WWYD? Struggling to help my devastated teen DD whose friends/teammates pranked her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was one incident people - we don't even know the context as to why they did what they did.

Some of you are extremely over involved in your teens lives. Micromanaging their every interaction. Learning to cope and deal with adversity is actually a really critical life skill. Allowing a teen some autonomy in their life to have input into decisions that impacts them is a good thing.

Incredible amount of helicopter/ snowplow parents on this thread. And many more who seem to care more about being able to post on Facebook about how they marched into the principal's office and made a scene...then actually caring about the impact of their parents, actions on the teen.

I work at a college - and last week I had a parent in my office who demanded I resolve a situation where a student's roommates weren't being nice to her. It never ends.

Something is seriously wrong if you would not help/support your child in this situation. This is not a college kid. This is a high school kid who may not know how to cope or deal with it appropriately and needs guidance. Maybe if people like you were more approachable, students would come to you and not their parents.

+1 I find it troubling that is apparently took place over a week ago at this point and based on OP’s most recent post still hasn’t told the coach or the school about it. The time lag is problematic at this point.

[Anonymous]

This is textbook bullying via exclusion. I would speak to the coach and I would want to speak to the organizer of the event. I understand that would be difficult, but you should present the facts with out accusing. I feel for your daughter and hope this is a one time event. However, bullying just needs to happen once, it does not need to be ongoing.

https://www.stopbullying.gov/what-is-bullying/index.html

Social bullying, sometimes referred to as relational bullying, involves hurting someone’s reputation or relationships. Social bullying includes:
Leaving someone out on purpose
Telling other children not to be friends with someone
Spreading rumors about someone
Embarrassing someone in public

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is textbook bullying via exclusion. I would speak to the coach and I would want to speak to the organizer of the event. I understand that would be difficult, but you should present the facts with out accusing. I feel for your daughter and hope this is a one time event. However, bullying just needs to happen once, it does not need to be ongoing.

https://www.stopbullying.gov/what-is-bullying/index.html

Social bullying, sometimes referred to as relational bullying, involves hurting someone’s reputation or relationships. Social bullying includes:
Leaving someone out on purpose
Telling other children not to be friends with someone
Spreading rumors about someone
Embarrassing someone in public

+1

Pertains to parents also! ie: parents can NOT do this ^^^ behavior and expect to not get called on it. Period. Bullying by ANYONE is NOT okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is textbook bullying via exclusion. I would speak to the coach and I would want to speak to the organizer of the event. I understand that would be difficult, but you should present the facts with out accusing. I feel for your daughter and hope this is a one time event. However, bullying just needs to happen once, it does not need to be ongoing.

https://www.stopbullying.gov/what-is-bullying/index.html

Social bullying, sometimes referred to as relational bullying, involves hurting someone’s reputation or relationships. Social bullying includes:
Leaving someone out on purpose
Telling other children not to be friends with someone
Spreading rumors about someone
Embarrassing someone in public

+1

Pertains to parents also! ie: parents can NOT do this ^^^ behavior and expect to not get called on it. Period. Bullying by ANYONE is NOT okay.

+2 OP needs to get involved and step in by contacting the coach and the school. This was no prank, it was out and out bullying.

[Anonymous]

I just received an email from our school Principal that had the following ....
October is National Bullying Prevention Month

Every October, schools and organizations across the country observe National Bullying Prevention Month. The goal is encourage communities to work together to stop bullying and cyberbullying by increasing awareness of the prevalence and impact of bullying on children of all ages. At XXX, the expectation is that our students are kind, and treat one another with respect both inside and outside of school. We welcome family support to discourage bullying behavior outside of school. I am grateful to parents/guardians who inform us about incidents that occur after school and online


I am confident that there is some material at the school the child attends that has mentioned bullying prevention this month. My experience is that the Queen Bees who planned and executed this "prank" are also the students at school for putting the posters up for bullying awareness month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't agree with quitting the team and leaving and do feel that a teen should be able to decide to some degree on how to handle this.

HOWEVER. many of these "snowake, helicopter" whatever comments are troubling. Most seem to suggest that the girl brought it on herself or that the other girls' behavior is just normal and the DD should suck it up.

I can only imagine that you have never been at the other end of gun.

