Support Group for middle aged husbands not having sex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personally I think untreated depression is a real issue, rather than over medication. Depression kills the libido.

There are so many reasons for a sexless marriage. For me it was
1. Childbirth/breastfeeding
2. Unresolved childhood sexual trauma/depression
3. My DH was not attentive to me in bed and 90 % of the focus had always been on him, which is how women are socialized from a young age to meet the needs of the man

We went through some years of no sex or very little which he is was unhappy about but did nothing about.

I eventually got therapy and meds for myself and then marriage therapy and we had some hard conversations. DH had to face how he contributed. For example, in first sex after I had a baby I was nervous and scared. He was mad that it was “unsexy” and it was “killing the mood.” Hello—I was no longer a sexy little 22 year old totally focused on him to the detriment of myself. I was a middle aged woman reassessing my life and making new emotional demands of him like honesty and vulnerability. I needed support.

Lucky for me he respects and loves me and responded and grew in maturity himself. Now when we make love we bring our full selves. It’s very different. If we had not looked hard at ourselves we would not have gotten to this point.

Marriages go through phases as people grow and change. It is seriously hard work. Anyone can go to therapy themselves and start to change their dynamic with their spouse just by changing themselves. If I was unhappy in a sexless marriage I would go to therapy and work on myself.

Oh man yes to all this. I so, so wish I had know that depression was a libido killer for me. I didn’t, so when my libido went down, I didn’t realize what was happening. I felt so much guilt and shame and then anger at DH for the way he basically got mad at me about something that just happened to me. It wasn’t like I thought “you know what I want? A bad sex life. Let’s make that happen.”

I honestly still resent DH for how he handled that. He later told me that was his way of saying “hey I feel like we are growing apart and I’d like to reconnect.” But instead of saying that or planning time for us to be together or asking me if I was okay, he angrily demanded why we were only having sex three times a month. (And then I tried all this stuff to get my libido back like going down on my antidepressant and buying a vibrator and it didn’t work and he didn’t care that I tried any of that. Later he told me I shouldn’t have done those things because he didn’t ask me to. And he is right about that, I can’t expect thanks for doing something he didn’t ask for. But it’s still hard for me to think about)

My depression eventually went away and my drive is back, and we are good now. But the way he reacted to my struggles with anger and selfishness is still going to take some work for me to get over.

I'd like to think I handled my wife's loss of libido (now going on a decade) better than your DH, but I am also filled with resentment that she can't be bothered to meet my needs either. Like I would tell the woman married to the man with ED, something wrong with your hand or mouth?

Yeah this is why I like Emily Nagoski’s framework of sex as not being a need. Her “bothering to meet your needs” would look like her having sex with you even if she really didn’t want to? If my husband had felt that way, if he had pressured me to have sex when I didn’t want to or even wanted to have sex with me when I didn’t want to, I think I would have lost all respect for him. And my depression probably would have gotten worse, knowing that he felt like I owed him my body so that his needs could be met. That almost certainly would have been the kiss of death.

So the solution for people who have a spouse who have lost their libido and they aren't going to compromise because they don't owe them their body is what? Suck it up buttercup? I don't see how sex is different from the many things we do for each other that we don't feel like. But I guess if you don't see it as a legitimate need, more like something they people should be able to take or leave, then I get your stance.

You don't understand. The only legitimate needs are the types of emotional coddling she needs. Everything else is a want that someone is selfish for seeking.

dp Why are you telling your wife/girlfriend to "suck it up" when you find it so offensive? The difference between any other chore you have to do it doesn't involve giving your body up for someone. Don't you see the difference between cleaning the cat liter and going shopping and making women feel like they have to have sex with you?

Your response makes no sense. No one is talking about chores. If you see any emotional or intimacy need as a chore, you need to reevaluate your life.

DP. Maybe I’m misunderstanding you, but I’d like to take a step back from his for a moment. How does sex foster emotional intimacy when it is being demanded of someone who isn’t already feeling emotional intimacy from the person demanding sex?

How do backrubs/long conversations/date nights/etc. "foster emotional intimacy when it is being demanded of someone who isn’t already feeling emotional intimacy from the person demanding" that?

If you don’t enjoy spending non-sexual time with your spouse, there are deeper issues in your marriage that need marriage counseling or divorce.

If you don’t enjoy spending sexual time with your spouse, there are deeper issues in your marriage that need marriage counseling or divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
DP. Maybe I’m misunderstanding you, but I’d like to take a step back from his for a moment. How does sex foster emotional intimacy when it is being demanded of someone who isn’t already feeling emotional intimacy from the person demanding sex?

My point was that needing to reach out to the other person -- and provide the emotional connection and intimacy they need on their terms -- runs both ways. The problem with so many of these posts is that complaints about a husband not providing the emotional connection and intimacy a wife needs is seen as the husband's failing. But a woman not providing the emotional connection or intimacy a husband needs is seen as justified by the husband's failures.

I should add -- you are probably making all kinds of wrong assumptions about who I am. And I don't have any of these problems. But the reflexive blame for certain parties is tiresome in these threads.

I didn’t make any assumptions about who you are and did not assign blame. This gets back to the point that people who are unsatisfied with their sex lives need to explore what else is going on their relationships to understand why their spouse isn’t interested in sex as much. The reasons are always individualized to the relationship (although there do tend to be common themes for broader societal reasons). There is a big differences between someone who stops having sex due to physiological issues and then the lack of sex leads to loss of emotional intimacy on the one hand, and on the other hand someone who loses interest in sex after a long spell of not having their emotional needs met by their spouse. But in neither case will simply demanding more sex create emotional intimacy because there is a very real physical and/or emotional block to the less-interested person engaging positively with their spouse through sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personally I think untreated depression is a real issue, rather than over medication. Depression kills the libido.

