware of their issues, how to talk about them, or how to take control of them. I always suspect that depression, and the communication dysfunction that can result, is behind a huge percentage of bad relationships.

I think that doctors also don't really consider the emotional and libido killing side effects of hormonal birth control, which they hand out like candy starting at very young ages. I get why they do it, but it is something that is not often enough discussed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personally I think untreated depression is a real issue, rather than over medication. Depression kills the libido.

There are so many reasons for a sexless marriage. For me it was
1. Childbirth/breastfeeding
2. Unresolved childhood sexual trauma/depression
3. My DH was not attentive to me in bed and 90 % of the focus had always been on him, which is how women are socialized from a young age to meet the needs of the man

We went through some years of no sex or very little which he is was unhappy about but did nothing about.

I eventually got therapy and meds for myself and then marriage therapy and we had some hard conversations. DH had to face how he contributed. For example, in first sex after I had a baby I was nervous and scared. He was mad that it was “unsexy” and it was “killing the mood.” Hello—I was no longer a sexy little 22 year old totally focused on him to the detriment of myself. I was a middle aged woman reassessing my life and making new emotional demands of him like honesty and vulnerability. I needed support.

Lucky for me he respects and loves me and responded and grew in maturity himself. Now when we make love we bring our full selves. It’s very different. If we had not looked hard at ourselves we would not have gotten to this point.

Marriages go through phases as people grow and change. It is seriously hard work. Anyone can go to therapy themselves and start to change their dynamic with their spouse just by changing themselves. If I was unhappy in a sexless marriage I would go to therapy and work on myself.

Oh man yes to all this. I so, so wish I had know that depression was a libido killer for me. I didn’t, so when my libido went down, I didn’t realize what was happening. I felt so much guilt and shame and then anger at DH for the way he basically got mad at me about something that just happened to me. It wasn’t like I thought “you know what I want? A bad sex life. Let’s make that happen.”

I honestly still resent DH for how he handled that. He later told me that was his way of saying “hey I feel like we are growing apart and I’d like to reconnect.” But instead of saying that or planning time for us to be together or asking me if I was okay, he angrily demanded why we were only having sex three times a month. (And then I tried all this stuff to get my libido back like going down on my antidepressant and buying a vibrator and it didn’t work and he didn’t care that I tried any of that. Later he told me I shouldn’t have done those things because he didn’t ask me to. And he is right about that, I can’t expect thanks for doing something he didn’t ask for. But it’s still hard for me to think about)

My depression eventually went away and my drive is back, and we are good now. But the way he reacted to my struggles with anger and selfishness is still going to take some work for me to get over.

Being depressed is hard. But being in a relationship with a depressed person is also very hard. It is especially hard when said depressed person is not aware of their issues, how to talk about them, or how to take control of them. I always suspect that depression, and the communication dysfunction that can result, is behind a huge percentage of bad relationships.

I think that doctors also don't really consider the emotional and libido killing side effects of hormonal birth control, which they hand out like candy starting at very young ages. I get why they do it, but it is something that is not often enough discussed.

I am well aware that it’s hard. And it was hard for my husband even though I was aware of and working on my issues. You did see the part where I said I was on anti-depressants right?

But even if somebody isn’t depressed, even if they are just sad, you shouldn’t approach them in anger and with no empathy when your needs aren’t being met. Actually you should never, ever do that. Approaching somebody in anger when they have done nothing wrong is just not a good move in a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Approaching somebody in anger when they have done nothing wrong is just not a good move in a relationship.

Oh, but it's so, so common. A person is exhausted, beaten around, mad at the world. All that shit is going to come out somehow. Guess who is nearby when your guard comes down, your energy is low, and all that stuff is no longer contained? Very often, it's a person's spouse who takes it on the chin during these times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personally I think untreated depression is a real issue, rather than over medication. Depression kills the libido.

There are so many reasons for a sexless marriage. For me it was
1. Childbirth/breastfeeding
2. Unresolved childhood sexual trauma/depression
3. My DH was not attentive to me in bed and 90 % of the focus had always been on him, which is how women are socialized from a young age to meet the needs of the man

We went through some years of no sex or very little which he is was unhappy about but did nothing about.

I eventually got therapy and meds for myself and then marriage therapy and we had some hard conversations. DH had to face how he contributed. For example, in first sex after I had a baby I was nervous and scared. He was mad that it was “unsexy” and it was “killing the mood.” Hello—I was no longer a sexy little 22 year old totally focused on him to the detriment of myself. I was a middle aged woman reassessing my life and making new emotional demands of him like honesty and vulnerability. I needed support.

Lucky for me he respects and loves me and responded and grew in maturity himself. Now when we make love we bring our full selves. It’s very different. If we had not looked hard at ourselves we would not have gotten to this point.

