Why don't people leave their spouse instead of having affairs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cheated, caught an STD, may end up divorced now anyway. In retrospect, I should have put 100% into the marriage and then left. I totally understand the state of mind of complete sexual starvation, and I put in a lot of effort to get things rolling for years, and years. But now, in hindsight, with everything unraveling, it would have been better to have the cataclysmic conversation of we need to fix this or else its over than to be where we both are now.

Yep. It should have been the tough but clear discussion and then make a plan for the next steps. If you put in effort without understanding why from her side, it isn’t real effort from her perspective.

Good lesson. Do you have kids?

Yes kids. We parent fine, we were living as roommates anyway having sex 1x a month or so. That's probably gone, which I don't care but obviously the destruction to my kids lives is the concern. I disclosed, because she deserves to know before I potentially infect her

.

You must be a troll. Which std?

Wow, really why would you think I am a troll? It's one that isn't curable

There are two. One much more serious than the other. I can't imagine that you would expose someone to that. The other one, herpes, is greatly reduced if you are on valtrex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cheated, caught an STD, may end up divorced now anyway. In retrospect, I should have put 100% into the marriage and then left. I totally understand the state of mind of complete sexual starvation, and I put in a lot of effort to get things rolling for years, and years. But now, in hindsight, with everything unraveling, it would have been better to have the cataclysmic conversation of we need to fix this or else its over than to be where we both are now.

Why the change of view? Do you have more empathy for your wife and how she feels right now or is it more about you feeling bad?
I guess from my perspective, affair is not fair to the wife and men here argue that point. Wondering about your perspective on that point during the affair and after discovery.

[Anonymous]

Why are we assuming this is a guy who cheated on his wife?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cheated, caught an STD, may end up divorced now anyway. In retrospect, I should have put 100% into the marriage and then left. I totally understand the state of mind of complete sexual starvation, and I put in a lot of effort to get things rolling for years, and years. But now, in hindsight, with everything unraveling, it would have been better to have the cataclysmic conversation of we need to fix this or else its over than to be where we both are now.

Why the change of view? Do you have more empathy for your wife and how she feels right now or is it more about you feeling bad?
I guess from my perspective, affair is not fair to the wife and men here argue that point. Wondering about your perspective on that point during the affair and after discovery.

A sexless wife though is not deserving of any empathy when her husband (of course!) finds sex elsewhere. This is 100% fair treatment and honestly there are literally no other options. Surely you cannot argue that a sexless wife deserves fidelity.... that is cray cray.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cheated, caught an STD, may end up divorced now anyway. In retrospect, I should have put 100% into the marriage and then left. I totally understand the state of mind of complete sexual starvation, and I put in a lot of effort to get things rolling for years, and years. But now, in hindsight, with everything unraveling, it would have been better to have the cataclysmic conversation of we need to fix this or else its over than to be where we both are now.

Why the change of view? Do you have more empathy for your wife and how she feels right now or is it more about you feeling bad?
I guess from my perspective, affair is not fair to the wife and men here argue that point. Wondering about your perspective on that point during the affair and after discovery.

A sexless wife though is not deserving of any empathy when her husband (of course!) finds sex elsewhere. This is 100% fair treatment and honestly there are literally no other options. Surely you cannot argue that a sexless wife deserves fidelity.... that is cray cray.

Sex jail is horrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cheated, caught an STD, may end up divorced now anyway. In retrospect, I should have put 100% into the marriage and then left. I totally understand the state of mind of complete sexual starvation, and I put in a lot of effort to get things rolling for years, and years. But now, in hindsight, with everything unraveling, it would have been better to have the cataclysmic conversation of we need to fix this or else its over than to be where we both are now.

Yep. It should have been the tough but clear discussion and then make a plan for the next steps. If you put in effort without understanding why from her side, it isn’t real effort from her perspective.

Good lesson. Do you have kids?

