Starting to Think My DW is Unemployable

[Anonymous]

OP, I have a dear friend in your wife's situation (really, I thought you were her DH, except for the arrest info!)

She is multilingual, has multiple master's degrees, etc. but ever since she and her DH came back from a few years working abroad, she just hasn't found her way back to employment. She's tried like 5 different new careers.

She is so different now: depressed, down in herself, discouraged. She comes from an Asian family where success is expected, and these years drifting have done a number on her. Her DH is doing great at work, meanwhile. And where she used to be loving to him, so affectionate, she is now snapping, cruel, sarcastic, and bitter toward him. It's uncomfortable to be around them, actually.

She's working a retail job now, just to get out of the house, finally. It's way beneath her international skills and degrees.

For now, friend, I just root for your marriage and hope you can convince her to go to counseling. If you're who I'm guessing, I know she still loves you. She just doesn't love herself now.

[Anonymous]

OP here. No, I am not the person you are thinking of, but you need to tell your dear friend that being "snapping, cruel, sarcastic and bitter" is not the way to show your DH that you "still love" him.

More to,the background of my story. We have, with few exceptions, always lived overseas - Eastern Europe and the former Soviet states, Africa and Asia. We actually met overseas. When we first came to the U.S. - to DC - in 2001, I supported my DW through grad school. She did an internship at the UNDP, which I helped her to get, and in 2003 we moved to Africa, where she worked for USAID. I too, at the time, worked for USAID in a fairly plum position. However, because DW was not happy with the option of living and working only in the developing world, I switched careers to international business and we moved to Asia.

Within two weeks of arriving to the Asisn job, she tells me she has a job offer in DC and that I need to quit. I said that I did not switch careers, burn my bridges at USAID and move the whole family across continents to turn around on a dime and go bsck to DC. I told her if she thought the job was that important, she could go but I would stay. In counseling, she painted this as I forced her to stay. When our counselor told her that she made the decision to stay and that she needed to ken that decision, she walked out.

Fast forward to 2010. We are living in NoVa while I commute to Baltimore 4 days a week and work from home one. I also do all the shuttling around for DD, volunteer for the GS, Little League, etc. DW tells me one Sunday that she is going to the gym. She disappears for hours. At one point during the day, two police officers come to the door saying that they received a report that a child - my DD - is home alone. I think this odd, as I have been with her all day. When DW comes home, I relay this to her at which point she tells me she was arrested snd they came b/c they told her DD was home alone. Of course, I was pissed and I told her calmly she needed to get a lawyer, but that I was not going to pay for it.

I've never gotten the whole story of what happened from her, and I have my suspicions that she may have been having an affair that led to this.

Regarding her employment issues, I initially wrote here b/c I really do want her to be happy and to be able to help. But maybe I just need to let it all go.

She is turning DD against me - tells her I don't love her, won't really ever take care of her, etc.

I am sorry if I feel no compassion. It has been sucked out of me.

[Anonymous]

OK holy crap, not what was presented at all in your original post. Get out now.

[Anonymous]

If yes, then why do I have to support her?

[Anonymous]

OP,

You should meet with a divorce attorney. The recent post suggests a much more complicated picture than a wife who can't find a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,

You should meet with a divorce attorney. The recent post suggests a much more complicated picture than a wife who can't find a job.

Exactly. You presented this minute little tiny issue in your marriage. Not what's there. Good god man, you have a problem.

[Anonymous]

OP, gosh, I am right there with you. I am in the same boat, except it is my DH. He already had anger problems and verbal/emotional abuse problems before being unemployed. They started about 5-6 years ago. Not sure exactly why, except for a lot of stressors in our lives, and he must have been prone to it and that is what brought it out. The nasty, sarcastic, demeaning, snide remarks and attitude are just too much (not to mention yelling/getting mad over any little benign thing). Anyway, it got worse since he has been unemployed for 10 months now. We've been trying to work on it some, and have made some baby steps, then backsliding, etc. Unemployment is about to run out for him, and we can't live on what I make. So we are really stressed. I think he feels soooo bad about himself, he is completely miserable - and I am the scapegoat he takes it out on. I try to be supportive and not make him feel bad or like it is his fault. I do also notice some sabotaging behaviors though. I tend to say nothing about those, or just very gently try to help. That usually sets him off since he is super sensitive about anything like that (even reading meanings into something I say and losing it).

Today was the kicker. He was already mad about something, I did not realize how mad (he said he was okay and I believed him). I said that we needed to try to get back into our reflective listening that we learned from the counselor, because we both have been ignoring that. I said I need it because I am starting to believe the mean things he says, but when we communicate better, I understand better, we do better, and the counselor had said it is a necessity for us. I referred to the sign on he frig that we have there to remind us to do reflective listening (from a while ago). He yelled "Oh yeah? Well you can go wipe your ass with that piece of paper." That is just an example of the many mean things I heard today. Then I get irate and lose it and scream, and he points fingers at me saying "you're out of control!" Really? While I take full responsibility for my anger even when provoked, he acts like he can't figure out why I am all of a sudden so upset!

Sorry to go off on our deal. I just know what you are saying. Hope that helps. I just keep thinking that if he just got a job this would get better, or I could see how he is at that point. Does she like anything other than her career? Maybe she could start a petsitting/dogwalking business, if she likes animals. Just something to earn some money, and build some self confidence back, and get her mind off the whole thing. I often think if my DH could just work at something for a bit that he likes and would give him the reassurance that he CAN get a job, that would help. Try to hang in there.