Marriages go through phases as people grow and change. It is seriously hard work. Anyone can go to therapy themselves and start to change their dynamic with their spouse just by changing themselves. If I was unhappy in a sexless marriage I would go to therapy and work on myself.

Oh man yes to all this. I so, so wish I had know that depression was a libido killer for me. I didn’t, so when my libido went down, I didn’t realize what was happening. I felt so much guilt and shame and then anger at DH for the way he basically got mad at me about something that just happened to me. It wasn’t like I thought “you know what I want? A bad sex life. Let’s make that happen.”

I honestly still resent DH for how he handled that. He later told me that was his way of saying “hey I feel like we are growing apart and I’d like to reconnect.” But instead of saying that or planning time for us to be together or asking me if I was okay, he angrily demanded why we were only having sex three times a month. (And then I tried all this stuff to get my libido back like going down on my antidepressant and buying a vibrator and it didn’t work and he didn’t care that I tried any of that. Later he told me I shouldn’t have done those things because he didn’t ask me to. And he is right about that, I can’t expect thanks for doing something he didn’t ask for. But it’s still hard for me to think about)

My depression eventually went away and my drive is back, and we are good now. But the way he reacted to my struggles with anger and selfishness is still going to take some work for me to get over.

I'd like to think I handled my wife's loss of libido (now going on a decade) better than your DH, but I am also filled with resentment that she can't be bothered to meet my needs either. Like I would tell the woman married to the man with ED, something wrong with your hand or mouth?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personally I think untreated depression is a real issue, rather than over medication. Depression kills the libido.

There are so many reasons for a sexless marriage. For me it was
1. Childbirth/breastfeeding
2. Unresolved childhood sexual trauma/depression
3. My DH was not attentive to me in bed and 90 % of the focus had always been on him, which is how women are socialized from a young age to meet the needs of the man

We went through some years of no sex or very little which he is was unhappy about but did nothing about.

I eventually got therapy and meds for myself and then marriage therapy and we had some hard conversations. DH had to face how he contributed. For example, in first sex after I had a baby I was nervous and scared. He was mad that it was “unsexy” and it was “killing the mood.” Hello—I was no longer a sexy little 22 year old totally focused on him to the detriment of myself. I was a middle aged woman reassessing my life and making new emotional demands of him like honesty and vulnerability. I needed support.

Lucky for me he respects and loves me and responded and grew in maturity himself. Now when we make love we bring our full selves. It’s very different. If we had not looked hard at ourselves we would not have gotten to this point.

Marriages go through phases as people grow and change. It is seriously hard work. Anyone can go to therapy themselves and start to change their dynamic with their spouse just by changing themselves. If I was unhappy in a sexless marriage I would go to therapy and work on myself.

Oh man yes to all this. I so, so wish I had know that depression was a libido killer for me. I didn’t, so when my libido went down, I didn’t realize what was happening. I felt so much guilt and shame and then anger at DH for the way he basically got mad at me about something that just happened to me. It wasn’t like I thought “you know what I want? A bad sex life. Let’s make that happen.”

I honestly still resent DH for how he handled that. He later told me that was his way of saying “hey I feel like we are growing apart and I’d like to reconnect.” But instead of saying that or planning time for us to be together or asking me if I was okay, he angrily demanded why we were only having sex three times a month. (And then I tried all this stuff to get my libido back like going down on my antidepressant and buying a vibrator and it didn’t work and he didn’t care that I tried any of that. Later he told me I shouldn’t have done those things because he didn’t ask me to. And he is right about that, I can’t expect thanks for doing something he didn’t ask for. But it’s still hard for me to think about)

My depression eventually went away and my drive is back, and we are good now. But the way he reacted to my struggles with anger and selfishness is still going to take some work for me to get over.

I'd like to think I handled my wife's loss of libido (now going on a decade) better than your DH, but I am also filled with resentment that she can't be bothered to meet my needs either. Like I would tell the woman married to the man with ED, something wrong with your hand or mouth?

Yeah this is why I like Emily Nagoski’s framework of sex as not being a need. Her “bothering to meet your needs” would look like her having sex with you even if she really didn’t want to? If my husband had felt that way, if he had pressured me to have sex when I didn’t want to or even wanted to have sex with me when I didn’t want to, I think I would have lost all respect for him. And my depression probably would have gotten worse, knowing that he felt like I owed him my body so that his needs could be met. That almost certainly would have been the kiss of death.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I heard if you do laundry and dishes and take the kids so she can have me time she will get libido back for you. I’ve never seen that happen. But it’s a theory.

Isn’t that your job as a f**king parent? Maybe she doesn’t want to have sex with a man-child who thinks he should be rewarded for basic contributions to the household.

Can you imagine if moms would get a gold medal for doing the laundry and dishes?!

Or watching our own children?

How do I improve her desire for sex?
Do X,Y,Z.
Doing X,Y,Z didn't work.
Yeah, we were just kidding about that. We just thought you should be doing X,Y,Z anyway.

