What do you do when your adult child goes into therapy and lays blame at your feet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So DS 30's has finally gone into therapy to work on himself, but now he is basically blaming me and my marriage problem/fighting, my religion that I forced on him, my homeschooling, my house rules, etc. All these things caused his mental problems and unhappiness according to his therapist. I have apologized if I contributed but there is not much to be done now. He wrote me a letter about it. It's depressing have all this blame hurled at me, I can't change the past and I wasn't a perfect parent - but we did our best and I thought he had a fairly happy childhood, much better than DH and I. I tried to give him the childhood I wanted as a kid. It's causing me to feel down. No one can hurt you like your kid.

If you don't accept responsibility, then you aren't really apologizing. You acknowledge that your marriage was high conflict, but refuse to take responsibility for protecting your child from it.

Op, was your son abused by your spouse? Did your house rules mean he was isolated a lot? Was your religion a more extreme or fundamentalist one? When he came to you with problems, how did you handle it? Was your spouse your son's step father?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So DS 30's has finally gone into therapy to work on himself, but now he is basically blaming me and my marriage problem/fighting, my religion that I forced on him, my homeschooling, my house rules, etc. All these things caused his mental problems and unhappiness according to his therapist. I have apologized if I contributed but there is not much to be done now. He wrote me a letter about it. It's depressing have all this blame hurled at me, I can't change the past and I wasn't a perfect parent - but we did our best and I thought he had a fairly happy childhood, much better than DH and I. I tried to give him the childhood I wanted as a kid. It's causing me to feel down. No one can hurt you like your kid.

If you don't accept responsibility, then you aren't really apologizing. You acknowledge that your marriage was high conflict, but refuse to take responsibility for protecting your child from it.

Op, was your son abused by your spouse? Did your house rules mean he was isolated a lot? Was your religion a more extreme or fundamentalist one? When he came to you with problems, how did you handle it? Was your spouse your son's step father?

Those are good questions. I read that a child from a troubled home will likely be OK if he's got just one strong, caring person in his life. If neither the mother nor stepfather were strong/caring/available, and he was isolated and unable to form relationships outside of this home, that could make for a very negative outcome for the young man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

This is all I needed to read to know that OP was the problem. My mother does the same thing to me. I was colicky. She brings it up 40 years later. Like I owe her an apology for my inability to control my crying and be content with her as a baby.

So, a homeschooling, religious fundie who was annoyed that her baby cried is now not pleased that the baby grew up and told her she sucked as a mom. Poor guy. I hope he marries someone who is a better wife/mother than OP.

DP. Where did you get all this cr@p? Your fevered imagination? OP never said she threw her DS’ stubbornness his face—that was a completely different poster who was talking about her own mother. OP hasn’t told us how she dealt with her stubborn DC. OP also never indicated that she’s a fundie—you made that up. People homeschool for many reasons—ask our our atheist homeschooling neighbors—and you have no clue how much religion played a part because OP hasn’t told us all her reasons. Maybe she lived in a bad school district.

Geez, get a grip. We get it, you’re an anti-religion bigot. Can you stop posting this now?

OP did say, right above, that she wanted DC to go to college and now he’s mad about that. You didn’t address that in your rant. So tell us, is wanting college for your kids really so bad?

Wanting college isn't so bad, but altogether the picture painted for me is that: This mother never considered any input from her son about his life. She prescribed homeschooling, religion and college and didn't budge when he didn't respond well to those. It paints a picture of a mother who didn't know or care to know who her child was, did not value his individuality, and instead just marched him on to meet her own goals, as if he were a product and not a person. This would be traumatizing.

How do you know her son made his schooling and religion wishes known when he was still young but she just steam-rolled over them? OP never said that. It sounds very much like his claims about schooling and religion are new to her. What OP actually said was that they argued about him wearing clothes and doing chores—are you claiming she should have backed down on either of these to respect his “individuality”? Again, you’re fantasizing to fit some bizarre personal narrative of your own.

It's not a bizarre personal narrative. It is a pattern that many of us here recognize from our own experiences. Do I know OP? No. Do I know that what she shared is the whole story or accurate? Of course not. But many, many of the details are consistent with the idea that she's got some kind of personality disorder and that she mistreated or abused her son.