Yes kids. We parent fine, we were living as roommates anyway having sex 1x a month or so. That's probably gone, which I don't care but obviously the destruction to my kids lives is the concern. I disclosed, because she deserves to know before I potentially infect her

I feel bad for you, but isn’t having sex once a month good enough? I assume and agree that starfish sex is a turn-off. I was in your position, but got no sex at all for years. It is baffling how some women can ignore men’s efforts to improve the marriage, unless it is somehow done properly ‘from the wife’s perspective, as long it is done with sincerity. I found an AP and filed for divorce soon after. Loving the single life (left my AP too) now after being put in sex prison by the one who was supposed to love me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cheated, caught an STD, may end up divorced now anyway. In retrospect, I should have put 100% into the marriage and then left. I totally understand the state of mind of complete sexual starvation, and I put in a lot of effort to get things rolling for years, and years. But now, in hindsight, with everything unraveling, it would have been better to have the cataclysmic conversation of we need to fix this or else its over than to be where we both are now.

Why the change of view? Do you have more empathy for your wife and how she feels right now or is it more about you feeling bad?
I guess from my perspective, affair is not fair to the wife and men here argue that point. Wondering about your perspective on that point during the affair and after discovery.

A sexless wife though is not deserving of any empathy when her husband (of course!) finds sex elsewhere. This is 100% fair treatment and honestly there are literally no other options. Surely you cannot argue that a sexless wife deserves fidelity.... that is cray cray.

I think no one in marriage expects to be cheated on period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cheated, caught an STD, may end up divorced now anyway. In retrospect, I should have put 100% into the marriage and then left. I totally understand the state of mind of complete sexual starvation, and I put in a lot of effort to get things rolling for years, and years. But now, in hindsight, with everything unraveling, it would have been better to have the cataclysmic conversation of we need to fix this or else its over than to be where we both are now.

Why the change of view? Do you have more empathy for your wife and how she feels right now or is it more about you feeling bad?
I guess from my perspective, affair is not fair to the wife and men here argue that point. Wondering about your perspective on that point during the affair and after discovery.

A sexless wife though is not deserving of any empathy when her husband (of course!) finds sex elsewhere. This is 100% fair treatment and honestly there are literally no other options. Surely you cannot argue that a sexless wife deserves fidelity.... that is cray cray.

I think no one in marriage expects to be cheated on period.

I think I if one is rejecting sex often they should realize the only possible way to avoid divorce is if they ARE cheated on. It’s not really even cheating but a form of DADT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cheated, caught an STD, may end up divorced now anyway. In retrospect, I should have put 100% into the marriage and then left. I totally understand the state of mind of complete sexual starvation, and I put in a lot of effort to get things rolling for years, and years. But now, in hindsight, with everything unraveling, it would have been better to have the cataclysmic conversation of we need to fix this or else its over than to be where we both are now.

Yep. It should have been the tough but clear discussion and then make a plan for the next steps. If you put in effort without understanding why from her side, it isn’t real effort from her perspective.

Good lesson. Do you have kids?

Yes kids. We parent fine, we were living as roommates anyway having sex 1x a month or so. That's probably gone, which I don't care but obviously the destruction to my kids lives is the concern. I disclosed, because she deserves to know before I potentially infect her

I feel bad for you, but isn’t having sex once a month good enough? I assume and agree that starfish sex is a turn-off. I was in your position, but got no sex at all for years. It is baffling how some women can ignore men’s efforts to improve the marriage, unless it is somehow done properly ‘from the wife’s perspective, as long it is done with sincerity. I found an AP and filed for divorce soon after. Loving the single life (left my AP too) now after being put in sex prison by the one who was supposed to love me.

Sex 1X per month is certainly not “good enough” to avoid divorce. That’s why he must go elsewhere for sex in order to save his low sex marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cheated, caught an STD, may end up divorced now anyway. In retrospect, I should have put 100% into the marriage and then left. I totally understand the state of mind of complete sexual starvation, and I put in a lot of effort to get things rolling for years, and years. But now, in hindsight, with everything unraveling, it would have been better to have the cataclysmic conversation of we need to fix this or else its over than to be where we both are now.

