Starting to Think My DW is Unemployable

[Anonymous]

I've known people in those fields and it seems like there's a glut of talent, especially in cities like DC, NY and Boston. What she specializes in isn't exactly unique on the east coast. Journalism majors are a dime a dozen. I know some very talented writers who can't find real work to save their lives. And if she's 35+ she's up against a lot of younger, cheaper labor. It's her versus a load of recent college grads as well as students willing to intern for peanuts. Maybe she feels like she's peaked out in her field already. Maybe she needs to start small and fresh and work part time at something completely brand new-- use her multi-lingual skills and become a translator, for example? She could have gotten complacent staying home to care for a child and deep down enjoyed that a lot more than going to work. Not everyone loves going to an office and will take any opportunity to get out of it.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why everyone is being so hard on OP.

Yes, it is a tough market, but if she has many years of experience and good qualifications then it isn't that tough.

My wife moved abroad with me for my job, and found herself a job without too much trouble. Then we moved back here, again for my job, and while it was a little trickier she did eventually find a good job. We are talking months, not years.

I am sorry, but if you cannot find a job in 5 years there is something very wrong with you.

[Anonymous]

You said she has language skills. She should be able to use these to parlay them into something. It might not be in her old field, but maybe she could take a few courses to get ESL certified or to tutor people trying to learn English. DC has a lot of need for people with language skills. I understand some of her frustration because I have taken a step back on a number of occasions to further my husband's much better paying job. I have always been able to secure some kind of work by being creative and taking small opportunities, even when they are "beneath" my experience and education to get back into the work force. It is a little frustrating because I know that I would be farther along if I hadn't taken time out or moved around so much but these jobs have always led to networks that I can use to trade up fairly quickly. I have never had any luck just trying to go straight into a job at the level I probably deserve and can clearly handle. This is one of the consequences of a gap on your resume.

That being said, I do not think you are out-of-line at this point in considering a divorce. There are more problems in your marriage than just this job issue. It sounds like you should start with counseling, both personal and couples, and get to the bottom of the verbal abuse, whatever caused the criminal behavior, why your wife can't find some sort of job after five years, etc. If you can't resolve your problems, divorce may be the answer for both of you. Your wife may actually feel better after a divorce because, right now, she is stuck in a paradigm in which she doesn't have to make a decision about the future. This can be paralyzing. On her own, she will be forced to (but also be able to) make her own way in the world and feel like she has some control over what happens to her. You will probably have to pay alimony, but alimony is rarely forever. It is usually for a fixed period of time and your child is old enough that your child support will soon go directly to your college-age child instead of through your wife, so you will be able to know that your child's needs are taken care of. Five years from now, you may all be happier and more independent than you are right now. The intervening time will be a little rough, but think about the long-term and what will ultimately be the best for everyone involved.

[Anonymous]

I am baffled by everyones anger towards OP. ITS BEEN FIVE YEARS. DW has two degrees, experience, and it multi-lingual. AND ITS BEEN FIVE YEARS. He has every right to be frustrated.

[Anonymous]

OP, did you see the story not that long ago that said once you hit that 6 month mark, you're likely dead in the water in this market. There's a market for people unemployed 6 months and less, and then almost a whole different market for those unemployed 6 months and longer. Once she hit that six month mark, it was going to be huge uphill battle. And it has.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP seems to be painting himself like an angel, while DW is a leeching bitch. The way you talk about her, I find it very hard to believe you are just the sweetest guy when she is "yelling and curing at the top of her lungs". Your disdain also wreaks of unsupportive as far as the career goes.

Oh by the way, of course she encouraged you to go for the position! She is your wife idiot! She wanted what was best for you, even if it would have been hard. But now you want her to hurry and find a job so you can divorce her haha wow.

Why yes, sometimes women respond inappropriately to life changes/challenges.

As for OP getting taken to the cleaners? Hardly. DW has multiple Ivy League degrees and has worked in the past. Alimony would be temporary at best, and voluntary impoverishment might be at hand here. There'd be a split of assets, of course. But you know what? Sometimes it's worth it to be rid of a huge negative influence.

OP, if you're in VA check if your wife is having an affair. If you can prove adultery, no alimony.

[Anonymous]

I didn't have time to read through the whole thread, but suggest to her that she volunteer with an org like Taproot. She could get back in the swing of a real project and network at the same time.