There are so many reasons for a sexless marriage. For me it was
1. Childbirth/breastfeeding
2. Unresolved childhood sexual trauma/depression
3. My DH was not attentive to me in bed and 90 % of the focus had always been on him, which is how women are socialized from a young age to meet the needs of the man

We went through some years of no sex or very little which he is was unhappy about but did nothing about.

I eventually got therapy and meds for myself and then marriage therapy and we had some hard conversations. DH had to face how he contributed. For example, in first sex after I had a baby I was nervous and scared. He was mad that it was “unsexy” and it was “killing the mood.” Hello—I was no longer a sexy little 22 year old totally focused on him to the detriment of myself. I was a middle aged woman reassessing my life and making new emotional demands of him like honesty and vulnerability. I needed support.

Lucky for me he respects and loves me and responded and grew in maturity himself. Now when we make love we bring our full selves. It’s very different. If we had not looked hard at ourselves we would not have gotten to this point.

Marriages go through phases as people grow and change. It is seriously hard work. Anyone can go to therapy themselves and start to change their dynamic with their spouse just by changing themselves. If I was unhappy in a sexless marriage I would go to therapy and work on myself.

Oh man yes to all this. I so, so wish I had know that depression was a libido killer for me. I didn’t, so when my libido went down, I didn’t realize what was happening. I felt so much guilt and shame and then anger at DH for the way he basically got mad at me about something that just happened to me. It wasn’t like I thought “you know what I want? A bad sex life. Let’s make that happen.”

I honestly still resent DH for how he handled that. He later told me that was his way of saying “hey I feel like we are growing apart and I’d like to reconnect.” But instead of saying that or planning time for us to be together or asking me if I was okay, he angrily demanded why we were only having sex three times a month. (And then I tried all this stuff to get my libido back like going down on my antidepressant and buying a vibrator and it didn’t work and he didn’t care that I tried any of that. Later he told me I shouldn’t have done those things because he didn’t ask me to. And he is right about that, I can’t expect thanks for doing something he didn’t ask for. But it’s still hard for me to think about)

My depression eventually went away and my drive is back, and we are good now. But the way he reacted to my struggles with anger and selfishness is still going to take some work for me to get over.

I'd like to think I handled my wife's loss of libido (now going on a decade) better than your DH, but I am also filled with resentment that she can't be bothered to meet my needs either. Like I would tell the woman married to the man with ED, something wrong with your hand or mouth?

Yeah this is why I like Emily Nagoski’s framework of sex as not being a need. Her “bothering to meet your needs” would look like her having sex with you even if she really didn’t want to? If my husband had felt that way, if he had pressured me to have sex when I didn’t want to or even wanted to have sex with me when I didn’t want to, I think I would have lost all respect for him. And my depression probably would have gotten worse, knowing that he felt like I owed him my body so that his needs could be met. That almost certainly would have been the kiss of death.

So the solution for people who have a spouse who have lost their libido and they aren't going to compromise because they don't owe them their body is what? Suck it up buttercup? I don't see how sex is different from the many things we do for each other that we don't feel like. But I guess if you don't see it as a legitimate need, more like something they people should be able to take or leave, then I get your stance.

You don't understand. The only legitimate needs are the types of emotional coddling she needs. Everything else is a want that someone is selfish for seeking.

dp Why are you telling your wife/girlfriend to "suck it up" when you find it so offensive? The difference between any other chore you have to do it doesn't involve giving your body up for someone. Don't you see the difference between cleaning the cat liter and going shopping and making women feel like they have to have sex with you?

Your response makes no sense. No one is talking about chores. If you see any emotional or intimacy need as a chore, you need to reevaluate your life.

DP. Maybe I’m misunderstanding you, but I’d like to take a step back from his for a moment. How does sex foster emotional intimacy when it is being demanded of someone who isn’t already feeling emotional intimacy from the person demanding sex?

How do backrubs/long conversations/date nights/etc. "foster emotional intimacy when it is being demanded of someone who isn’t already feeling emotional intimacy from the person demanding" that?

If you don’t enjoy spending non-sexual time with your spouse, there are deeper issues in your marriage that need marriage counseling or divorce.

If you don’t enjoy spending sexual time with your spouse, there are deeper issues in your marriage that need marriage counseling or divorce.

There can be many physiological reasons why someone loses interest in sex that have nothing to do with how they feel about their partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
DP. Maybe I’m misunderstanding you, but I’d like to take a step back from his for a moment. How does sex foster emotional intimacy when it is being demanded of someone who isn’t already feeling emotional intimacy from the person demanding sex?

My point was that needing to reach out to the other person -- and provide the emotional connection and intimacy they need on their terms -- runs both ways. The problem with so many of these posts is that complaints about a husband not providing the emotional connection and intimacy a wife needs is seen as the husband's failing. But a woman not providing the emotional connection or intimacy a husband needs is seen as justified by the husband's failures.

I should add -- you are probably making all kinds of wrong assumptions about who I am. And I don't have any of these problems. But the reflexive blame for certain parties is tiresome in these threads.

