Why don't people leave their spouse instead of having affairs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^so I guess there’s no compromise on this situation. No matter what the wife does, it’s not good enough. It seems like it’s not as simple as men make it out: keep to same frequency as during early part of marriage and no cheating. Now there are additional conditions placed on the wives. It’s all wives who have to compromise.
Women have to maintain sex frequency/sex enthusiasm/kids/home/social planning/career. I mean expectations of women are unsustainable. I mean why should women even try since they’re set up to fail.

No you don’t have to do all that. Dial back the kids/home/social planning/career if you can’t handle those things plus a normal sex life.

Dial back your kids??? I have three. Should I give one away?
Should I move to a townhouse??
And if my spouse isn't nice to me...I will need a social life to stay sane.
And if my spouse is such a selfish ass that his love depends on sex and sex only then damn straight i need to keep my career going so when he inevitably leaves me I can support my now two kids in our condo.

Yes, dial back the kids and house care. Find some stuff your husband can do, find some you can outsource, find some that doesn’t need to be done at all. Prioritize your marriage and a normal sex life, otherwise just go get a divorce now or accept that monogamy is not possible given the low priority you give to sustaining your marriage.

And wait: why are you married to a spouse who isn’t even nice to you? That makes no sense. Divorce him!

It’s is not a “selfish ass” for a spouse to need regular sex. Why don’t YOU actually want a normal sex life too? And if you view sex as such an unimportant thing, then it’s no big deal to just open the marriage and let your spouse go do that unimportant thing elsewhere.

I have said this a million times in this thread. The women I know who don't want to have sex with their husbands..
It's because the men are mean and critical to them 99% of the time except when they try to initiate for sex. And their idea of initiating is saying "wanna bone?" Or just grabbing them and trying to get them to touch their erection.

And these guys will NOT step up with the kids or the house. They probably deliberately screw up when they have to do Domestic things so they aren't asked again.

And sorry not sorry it is selfish if your love is conditional.

So yeah I have no idea why they don't divorce. I'm just trying to point out a woman's perspective and point out how men contribute to low sex marriage .

That is simply a dead relationship. She resents him, he resents her. Yet they both remain married for various reasons. But here's the thing: this husband is 100% definitely finding sex outside their marriage. Guaranteed, take that to the bank. Why are you even bringing up this "platonic room mate" example in this thread? Everybody knows this is a DADT situation and the man is definitely having sex elsewhere. Sorry I thought you had some worthwhile points to discuss but this "room mate" example is a black and white clear cut DADT.

Once again, you act like these losers can find willing partners at the drop of a hat. Guess what -- there are NOT a huge number of women lining up to have affairs with lazy, fat, unattractive 40-something dudes who can't even get it together to get divorced like a person with character would do.

And there is where you'd be dead wrong. Can any married man walk into a bar and get laid within 2 hours? No. But let me explain how this works. You know how you (and every other married woman) are sexually bored of your own husband, and would just as soon never have sex with that man again, so you avoid it like the plague, and hope he gets ED? Well over time, married women like you (eventually) start to miss having sex, start to long for the excitement, and want to be the object of a man's desire (just not your husband).

Then along comes a new interesting man (eg, anybody except your husband) who talks nicely to you, pays attention to you, asks you questions, and listens to your answers, and you start to feel a forgotten tingling sensation. As this man keeps showing lots of interest in you over the course of 2 or 3 weeks, you feel excited every time you see him, and look for reasons to have contact. This escalates, you love all the attention from this exciting new guy, you meet for coffee, you meet for drinks, and then you (unintentionally) slip and fall right into bed with him.

This is so true. It happened just like this.

+1 if you’re not careful can even fall head over heels unintentionally

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Women have to maintain sex frequency/sex enthusiasm/kids/home/social planning/career. I mean expectations of women are unsustainable. I mean why should women even try since they’re set up to fail.

MEN have to maintain sex frequency/sex enthusiasm/kids/home/social planning/career. I mean expectations of MEN are unsustainable. I mean why should MEN even try since they’re set up to fail.