Part of the problem is you are treating libido as if it were an on/off switch, where every action either turns it on or off. In your way of thinking, if failing to ever wash the dishes is a turn off, then doing the dishes must be a turn on. That’s not how it works.

Setting aside physiological issues, libido works more like a sliding scale, with extremely turned on at one end, extremely turned off at the other end, and sort of a take-it-or-leave-it point in the middle. If you did three libido killing things earlier in the day and then one libido-enhancing thing, that one libido-enhancing thing may not be enough to completely offset the three libido-killing things so she still won’t be in the mood.

Also, many (perhaps most) factors really only move the slide in one direction when you do them, and have no effect when you don’t. For instance, going out to a nice dinner together may move the slide toward turned on, but the lack of a nice dinner out on any given evening is not going to move the slide toward “turned off” unless there are other factors involved like you forgetting to book a sitter like you said you would so you have to cancel the dinner. Absent a circumstance like that, those positive factors generally will only help libido.

The flip side are things that only move the slide in the negative direction, like failing to do the dishes. Leaving the dishes for her while you watch tv even though she’s done all the meal prep and other household chores is likely a libido killer that will move the slide toward turned off. You doing the dishes will not move the slide toward turned on, but it will keep it from moving toward turned off.

Also, there are libido-enhancing things and libido-killing things that aren’t about your relationship but still have an effect. Fatigue, stress, etc., are generally turn offs. Exercise, non-sexual social engagement with friends, good news at work, etc., will often be libido-enhancing. You can’t directly affect those, but they will affect sex drive anyway and making room for libido-enhancing activities can be a way to indirectly increase it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personally I think untreated depression is a real issue, rather than over medication. Depression kills the libido.

There are so many reasons for a sexless marriage. For me it was
1. Childbirth/breastfeeding
2. Unresolved childhood sexual trauma/depression
3. My DH was not attentive to me in bed and 90 % of the focus had always been on him, which is how women are socialized from a young age to meet the needs of the man

We went through some years of no sex or very little which he is was unhappy about but did nothing about.

I eventually got therapy and meds for myself and then marriage therapy and we had some hard conversations. DH had to face how he contributed. For example, in first sex after I had a baby I was nervous and scared. He was mad that it was “unsexy” and it was “killing the mood.” Hello—I was no longer a sexy little 22 year old totally focused on him to the detriment of myself. I was a middle aged woman reassessing my life and making new emotional demands of him like honesty and vulnerability. I needed support.

Lucky for me he respects and loves me and responded and grew in maturity himself. Now when we make love we bring our full selves. It’s very different. If we had not looked hard at ourselves we would not have gotten to this point.

Marriages go through phases as people grow and change. It is seriously hard work. Anyone can go to therapy themselves and start to change their dynamic with their spouse just by changing themselves. If I was unhappy in a sexless marriage I would go to therapy and work on myself.

Oh man yes to all this. I so, so wish I had know that depression was a libido killer for me. I didn’t, so when my libido went down, I didn’t realize what was happening. I felt so much guilt and shame and then anger at DH for the way he basically got mad at me about something that just happened to me. It wasn’t like I thought “you know what I want? A bad sex life. Let’s make that happen.”

I honestly still resent DH for how he handled that. He later told me that was his way of saying “hey I feel like we are growing apart and I’d like to reconnect.” But instead of saying that or planning time for us to be together or asking me if I was okay, he angrily demanded why we were only having sex three times a month. (And then I tried all this stuff to get my libido back like going down on my antidepressant and buying a vibrator and it didn’t work and he didn’t care that I tried any of that. Later he told me I shouldn’t have done those things because he didn’t ask me to. And he is right about that, I can’t expect thanks for doing something he didn’t ask for. But it’s still hard for me to think about)

My depression eventually went away and my drive is back, and we are good now. But the way he reacted to my struggles with anger and selfishness is still going to take some work for me to get over.

I'd like to think I handled my wife's loss of libido (now going on a decade) better than your DH, but I am also filled with resentment that she can't be bothered to meet my needs either. Like I would tell the woman married to the man with ED, something wrong with your hand or mouth?

Yeah this is why I like Emily Nagoski’s framework of sex as not being a need. Her “bothering to meet your needs” would look like her having sex with you even if she really didn’t want to? If my husband had felt that way, if he had pressured me to have sex when I didn’t want to or even wanted to have sex with me when I didn’t want to, I think I would have lost all respect for him. And my depression probably would have gotten worse, knowing that he felt like I owed him my body so that his needs could be met. That almost certainly would have been the kiss of death.

So the solution for people who have a spouse who have lost their libido and they aren't going to compromise because they don't owe them their body is what? Suck it up buttercup? I don't see how sex is different from the many things we do for each other that we don't feel like. But I guess if you don't see it as a legitimate need, more like something they people should be able to take or leave, then I get your stance.