[Anonymous]

Op - most of DCUM hates men and will twist every post to try and hate on the man. Don't take it personally - it is feminism gone wrong and not about you.

You shouldn't have to tolerate abuse in any form. Abuse against men is just as bad as abuse against woman. She is responsible for her own actions and her lack of action in getting a job and her lack of motivation. Not you.

Definitely get into individual counseling. You may have settled into the mindset of an abused spouse and it can be hard to sort out what is what. Getting into couples counseling with an abusive spouse isn't a good idea until you know where you stand yourself.

Al the best OP and don't take the negativity on here against you personally. It isn't about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you sound like a piece of work. Be prepared for her to take you to the cleaners in the divorce. Bottom line. You took a job that advanced your career and tanked hers. Whether she was on board or not is irrelevant. You advanced and she did not. We are in a freaking economic crisis in this country. Thank your lucky stars you are not in her shoes, with a sacrificed career, no prospects, and a shitty spouse who wants you to get a job so he doesn't have to pay up when he walks out the door in a divorce.

Are you a woman? Because I am and I think this response is utterly ridiculous in every way. Sounds to me like they made the decision to move to Asia together, and that she was employed. Her inability to get a job now is not her husband's fault. She has a criminal record and I assume that OP didn't force her to break the law. Maybe he's not approaching the situation with the best attitude, but I fail to see how she could "take him to the cleaners" in a divorce, unless they get a judge for the process who is a completely illogical lunatic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op - most of DCUM hates men and will twist every post to try and hate on the man. Don't take it personally - it is feminism gone wrong and not about you.

You shouldn't have to tolerate abuse in any form. Abuse against men is just as bad as abuse against woman. She is responsible for her own actions and her lack of action in getting a job and her lack of motivation. Not you.

Definitely get into individual counseling. You may have settled into the mindset of an abused spouse and it can be hard to sort out what is what. Getting into couples counseling with an abusive spouse isn't a good idea until you know where you stand yourself.

Al the best OP and don't take the negativity on here against you personally. It isn't about you.

I agree with most of what you said, but he HAS to take some responsibility for making her unemployed to begin with. That's just the way it is. In Asia she had a job. Here she doesn't. They moved for his job. A+B=C in this case. In this job market, becoming unemployed is a huge risk. They're finding out why.

[Anonymous]

"As to her entanglement with the criminal justice system, she was charged with two class 3 misdemeanors - criminal trespass and resisting arrest. She plead no contest to the first and did community service and the record is supposed to be expunged. However, I do think she needs to formally request the expungement. "

In some cases, this will still need to disclosed.

[Anonymous]

Take him to the cleaners = 1/2 of retirement, 1/2 of home and bank accounts, most likely spousal support for a period of time deemed necessary to become financially independent (i.e., get a job) and I have had friends get many years under circumstances less compelling than this one. It sounds to me like OP benefited professionally and financially from the move and his wife is now professionally disadvantaged. Who is the asshole?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"As to her entanglement with the criminal justice system, she was charged with two class 3 misdemeanors - criminal trespass and resisting arrest. She plead no contest to the first and did community service and the record is supposed to be expunged. However, I do think she needs to formally request the expungement. "

In some cases, this will still need to disclosed.

It's on the Net.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take him to the cleaners = 1/2 of retirement, 1/2 of home and bank accounts, most likely spousal support for a period of time deemed necessary to become financially independent (i.e., get a job) and I have had friends get many years under circumstances less compelling than this one. It sounds to me like OP benefited professionally and financially from the move and his wife is now professionally disadvantaged. Who is the asshole?

The one with the criminal record.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get pissy and angry with her about her job search, but I am angry when she screams, yells and curses me at the top of her lungs and treats me in away no loving spouse should. Her verbal abuse is not justified by her job search frustration and is sucking whatever compassion I may have had out of me.

See, you've changed the focus from your wife's unemployed status to now you're pissed at the way she treats you. So which is it? Not trying to be a jerk here, but people have tried to address issues regarding job stuff and she has a right to be mad, etc, you change it to "I don't like how she treats me." Look at the title of your post and then see where you've gone with it. If you're this cagey in real life, I can see where her frustration is coming from (recognizing that this is an internet forum and might not be at all how you are in real life.)

Oh, STFU. The OP clearly states (in his OP) that his wife is verbally abusive.