Assuming women are the only ones who do the above is just disgustingly flawed and could only be puked out by a woman.

When have you remembered to get your kids to the Dentist?
Do you know where the winter clothes are?
Which of your kids is allergic to which antribiotic?
When is the last time you cooked a real dinner that includes the proper number of servings of vegetables?

If you don't understand the invisible work of women and their mental load....well...I'm not sure there is hope for you and you will remain a hateful angry jerk

NP here, and one who wrote about having an affair up thread. If I had to guess why my wife has zero drive for me, it would be a combination of boredom which is normal and resentment from scorekeeping like this. FWIW, she is SAHM, so it seems fair to divide labor a little more traditionally, but perhaps you disagree.

All of this is honestly sad, since this is really why people have affairs. My AP asks none of this, of course, is thrilled to see me, we laugh, share jokes, have sex and part again until another opportunity presents. To be honest, as fun as it is, I would rather have that relationship with my wife, as affairs are risky and also mentally draining.

I’m the original poster. What you have written is so sad.

You seem to like your relationship with your AP because there are no responsibilities there. This is not real life and so it feels good. Your real life will have challenges/responsibilities/stress. You unfairly compare your real life to what you have with AP, and unfortunately your wife suffers in comparison.

Your wife knows you are not engaged in your real life and don’t want the challenges. Could it be your attitude that’s causing it the friction in your marriage?

This guy is the worst! Looking forward to his divorce, when he has to pay a nice monthly alimony and 1/2 of his 401k. Then it won't be quite as fun to spend all that $$ on his AP.

Alimony is rare. And temporary. It is half the marital share of 401k...and news flash, most working women have their own 401ks and in divorce they both share the marital share or agree to keep their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Women have to maintain sex frequency/sex enthusiasm/kids/home/social planning/career. I mean expectations of women are unsustainable. I mean why should women even try since they’re set up to fail.

MEN have to maintain sex frequency/sex enthusiasm/kids/home/social planning/career. I mean expectations of MEN are unsustainable. I mean why should MEN even try since they’re set up to fail.

Assuming women are the only ones who do the above is just disgustingly flawed and could only be puked out by a woman.

When have you remembered to get your kids to the Dentist?
Do you know where the winter clothes are?
Which of your kids is allergic to which antribiotic?
When is the last time you cooked a real dinner that includes the proper number of servings of vegetables?

If you don't understand the invisible work of women and their mental load....well...I'm not sure there is hope for you and you will remain a hateful angry jerk

NP here, and one who wrote about having an affair up thread. If I had to guess why my wife has zero drive for me, it would be a combination of boredom which is normal and resentment from scorekeeping like this. FWIW, she is SAHM, so it seems fair to divide labor a little more traditionally, but perhaps you disagree.

All of this is honestly sad, since this is really why people have affairs. My AP asks none of this, of course, is thrilled to see me, we laugh, share jokes, have sex and part again until another opportunity presents. To be honest, as fun as it is, I would rather have that relationship with my wife, as affairs are risky and also mentally draining.

I’m the original poster. What you have written is so sad.

You seem to like your relationship with your AP because there are no responsibilities there. This is not real life and so it feels good. Your real life will have challenges/responsibilities/stress. You unfairly compare your real life to what you have with AP, and unfortunately your wife suffers in comparison.

Your wife knows you are not engaged in your real life and don’t want the challenges. Could it be your attitude that’s causing it the friction in your marriage?

This guy is the worst! Looking forward to his divorce, when he has to pay a nice monthly alimony and 1/2 of his 401k. Then it won't be quite as fun to spend all that $$ on his AP.

Alimony is rare. And temporary. It is half the marital share of 401k...and news flash, most working women have their own 401ks and in divorce they both share the marital share or agree to keep their own.