[Anonymous]

This story is nuts. OP sounds nuts. His wife sounds nuts.

DIVORCE time.

[Anonymous]

And you'll have to pay child support and rehabilitative alimony for a few years. She'll make a good case that she gave up her career to move to Asia to further your career. The burden of proof is on you. She'll also highlight the fact that you didn't let her pursue that job.

By dumping her, you won't get rid of the financial responsibilities to your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. No, I am not the person you are thinking of, but you need to tell your dear friend that being "snapping, cruel, sarcastic and bitter" is not the way to show your DH that you "still love" him.

More to,the background of my story. We have, with few exceptions, always lived overseas - Eastern Europe and the former Soviet states, Africa and Asia. We actually met overseas. When we first came to the U.S. - to DC - in 2001, I supported my DW through grad school. She did an internship at the UNDP, which I helped her to get, and in 2003 we moved to Africa, where she worked for USAID. I too, at the time, worked for USAID in a fairly plum position. However, because DW was not happy with the option of living and working only in the developing world, I switched careers to international business and we moved to Asia.

Within two weeks of arriving to the Asisn job, she tells me she has a job offer in DC and that I need to quit. I said that I did not switch careers, burn my bridges at USAID and move the whole family across continents to turn around on a dime and go bsck to DC. I told her if she thought the job was that important, she could go but I would stay. In counseling, she painted this as I forced her to stay. When our counselor told her that she made the decision to stay and that she needed to ken that decision, she walked out.

Fast forward to 2010. We are living in NoVa while I commute to Baltimore 4 days a week and work from home one. I also do all the shuttling around for DD, volunteer for the GS, Little League, etc. DW tells me one Sunday that she is going to the gym. She disappears for hours. At one point during the day, two police officers come to the door saying that they received a report that a child - my DD - is home alone. I think this odd, as I have been with her all day. When DW comes home, I relay this to her at which point she tells me she was arrested snd they came b/c they told her DD was home alone. Of course, I was pissed and I told her calmly she needed to get a lawyer, but that I was not going to pay for it.

I've never gotten the whole story of what happened from her, and I have my suspicions that she may have been having an affair that led to this.

Regarding her employment issues, I initially wrote here b/c I really do want her to be happy and to be able to help. But maybe I just need to let it all go.

She is turning DD against me - tells her I don't love her, won't really ever take care of her, etc.

I am sorry if I feel no compassion. It has been sucked out of me.

You both sound CRAZY.

[Anonymous]

+1 @00:20- looks like a consensus is developing op!

[Anonymous]

He is not crazy. His DW is. He just needs to get out!

[Anonymous]

Yeah, and women caught in abusive relationships are crazy too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"As to her entanglement with the criminal justice system, she was charged with two class 3 misdemeanors - criminal trespass and resisting arrest. She plead no contest to the first and did community service and the record is supposed to be expunged. However, I do think she needs to formally request the expungement. "

In some cases, this will still need to disclosed.

OP looks like you made a bad choice of wife if you expected her to work and make a lot of money. She sounds like she has significant mental troubles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. No, I am not the person you are thinking of, but you need to tell your dear friend that being "snapping, cruel, sarcastic and bitter" is not the way to show your DH that you "still love" him.

More to,the background of my story. We have, with few exceptions, always lived overseas - Eastern Europe and the former Soviet states, Africa and Asia. We actually met overseas. When we first came to the U.S. - to DC - in 2001, I supported my DW through grad school. She did an internship at the UNDP, which I helped her to get, and in 2003 we moved to Africa, where she worked for USAID. I too, at the time, worked for USAID in a fairly plum position. However, because DW was not happy with the option of living and working only in the developing world, I switched careers to international business and we moved to Asia.

Within two weeks of arriving to the Asisn job, she tells me she has a job offer in DC and that I need to quit. I said that I did not switch careers, burn my bridges at USAID and move the whole family across continents to turn around on a dime and go bsck to DC. I told her if she thought the job was that important, she could go but I would stay. In counseling, she painted this as I forced her to stay. When our counselor told her that she made the decision to stay and that she needed to ken that decision, she walked out.

Fast forward to 2010. We are living in NoVa while I commute to Baltimore 4 days a week and work from home one. I also do all the shuttling around for DD, volunteer for the GS, Little League, etc. DW tells me one Sunday that she is going to the gym. She disappears for hours. At one point during the day, two police officers come to the door saying that they received a report that a child - my DD - is home alone. I think this odd, as I have been with her all day. When DW comes home, I relay this to her at which point she tells me she was arrested snd they came b/c they told her DD was home alone. Of course, I was pissed and I told her calmly she needed to get a lawyer, but that I was not going to pay for it.

I've never gotten the whole story of what happened from her, and I have my suspicions that she may have been having an affair that led to this.

Regarding her employment issues, I initially wrote here b/c I really do want her to be happy and to be able to help. But maybe I just need to let it all go.

She is turning DD against me - tells her I don't love her, won't really ever take care of her, etc.

I am sorry if I feel no compassion. It has been sucked out of me.

OP, no DH, if you have something to say to me, say it to my face, not on an anon board!