I share my take on the story because I have relevant experience, and even if my experience isn't close to what happened in OP's house, it's definitely going to be close to what happened in another poster's house. Therefore, it's relevant and will possibly resonate and help someone else.

Not just me but others picked up on:
The mother's inability to apologize unequivocally
The mother's criticism of the boy for having been a difficult baby/child
The mother's greater concern for her own discomfort, at having been confronted, than with the well being of her son

These are HALLMARKS of an abusive borderline or narcissistic parent.

I wonder why you're so invested in defending the mother. She's merely suffering some discomfort from being confronted. The son's problems, if I am right, are much worse.

Since you’re using caps: OP NEVER said she criticized her son for being difficult. That was ANOTHER POSTER who was talking about her own mom criticizing her. This was already pointed out to you. Go back and read the thread. Or are you just trolling? Geez.

I had a sometimes abusive mom. And yet I can stand back and not try to shoehorn this thread into my own experiences and prejudices, especially when OP’s given us nothing to justify that. You’re the narcissist, making armchair diagnoses based on nothing else but, apparently, your own strong dislike of religion, homeschooling, and kids wearing clothes and doing chores. Sit down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So DS 30's has finally gone into therapy to work on himself, but now he is basically blaming me and my marriage problem/fighting, my religion that I forced on him, my homeschooling, my house rules, etc. All these things caused his mental problems and unhappiness according to his therapist. I have apologized if I contributed but there is not much to be done now. He wrote me a letter about it. It's depressing have all this blame hurled at me, I can't change the past and I wasn't a perfect parent - but we did our best and I thought he had a fairly happy childhood, much better than DH and I. I tried to give him the childhood I wanted as a kid. It's causing me to feel down. No one can hurt you like your kid.

If you don't accept responsibility, then you aren't really apologizing. You acknowledge that your marriage was high conflict, but refuse to take responsibility for protecting your child from it.

Op, was your son abused by your spouse? Did your house rules mean he was isolated a lot? Was your religion a more extreme or fundamentalist one? When he came to you with problems, how did you handle it? Was your spouse your son's step father?

These are all questions we need to have answers to before pp can justify calling OP an abusive narcissist. Merely mentioning religion and homeschooling mean nothing on their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So DS 30's has finally gone into therapy to work on himself, but now he is basically blaming me and my marriage problem/fighting, my religion that I forced on him, my homeschooling, my house rules, etc. All these things caused his mental problems and unhappiness according to his therapist. I have apologized if I contributed but there is not much to be done now. He wrote me a letter about it. It's depressing have all this blame hurled at me, I can't change the past and I wasn't a perfect parent - but we did our best and I thought he had a fairly happy childhood, much better than DH and I. I tried to give him the childhood I wanted as a kid. It's causing me to feel down. No one can hurt you like your kid.

If you don't accept responsibility, then you aren't really apologizing. You acknowledge that your marriage was high conflict, but refuse to take responsibility for protecting your child from it.

Where are you getting this? OP says nothing about how she responded to the letter and it’s not clear she’s even responded yet. I read “if I contributed” to mean “I apologized for the things under my control,” - it’s you putting a spin of “not my fault” on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So DS 30's has finally gone into therapy to work on himself, but now he is basically blaming me and my marriage problem/fighting, my religion that I forced on him, my homeschooling, my house rules, etc. All these things caused his mental problems and unhappiness according to his therapist. I have apologized if I contributed but there is not much to be done now. He wrote me a letter about it. It's depressing have all this blame hurled at me, I can't change the past and I wasn't a perfect parent - but we did our best and I thought he had a fairly happy childhood, much better than DH and I. I tried to give him the childhood I wanted as a kid. It's causing me to feel down. No one can hurt you like your kid.

If you don't accept responsibility, then you aren't really apologizing. You acknowledge that your marriage was high conflict, but refuse to take responsibility for protecting your child from it.

Where are you getting this? OP says nothing about how she responded to the letter and it’s not clear she’s even responded yet. I read “if I contributed” to mean “I apologized for the things under my control,” - it’s you putting a spin of “not my fault” on it.

m

Your reading is convoluted. “If” I contributed means the speaker does not agree that they contributed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was in my 20's I went into therapy because I was unhappy and struggling with life. I was angry with my dysfunctional parents for my difficult childhood. I was focused on me me me and what I needed.