Not rare at all. With my divorce in the 90's I received 3 years alimony. Probably because I wasn't working at the time. With long term or gray divorces it can be alimony for life. My friend was 49 and divorced her husband. Surprising to her she received alimony for life or until she re-married. Mainly because she was on a disability.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Women have to maintain sex frequency/sex enthusiasm/kids/home/social planning/career. I mean expectations of women are unsustainable. I mean why should women even try since they’re set up to fail.

MEN have to maintain sex frequency/sex enthusiasm/kids/home/social planning/career. I mean expectations of MEN are unsustainable. I mean why should MEN even try since they’re set up to fail.

Assuming women are the only ones who do the above is just disgustingly flawed and could only be puked out by a woman.

When have you remembered to get your kids to the Dentist?
Do you know where the winter clothes are?
Which of your kids is allergic to which antribiotic?
When is the last time you cooked a real dinner that includes the proper number of servings of vegetables?

If you don't understand the invisible work of women and their mental load....well...I'm not sure there is hope for you and you will remain a hateful angry jerk

NP here, and one who wrote about having an affair up thread. If I had to guess why my wife has zero drive for me, it would be a combination of boredom which is normal and resentment from scorekeeping like this. FWIW, she is SAHM, so it seems fair to divide labor a little more traditionally, but perhaps you disagree.

All of this is honestly sad, since this is really why people have affairs. My AP asks none of this, of course, is thrilled to see me, we laugh, share jokes, have sex and part again until another opportunity presents. To be honest, as fun as it is, I would rather have that relationship with my wife, as affairs are risky and also mentally draining.

I’m the original poster. What you have written is so sad.

You seem to like your relationship with your AP because there are no responsibilities there. This is not real life and so it feels good. Your real life will have challenges/responsibilities/stress. You unfairly compare your real life to what you have with AP, and unfortunately your wife suffers in comparison.

Your wife knows you are not engaged in your real life and don’t want the challenges. Could it be your attitude that’s causing it the friction in your marriage?

This guy is the worst! Looking forward to his divorce, when he has to pay a nice monthly alimony and 1/2 of his 401k. Then it won't be quite as fun to spend all that $$ on his AP.

Alimony is rare. And temporary. It is half the marital share of 401k...and news flash, most working women have their own 401ks and in divorce they both share the marital share or agree to keep their own.

Not rare at all. With my divorce in the 90's I received 3 years alimony. Probably because I wasn't working at the time. With long term or gray divorces it can be alimony for life. My friend was 49 and divorced her husband. Surprising to her she received alimony for life or until she re-married. Mainly because she was on a disability.

I thought it was rare, too. But my best friend's mom got alimony for life when she divorced 5-7 years ago. My sister is expecting it, and she does work, but there is an income disparity.

[Anonymous]

I cheated, caught an STD, may end up divorced now anyway. In retrospect, I should have put 100% into the marriage and then left. I totally understand the state of mind of complete sexual starvation, and I put in a lot of effort to get things rolling for years, and years. But now, in hindsight, with everything unraveling, it would have been better to have the cataclysmic conversation of we need to fix this or else its over than to be where we both are now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Women have to maintain sex frequency/sex enthusiasm/kids/home/social planning/career. I mean expectations of women are unsustainable. I mean why should women even try since they’re set up to fail.

MEN have to maintain sex frequency/sex enthusiasm/kids/home/social planning/career. I mean expectations of MEN are unsustainable. I mean why should MEN even try since they’re set up to fail.

Assuming women are the only ones who do the above is just disgustingly flawed and could only be puked out by a woman.

When have you remembered to get your kids to the Dentist?
Do you know where the winter clothes are?
Which of your kids is allergic to which antribiotic?
When is the last time you cooked a real dinner that includes the proper number of servings of vegetables?

If you don't understand the invisible work of women and their mental load....well...I'm not sure there is hope for you and you will remain a hateful angry jerk

NP here, and one who wrote about having an affair up thread. If I had to guess why my wife has zero drive for me, it would be a combination of boredom which is normal and resentment from scorekeeping like this. FWIW, she is SAHM, so it seems fair to divide labor a little more traditionally, but perhaps you disagree.

