He's cheating. Now what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry. Sending you a huge hug. My mom left my dad after 40 years of marriage due to him having multiple affairs. She simply could no longer live with a liar. If your dh truly loves the kids, he wouldn't continue hurting you (and them) by cheating behind your back. I think we often are clinging to the person we want them to be rather than the person they really are. And that really only benefits them, not us.

Oh please. You can love your kids and still cheat on your spouse. Spare us your drivel.

Not really, no. If you love your kids, you want the best for them. Screwing around on their mother is not in their best interest. Ever.

If you love your kids, you contain your own selfish desires and put their needs first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry. Sending you a huge hug. My mom left my dad after 40 years of marriage due to him having multiple affairs. She simply could no longer live with a liar. If your dh truly loves the kids, he wouldn't continue hurting you (and them) by cheating behind your back. I think we often are clinging to the person we want them to be rather than the person they really are. And that really only benefits them, not us.

Oh please. You can love your kids and still cheat on your spouse. Spare us your drivel.

Not really, no. If you love your kids, you want the best for them. Screwing around on their mother is not in their best interest. Ever.

If you love your kids, you contain your own selfish desires and put their needs first.

+1, and I'll note that this is what we expect of the betrayed spouse. You're never supposed to be anything less than cordial to your spouse, never supposed to say anything bad about him to the kids, and of course you aren't supposed to tell them about the transgression, even when not doing so makes you look like the bad guy. I have never been in that situation but it seems hard AF. If everybody expects somebody to do that for their kids, I don't see why we can't expect people to not hurt their spouses for the sake of the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Actually I have a pretty well informed view of what single life is like. Here’s what it will be: less money, less time, loss of friends, being treated as less-than by just about everybody, constant unending stress and anxiety about being the breadwinner and only source of everything, no one to help you if you’re tired or sick, inability to travel. Inability to take on extra work, possible need to change career paths to free up more time for kids, an endless parade of freaks and losers with flaws at least as large as her DH’s but people who have zero committment to her children, while her apparently awesome high earning handsome funny non abusive non alcoholic non addicted highly educated service-oriented DH takes up with someone new and possibly goes on to have more kids, shortchanging her own, and providing a stable secure life for some other woman while OP watches from her office window, where she now spends every minute that she isn’t with her kids. It sucks, and is not necessarily better than dealing with the flawed human she married.

I am a divorced 45-year-old woman with kids. What are you describe here is just not true. Stop imagining what divorce is like for people.

I don't think PP is saying all divorces are like this. Just if you get divorced from an otherwise great catch. Maybe you married and divorced a loser.

My ex is an attorney. He is not a loser. (But is a jerk). Regardless, almost nothing you describe is my reality.

I'm a NP and what she described is basically my reality.

It is not mine. Your reality is not universal. She is a doctor. Her reality would not look like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Actually I have a pretty well informed view of what single life is like. Here’s what it will be: less money, less time, loss of friends, being treated as less-than by just about everybody, constant unending stress and anxiety about being the breadwinner and only source of everything, no one to help you if you’re tired or sick, inability to travel. Inability to take on extra work, possible need to change career paths to free up more time for kids, an endless parade of freaks and losers with flaws at least as large as her DH’s but people who have zero committment to her children, while her apparently awesome high earning handsome funny non abusive non alcoholic non addicted highly educated service-oriented DH takes up with someone new and possibly goes on to have more kids, shortchanging her own, and providing a stable secure life for some other woman while OP watches from her office window, where she now spends every minute that she isn’t with her kids. It sucks, and is not necessarily better than dealing with the flawed human she married.

I am a divorced 45-year-old woman with kids. What are you describe here is just not true. Stop imagining what divorce is like for people.

I don't think PP is saying all divorces are like this. Just if you get divorced from an otherwise great catch. Maybe you married and divorced a loser.

My ex is an attorney. He is not a loser. (But is a jerk). Regardless, almost nothing you describe is my reality.

I'm a NP and what she described is basically my reality.

It is not mine. Your reality is not universal. She is a doctor. Her reality would not look like this.