I didn’t make any assumptions about who you are and did not assign blame. This gets back to the point that people who are unsatisfied with their sex lives need to explore what else is going on their relationships to understand why their spouse isn’t interested in sex as much. The reasons are always individualized to the relationship (although there do tend to be common themes for broader societal reasons). There is a big differences between someone who stops having sex due to physiological issues and then the lack of sex leads to loss of emotional intimacy on the one hand, and on the other hand someone who loses interest in sex after a long spell of not having their emotional needs met by their spouse. But in neither case will simply demanding more sex create emotional intimacy because there is a very real physical and/or emotional block to the less-interested person engaging positively with their spouse through sex.

I agree! But I wouldn't stop there. My point was that people who don't want to have sex because the relationship is otherwise lacking intimacy should really explore ways to rekindle that intimacy. Unless they are happy with the lack of intimacy, in which case, I wonder why they even want to stay married. It is just strange for me that people say, "I don't want to have sex with my spouse because we are lacking in emotional connection." But the response is never, "What have you done to rekindle that connection?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personally I think untreated depression is a real issue, rather than over medication. Depression kills the libido.

There are so many reasons for a sexless marriage. For me it was
1. Childbirth/breastfeeding
2. Unresolved childhood sexual trauma/depression
3. My DH was not attentive to me in bed and 90 % of the focus had always been on him, which is how women are socialized from a young age to meet the needs of the man

We went through some years of no sex or very little which he is was unhappy about but did nothing about.

I eventually got therapy and meds for myself and then marriage therapy and we had some hard conversations. DH had to face how he contributed. For example, in first sex after I had a baby I was nervous and scared. He was mad that it was “unsexy” and it was “killing the mood.” Hello—I was no longer a sexy little 22 year old totally focused on him to the detriment of myself. I was a middle aged woman reassessing my life and making new emotional demands of him like honesty and vulnerability. I needed support.

Lucky for me he respects and loves me and responded and grew in maturity himself. Now when we make love we bring our full selves. It’s very different. If we had not looked hard at ourselves we would not have gotten to this point.

Marriages go through phases as people grow and change. It is seriously hard work. Anyone can go to therapy themselves and start to change their dynamic with their spouse just by changing themselves. If I was unhappy in a sexless marriage I would go to therapy and work on myself.

Oh man yes to all this. I so, so wish I had know that depression was a libido killer for me. I didn’t, so when my libido went down, I didn’t realize what was happening. I felt so much guilt and shame and then anger at DH for the way he basically got mad at me about something that just happened to me. It wasn’t like I thought “you know what I want? A bad sex life. Let’s make that happen.”

I honestly still resent DH for how he handled that. He later told me that was his way of saying “hey I feel like we are growing apart and I’d like to reconnect.” But instead of saying that or planning time for us to be together or asking me if I was okay, he angrily demanded why we were only having sex three times a month. (And then I tried all this stuff to get my libido back like going down on my antidepressant and buying a vibrator and it didn’t work and he didn’t care that I tried any of that. Later he told me I shouldn’t have done those things because he didn’t ask me to. And he is right about that, I can’t expect thanks for doing something he didn’t ask for. But it’s still hard for me to think about)

My depression eventually went away and my drive is back, and we are good now. But the way he reacted to my struggles with anger and selfishness is still going to take some work for me to get over.

I'd like to think I handled my wife's loss of libido (now going on a decade) better than your DH, but I am also filled with resentment that she can't be bothered to meet my needs either. Like I would tell the woman married to the man with ED, something wrong with your hand or mouth?

Yeah this is why I like Emily Nagoski’s framework of sex as not being a need. Her “bothering to meet your needs” would look like her having sex with you even if she really didn’t want to? If my husband had felt that way, if he had pressured me to have sex when I didn’t want to or even wanted to have sex with me when I didn’t want to, I think I would have lost all respect for him. And my depression probably would have gotten worse, knowing that he felt like I owed him my body so that his needs could be met. That almost certainly would have been the kiss of death.

So the solution for people who have a spouse who have lost their libido and they aren't going to compromise because they don't owe them their body is what? Suck it up buttercup? I don't see how sex is different from the many things we do for each other that we don't feel like. But I guess if you don't see it as a legitimate need, more like something they people should be able to take or leave, then I get your stance.

You don't understand. The only legitimate needs are the types of emotional coddling she needs. Everything else is a want that someone is selfish for seeking.

dp Why are you telling your wife/girlfriend to "suck it up" when you find it so offensive? The difference between any other chore you have to do it doesn't involve giving your body up for someone. Don't you see the difference between cleaning the cat liter and going shopping and making women feel like they have to have sex with you?

Your response makes no sense. No one is talking about chores. If you see any emotional or intimacy need as a chore, you need to reevaluate your life.

DP. Maybe I’m misunderstanding you, but I’d like to take a step back from his for a moment. How does sex foster emotional intimacy when it is being demanded of someone who isn’t already feeling emotional intimacy from the person demanding sex?

How do backrubs/long conversations/date nights/etc. "foster emotional intimacy when it is being demanded of someone who isn’t already feeling emotional intimacy from the person demanding" that?

If you don’t enjoy spending non-sexual time with your spouse, there are deeper issues in your marriage that need marriage counseling or divorce.

If you don’t enjoy spending sexual time with your spouse, there are deeper issues in your marriage that need marriage counseling or divorce.

There can be many physiological reasons why someone loses interest in sex that have nothing to do with how they feel about their partner.

That's actually pretty rare. Even post-menopausal women, and older men who have significantly lower testosterone, often enjoy spending sexual time with their partners when they have a good relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
DP. Maybe I’m misunderstanding you, but I’d like to take a step back from his for a moment. How does sex foster emotional intimacy when it is being demanded of someone who isn’t already feeling emotional intimacy from the person demanding sex?

My point was that needing to reach out to the other person -- and provide the emotional connection and intimacy they need on their terms -- runs both ways. The problem with so many of these posts is that complaints about a husband not providing the emotional connection and intimacy a wife needs is seen as the husband's failing. But a woman not providing the emotional connection or intimacy a husband needs is seen as justified by the husband's failures.

I should add -- you are probably making all kinds of wrong assumptions about who I am. And I don't have any of these problems. But the reflexive blame for certain parties is tiresome in these threads.

I didn’t make any assumptions about who you are and did not assign blame. This gets back to the point that people who are unsatisfied with their sex lives need to explore what else is going on their relationships to understand why their spouse isn’t interested in sex as much. The reasons are always individualized to the relationship (although there do tend to be common themes for broader societal reasons). There is a big differences between someone who stops having sex due to physiological issues and then the lack of sex leads to loss of emotional intimacy on the one hand, and on the other hand someone who loses interest in sex after a long spell of not having their emotional needs met by their spouse. But in neither case will simply demanding more sex create emotional intimacy because there is a very real physical and/or emotional block to the less-interested person engaging positively with their spouse through sex.

I agree! But I wouldn't stop there. My point was that people who don't want to have sex because the relationship is otherwise lacking intimacy should really explore ways to rekindle that intimacy. Unless they are happy with the lack of intimacy, in which case, I wonder why they even want to stay married. It is just strange for me that people say, "I don't want to have sex with my spouse because we are lacking in emotional connection." But the response is never, "What have you done to rekindle that connection?"

I completely disagree with that, it’s pretty rare hat someone comes here asking for advice on their lack of sexual desire due to a lack of emotional connection with their spouse, it when someone comes here asking for advice on a lack of emotional intimacy generally, they absolutely get the “what have you done about it” response.

If there is one thing DCUM can always be counted on it’s finding ways to blame an OP for their own situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
DP. Maybe I’m misunderstanding you, but I’d like to take a step back from his for a moment. How does sex foster emotional intimacy when it is being demanded of someone who isn’t already feeling emotional intimacy from the person demanding sex?

My point was that needing to reach out to the other person -- and provide the emotional connection and intimacy they need on their terms -- runs both ways. The problem with so many of these posts is that complaints about a husband not providing the emotional connection and intimacy a wife needs is seen as the husband's failing. But a woman not providing the emotional connection or intimacy a husband needs is seen as justified by the husband's failures.

I should add -- you are probably making all kinds of wrong assumptions about who I am. And I don't have any of these problems. But the reflexive blame for certain parties is tiresome in these threads.

I didn’t make any assumptions about who you are and did not assign blame. This gets back to the point that people who are unsatisfied with their sex lives need to explore what else is going on their relationships to understand why their spouse isn’t interested in sex as much. The reasons are always individualized to the relationship (although there do tend to be common themes for broader societal reasons). There is a big differences between someone who stops having sex due to physiological issues and then the lack of sex leads to loss of emotional intimacy on the one hand, and on the other hand someone who loses interest in sex after a long spell of not having their emotional needs met by their spouse. But in neither case will simply demanding more sex create emotional intimacy because there is a very real physical and/or emotional block to the less-interested person engaging positively with their spouse through sex.

I agree! But I wouldn't stop there. My point was that people who don't want to have sex because the relationship is otherwise lacking intimacy should really explore ways to rekindle that intimacy. Unless they are happy with the lack of intimacy, in which case, I wonder why they even want to stay married. It is just strange for me that people say, "I don't want to have sex with my spouse because we are lacking in emotional connection." But the response is never, "What have you done to rekindle that connection?"

I completely disagree with that, it’s pretty rare hat someone comes here asking for advice on their lack of sexual desire due to a lack of emotional connection with their spouse, it when someone comes here asking for advice on a lack of emotional intimacy generally, they absolutely get the “what have you done about it” response.

If there is one thing DCUM can always be counted on it’s finding ways to blame an OP for their own situation.

I don't think you get the points being made on this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
DP. Maybe I’m misunderstanding you, but I’d like to take a step back from his for a moment. How does sex foster emotional intimacy when it is being demanded of someone who isn’t already feeling emotional intimacy from the person demanding sex?

My point was that needing to reach out to the other person -- and provide the emotional connection and intimacy they need on their terms -- runs both ways. The problem with so many of these posts is that complaints about a husband not providing the emotional connection and intimacy a wife needs is seen as the husband's failing. But a woman not providing the emotional connection or intimacy a husband needs is seen as justified by the husband's failures.

I should add -- you are probably making all kinds of wrong assumptions about who I am. And I don't have any of these problems. But the reflexive blame for certain parties is tiresome in these threads.

I didn’t make any assumptions about who you are and did not assign blame. This gets back to the point that people who are unsatisfied with their sex lives need to explore what else is going on their relationships to understand why their spouse isn’t interested in sex as much. The reasons are always individualized to the relationship (although there do tend to be common themes for broader societal reasons). There is a big differences between someone who stops having sex due to physiological issues and then the lack of sex leads to loss of emotional intimacy on the one hand, and on the other hand someone who loses interest in sex after a long spell of not having their emotional needs met by their spouse. But in neither case will simply demanding more sex create emotional intimacy because there is a very real physical and/or emotional block to the less-interested person engaging positively with their spouse through sex.

I agree! But I wouldn't stop there. My point was that people who don't want to have sex because the relationship is otherwise lacking intimacy should really explore ways to rekindle that intimacy. Unless they are happy with the lack of intimacy, in which case, I wonder why they even want to stay married. It is just strange for me that people say, "I don't want to have sex with my spouse because we are lacking in emotional connection." But the response is never, "What have you done to rekindle that connection?"

I completely disagree with that, it’s pretty rare hat someone comes here asking for advice on their lack of sexual desire due to a lack of emotional connection with their spouse, it when someone comes here asking for advice on a lack of emotional intimacy generally, they absolutely get the “what have you done about it” response.

If there is one thing DCUM can always be counted on it’s finding ways to blame an OP for their own situation.

I don't think you get the points being made on this thread.

Perhaps you aren’t explaining your views very well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
DP. Maybe I’m misunderstanding you, but I’d like to take a step back from his for a moment. How does sex foster emotional intimacy when it is being demanded of someone who isn’t already feeling emotional intimacy from the person demanding sex?

My point was that needing to reach out to the other person -- and provide the emotional connection and intimacy they need on their terms -- runs both ways. The problem with so many of these posts is that complaints about a husband not providing the emotional connection and intimacy a wife needs is seen as the husband's failing. But a woman not providing the emotional connection or intimacy a husband needs is seen as justified by the husband's failures.

I should add -- you are probably making all kinds of wrong assumptions about who I am. And I don't have any of these problems. But the reflexive blame for certain parties is tiresome in these threads.

I didn’t make any assumptions about who you are and did not assign blame. This gets back to the point that people who are unsatisfied with their sex lives need to explore what else is going on their relationships to understand why their spouse isn’t interested in sex as much. The reasons are always individualized to the relationship (although there do tend to be common themes for broader societal reasons). There is a big differences between someone who stops having sex due to physiological issues and then the lack of sex leads to loss of emotional intimacy on the one hand, and on the other hand someone who loses interest in sex after a long spell of not having their emotional needs met by their spouse. But in neither case will simply demanding more sex create emotional intimacy because there is a very real physical and/or emotional block to the less-interested person engaging positively with their spouse through sex.

I agree! But I wouldn't stop there. My point was that people who don't want to have sex because the relationship is otherwise lacking intimacy should really explore ways to rekindle that intimacy. Unless they are happy with the lack of intimacy, in which case, I wonder why they even want to stay married. It is just strange for me that people say, "I don't want to have sex with my spouse because we are lacking in emotional connection." But the response is never, "What have you done to rekindle that connection?"

I completely disagree with that, it’s pretty rare hat someone comes here asking for advice on their lack of sexual desire due to a lack of emotional connection with their spouse, it when someone comes here asking for advice on a lack of emotional intimacy generally, they absolutely get the “what have you done about it” response.

If there is one thing DCUM can always be counted on it’s finding ways to blame an OP for their own situation.

I don't think you get the points being made on this thread.

Perhaps you aren’t explaining your views very well.

Sigh.

There are lots of posts on here by people saying, "I miss the connection of having sex with my spouse." And the response is always, what did you do to rekindle the connection.

There are lots of posts on here by people who say, "I don't want to have sex with my spouse because we've lost the intimate connection I need to want that." And the response is never, what did you do to rekindle that connection.

I just find it odd that some sorts of missing connection are always the fault of the person wanting more, and some types of missing connection are never the fault of the person wanting more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
DP. Maybe I’m misunderstanding you, but I’d like to take a step back from his for a moment. How does sex foster emotional intimacy when it is being demanded of someone who isn’t already feeling emotional intimacy from the person demanding sex?

My point was that needing to reach out to the other person -- and provide the emotional connection and intimacy they need on their terms -- runs both ways. The problem with so many of these posts is that complaints about a husband not providing the emotional connection and intimacy a wife needs is seen as the husband's failing. But a woman not providing the emotional connection or intimacy a husband needs is seen as justified by the husband's failures.

I should add -- you are probably making all kinds of wrong assumptions about who I am. And I don't have any of these problems. But the reflexive blame for certain parties is tiresome in these threads.

I didn’t make any assumptions about who you are and did not assign blame. This gets back to the point that people who are unsatisfied with their sex lives need to explore what else is going on their relationships to understand why their spouse isn’t interested in sex as much. The reasons are always individualized to the relationship (although there do tend to be common themes for broader societal reasons). There is a big differences between someone who stops having sex due to physiological issues and then the lack of sex leads to loss of emotional intimacy on the one hand, and on the other hand someone who loses interest in sex after a long spell of not having their emotional needs met by their spouse. But in neither case will simply demanding more sex create emotional intimacy because there is a very real physical and/or emotional block to the less-interested person engaging positively with their spouse through sex.

I agree! But I wouldn't stop there. My point was that people who don't want to have sex because the relationship is otherwise lacking intimacy should really explore ways to rekindle that intimacy. Unless they are happy with the lack of intimacy, in which case, I wonder why they even want to stay married. It is just strange for me that people say, "I don't want to have sex with my spouse because we are lacking in emotional connection." But the response is never, "What have you done to rekindle that connection?"

I completely disagree with that, it’s pretty rare hat someone comes here asking for advice on their lack of sexual desire due to a lack of emotional connection with their spouse, it when someone comes here asking for advice on a lack of emotional intimacy generally, they absolutely get the “what have you done about it” response.

If there is one thing DCUM can always be counted on it’s finding ways to blame an OP for their own situation.

I don't think you get the points being made on this thread.

Perhaps you aren’t explaining your views very well.

Sigh.