I wrote my Dad a letter about how his alcoholism and marital abuse affected me and my life. He never responded but I am sure it hit him in the gut. Years later I realized that's all I really wanted, to inflict maximum pain on my parents. Hurt people, hurt people. It seemed fair at the time. I was satisfied.

Decades later I see my parents (now dead) in a larger picture, they were products of their upbringing. They were raised in the depression, large families, under brutal parents and religion. They themselves had too many kids to manage successfully because birth control wasn't available. They struggled to keep a marriage together under the stress of not enough money and too many kids.

So decades later, I feel sorry for them not angry with them. It took some living to see the picture clearly.

Oh right, his alcoholism had nothing to do with you having a miserable childhood. It was just you wanting to hurt your parents.

My father drinking cause huge trauma and dysfunction in the family. But in my 20s I wanted to punish and hurt him. Decades later I realized that HIS childhood life had punished him. WWII punished him.. Later in life his health punished him. It was enough. I am not making any excuses for him. But I didn't need to punish him more to feel better myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

This is all I needed to read to know that OP was the problem. My mother does the same thing to me. I was colicky. She brings it up 40 years later. Like I owe her an apology for my inability to control my crying and be content with her as a baby.

So, a homeschooling, religious fundie who was annoyed that her baby cried is now not pleased that the baby grew up and told her she sucked as a mom. Poor guy. I hope he marries someone who is a better wife/mother than OP.

DP. Where did you get all this cr@p? Your fevered imagination? OP never said she threw her DS’ stubbornness his face—that was a completely different poster who was talking about her own mother. OP hasn’t told us how she dealt with her stubborn DC. OP also never indicated that she’s a fundie—you made that up. People homeschool for many reasons—ask our our atheist homeschooling neighbors—and you have no clue how much religion played a part because OP hasn’t told us all her reasons. Maybe she lived in a bad school district.

Geez, get a grip. We get it, you’re an anti-religion bigot. Can you stop posting this now?

OP did say, right above, that she wanted DC to go to college and now he’s mad about that. You didn’t address that in your rant. So tell us, is wanting college for your kids really so bad?

Wanting college isn't so bad, but altogether the picture painted for me is that: This mother never considered any input from her son about his life. She prescribed homeschooling, religion and college and didn't budge when he didn't respond well to those. It paints a picture of a mother who didn't know or care to know who her child was, did not value his individuality, and instead just marched him on to meet her own goals, as if he were a product and not a person. This would be traumatizing.

How do you know her son made his schooling and religion wishes known when he was still young but she just steam-rolled over them? OP never said that. It sounds very much like his claims about schooling and religion are new to her. What OP actually said was that they argued about him wearing clothes and doing chores—are you claiming she should have backed down on either of these to respect his “individuality”? Again, you’re fantasizing to fit some bizarre personal narrative of your own.

This is now a long thread but I thought OP came back and acknowledged homeschooling and her marriage were issues that affected her son negatively. And that she stood by college and religion?

OP here, we pushed DS to go to college because we hoped it would help him find a career path and also help him grow up vs living at home. DS went to the college but didn't go to classes or study so his grades were crap and had to leave. DS blames us to sending him to college but doesn't take responsibility for not going to class or studying. Now his college GPA is so low he feels like he can't enroll in college now if we wanted to. Not his fault, but ours.

After 18 we didn't force church on him, but did expect him to be a godly person in his behavior. He went a bit wild as a young adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So DS 30's has finally gone into therapy to work on himself, but now he is basically blaming me and my marriage problem/fighting, my religion that I forced on him, my homeschooling, my house rules, etc. All these things caused his mental problems and unhappiness according to his therapist. I have apologized if I contributed but there is not much to be done now. He wrote me a letter about it. It's depressing have all this blame hurled at me, I can't change the past and I wasn't a perfect parent - but we did our best and I thought he had a fairly happy childhood, much better than DH and I. I tried to give him the childhood I wanted as a kid. It's causing me to feel down. No one can hurt you like your kid.

