Reply to Support Group for middle aged husbands not having sex

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "Support Group for middle aged husbands not having sex"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Personally I think untreated depression is a real issue, rather than over medication. Depression kills the libido.

There are so many reasons for a sexless marriage. For me it was
1. Childbirth/breastfeeding 
2. Unresolved childhood sexual trauma/depression 
3. My DH was not attentive to me in bed and 90 % of the focus had always been on him, which is how women are socialized from a young age to meet the needs of the man

We went through some years of no sex or very little which he is was unhappy about but did nothing about.

I eventually got therapy and meds for myself and then marriage therapy and we had some hard conversations. DH had to face how he contributed. For example, in first sex after I had a baby I was nervous and scared. He was mad that it was “unsexy” and it was “killing the mood.” Hello—I was no longer a sexy little 22 year old totally focused on him to the detriment of myself. I was a middle aged woman reassessing my life and making new emotional demands of him like honesty and vulnerability. I needed support.

Lucky for me he respects and loves me and responded and grew in maturity himself. Now when we make love we bring our full selves. It’s very different. If we had not looked hard at ourselves we would not have gotten to this point.

Marriages go through phases as people grow and change. It is seriously hard work. Anyone can go to therapy themselves and start to change their dynamic with their spouse just by changing themselves. If I was unhappy in a sexless marriage I would go to therapy and work on myself.[/quote]

Oh man yes to all this. I so, so wish I had know that depression was a libido killer for me. I didn’t, so when my libido went down, I didn’t realize what was happening. I felt so much guilt and shame and then anger at DH for the way he basically got mad at me about something that just happened to me. It wasn’t like I thought “you know what I want? A bad sex life. Let’s make that happen.”

I honestly still resent DH for how he handled that. He later told me that was his way of saying “hey I feel like we are growing apart and I’d like to reconnect.” But instead of saying that or planning time for us to be together or asking me if I was okay, he angrily demanded why we were only having sex three times a month. (And then I tried all this stuff to get my libido back like going down on my antidepressant and buying a vibrator and it didn’t work and he didn’t care that I tried any of that. Later he told me I shouldn’t have done those things because he didn’t ask me to. And he is right about that, I can’t expect thanks for doing something he didn’t ask for. But it’s still hard for me to think about)

My depression eventually went away and my drive is back, and we are good now. But the way he reacted to my struggles with anger and selfishness is still going to take some work for me to get over. [/quote]

I'd like to think I handled my wife's loss of libido (now going on a decade) better than your DH, but I am also filled with resentment that she can't be bothered to meet my needs either. Like I would tell the woman married to the man with ED, something wrong with your hand or mouth?[/quote]

What's wrong with your hand and mouth?  I don't like oral.  I think it is really disgusting.[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics