Starting to Think My DW is Unemployable

[Anonymous]

So here is the very difficult situation. Five years we moved back to the DC area after living in Asia for four years. We had been ther for my job, and then I relocated to DC. We bought a house and got settled in, and then my DW started looking for work. She has not been able to find a job in five years. She has two degrees - a B.A. In Journalism and an M.A. in International Relations from an Ivy League School. She has worked in the past as a communications professional on international health projects and for foreign companies abroad. She is also multi-lingual.

She takes her frustration out on me in what any outside observer would term verbal abuse. I have withdrawn from trying assist her to find a job because each time a lead goes dead or something goes wrong, it is "my fault." I understand it is hard for her, so I sometimes bite my tongue and say nothing and other times tell her I don't appreciate how she is talking to me which usually just elicits a "f**k you." I have suggested counseling for us and perhaps that she work with a career coach, both of which she shots down.

I do question whether she really wants to work because I see her do things that I think are self sabotaging. For instance, she will seemingly do anything else around the house - cleaning, rearranging her shoe collection, etc. - the go to the gym and run errands (all after DD has left for school) and then when DD comes home she will start to say she hasn't had time all day to focus on her job search. I also see her applying for positions for which she is obviously not qualified and then getting rejected. I feel bad for her, but do not know how and whether I can help.

I am afraid if she continues on this path, we will end up divorced. I never did plan to be the sole breadwinner and college is looming for DD. I work very long hours and take on extra assignments to bring in more income, but I am basically feeling a lot of financial pressure. I am afraid if we get divorced I will saddled with paying alimony to someone who has both the education and the means to work, but either can't or won't. Any advice is appreciated.

[Anonymous]

I sympathize but getting divorced wont improve things financially. Maybe it is time to recalibrate for a new normal. 5 years is a long time. Is there anything she can do to make money? Part time retail? Crafting? eBay? Freelance writing? Maybe she can do a bit of work she enjoys?

[Anonymous]

Two observations: (1) being in Asia for four years for your job seems like a death blow to her career, esp. in this economy. Her anger at you for that fact (or circumstance) appears to be coming out in her verbal abuse. Yes, I think you need to counseling for that. But you need to own up to the fact that you have, indeed, played a role in the death of her career.

(2) She can't possibly run around 24/7 working on her job search. Some days are reasonably going to be spent on other things, including organizing her shoes, cleaning, reading novels, and really doing whatever the hell she pleases. You're not her father and you're not the unemployment police. Time to get off her back.

[Anonymous]

If she's not working and she wants to be working, that is the worst. I feel for her.

Could she get an internship or volunteer job in her field to organize her time and help her network and position for paid work?

I hope she gets a toehold to jumpstart things and make up for the time she was overseas for your job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two observations: (1) being in Asia for four years for your job seems like a death blow to her career, esp. in this economy. Her anger at you for that fact (or circumstance) appears to be coming out in her verbal abuse. Yes, I think you need to counseling for that. But you need to own up to the fact that you have, indeed, played a role in the death of her career.

(2) She can't possibly run around 24/7 working on her job search. Some days are reasonably going to be spent on other things, including organizing her shoes, cleaning, reading novels, and really doing whatever the hell she pleases. You're not her father and you're not the unemployment police. Time to get off her back.

I agree with this. I work in a comparable field and there are not a lot of positions available. DC is incredibly competitive and employers are likely looking to hire people who haven't taken several years off to move to Asia, and who have been in the field all along. It sounds like your wife hasn't come to terms with the fact that that is lost time, and she has to start again at the bottom.

I get where you're coming from, but from her perspective, it has to seem like you initiated this move to Asia, you won't acknowledge the problems that it has created for her career, and now you're badgering her to get a job.

[Anonymous]

She's probably self-sabbotaging b/c she's frustrated by the job search and another reason she's taking it out on you.

I would consider for the two of you going to a counselor so you can talk about your issues to a neutral party.