There are lots of posts on here by people saying, "I miss the connection of having sex with my spouse." And the response is always, what did you do to rekindle the connection.

There are lots of posts on here by people who say, "I don't want to have sex with my spouse because we've lost the intimate connection I need to want that." And the response is never, what did you do to rekindle that connection.

I just find it odd that some sorts of missing connection are always the fault of the person wanting more, and some types of missing connection are never the fault of the person wanting more.

The thing is? No there’s not. There are a lot of people saying (or one person saying often) “but whatabout this false equivalency I have drawn with emotional withdrawal!” And people responding that meeting basic emotional requirements that this poster lays out are basic good manners and not equivalent to having sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
DP. Maybe I’m misunderstanding you, but I’d like to take a step back from his for a moment. How does sex foster emotional intimacy when it is being demanded of someone who isn’t already feeling emotional intimacy from the person demanding sex?

My point was that needing to reach out to the other person -- and provide the emotional connection and intimacy they need on their terms -- runs both ways. The problem with so many of these posts is that complaints about a husband not providing the emotional connection and intimacy a wife needs is seen as the husband's failing. But a woman not providing the emotional connection or intimacy a husband needs is seen as justified by the husband's failures.

I should add -- you are probably making all kinds of wrong assumptions about who I am. And I don't have any of these problems. But the reflexive blame for certain parties is tiresome in these threads.

I didn’t make any assumptions about who you are and did not assign blame. This gets back to the point that people who are unsatisfied with their sex lives need to explore what else is going on their relationships to understand why their spouse isn’t interested in sex as much. The reasons are always individualized to the relationship (although there do tend to be common themes for broader societal reasons). There is a big differences between someone who stops having sex due to physiological issues and then the lack of sex leads to loss of emotional intimacy on the one hand, and on the other hand someone who loses interest in sex after a long spell of not having their emotional needs met by their spouse. But in neither case will simply demanding more sex create emotional intimacy because there is a very real physical and/or emotional block to the less-interested person engaging positively with their spouse through sex.

I agree! But I wouldn't stop there. My point was that people who don't want to have sex because the relationship is otherwise lacking intimacy should really explore ways to rekindle that intimacy. Unless they are happy with the lack of intimacy, in which case, I wonder why they even want to stay married. It is just strange for me that people say, "I don't want to have sex with my spouse because we are lacking in emotional connection." But the response is never, "What have you done to rekindle that connection?"

I completely disagree with that, it’s pretty rare hat someone comes here asking for advice on their lack of sexual desire due to a lack of emotional connection with their spouse, it when someone comes here asking for advice on a lack of emotional intimacy generally, they absolutely get the “what have you done about it” response.

If there is one thing DCUM can always be counted on it’s finding ways to blame an OP for their own situation.

I don't think you get the points being made on this thread.

Perhaps you aren’t explaining your views very well.

Sigh.

There are lots of posts on here by people saying, "I miss the connection of having sex with my spouse." And the response is always, what did you do to rekindle the connection.

There are lots of posts on here by people who say, "I don't want to have sex with my spouse because we've lost the intimate connection I need to want that." And the response is never, what did you do to rekindle that connection.

I just find it odd that some sorts of missing connection are always the fault of the person wanting more, and some types of missing connection are never the fault of the person wanting more.

The thing is? No there’s not. There are a lot of people saying (or one person saying often) “but whatabout this false equivalency I have drawn with emotional withdrawal!” And people responding that meeting basic emotional requirements that this poster lays out are basic good manners and not equivalent to having sex.

There are TONS of people, in this thread and a thousand others, saying precisely what you bolded. And your statement presupposes that sexual intimacy is not meeting basic emotional requirements. The whole point is that it is not a false equivalence. You might think so, but that's just, like, your opinion man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
DP. Maybe I’m misunderstanding you, but I’d like to take a step back from his for a moment. How does sex foster emotional intimacy when it is being demanded of someone who isn’t already feeling emotional intimacy from the person demanding sex?

My point was that needing to reach out to the other person -- and provide the emotional connection and intimacy they need on their terms -- runs both ways. The problem with so many of these posts is that complaints about a husband not providing the emotional connection and intimacy a wife needs is seen as the husband's failing. But a woman not providing the emotional connection or intimacy a husband needs is seen as justified by the husband's failures.

I should add -- you are probably making all kinds of wrong assumptions about who I am. And I don't have any of these problems. But the reflexive blame for certain parties is tiresome in these threads.

I didn’t make any assumptions about who you are and did not assign blame. This gets back to the point that people who are unsatisfied with their sex lives need to explore what else is going on their relationships to understand why their spouse isn’t interested in sex as much. The reasons are always individualized to the relationship (although there do tend to be common themes for broader societal reasons). There is a big differences between someone who stops having sex due to physiological issues and then the lack of sex leads to loss of emotional intimacy on the one hand, and on the other hand someone who loses interest in sex after a long spell of not having their emotional needs met by their spouse. But in neither case will simply demanding more sex create emotional intimacy because there is a very real physical and/or emotional block to the less-interested person engaging positively with their spouse through sex.

I agree! But I wouldn't stop there. My point was that people who don't want to have sex because the relationship is otherwise lacking intimacy should really explore ways to rekindle that intimacy. Unless they are happy with the lack of intimacy, in which case, I wonder why they even want to stay married. It is just strange for me that people say, "I don't want to have sex with my spouse because we are lacking in emotional connection." But the response is never, "What have you done to rekindle that connection?"