Why the change of view? Do you have more empathy for your wife and how she feels right now or is it more about you feeling bad?
I guess from my perspective, affair is not fair to the wife and men here argue that point. Wondering about your perspective on that point during the affair and after discovery.

A sexless wife though is not deserving of any empathy when her husband (of course!) finds sex elsewhere. This is 100% fair treatment and honestly there are literally no other options. Surely you cannot argue that a sexless wife deserves fidelity.... that is cray cray.

I think no one in marriage expects to be cheated on period.

I think I if one is rejecting sex often they should realize the only possible way to avoid divorce is if they ARE cheated on. It’s not really even cheating but a form of DADT.

Honestly, not sure if this expectation is realistic outside of DCUM world. I think clearly communicating your path to your spouse is the way
to not surprise them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cheated, caught an STD, may end up divorced now anyway. In retrospect, I should have put 100% into the marriage and then left. I totally understand the state of mind of complete sexual starvation, and I put in a lot of effort to get things rolling for years, and years. But now, in hindsight, with everything unraveling, it would have been better to have the cataclysmic conversation of we need to fix this or else its over than to be where we both are now.

Why the change of view? Do you have more empathy for your wife and how she feels right now or is it more about you feeling bad?
I guess from my perspective, affair is not fair to the wife and men here argue that point. Wondering about your perspective on that point during the affair and after discovery.

Some other people responded but they weren't me. Here's my view in retrospect. Yes, it's been a decade of very low frequency, and there were a lot of legit excuses in the beginning, newborns, toddlers, everyone exhausted. Still, I had the conversation over and over again, usually led to tears, or to "go ahead and do it" starfish. After a few years, wife lost baby weight, felt good about her self, still no improvement, even when kids got to middle school. Still more conversations, still no change.

After years of conversations and no change, I just checked out. So when I found someone in a similar boat (her husband rejects her) it seemed like a perfect no harm no foul situation. And really just a temporary one, with the hope that one day we could resume a normal marriage. That all seems out the window, and honestly to some degree she deserves better, even if its a companionate marriage. She is a good person

[Anonymous]

^. What does it mean that she deserves better? Is that your way of saying you made a mistake or that you want out?

I don’t know. I still hear excuses/rationale for cheating. Sort of what I hear on here about blaming the spouse.

There are 2 sides to a story and it would be interesting to hear her version.

[Anonymous]

Maybe asking this question on DCUM is just opening Pandora' Box, but are there really that many wives out there who just have no interest in sex anymore after a certain period of time? I've had two long-term relationships in my life, a girlfriend (10 years) and then my wife (6 years), and neither of them ever went more than a week at most without initiating sex (outside of circumstances like illness).

I had a friend whose wife stopped being interested in sex, claiming childcare, household chores, stress, and being married for 10+ years killed her sex drive. Turns out that just meant her sex drive with him. She didn't have any trouble having sex with her boss several times a week. Are women who stop having sex with their husbands/boyfriends stopping altogether, or just stopping with their spouse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe asking this question on DCUM is just opening Pandora' Box, but are there really that many wives out there who just have no interest in sex anymore after a certain period of time? I've had two long-term relationships in my life, a girlfriend (10 years) and then my wife (6 years), and neither of them ever went more than a week at most without initiating sex (outside of circumstances like illness).

I had a friend whose wife stopped being interested in sex, claiming childcare, household chores, stress, and being married for 10+ years killed her sex drive. Turns out that just meant her sex drive with him. She didn't have any trouble having sex with her boss several times a week. Are women who stop having sex with their husbands/boyfriends stopping altogether, or just stopping with their spouse?

Either one is legit. I could easily stop having sex with my spouse and not replace him with somebody else. But if somebody else were to come along .... I could easily make it happen a few times a week!!!

[Anonymous]

^FYI: it did happen to me while working/ raising kids/ financial worries etc. As kids moved on and life became more settled, things changed and went back to the way it was.
Things change over time in both directions. Stress can have an impact.