It would be great if she could find a job counselor to help her revive her resume, networking tactics, and bolster her confidence. (I don't think this is the "death nell.")

You could try here:
http://www.thewomenscenter.org/content.asp?contentid=451

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two observations: (1) being in Asia for four years for your job seems like a death blow to her career, esp. in this economy. Her anger at you for that fact (or circumstance) appears to be coming out in her verbal abuse. Yes, I think you need to counseling for that. But you need to own up to the fact that you have, indeed, played a role in the death of her career.

(2) She can't possibly run around 24/7 working on her job search. Some days are reasonably going to be spent on other things, including organizing her shoes, cleaning, reading novels, and really doing whatever the hell she pleases. You're not her father and you're not the unemployment police. Time to get off her back.

+1

I often refer to myself as unemployable. It is only partly a joke. We were overseas for years for DH's job and I became the trailing spouse. When the whirlwind started, we had a very frank conversation that I might never have a "good" job again. He makes 5x my peak, so it isn't about the money, but sometimes I really struggle with the the different path my life has taken. Being back in DC makes me feel like an unaccomplished POS sometimes, whereas in an expat community, a lot of people have the same story.

I've thrown myself into volunteer work. It isn't even about getting a toehold, it is about feeling productive and getting out with other people. I highly recommend it. It might never turn into a job, but orgs need good volunteers who had a professional life once upon a time.

But if she gave up her job to be a trailing spouse, OP definitely played a role and that frustration is likely coming out. You need to get on the same team.

[Anonymous]

Five years is a long time to be out. Her Ivy education can both help and hinder. Employers know that she has expectations that they perhaps will not be able to meet, and thus go on to the next, younger and less qualified candidate. It is a tough position to be in. My Ivy brother went through this and now makes 1/10th of what he made in his former position.

[Anonymous]

Those degrees (without recent work experience) don't really mean a whole lot in dc. There are plenty of entry level admin and communications jobs here, but she would be starting at the bottom and competing with 25 year olds. I can understand her frustration, but she needs to figure it out. Additional education is not always the answer, but maybe it would be a good idea here.

[Anonymous]

If I were you I would 1) go to individual counseling 2) talk to a divorce lawyer.

Reason for #1: Your post has "she" this and "she" that as if you are going to fix her. This is a very common view point of a married couple that has never had counseling. Sure she says "f-you" (which is not okay) because (whether you know it or not) you are frustrating her more than she already is frustrated. YOU ARE NOT GOING TO FIX IT (HER). She needs to do this on her own.

Also, individual counseling will let you understand your wants vs. your needs. You will be able to determine if this current life or whatever this current life leads to is something you can live with or not.

It is okay in a realationship to say there are non-negotiables. Is this a non-negotiable? I don't think you know yet.

If you refuse to do #1 how about just laying off the subject for 3 months and see how it goes.

Reason for #2: If #1 does not get you to a good place you need to understand divorce. A divorce lawyer actually talked me out of divorce. You need to understand assets, alimony and custody. You can not determine what is a non-negotiable until you are ready to determine what you are willing to do about that non-negotiable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two observations: (1) being in Asia for four years for your job seems like a death blow to her career, esp. in this economy. Her anger at you for that fact (or circumstance) appears to be coming out in her verbal abuse. Yes, I think you need to counseling for that. But you need to own up to the fact that you have, indeed, played a role in the death of her career.

(2) She can't possibly run around 24/7 working on her job search. Some days are reasonably going to be spent on other things, including organizing her shoes, cleaning, reading novels, and really doing whatever the hell she pleases. You're not her father and you're not the unemployment police. Time to get off her back.

I took the position in Asia st her urging snd encouragement. I was perfectly happy to stay where I was previously. As to point number 2, I do not even involve myself at all in her job search. I don't ride her ass about it, but I don't think I need to bite my tongue as I do ehrn she comes back from a failed interview or whatever and dumps everything - all of the blame on me - when I see her doing things that actually sabotage her career prospects. I don't need to go into the details, but let's just say she got herself entangled with the criminal justice system through her own actions, and this record has come up in her employment search and led employers to look askance at her. I may have contributed to the "death of her career" as a PP put it, but she most probably killed it and that is her fault.