I completely disagree with that, it’s pretty rare hat someone comes here asking for advice on their lack of sexual desire due to a lack of emotional connection with their spouse, it when someone comes here asking for advice on a lack of emotional intimacy generally, they absolutely get the “what have you done about it” response.

If there is one thing DCUM can always be counted on it’s finding ways to blame an OP for their own situation.

I don't think you get the points being made on this thread.

Perhaps you aren’t explaining your views very well.

Sigh.

There are lots of posts on here by people saying, "I miss the connection of having sex with my spouse." And the response is always, what did you do to rekindle the connection.

There are lots of posts on here by people who say, "I don't want to have sex with my spouse because we've lost the intimate connection I need to want that." And the response is never, what did you do to rekindle that connection.

I just find it odd that some sorts of missing connection are always the fault of the person wanting more, and some types of missing connection are never the fault of the person wanting more.

The thing is? No there’s not. There are a lot of people saying (or one person saying often) “but whatabout this false equivalency I have drawn with emotional withdrawal!” And people responding that meeting basic emotional requirements that this poster lays out are basic good manners and not equivalent to having sex.

There are TONS of people, in this thread and a thousand others, saying precisely what you bolded. And your statement presupposes that sexual intimacy is not meeting basic emotional requirements. The whole point is that it is not a false equivalence. You might think so, but that's just, like, your opinion man.

Sexual intimacy is not meeting basic emotional requirements, and the way you know that is that you have emotional relationships with dozens of people with whom you do not, and do not expect to, have sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
DP. Maybe I’m misunderstanding you, but I’d like to take a step back from his for a moment. How does sex foster emotional intimacy when it is being demanded of someone who isn’t already feeling emotional intimacy from the person demanding sex?

My point was that needing to reach out to the other person -- and provide the emotional connection and intimacy they need on their terms -- runs both ways. The problem with so many of these posts is that complaints about a husband not providing the emotional connection and intimacy a wife needs is seen as the husband's failing. But a woman not providing the emotional connection or intimacy a husband needs is seen as justified by the husband's failures.

I should add -- you are probably making all kinds of wrong assumptions about who I am. And I don't have any of these problems. But the reflexive blame for certain parties is tiresome in these threads.

I didn’t make any assumptions about who you are and did not assign blame. This gets back to the point that people who are unsatisfied with their sex lives need to explore what else is going on their relationships to understand why their spouse isn’t interested in sex as much. The reasons are always individualized to the relationship (although there do tend to be common themes for broader societal reasons). There is a big differences between someone who stops having sex due to physiological issues and then the lack of sex leads to loss of emotional intimacy on the one hand, and on the other hand someone who loses interest in sex after a long spell of not having their emotional needs met by their spouse. But in neither case will simply demanding more sex create emotional intimacy because there is a very real physical and/or emotional block to the less-interested person engaging positively with their spouse through sex.

I agree! But I wouldn't stop there. My point was that people who don't want to have sex because the relationship is otherwise lacking intimacy should really explore ways to rekindle that intimacy. Unless they are happy with the lack of intimacy, in which case, I wonder why they even want to stay married. It is just strange for me that people say, "I don't want to have sex with my spouse because we are lacking in emotional connection." But the response is never, "What have you done to rekindle that connection?"

I completely disagree with that, it’s pretty rare hat someone comes here asking for advice on their lack of sexual desire due to a lack of emotional connection with their spouse, it when someone comes here asking for advice on a lack of emotional intimacy generally, they absolutely get the “what have you done about it” response.

If there is one thing DCUM can always be counted on it’s finding ways to blame an OP for their own situation.

I don't think you get the points being made on this thread.

Perhaps you aren’t explaining your views very well.

Sigh.

There are lots of posts on here by people saying, "I miss the connection of having sex with my spouse." And the response is always, what did you do to rekindle the connection.

There are lots of posts on here by people who say, "I don't want to have sex with my spouse because we've lost the intimate connection I need to want that." And the response is never, what did you do to rekindle that connection.

I just find it odd that some sorts of missing connection are always the fault of the person wanting more, and some types of missing connection are never the fault of the person wanting more.

Can you find examples of threads started by people presenting this issue where no one asks them what they’ve done to rekindle it? I mean, one random person saying that in someone else’s thread isn’t necessarily going to get attention because it’s not their thread and they shouldn’t be derailing someone else’s discussion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
DP. Maybe I’m misunderstanding you, but I’d like to take a step back from his for a moment. How does sex foster emotional intimacy when it is being demanded of someone who isn’t already feeling emotional intimacy from the person demanding sex?

My point was that needing to reach out to the other person -- and provide the emotional connection and intimacy they need on their terms -- runs both ways. The problem with so many of these posts is that complaints about a husband not providing the emotional connection and intimacy a wife needs is seen as the husband's failing. But a woman not providing the emotional connection or intimacy a husband needs is seen as justified by the husband's failures.

I should add -- you are probably making all kinds of wrong assumptions about who I am. And I don't have any of these problems. But the reflexive blame for certain parties is tiresome in these threads.

I didn’t make any assumptions about who you are and did not assign blame. This gets back to the point that people who are unsatisfied with their sex lives need to explore what else is going on their relationships to understand why their spouse isn’t interested in sex as much. The reasons are always individualized to the relationship (although there do tend to be common themes for broader societal reasons). There is a big differences between someone who stops having sex due to physiological issues and then the lack of sex leads to loss of emotional intimacy on the one hand, and on the other hand someone who loses interest in sex after a long spell of not having their emotional needs met by their spouse. But in neither case will simply demanding more sex create emotional intimacy because there is a very real physical and/or emotional block to the less-interested person engaging positively with their spouse through sex.

