WWYD? Struggling to help my devastated teen DD whose friends/teammates pranked her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't agree with quitting the team and leaving and do feel that a teen should be able to decide to some degree on how to handle this.

HOWEVER. many of these "snowake, helicopter" whatever comments are troubling. Most seem to suggest that the girl brought it on herself or that the other girls' behavior is just normal and the DD should suck it up.

I can only imagine that you have never been at the other end of gun.

When I was in 8th grade, the only way I survived a tortuous year long attack by my classmates was knowing my mom had my back. She didn't intervene much but knowing she would or could if I needed her to, and having her at home, is what got me through.

So yes. I think the suggestions to back channel colleges, the media, make a federal case are so extreme they should be dismissed.


But having mom, an ally and an adult help her through byhis somehow, is NOT helicoptering or creating a snowflake.

What those girls did is objectively wrong and objectively a big deal. Those downplaying it are maybe worse than the overreacters.

It isn't about bringing it on herself. However the idea that these girls have all been amazing friends and then the entire team just decided for absolutely no reason to be cruel and mean doesn't add up. Behavior exists in a context. It is very, very rare that people are so psychopathic that their actions are driven solely by a desire to cause pain and suffering, particularly to friends / family. Her mom has been an ally - being an ally doesn't mean you go nuclear. Mom has talked and listened to her daughter and they have made decisions together. Mom not marching into the school or blasting on social media doesn't mean mom isn't an ally. And one incident is very different from your year long attack. I haven't seen a single post that reflects your view that this is totally fine and normal. There are a number of posters who think that the daughter should have input into the action mom takes or doesn't' take as it is her life being impacted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe so many people are calling this bullying. This is why a lot of people don’t even take the term seriously anymore.

Look, kids do stupid sh*t. They do pranks. I’ve pranked people and I’ve been pranked. At their age they really don’t necessarily understand how a spur of the moment dreamed up joke-prank could be really hurtful but it’s not bullying. They aren’t thinking of the future feelings your daughter would feel. Teens don’t think ahead like that; it’s science. I mean come on. What are we teaching our kids? Every time they get hurt feelings let’s run to mommy who’s going to call everyone within a 20 mile radius?

You’re going to make her look stupid twice getting all these people involved. That is the honest to god truth. I agree with the posters that the best thing to do is laugh it off and rise above. I’ve been on teams were the other girls went I. My bag and did things with my underwear—like that’s humiliating for a preteen/teenage girl!! I didn’t cry to my mom and I sure as sh*t didn’t get the school involved. I laughed about it even though I was really embarrassed. I wasn’t excluded after that. I was still friends with the girls. I am still friends with them 20+ years later.

And the mom of the prankster chimes in.

+100 It definitely seems from the posts that at least one of the "pranksters" or her mother has found this thread and is trying to prevent repercussions for her (and the others') bad acts by attacking other posters thinking that this will prevent OP from contacting the coach and principal. The act OP describes rises well above prank and is definitely bullying. It needs to be reported and handled. If I were OP I would take the ferocity of the rebuttal comments into consideration because they certainly seem to point to a rising hostility level that needs to be quickly mitigated by the school.

Agree. OP, you need to tell the school and the coach and don’t let the bully parents on this thread convince you to do otherwise. If you don’t tell the school orb coach what happened, you are not doing your part as a member of the team. You are hiding and protecting a really overtly cruel action.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - whatever you do, do not engage anyone about this on social media. Not the other children and certainly not the star. Other people would see it, and find a way to humiliate your daughter once again. DO NOT ENGAGE on social media. Seriously.

I agree with this. Social media is forever. It’s much better to have zero footprint.

+1

+1

I am astonished at some of the PP/mothers' reactions to this. Of course it is bullying and of course OP should tell the coach.

Some of the other recommendations are absurd to the point of not taking OP (and certainly not those PPs) seriously, and it seems some of the PPs fail to see that. There is a fine line between being effective and being ridiculous. Of course it is bullying - the good news is that OP seems to have a good head on her shoulders, such that OP is able to handle the matter in a rational manner. Some of the other PPs are an absolute mess, and they are dragging their children into the same abyss.

What sane parent brings anything to social media or gets involved in an irreparable way with social media? My God. Actually, I have heard about similar stunts from other parents about what some parents resort to, and it is not good. I am hoping they are reading this, and might be more willing to consider their children's best interest, when a social issue involving their child arises. It is obvious when it is the parent who crosses the line. OP, you are a great example for your child.

Keep up the good work, OP. You are a great example that a parent can be both strong and wise, without overdoing it, to their child's detriment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe so many people are calling this bullying. This is why a lot of people don’t even take the term seriously anymore.