All of this is honestly sad, since this is really why people have affairs. My AP asks none of this, of course, is thrilled to see me, we laugh, share jokes, have sex and part again until another opportunity presents. To be honest, as fun as it is, I would rather have that relationship with my wife, as affairs are risky and also mentally draining.

I’m the original poster. What you have written is so sad.

You seem to like your relationship with your AP because there are no responsibilities there. This is not real life and so it feels good. Your real life will have challenges/responsibilities/stress. You unfairly compare your real life to what you have with AP, and unfortunately your wife suffers in comparison.

Your wife knows you are not engaged in your real life and don’t want the challenges. Could it be your attitude that’s causing it the friction in your marriage?

This guy is the worst! Looking forward to his divorce, when he has to pay a nice monthly alimony and 1/2 of his 401k. Then it won't be quite as fun to spend all that $$ on his AP.

I've seen that in my neck of the woods. Surprising to me is when they cry rape in divorce court. Of course it's going to be a big financial hit for both, and if there's a big income discrepancy, or other factors alimony may be awarded. Even sadder is when the kids have long toward resentments toward the cheating partner. By that time in many cases the cheater realizes the AP wasn't worth losing everything. You wonder why cheaters don't foresee that domino effect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cheated, caught an STD, may end up divorced now anyway. In retrospect, I should have put 100% into the marriage and then left. I totally understand the state of mind of complete sexual starvation, and I put in a lot of effort to get things rolling for years, and years. But now, in hindsight, with everything unraveling, it would have been better to have the cataclysmic conversation of we need to fix this or else its over than to be where we both are now.

Yep. It should have been the tough but clear discussion and then make a plan for the next steps. If you put in effort without understanding why from her side, it isn’t real effort from her perspective.

Good lesson. Do you have kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Women have to maintain sex frequency/sex enthusiasm/kids/home/social planning/career. I mean expectations of women are unsustainable. I mean why should women even try since they’re set up to fail.

MEN have to maintain sex frequency/sex enthusiasm/kids/home/social planning/career. I mean expectations of MEN are unsustainable. I mean why should MEN even try since they’re set up to fail.

Assuming women are the only ones who do the above is just disgustingly flawed and could only be puked out by a woman.

When have you remembered to get your kids to the Dentist?
Do you know where the winter clothes are?
Which of your kids is allergic to which antribiotic?
When is the last time you cooked a real dinner that includes the proper number of servings of vegetables?

If you don't understand the invisible work of women and their mental load....well...I'm not sure there is hope for you and you will remain a hateful angry jerk

NP here, and one who wrote about having an affair up thread. If I had to guess why my wife has zero drive for me, it would be a combination of boredom which is normal and resentment from scorekeeping like this. FWIW, she is SAHM, so it seems fair to divide labor a little more traditionally, but perhaps you disagree.

All of this is honestly sad, since this is really why people have affairs. My AP asks none of this, of course, is thrilled to see me, we laugh, share jokes, have sex and part again until another opportunity presents. To be honest, as fun as it is, I would rather have that relationship with my wife, as affairs are risky and also mentally draining.

I’m the original poster. What you have written is so sad.

You seem to like your relationship with your AP because there are no responsibilities there. This is not real life and so it feels good. Your real life will have challenges/responsibilities/stress. You unfairly compare your real life to what you have with AP, and unfortunately your wife suffers in comparison.

Your wife knows you are not engaged in your real life and don’t want the challenges. Could it be your attitude that’s causing it the friction in your marriage?

This guy is the worst! Looking forward to his divorce, when he has to pay a nice monthly alimony and 1/2 of his 401k. Then it won't be quite as fun to spend all that $$ on his AP.

Alimony is rare. And temporary. It is half the marital share of 401k...and news flash, most working women have their own 401ks and in divorce they both share the marital share or agree to keep their own.