Lol. Reread it. Being a doctor only makes it MORE likely. Doctors aren't known to have copious amounts of free time for domestic life and dating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry. Sending you a huge hug. My mom left my dad after 40 years of marriage due to him having multiple affairs. She simply could no longer live with a liar. If your dh truly loves the kids, he wouldn't continue hurting you (and them) by cheating behind your back. I think we often are clinging to the person we want them to be rather than the person they really are. And that really only benefits them, not us.

Oh please. You can love your kids and still cheat on your spouse. Spare us your drivel.

Not really, no. If you love your kids, you want the best for them. Screwing around on their mother is not in their best interest. Ever.

If you love your kids, you contain your own selfish desires and put their needs first.

I'm a woman, ftr, but would the same apply to mothers who refuse their husbands sex? (Not OP's situation I know.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry. Sending you a huge hug. My mom left my dad after 40 years of marriage due to him having multiple affairs. She simply could no longer live with a liar. If your dh truly loves the kids, he wouldn't continue hurting you (and them) by cheating behind your back. I think we often are clinging to the person we want them to be rather than the person they really are. And that really only benefits them, not us.

Oh please. You can love your kids and still cheat on your spouse. Spare us your drivel.

Not really, no. If you love your kids, you want the best for them. Screwing around on their mother is not in their best interest. Ever.

If you love your kids, you contain your own selfish desires and put their needs first.

I'm a woman, ftr, but would the same apply to mothers who refuse their husbands sex? (Not OP's situation I know.)

Uh, that’s the whole mommy martyr philosophy. I give all of my love and attention to my children, I literally have nothing left for myself, much less the selfish physical desires of my husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry. Sending you a huge hug. My mom left my dad after 40 years of marriage due to him having multiple affairs. She simply could no longer live with a liar. If your dh truly loves the kids, he wouldn't continue hurting you (and them) by cheating behind your back. I think we often are clinging to the person we want them to be rather than the person they really are. And that really only benefits them, not us.

Oh please. You can love your kids and still cheat on your spouse. Spare us your drivel.

Not really, no. If you love your kids, you want the best for them. Screwing around on their mother is not in their best interest. Ever.

If you love your kids, you contain your own selfish desires and put their needs first.

I'm a woman, ftr, but would the same apply to mothers who refuse their husbands sex? (Not OP's situation I know.)

I don’t know of any woman having an illegitimate child or getting an STI from abstaining from sex, so no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Actually I have a pretty well informed view of what single life is like. Here’s what it will be: less money, less time, loss of friends, being treated as less-than by just about everybody, constant unending stress and anxiety about being the breadwinner and only source of everything, no one to help you if you’re tired or sick, inability to travel. Inability to take on extra work, possible need to change career paths to free up more time for kids, an endless parade of freaks and losers with flaws at least as large as her DH’s but people who have zero committment to her children, while her apparently awesome high earning handsome funny non abusive non alcoholic non addicted highly educated service-oriented DH takes up with someone new and possibly goes on to have more kids, shortchanging her own, and providing a stable secure life for some other woman while OP watches from her office window, where she now spends every minute that she isn’t with her kids. It sucks, and is not necessarily better than dealing with the flawed human she married.

I am a divorced 45-year-old woman with kids. What are you describe here is just not true. Stop imagining what divorce is like for people.

I don't think PP is saying all divorces are like this. Just if you get divorced from an otherwise great catch. Maybe you married and divorced a loser.

My ex is an attorney. He is not a loser. (But is a jerk). Regardless, almost nothing you describe is my reality.

I'm a NP and what she described is basically my reality.

It is not mine. Your reality is not universal. She is a doctor. Her reality would not look like this.

Lol. Reread it. Being a doctor only makes it MORE likely. Doctors aren't known to have copious amounts of free time for domestic life and dating.

I don’t have time for dating, but I didn’t have any more time before when I was working either. The rest of that post sounds absolutely pathetic and that’s just not true..

[Anonymous]

OP, how did today go?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op. I am now long divorced from a serial cheater. A couple of things I wish I had done differently:

1) confrontation - I wish I had not confronted immediately. I should have sat longer - collected more evidence of the cheating, gotten a lawyer immediately, and gotten an individual therapist immediately. There was a lot I should have worked out in therapy first about the kind of marriage I wanted (and were still options in the present circumstances), and what was good for ME and the stability of my kids (and there is a lot work through about the impact of cheating on the victim spouse and kids as well as divorce). I would still have decided to divorce, but I could have probably cut much of the confrontation and therapy cycle short because it was immediately obvious that DH was not honest after being confronted. That should have been the dealbreaker for me and I should have been prepared to move immediately to divorce.(Instead I went through a cycle of confrontation, therapy, and then catching him again. I could have saved 2 years of my life, and a good therapist would have supported my instinct about his reaction to confrontation and manipulation of me.)