If you don't accept responsibility, then you aren't really apologizing. You acknowledge that your marriage was high conflict, but refuse to take responsibility for protecting your child from it.

Where are you getting this? OP says nothing about how she responded to the letter and it’s not clear she’s even responded yet. I read “if I contributed” to mean “I apologized for the things under my control,” - it’s you putting a spin of “not my fault” on it.

m

Your reading is convoluted. “If” I contributed means the speaker does not agree that they contributed.

No it doesn’t. Only if you’re trying to take out your mommy/daddy issues on OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's weird here is the charade that parents of adult kids suddenly no longer engage in any sort of parenting/controlling behavior once their kids are 18, and that no parent-child power dynamic exists anymore. Nothing magic happens when a kid turns 18. Parents often continue to make demands, try to exert control, engage in unhealthy triangulation with other relatives, manipulate, etc. This doesn't magically stop because the child is legally an adult. My guess is that the parents so "shocked" that their adult child is "complaining" have never ceased to try to exert control over their child, and they continue to refuse to even try to be emotionally mature.

There are plenty of parents that are disappointed in their adult children, they cause the parents a lot of pain and money into adulthood. Parents have their own regrets and shoulda-done this or that differently. Parents never stop loving their kids and wanting them to be happy. Therapy and self help should help achieve that, not finger pointing and blaming the parents.

I mean, you're just making my point. The dysfunctional relationship can continue into adulthood and parents are not magically exempt from their role because the child is an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

This is all I needed to read to know that OP was the problem. My mother does the same thing to me. I was colicky. She brings it up 40 years later. Like I owe her an apology for my inability to control my crying and be content with her as a baby.

So, a homeschooling, religious fundie who was annoyed that her baby cried is now not pleased that the baby grew up and told her she sucked as a mom. Poor guy. I hope he marries someone who is a better wife/mother than OP.

DP. Where did you get all this cr@p? Your fevered imagination? OP never said she threw her DS’ stubbornness his face—that was a completely different poster who was talking about her own mother. OP hasn’t told us how she dealt with her stubborn DC. OP also never indicated that she’s a fundie—you made that up. People homeschool for many reasons—ask our our atheist homeschooling neighbors—and you have no clue how much religion played a part because OP hasn’t told us all her reasons. Maybe she lived in a bad school district.

Geez, get a grip. We get it, you’re an anti-religion bigot. Can you stop posting this now?

OP did say, right above, that she wanted DC to go to college and now he’s mad about that. You didn’t address that in your rant. So tell us, is wanting college for your kids really so bad?

Wanting college is ok. Forcing your kid to go to college (or the college the parent wants, or major the parent wants) is not ok. From OP's post I can surmise that she didn't just "want" her son to go to college. Additional pressure/manipulation was involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

This is all I needed to read to know that OP was the problem. My mother does the same thing to me. I was colicky. She brings it up 40 years later. Like I owe her an apology for my inability to control my crying and be content with her as a baby.

So, a homeschooling, religious fundie who was annoyed that her baby cried is now not pleased that the baby grew up and told her she sucked as a mom. Poor guy. I hope he marries someone who is a better wife/mother than OP.

DP. Where did you get all this cr@p? Your fevered imagination? OP never said she threw her DS’ stubbornness his face—that was a completely different poster who was talking about her own mother. OP hasn’t told us how she dealt with her stubborn DC. OP also never indicated that she’s a fundie—you made that up. People homeschool for many reasons—ask our our atheist homeschooling neighbors—and you have no clue how much religion played a part because OP hasn’t told us all her reasons. Maybe she lived in a bad school district.

Geez, get a grip. We get it, you’re an anti-religion bigot. Can you stop posting this now?

OP did say, right above, that she wanted DC to go to college and now he’s mad about that. You didn’t address that in your rant. So tell us, is wanting college for your kids really so bad?

Wanting college isn't so bad, but altogether the picture painted for me is that: This mother never considered any input from her son about his life. She prescribed homeschooling, religion and college and didn't budge when he didn't respond well to those. It paints a picture of a mother who didn't know or care to know who her child was, did not value his individuality, and instead just marched him on to meet her own goals, as if he were a product and not a person. This would be traumatizing.