Not rare at all. With my divorce in the 90's I received 3 years alimony. Probably because I wasn't working at the time. With long term or gray divorces it can be alimony for life. My friend was 49 and divorced her husband. Surprising to her she received alimony for life or until she re-married. Mainly because she was on a disability.

I thought it was rare, too. But my best friend's mom got alimony for life when she divorced 5-7 years ago. My sister is expecting it, and she does work, but there is an income disparity.

Alimony is only awarded to (or sought by) incompetent lazy women who are worthlessly unemployable. You are saying this kind of of woman is NOT rare? Income disparity is not cause for alimony.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Women have to maintain sex frequency/sex enthusiasm/kids/home/social planning/career. I mean expectations of women are unsustainable. I mean why should women even try since they’re set up to fail.

MEN have to maintain sex frequency/sex enthusiasm/kids/home/social planning/career. I mean expectations of MEN are unsustainable. I mean why should MEN even try since they’re set up to fail.

Assuming women are the only ones who do the above is just disgustingly flawed and could only be puked out by a woman.

When have you remembered to get your kids to the Dentist?
Do you know where the winter clothes are?
Which of your kids is allergic to which antribiotic?
When is the last time you cooked a real dinner that includes the proper number of servings of vegetables?

If you don't understand the invisible work of women and their mental load....well...I'm not sure there is hope for you and you will remain a hateful angry jerk

NP here, and one who wrote about having an affair up thread. If I had to guess why my wife has zero drive for me, it would be a combination of boredom which is normal and resentment from scorekeeping like this. FWIW, she is SAHM, so it seems fair to divide labor a little more traditionally, but perhaps you disagree.

All of this is honestly sad, since this is really why people have affairs. My AP asks none of this, of course, is thrilled to see me, we laugh, share jokes, have sex and part again until another opportunity presents. To be honest, as fun as it is, I would rather have that relationship with my wife, as affairs are risky and also mentally draining.

I’m the original poster. What you have written is so sad.

You seem to like your relationship with your AP because there are no responsibilities there. This is not real life and so it feels good. Your real life will have challenges/responsibilities/stress. You unfairly compare your real life to what you have with AP, and unfortunately your wife suffers in comparison.

Your wife knows you are not engaged in your real life and don’t want the challenges. Could it be your attitude that’s causing it the friction in your marriage?

This guy is the worst! Looking forward to his divorce, when he has to pay a nice monthly alimony and 1/2 of his 401k. Then it won't be quite as fun to spend all that $$ on his AP.

I've seen that in my neck of the woods. Surprising to me is when they cry rape in divorce court. Of course it's going to be a big financial hit for both, and if there's a big income discrepancy, or other factors alimony may be awarded. Even sadder is when the kids have long toward resentments toward the cheating partner. By that time in many cases the cheater realizes the AP wasn't worth losing everything. You wonder why cheaters don't foresee that domino effect.

What an idiotic reply which shows you've missed the entire thread! His reason for cheating is to STAY married. Spouting out "consequences of divorce" is not a deterent to cheating because your assumption that a non-cheater could stay sexlessly married to a zero libido wife is utterly flawed. Can't you even follow this simple plot?

Your statements about alimony are equally ridiculous. It's 2019 for crying out loud. There is no such thing as alimony.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never understood this. If you're able to find other people that you prefer than who you're with, then what's the point of wasting everyone's time? I read these threads of how people miss their ex-APs so much and it's honestly hurtful to even read and I can't imagine what their spouses would think.

I just need this explained to me.

I'm sure after 18 pages the obvious has been stated multiple times. But here you go:

1. A divorce is expensive. Both parties end up financially worse off.
2. People don't want to share holidays and weekends
3. Divorce is a huge hassle.
4. Divorce is not good for kids
5. Monogamy is not natural.

The thing is except for #4, all of the other reasons are selfish unless you’ve discussed it with your wife first and agreed to stay in marriage.
So the reason why men don’t leave their wives is due to selfishness plain and simple. It’s not that difficult.