When I was in 8th grade, the only way I survived a tortuous year long attack by my classmates was knowing my mom had my back. She didn't intervene much but knowing she would or could if I needed her to, and having her at home, is what got me through.

So yes. I think the suggestions to back channel colleges, the media, make a federal case are so extreme they should be dismissed.


But having mom, an ally and an adult help her through byhis somehow, is NOT helicoptering or creating a snowflake.

What those girls did is objectively wrong and objectively a big deal. Those downplaying it are maybe worse than the overreacters.

It isn't about bringing it on herself. However the idea that these girls have all been amazing friends and then the entire team just decided for absolutely no reason to be cruel and mean doesn't add up. Behavior exists in a context. It is very, very rare that people are so psychopathic that their actions are driven solely by a desire to cause pain and suffering, particularly to friends / family. Her mom has been an ally - being an ally doesn't mean you go nuclear. Mom has talked and listened to her daughter and they have made decisions together. Mom not marching into the school or blasting on social media doesn't mean mom isn't an ally. And one incident is very different from your year long attack. I haven't seen a single post that reflects your view that this is totally fine and normal. There are a number of posters who think that the daughter should have input into the action mom takes or doesn't' take as it is her life being impacted.

Let's say you're right and there were actions that OP's DD took that led to this behavior, do you think the behavior was justified? I would not want my kid taking the low road, even if I felt there was some rational basis for the retaliation.

[Anonymous]

OP, what happened yesterday? Did you see the other parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't agree with quitting the team and leaving and do feel that a teen should be able to decide to some degree on how to handle this.

HOWEVER. many of these "snowake, helicopter" whatever comments are troubling. Most seem to suggest that the girl brought it on herself or that the other girls' behavior is just normal and the DD should suck it up.

I can only imagine that you have never been at the other end of gun.

When I was in 8th grade, the only way I survived a tortuous year long attack by my classmates was knowing my mom had my back. She didn't intervene much but knowing she would or could if I needed her to, and having her at home, is what got me through.

So yes. I think the suggestions to back channel colleges, the media, make a federal case are so extreme they should be dismissed.


But having mom, an ally and an adult help her through byhis somehow, is NOT helicoptering or creating a snowflake.

What those girls did is objectively wrong and objectively a big deal. Those downplaying it are maybe worse than the overreacters.

It isn't about bringing it on herself. However the idea that these girls have all been amazing friends and then the entire team just decided for absolutely no reason to be cruel and mean doesn't add up. Behavior exists in a context. It is very, very rare that people are so psychopathic that their actions are driven solely by a desire to cause pain and suffering, particularly to friends / family. Her mom has been an ally - being an ally doesn't mean you go nuclear. Mom has talked and listened to her daughter and they have made decisions together. Mom not marching into the school or blasting on social media doesn't mean mom isn't an ally. And one incident is very different from your year long attack. I haven't seen a single post that reflects your view that this is totally fine and normal. There are a number of posters who think that the daughter should have input into the action mom takes or doesn't' take as it is her life being impacted.

Let's say you're right and there were actions that OP's DD took that led to this behavior, do you think the behavior was justified? I would not want my kid taking the low road, even if I felt there was some rational basis for the retaliation.

No, I don't think the behavior was justified. It was mean to give her the wrong date. That said, daughter knows more about the context is the one going to school and playing on the team so i would respect her input. Maybe the behavior will continue and in a couple weeks, daughter will say she has had enough and wants to tell someone, maybe the girls will work out whatever the issue was and move past it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is textbook bullying via exclusion. I would speak to the coach and I would want to speak to the organizer of the event. I understand that would be difficult, but you should present the facts with out accusing. I feel for your daughter and hope this is a one time event. However, bullying just needs to happen once, it does not need to be ongoing.

https://www.stopbullying.gov/what-is-bullying/index.html

Social bullying, sometimes referred to as relational bullying, involves hurting someone’s reputation or relationships. Social bullying includes:
Leaving someone out on purpose
Telling other children not to be friends with someone
Spreading rumors about someone
Embarrassing someone in public

+1

Pertains to parents also! ie: parents can NOT do this ^^^ behavior and expect to not get called on it. Period. Bullying by ANYONE is NOT okay.

INCLUDING PARENTS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what happened yesterday? Did you see the other parents?

Op what happened? What is the status update? I don’t think daughter should have to tell. As parent you should tell the school and coach so she can stay out of it.