How do you know her son made his schooling and religion wishes known when he was still young but she just steam-rolled over them? OP never said that. It sounds very much like his claims about schooling and religion are new to her. What OP actually said was that they argued about him wearing clothes and doing chores—are you claiming she should have backed down on either of these to respect his “individuality”? Again, you’re fantasizing to fit some bizarre personal narrative of your own.

I agree. Parents run the family according to their customs, religions, educational goals, hygiene goals. If each child got to pick a religion, whether to have schooling, how often to brush their teeth or bathe, being clothed or not, eating healthy food or junk... CPS would need to intervene. Parents make choices for kids because they are the adults. It's one think to let a kid decide to quit piano lessons, but another thing altogether if the kid doesn't want to go to school or wear clothes and the parents just let them decide. That's neglect.

Yuck. Anyone who feels the need to assert the primacy of "Parents run the family" is likely going to be facing their adult child in therapy at some point. Of course parents are the adults and oversee the care and function of the household - that's the whole point. But they aren't dictators. If your view of parenting is "because I said so and I'm the parent," you can't expect your adult child to be happy with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

This is all I needed to read to know that OP was the problem. My mother does the same thing to me. I was colicky. She brings it up 40 years later. Like I owe her an apology for my inability to control my crying and be content with her as a baby.

So, a homeschooling, religious fundie who was annoyed that her baby cried is now not pleased that the baby grew up and told her she sucked as a mom. Poor guy. I hope he marries someone who is a better wife/mother than OP.

DP. Where did you get all this cr@p? Your fevered imagination? OP never said she threw her DS’ stubbornness his face—that was a completely different poster who was talking about her own mother. OP hasn’t told us how she dealt with her stubborn DC. OP also never indicated that she’s a fundie—you made that up. People homeschool for many reasons—ask our our atheist homeschooling neighbors—and you have no clue how much religion played a part because OP hasn’t told us all her reasons. Maybe she lived in a bad school district.

Geez, get a grip. We get it, you’re an anti-religion bigot. Can you stop posting this now?

OP did say, right above, that she wanted DC to go to college and now he’s mad about that. You didn’t address that in your rant. So tell us, is wanting college for your kids really so bad?

Wanting college isn't so bad, but altogether the picture painted for me is that: This mother never considered any input from her son about his life. She prescribed homeschooling, religion and college and didn't budge when he didn't respond well to those. It paints a picture of a mother who didn't know or care to know who her child was, did not value his individuality, and instead just marched him on to meet her own goals, as if he were a product and not a person. This would be traumatizing.

How do you know her son made his schooling and religion wishes known when he was still young but she just steam-rolled over them? OP never said that. It sounds very much like his claims about schooling and religion are new to her. What OP actually said was that they argued about him wearing clothes and doing chores—are you claiming she should have backed down on either of these to respect his “individuality”? Again, you’re fantasizing to fit some bizarre personal narrative of your own.

I agree. Parents run the family according to their customs, religions, educational goals, hygiene goals. If each child got to pick a religion, whether to have schooling, how often to brush their teeth or bathe, being clothed or not, eating healthy food or junk... CPS would need to intervene. Parents make choices for kids because they are the adults. It's one think to let a kid decide to quit piano lessons, but another thing altogether if the kid doesn't want to go to school or wear clothes and the parents just let them decide. That's neglect.

Yuck. Anyone who feels the need to assert the primacy of "Parents run the family" is likely going to be facing their adult child in therapy at some point. Of course parents are the adults and oversee the care and function of the household - that's the whole point. But they aren't dictators. If your view of parenting is "because I said so and I'm the parent," you can't expect your adult child to be happy with that.

You must not have any kids. If parents let their teens write the house rules, they'd drop out of school and start drinking booze at breakfast with their boyfriend/girlfriend who sleeps over every night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

This is all I needed to read to know that OP was the problem. My mother does the same thing to me. I was colicky. She brings it up 40 years later. Like I owe her an apology for my inability to control my crying and be content with her as a baby.

So, a homeschooling, religious fundie who was annoyed that her baby cried is now not pleased that the baby grew up and told her she sucked as a mom. Poor guy. I hope he marries someone who is a better wife/mother than OP.