The reason women stop having sex with their husbands is selfishness, plain and simple

STFU. There are a million other reasons women stop having sex that does not include being selfish. Health issues to name one....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What? Are you dumb? Because divorce costs A LOT OF MONEY and blows up your children’s life! Christ, if I found out my spouse was banging someone from work, divorce would be the absolute last resort FOR ME, the cheated-on spouse. It has nothing to do with “honoring marriage vows” or whatever the f** people on this forum whinge about, and everything to do with keeping a stable family unit for the kids.

If your husband is balls deep in someone other than you, your family unit is not stable.

BINGO. Also, I am raising daughters....I am not going to show them it's okay to be cheated on. Jesus Christ.....wtf is wrong with you women who think modeling a loveless cheating marriage is something "good" for your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cheated, caught an STD, may end up divorced now anyway. In retrospect, I should have put 100% into the marriage and then left. I totally understand the state of mind of complete sexual starvation, and I put in a lot of effort to get things rolling for years, and years. But now, in hindsight, with everything unraveling, it would have been better to have the cataclysmic conversation of we need to fix this or else its over than to be where we both are now.

Yep. It should have been the tough but clear discussion and then make a plan for the next steps. If you put in effort without understanding why from her side, it isn’t real effort from her perspective.

Good lesson. Do you have kids?

Yes kids. We parent fine, we were living as roommates anyway having sex 1x a month or so. That's probably gone, which I don't care but obviously the destruction to my kids lives is the concern. I disclosed, because she deserves to know before I potentially infect her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cheated, caught an STD, may end up divorced now anyway. In retrospect, I should have put 100% into the marriage and then left. I totally understand the state of mind of complete sexual starvation, and I put in a lot of effort to get things rolling for years, and years. But now, in hindsight, with everything unraveling, it would have been better to have the cataclysmic conversation of we need to fix this or else its over than to be where we both are now.

Yep. It should have been the tough but clear discussion and then make a plan for the next steps. If you put in effort without understanding why from her side, it isn’t real effort from her perspective.

Good lesson. Do you have kids?

Yes kids. We parent fine, we were living as roommates anyway having sex 1x a month or so. That's probably gone, which I don't care but obviously the destruction to my kids lives is the concern. I disclosed, because she deserves to know before I potentially infect her

.

You must be a troll. Which std?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cheated, caught an STD, may end up divorced now anyway. In retrospect, I should have put 100% into the marriage and then left. I totally understand the state of mind of complete sexual starvation, and I put in a lot of effort to get things rolling for years, and years. But now, in hindsight, with everything unraveling, it would have been better to have the cataclysmic conversation of we need to fix this or else its over than to be where we both are now.

Yep. It should have been the tough but clear discussion and then make a plan for the next steps. If you put in effort without understanding why from her side, it isn’t real effort from her perspective.

Good lesson. Do you have kids?

Yes kids. We parent fine, we were living as roommates anyway having sex 1x a month or so. That's probably gone, which I don't care but obviously the destruction to my kids lives is the concern. I disclosed, because she deserves to know before I potentially infect her

.

You must be a troll. Which std?

Wow, really why would you think I am a troll? It's one that isn't curable

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What? Are you dumb? Because divorce costs A LOT OF MONEY and blows up your children’s life! Christ, if I found out my spouse was banging someone from work, divorce would be the absolute last resort FOR ME, the cheated-on spouse. It has nothing to do with “honoring marriage vows” or whatever the f** people on this forum whinge about, and everything to do with keeping a stable family unit for the kids.

If your husband is balls deep in someone other than you, your family unit is not stable.

BINGO. Also, I am raising daughters....I am not going to show them it's okay to be cheated on. Jesus Christ.....wtf is wrong with you women who think modeling a loveless cheating marriage is something "good" for your kids.

They don't think it's "ok" they just hide behind that logic to defend staying in the relationship. It's easier to use their kids as an excuse so that they can appear to be selfless while making a very selfish decision.