[Anonymous]

She may not wish to update, as so many are badgering her for the decisions she has made so far.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She may not wish to update, as so many are badgering her for the decisions she has made so far.

It's not that. This is OP. All of the responses and the crowdsourcing has been really helpful. Reading your ideas and seeing your critiques of them online has also been enormously helpful. And I have been truly touched by the collective support that at times has brought me to tears. A PP said a while back that at least everyone agrees that the stunt was either cruel or bullying and I must admit that that universal sentiment educated me and has also buoyed me and helped me to help my DD (in that heart-to-heart I actually said to her I would not refer to the prank as a prank any longer because it was straight up bullying).

But...the situation has just gotten a little trickier and I will likely lay low off these boards now and let things play out.

On one hand, my DD seems to have gotten to a much better place. Though she continues to ask me not to go to the administration or the coach, our talks (aided by your ideas) have helped her take off her rose colored glasses about her teammates. As I said before, she has decided to remain on the team but will not put all her eggs in that friendship basket. She actually chose an entirely different group of kids to hang out with this weekend (as opposed to teammates or just staying home) and I was thrilled. She also has decided to take me up on my offer to get her some extra coaching to help strengthen her skills so that there is no question about whether she merits her position as a starter or, hopefully, that will help her jump to the next level (varsity).

OTOH, I think the parent situation has gotten trickier. There is one fact I've been holding back from this board: a team parent (not Arranger-Parent) is also a teacher at the school. It was this person I assumed I would see yesterday, among others, and I was waiting to gauge their reaction -- I thought it would tell me a lot since it was their DD who said she felt bad (so I assume Teacher-Parent knows). But, did Teacher-Parent find out from her DD before or during or after? Did/Will Teacher-Parent tell coach or administration? Well, I did not see Teacher-Parent but I was asked to coffee later this week by another parent to "catch up" in a way that made me wonder whether this Coffee-Parent is fully aware. I believe this is a sympathetic parent and perhaps reading this thread??? If so, I appreciate your offer for coffee and conversation.

I don't know where this is going to all lead now but I am happy that my DD is in a better place and is holding her head high. I will update if I can.

-OP

[Anonymous]

Wow. Thanks for the update, OP. Sounds like you're doing right by your daughter. Hope we hear from you again after the coffee.

[Anonymous]

OP -

I am glad your daughter is in a better place, and it is natural with some distance from the event that she feels better. I can understand why she doesn't want you to tell the coach or school, and why you want to stay true to her wishes. I am really sympathetic to your position, BUT I really think the coach should know about this and not just for your daughter's sake. There is something really rotten happening with her entire team. Posters keep citing the two ring leaders, but unfortunately it is a much bigger problem than this. The entire team was in on it, had to keep silent for weeks - that is pretty calculated and disturbing and someone (ideally the coach) needs to get to the bottom of it.

You don't need to go with the nuclear approach that some are suggesting of calling colleges or alerting the media. You don't even need to demand specific punishments. I think you said some on the varsity team knows about this. There is a chance that the captains will go to the coach, but I think a neutral, factual explanation from an adult is in order.

Wishing for the best for both of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP -

I am glad your daughter is in a better place, and it is natural with some distance from the event that she feels better. I can understand why she doesn't want you to tell the coach or school, and why you want to stay true to her wishes. I am really sympathetic to your position, BUT I really think the coach should know about this and not just for your daughter's sake. There is something really rotten happening with her entire team. Posters keep citing the two ring leaders, but unfortunately it is a much bigger problem than this. The entire team was in on it, had to keep silent for weeks - that is pretty calculated and disturbing and someone (ideally the coach) needs to get to the bottom of it.

You don't need to go with the nuclear approach that some are suggesting of calling colleges or alerting the media. You don't even need to demand specific punishments. I think you said some on the varsity team knows about this. There is a chance that the captains will go to the coach, but I think a neutral, factual explanation from an adult is in order.

Wishing for the best for both of you.

I agree.

I would say something.

Ignoring stuff like this is how we end up with news reports of varsity soccer players ending up sodomized in the locker room as part of some "team initiation" gone wrong. It never starts with the broomstick. There are piles of small humiliations leading up to this kind of thing.

If these girls are this bad now, imagine them in a year or two.