Look, kids do stupid sh*t. They do pranks. I’ve pranked people and I’ve been pranked. At their age they really don’t necessarily understand how a spur of the moment dreamed up joke-prank could be really hurtful but it’s not bullying. They aren’t thinking of the future feelings your daughter would feel. Teens don’t think ahead like that; it’s science. I mean come on. What are we teaching our kids? Every time they get hurt feelings let’s run to mommy who’s going to call everyone within a 20 mile radius?

You’re going to make her look stupid twice getting all these people involved. That is the honest to god truth. I agree with the posters that the best thing to do is laugh it off and rise above. I’ve been on teams were the other girls went I. My bag and did things with my underwear—like that’s humiliating for a preteen/teenage girl!! I didn’t cry to my mom and I sure as sh*t didn’t get the school involved. I laughed about it even though I was really embarrassed. I wasn’t excluded after that. I was still friends with the girls. I am still friends with them 20+ years later.

And the mom of the prankster chimes in.

+100 It definitely seems from the posts that at least one of the "pranksters" or her mother has found this thread and is trying to prevent repercussions for her (and the others') bad acts by attacking other posters thinking that this will prevent OP from contacting the coach and principal. The act OP describes rises well above prank and is definitely bullying. It needs to be reported and handled. If I were OP I would take the ferocity of the rebuttal comments into consideration because they certainly seem to point to a rising hostility level that needs to be quickly mitigated by the school.

Agree. OP, you need to tell the school and the coach and don’t let the bully parents on this thread convince you to do otherwise. If you don’t tell the school orb coach what happened, you are not doing your part as a member of the team. You are hiding and protecting a really overtly cruel action.

I don't know if there are bully parents on this thread? I know that almost everyone on this thread agrees that this incident amounts to bullying, and that something needs to be done, including going to the coach. It is the outrageous parents, with outrageous and irrational responses, that people are side-eyeing.

[Anonymous]

It wasn't one incident. I 100% guarantee these girls have been tormenting her and at the very least have been super passive-aggressive for years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't agree with quitting the team and leaving and do feel that a teen should be able to decide to some degree on how to handle this.

HOWEVER. many of these "snowake, helicopter" whatever comments are troubling. Most seem to suggest that the girl brought it on herself or that the other girls' behavior is just normal and the DD should suck it up.

I can only imagine that you have never been at the other end of gun.

When I was in 8th grade, the only way I survived a tortuous year long attack by my classmates was knowing my mom had my back. She didn't intervene much but knowing she would or could if I needed her to, and having her at home, is what got me through.

So yes. I think the suggestions to back channel colleges, the media, make a federal case are so extreme they should be dismissed.


But having mom, an ally and an adult help her through byhis somehow, is NOT helicoptering or creating a snowflake.

What those girls did is objectively wrong and objectively a big deal. Those downplaying it are maybe worse than the overreacters.

It isn't about bringing it on herself. However the idea that these girls have all been amazing friends and then the entire team just decided for absolutely no reason to be cruel and mean doesn't add up. Behavior exists in a context. It is very, very rare that people are so psychopathic that their actions are driven solely by a desire to cause pain and suffering, particularly to friends / family. Her mom has been an ally - being an ally doesn't mean you go nuclear. Mom has talked and listened to her daughter and they have made decisions together. Mom not marching into the school or blasting on social media doesn't mean mom isn't an ally. And one incident is very different from your year long attack. I haven't seen a single post that reflects your view that this is totally fine and normal. There are a number of posters who think that the daughter should have input into the action mom takes or doesn't' take as it is her life being impacted.

+1

Agree. The nuclear option always.....well, ends bad.

[Anonymous]

A note to the coach explaining that your daughter might be out of sorts and then explain why.

[Anonymous]

Ugh I so feel for your daughter here. I played on the middle school soccer team and one of the "stars" of the team was mean to me a lot (making fun of my glasses, poking me with safety pins on the bus to practice, etc.). I ended up quitting soccer after that season and doing swimming instead. To this day, I hate that I let a mean person discourage me from trying out for the team the next year. I'd really encourage my daughter to talk to the coach on her own, with me present if she wanted. I wouldn't talk to the coach on my own though.

It really sucks because I'm sure there are some genuinely nice girls on the team but most 14-15 year old girls simply are not confident enough to stand up for other people when it comes down to it.

[Anonymous]

It’s not clear that the bully’s parents knew about the prank. If my kid ever did something like this to another child, I hope someone would tell me about it. I would pull my kid off the team right away as a punishment for this behavior and there would be holy hell to pay at home. Are you sure that the bully’s parents know what happened?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree. The nuclear option always.....well, ends bad.