DP. Where did you get all this cr@p? Your fevered imagination? OP never said she threw her DS’ stubbornness his face—that was a completely different poster who was talking about her own mother. OP hasn’t told us how she dealt with her stubborn DC. OP also never indicated that she’s a fundie—you made that up. People homeschool for many reasons—ask our our atheist homeschooling neighbors—and you have no clue how much religion played a part because OP hasn’t told us all her reasons. Maybe she lived in a bad school district.

Geez, get a grip. We get it, you’re an anti-religion bigot. Can you stop posting this now?

OP did say, right above, that she wanted DC to go to college and now he’s mad about that. You didn’t address that in your rant. So tell us, is wanting college for your kids really so bad?

Wanting college isn't so bad, but altogether the picture painted for me is that: This mother never considered any input from her son about his life. She prescribed homeschooling, religion and college and didn't budge when he didn't respond well to those. It paints a picture of a mother who didn't know or care to know who her child was, did not value his individuality, and instead just marched him on to meet her own goals, as if he were a product and not a person. This would be traumatizing.

How do you know her son made his schooling and religion wishes known when he was still young but she just steam-rolled over them? OP never said that. It sounds very much like his claims about schooling and religion are new to her. What OP actually said was that they argued about him wearing clothes and doing chores—are you claiming she should have backed down on either of these to respect his “individuality”? Again, you’re fantasizing to fit some bizarre personal narrative of your own.

I agree. Parents run the family according to their customs, religions, educational goals, hygiene goals. If each child got to pick a religion, whether to have schooling, how often to brush their teeth or bathe, being clothed or not, eating healthy food or junk... CPS would need to intervene. Parents make choices for kids because they are the adults. It's one think to let a kid decide to quit piano lessons, but another thing altogether if the kid doesn't want to go to school or wear clothes and the parents just let them decide. That's neglect.

Yuck. Anyone who feels the need to assert the primacy of "Parents run the family" is likely going to be facing their adult child in therapy at some point. Of course parents are the adults and oversee the care and function of the household - that's the whole point. But they aren't dictators. If your view of parenting is "because I said so and I'm the parent," you can't expect your adult child to be happy with that.

You must not have any kids. If parents let their teens write the house rules, they'd drop out of school and start drinking booze at breakfast with their boyfriend/girlfriend who sleeps over every night.

Not PP, but that phrase sounds disgusting to me too, honestly, and I have teenagers. Of course my teenagers don't write the rules but over time, they need more and more autonomy over their lives. To say that if any minor child got to pick a religion (the horror!) CPS would get involved is so ridiculous...you know, as I write this I realize just how absurd it is and I wonder if somebody is on the other side of their computer laughing that I'm making it seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

This is all I needed to read to know that OP was the problem. My mother does the same thing to me. I was colicky. She brings it up 40 years later. Like I owe her an apology for my inability to control my crying and be content with her as a baby.

So, a homeschooling, religious fundie who was annoyed that her baby cried is now not pleased that the baby grew up and told her she sucked as a mom. Poor guy. I hope he marries someone who is a better wife/mother than OP.

DP. Where did you get all this cr@p? Your fevered imagination? OP never said she threw her DS’ stubbornness his face—that was a completely different poster who was talking about her own mother. OP hasn’t told us how she dealt with her stubborn DC. OP also never indicated that she’s a fundie—you made that up. People homeschool for many reasons—ask our our atheist homeschooling neighbors—and you have no clue how much religion played a part because OP hasn’t told us all her reasons. Maybe she lived in a bad school district.

Geez, get a grip. We get it, you’re an anti-religion bigot. Can you stop posting this now?

OP did say, right above, that she wanted DC to go to college and now he’s mad about that. You didn’t address that in your rant. So tell us, is wanting college for your kids really so bad?

Wanting college is ok. Forcing your kid to go to college (or the college the parent wants, or major the parent wants) is not ok. From OP's post I can surmise that she didn't just "want" her son to go to college. Additional pressure/manipulation was involved.

Oh goody. Some rando with mommy/daddy issues “surmises” that OP “wanting” her kid to go to college (the horror!) translates to she “forced” him to go snd also imperiously dictated his major (despite the fact that the kid apparently dropped out with OP’s assent). And now rando has delivered her armchair diagnosis. How useful for the rest of us. Happy days.