I agree! But I wouldn't stop there. My point was that people who don't want to have sex because the relationship is otherwise lacking intimacy should really explore ways to rekindle that intimacy. Unless they are happy with the lack of intimacy, in which case, I wonder why they even want to stay married. It is just strange for me that people say, "I don't want to have sex with my spouse because we are lacking in emotional connection." But the response is never, "What have you done to rekindle that connection?"

I completely disagree with that, it’s pretty rare hat someone comes here asking for advice on their lack of sexual desire due to a lack of emotional connection with their spouse, it when someone comes here asking for advice on a lack of emotional intimacy generally, they absolutely get the “what have you done about it” response.

If there is one thing DCUM can always be counted on it’s finding ways to blame an OP for their own situation.

I don't think you get the points being made on this thread.

Perhaps you aren’t explaining your views very well.

Sigh.

There are lots of posts on here by people saying, "I miss the connection of having sex with my spouse." And the response is always, what did you do to rekindle the connection.

There are lots of posts on here by people who say, "I don't want to have sex with my spouse because we've lost the intimate connection I need to want that." And the response is never, what did you do to rekindle that connection.

I just find it odd that some sorts of missing connection are always the fault of the person wanting more, and some types of missing connection are never the fault of the person wanting more.

The thing is? No there’s not. There are a lot of people saying (or one person saying often) “but whatabout this false equivalency I have drawn with emotional withdrawal!” And people responding that meeting basic emotional requirements that this poster lays out are basic good manners and not equivalent to having sex.

There are TONS of people, in this thread and a thousand others, saying precisely what you bolded. And your statement presupposes that sexual intimacy is not meeting basic emotional requirements. The whole point is that it is not a false equivalence. You might think so, but that's just, like, your opinion man.

People saying the bolded in this thread aren’t looking for advice on how to change their situations so there is no need to “solve” anything for them. Those posters are simply offering up their own experiences as to why they are not interested in sex in case that is helpful to the OP, who is looking for advice on how to change his.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
DP. Maybe I’m misunderstanding you, but I’d like to take a step back from his for a moment. How does sex foster emotional intimacy when it is being demanded of someone who isn’t already feeling emotional intimacy from the person demanding sex?

My point was that needing to reach out to the other person -- and provide the emotional connection and intimacy they need on their terms -- runs both ways. The problem with so many of these posts is that complaints about a husband not providing the emotional connection and intimacy a wife needs is seen as the husband's failing. But a woman not providing the emotional connection or intimacy a husband needs is seen as justified by the husband's failures.

I should add -- you are probably making all kinds of wrong assumptions about who I am. And I don't have any of these problems. But the reflexive blame for certain parties is tiresome in these threads.

I didn’t make any assumptions about who you are and did not assign blame. This gets back to the point that people who are unsatisfied with their sex lives need to explore what else is going on their relationships to understand why their spouse isn’t interested in sex as much. The reasons are always individualized to the relationship (although there do tend to be common themes for broader societal reasons). There is a big differences between someone who stops having sex due to physiological issues and then the lack of sex leads to loss of emotional intimacy on the one hand, and on the other hand someone who loses interest in sex after a long spell of not having their emotional needs met by their spouse. But in neither case will simply demanding more sex create emotional intimacy because there is a very real physical and/or emotional block to the less-interested person engaging positively with their spouse through sex.

I agree! But I wouldn't stop there. My point was that people who don't want to have sex because the relationship is otherwise lacking intimacy should really explore ways to rekindle that intimacy. Unless they are happy with the lack of intimacy, in which case, I wonder why they even want to stay married. It is just strange for me that people say, "I don't want to have sex with my spouse because we are lacking in emotional connection." But the response is never, "What have you done to rekindle that connection?"

I completely disagree with that, it’s pretty rare hat someone comes here asking for advice on their lack of sexual desire due to a lack of emotional connection with their spouse, it when someone comes here asking for advice on a lack of emotional intimacy generally, they absolutely get the “what have you done about it” response.

If there is one thing DCUM can always be counted on it’s finding ways to blame an OP for their own situation.

I don't think you get the points being made on this thread.

Perhaps you aren’t explaining your views very well.

Sigh.

There are lots of posts on here by people saying, "I miss the connection of having sex with my spouse." And the response is always, what did you do to rekindle the connection.

There are lots of posts on here by people who say, "I don't want to have sex with my spouse because we've lost the intimate connection I need to want that." And the response is never, what did you do to rekindle that connection.

I just find it odd that some sorts of missing connection are always the fault of the person wanting more, and some types of missing connection are never the fault of the person wanting more.

The thing is? No there’s not. There are a lot of people saying (or one person saying often) “but whatabout this false equivalency I have drawn with emotional withdrawal!” And people responding that meeting basic emotional requirements that this poster lays out are basic good manners and not equivalent to having sex.

There are TONS of people, in this thread and a thousand others, saying precisely what you bolded. And your statement presupposes that sexual intimacy is not meeting basic emotional requirements. The whole point is that it is not a false equivalence. You might think so, but that's just, like, your opinion man.

People saying the bolded in this thread aren’t looking for advice on how to change their situations so there is no need to “solve” anything for them. Those posters are simply offering up their own experiences as to why they are not interested in sex in case that is helpful to the OP, who is looking for advice on how to change his.

The fact that they are not trying to change the bad situation is actually pretty sad, and is why they have miserable marriages. They are probably the same ones complaining about how unfair it was that their husbands cheated on them.