"Ends bad" for whom, PP? Your posts give the impression that you care mainly about the bully girls, whom you claim must have had good reason to do it.

If I were OP, I'd ignore your posts altogether.

[Anonymous]

I really think your daughter needs to tell the coach. Imagine there’s another girl on the team who recently had similar conversations with her mom about this prank that two mean girls were doing to someone else. The other mother thought the coach should be told but the girl begged her not to because she didn’t want to become a target. So mom agreed they wouldn’t say anything. If only they had, maybe the situation would have turned out differently for your daughter.

Next time these girls do something cruel to someone (and there will be a next time), they’ll be able to because everyone (including your daughter) stayed silent this time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really think your daughter needs to tell the coach. Imagine there’s another girl on the team who recently had similar conversations with her mom about this prank that two mean girls were doing to someone else. The other mother thought the coach should be told but the girl begged her not to because she didn’t want to become a target. So mom agreed they wouldn’t say anything. If only they had, maybe the situation would have turned out differently for your daughter.

Next time these girls do something cruel to someone (and there will be a next time), they’ll be able to because everyone (including your daughter) stayed silent this time.

Agree. The posts about media/lawyers are meant to distract you and convince you not to tell the coach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree. The nuclear option always.....well, ends bad.

"Ends bad" for whom, PP? Your posts give the impression that you care mainly about the bully girls, whom you claim must have had good reason to do it.

If I were OP, I'd ignore your posts altogether.

For the bullied person, obviously. My God, you are just looking for a fight. You are such a bully! Just stop.

If I were OP, I would pay special attention to your posts, so OP can see for herself how bullies think. Wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really think your daughter needs to tell the coach. Imagine there’s another girl on the team who recently had similar conversations with her mom about this prank that two mean girls were doing to someone else. The other mother thought the coach should be told but the girl begged her not to because she didn’t want to become a target. So mom agreed they wouldn’t say anything. If only they had, maybe the situation would have turned out differently for your daughter.

Next time these girls do something cruel to someone (and there will be a next time), they’ll be able to because everyone (including your daughter) stayed silent this time.

Agree. The posts about media/lawyers are meant to distract you and convince you not to tell the coach.

+1

Those PPs are bad news. I would ignore. OP seems wise enough to know who is sane, and who is not. Parents posting on social media - gives new meaning to crazy. What other levels would a parent like that stoop to? OP, the school administration is not stupid, thankfully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe so many people are calling this bullying. This is why a lot of people don’t even take the term seriously anymore.

Look, kids do stupid sh*t. They do pranks. I’ve pranked people and I’ve been pranked. At their age they really don’t necessarily understand how a spur of the moment dreamed up joke-prank could be really hurtful but it’s not bullying. They aren’t thinking of the future feelings your daughter would feel. Teens don’t think ahead like that; it’s science. I mean come on. What are we teaching our kids? Every time they get hurt feelings let’s run to mommy who’s going to call everyone within a 20 mile radius?

You’re going to make her look stupid twice getting all these people involved. That is the honest to god truth. I agree with the posters that the best thing to do is laugh it off and rise above. I’ve been on teams were the other girls went I. My bag and did things with my underwear—like that’s humiliating for a preteen/teenage girl!! I didn’t cry to my mom and I sure as sh*t didn’t get the school involved. I laughed about it even though I was really embarrassed. I wasn’t excluded after that. I was still friends with the girls. I am still friends with them 20+ years later.

And the mom of the prankster chimes in.

+100 It definitely seems from the posts that at least one of the "pranksters" or her mother has found this thread and is trying to prevent repercussions for her (and the others') bad acts by attacking other posters thinking that this will prevent OP from contacting the coach and principal. The act OP describes rises well above prank and is definitely bullying. It needs to be reported and handled. If I were OP I would take the ferocity of the rebuttal comments into consideration because they certainly seem to point to a rising hostility level that needs to be quickly mitigated by the school.

Agree. OP, you need to tell the school and the coach and don’t let the bully parents on this thread convince you to do otherwise. If you don’t tell the school orb coach what happened, you are not doing your part as a member of the team. You are hiding and protecting a really overtly cruel action.

I don't know if there are bully parents on this thread? I know that almost everyone on this thread agrees that this incident amounts to bullying, and that something needs to be done, including going to the coach. It is the outrageous parents, with outrageous and irrational responses, that people are side-eyeing.

I don't think it was bullying but it was extremely cruel. Everyone terms everything bullying now when it was just plain mean girl. And those who say parents should stay out of it and not monitor, then stop complaining or being upset these things happen. Parenting doesn't stop when kids are teens. That is when they need you more, not less.