[Anonymous]

Couples therapy right now. It sounds like you are both feeling a lot of anger towards each other. You both need to decide whether you can get back to a good place or if it's over. Hopefully therapy could help you accept her, and help her take your good advice about career counseling, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two observations: (1) being in Asia for four years for your job seems like a death blow to her career, esp. in this economy. Her anger at you for that fact (or circumstance) appears to be coming out in her verbal abuse. Yes, I think you need to counseling for that. But you need to own up to the fact that you have, indeed, played a role in the death of her career.

(2) She can't possibly run around 24/7 working on her job search. Some days are reasonably going to be spent on other things, including organizing her shoes, cleaning, reading novels, and really doing whatever the hell she pleases. You're not her father and you're not the unemployment police. Time to get off her back.

I took the position in Asia st her urging snd encouragement. I was perfectly happy to stay where I was previously. As to point number 2, I do not even involve myself at all in her job search. I don't ride her ass about it, but I don't think I need to bite my tongue as I do ehrn she comes back from a failed interview or whatever and dumps everything - all of the blame on me - when I see her doing things that actually sabotage her career prospects. I don't need to go into the details, but let's just say she got herself entangled with the criminal justice system through her own actions, and this record has come up in her employment search and led employers to look askance at her. I may have contributed to the "death of her career" as a PP put it, but she most probably killed it and that is her fault.

I echo everything the other pps have to add here, but I would add that there is a lot going on here you didn't tell us about and you also appear to resent your wife... a lot. If you want to make this work, get counseling and completely keep your mouth shut about her work issues. Don't "help," don't say anything if she self-sabotages, etc. The only time you should mention it is if you personally find her a job/internship. I have been through this op and that was the working strategy. You seem to want us to say "oh, she's abusing you, divorce her." If that's what you want to do, go ahead. It certainly won't make things easier for you. You don't need the permission of strangers on the internet to get a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two observations: (1) being in Asia for four years for your job seems like a death blow to her career, esp. in this economy. Her anger at you for that fact (or circumstance) appears to be coming out in her verbal abuse. Yes, I think you need to counseling for that. But you need to own up to the fact that you have, indeed, played a role in the death of her career.

(2) She can't possibly run around 24/7 working on her job search. Some days are reasonably going to be spent on other things, including organizing her shoes, cleaning, reading novels, and really doing whatever the hell she pleases. You're not her father and you're not the unemployment police. Time to get off her back.

I took the position in Asia st her urging snd encouragement. I was perfectly happy to stay where I was previously. As to point number 2, I do not even involve myself at all in her job search. I don't ride her ass about it, but I don't think I need to bite my tongue as I do ehrn she comes back from a failed interview or whatever and dumps everything - all of the blame on me - when I see her doing things that actually sabotage her career prospects. I don't need to go into the details, but let's just say she got herself entangled with the criminal justice system through her own actions, and this record has come up in her employment search and led employers to look askance at her. I may have contributed to the "death of her career" as a PP put it, but she most probably killed it and that is her fault.

She sounds unhappy, so do you. Job search is just one cause and excuse.

Nobody can fix anybody else. She is an adult, so leave her alone for now. Give yourself sometime to find out what you want, what you can live with first. Somebody needs to break up the sad loop.

[Anonymous]

8:13 again

You may have taken the position in Asia at her urging and encouragement, but you both went to Asia. It was a family decision, and the consequences fall on you both. You need to accept responsibility. You sound like you've given up on her and on the idea of you as a team.

If she has a criminal record, it's not going to be possible for her to get work. Not possible. No. It's simply not realistic for her to continue job seeking in Washington D.C., where almost every job will involve a background check/clearance. I don't know why this information was not put up front. This is absolutely unrealistic.