2) post - nuptial - at the time I was going through this - I was told these were unenforceable. Nonetheless, it would have had some psychological value.

3) sex - I’m just going warn you that continuing to have sex with someone who has betrayed you in this way can have real traumatic impact. I was firmly committed to monogamy and had explicit discussions about this while dating. My requirement for monogamy had nothing to do with morality but was about wanting a safe environment which would enhance my own sexual pleasure). I underestimated the betrayal trauma I experienced. I felt like I had to keep having sex with him if I wanted to “save” the marriage, but the truth is I felt like it was a form of rape by fraud. He continued to lie to me about his sexual behavior while having/demanding sex with me. It was gross and I did myself a lot of psychological damage by believing that I somehow had to accede to those demands in order to stay married (because I also didn’t want to have a sexless life and I didn’t want to take a lover outside of marriage.) I honestly wish I had told him at confrontation that our sexual relationship was over, that I considered myself free to have sex outside marriage without any constraints or disclosure and that whether we ever had sex together again now had to be mutually renegotiated.

YMMV, or course.

So much of what you say here rings true. Plus one.

[Anonymous]

Having not read 22 pages of responses....I would be ok with my spouse having an occasional fling but habitual cheating would be tough to get over. I'd be worried about the financial drain. Men don't get laid for free.

But it's up to you what you can honestly take. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a troll. If not, I’m sorry

I don’t know how anyone can live like that, especially when you are still having sex.

I found evidence and confronted immediately. I don’t know how anyone doesn’t.

I couldn’t have a marriage where this open policy or don’t ask don’t tell crap was going on. No way.

This thing that you all do where if someone has a life experience that doesn't align with yours so you automatically call them a troll is getting old and tired.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have been married 20 years but have small children? Explain that? How old are the kids? Do you work?

OP here. Married at 22. Had kids at 34 and 37. Now 42 with an 8 and 5 year old.

Yes, I have always worked. My career required a long period of graduate education and post graduate training, hence having kids in our 30s even though we married in our 20s.

Well OP idk what to tell you. You have a weird family makeup. Most people wouldn't wait that long to start having kids after getting married. I'd venture to guess you have a ton of problems in your marriage and home life that you're blind to.

What does this have to do with anything?? Weird family makeup?? People can choose to have children whenever they wish. Damn you sound dumb. Smh.

[Anonymous]

You only just found out. You have cycles and waves of varying emotions to go through yet that may shift what you want and how you feel. You don't need to do anything immediately. Take a few days to process what you know. Regardless of what you think you want to do, you should talk to a lawyer so you know your options.

Check out the Surviving Infidelity website. They have a board for those who just found out.

In the interest of your health and wellbeing, I am not sure how you could stay and not say anything. If you are okay with an open marriage, then that is a conversation to have so it can be done safely and openly. However again, you don't need to go there yet or make those decisions yet.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am so sorry you are going through all this right now.

Your heart must now be shattered 💔 into a billion pieces at this time.

I would not make any major life decisions right now - though I know from experience this is easier said than actually done.

Personally I find it problematic that so many people on here are saying they would stay, that it is ONLY sex, not the worst thing anyone can do, they can turn a blind eye, etc.

To stay married to someone who would lie to you & disrespect you and your union in such a horrific way is no way to live.
It is selling yourself short on what you deserve in a mate.
Lying + cheating are never okay.
Trust is the ultimate foundation of any and all types of relationships and when it is not present, then the relationship is worthless.

And OP -> remember, it is NEVER your fault if you are cheated on!
Never, no exceptions!!
You are the victim here.
Please do not blame yourself for your husband breaking his marital vows to you.

I could not live w/someone who would lie and cheat on my heart, I could never live w/the enormous amount of stress that would entail.

Hopefully you can make a decision that you will be happy for the rest of your life.
My thoughts and prayers are w/you today.