Husband refuses to help with night feedings

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Update:

My husband prefers night sleep and working out in the morning ( so he can help in the evenings) so we are going to hire help. I will have a doula coming next week for daytime help, that will change to night time help once we're comfortable.

I will cut down on cleaning and cooking. I have not changed my story per one comment. I said he did most of everything in the first month and now we split most cleaning 50/50. We are very clean people and do not like a dirty house. I know I need to relax my standards.

I do not like sandwiches. Lunchmeat is carcinogenic and full of sodium. Super gross and bad for you. I eat 2200-2500 calories a day and prepare breakfast and lunch for myself and my husband everyday. It's usually not super time consuming - eggs + avocado toast for breakfast or oatmeal. Lunch is grilled cheese + soup, salad, charcuterie board, etc. I can't afford a private chef but maybe I can have my husband meal prep things throughout the week. I'm not very creative and tend to stick to the same things each week.

As for feeding, I will ask the doula what she thinks is best in terms of feeding schedules for a newborn.

As for sleep, I enjoy holding him for naps. He can nap on his most of the time, but we are trying to have him nap in his crib, and he often wakes up. He doesn't wake up after being put down in the snoo for naps or at night. He wakes up to eat but goes right back to sleep.

You do realize you don't have to use lunch meat to make a sandwich.

Who cares? Your obsession with OP not liking sandwiches is weird.

[Anonymous]

I assume the grilled cheese she eats with soup is a sandwich, unless it's just a blob of melted cheese.

Defenitely some food issues there, that may be transferring over into the baby's feeding issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Something doesn’t sound right to me - you are pumping, nursing AND supplementing? Maybe change the order of things to stretch out the time between feedings. How about he feeds the baby a formula bottle at 11pm, thus giving you a longer stretch of sleep that may also increase your production before the next feeding?

BTW, doctors and lactation consultants can advise you, but only you and your baby know how to work this out. Why are you pumping on maternity leave? It is really helping your supply more than exclusively breast feeding?

I totally get the desire to supply your own milk, but sometimes your baby needs more than you can make. Also, are YOU drinking and eating enough, in addition to napping whenever the baby does? Helps a LOT with supply.

OP here. I was feeding at 10, going to bed at 11 and then sleeping until 3/4am. I nurse exclusively for all feeds except the bottle my husband was giving the baby. I pump after every ffed during the day to stimulate production. I supplement in the evening and a night with formula.

I trust my doctor and her experience. I also trust the location consultant. He has weight gain issues and needs to ear every 3 hours, day and night.

I am eating and drinking plenty. I make 20-24 ounces and he is eating 24-28 ounces. I only give him 4-8 ounces of formula a day.

Meh, I nursed each kid for a year, and I say your doctor and lactation consultant are making too big of a deal of this. My kids are teens and looking back, the pressure on women to lose sleep and sanity for breastfeeding seems wholly out of proportion with actual benefits.

This thread is nuts. Women will always be second class citizens as long as they continue to engage in something like breastfeeding which is extremely taxing and time consuming and has marginal benefits. Formula is freedom and it makes me angry how many women sacrifice their life to breastfeed.

[Anonymous]

OP, please get a meal delivery service. It will save you right now. If you’re in DC I recommend Mighty Meals.

Cooking should be the last thing you are doing!

Good luck, this is the hardest few weeks of having a newborn. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

I’m glad you chose to hire help at night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Update:

My husband prefers night sleep and working out in the morning ( so he can help in the evenings) so we are going to hire help. I will have a doula coming next week for daytime help, that will change to night time help once we're comfortable.

I will cut down on cleaning and cooking. I have not changed my story per one comment. I said he did most of everything in the first month and now we split most cleaning 50/50. We are very clean people and do not like a dirty house. I know I need to relax my standards.

I do not like sandwiches. Lunchmeat is carcinogenic and full of sodium. Super gross and bad for you. I eat 2200-2500 calories a day and prepare breakfast and lunch for myself and my husband everyday. It's usually not super time consuming - eggs + avocado toast for breakfast or oatmeal. Lunch is grilled cheese + soup, salad, charcuterie board, etc. I can't afford a private chef but maybe I can have my husband meal prep things throughout the week. I'm not very creative and tend to stick to the same things each week.


As for feeding, I will ask the doula what she thinks is best in terms of feeding schedules for a newborn.

As for sleep, I enjoy holding him for naps. He can nap on his most of the time, but we are trying to have him nap in his crib, and he often wakes up. He doesn't wake up after being put down in the snoo for naps or at night. He wakes up to eat but goes right back to sleep.

This must be a joke, right? This entire post sounds absolutely ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:


What happened to Mom’s daytime naps??

Op refuses to nap during the day.
Her husband refuses to share in night care

They both refuse outside help.


I think the best advice.is to be one and done

This, plus also refusing to supplement more to free up more time. Both are very rigid, which is fine, but makes things much harder.

OP here. I am supplementing per pediatrician recommendation. He doesn't need to be supplemented during the day as he gets enough. I do supplement at night based on his hunger. My main goal is to provide him with him breast milk and that is why I pump after feedings.

This is his an idea of his feeding schedule. Times and amount at night changes. I'm not denying him milk. He is eating 24-28oz a day with 20-24 ounces breast milk + 4-8 ounces of formula.

6am- 2-3oz breastmilk. 8am - 2oz breastmilk, 10am - 2oz of breastmilk, 12pm - 2oz of breastmilk, 3pm - 3oz of breastmilk, 5pm - 2oz of breastmilk, 7pm - 2oz breastmilk, 10pm - 3-4oz (2oz breastmilk +1-2oz formula), 1am - 3-4oz ( 2oz breastmilk + 1-2oz formula), 4am - 4oz ( 2oz breastmilk + 1-2oz formula).

This is a weight gain issue but he seems to be catching up!

I think people are being unnecessarily hard on OP. People seem to forget what it is like to not sleep much and go through breastfeeding struggles. Add the struggle of weight gain issues and that can be stressful for anyone. I nursed both of my kids and it was a struggle for the first 2-3 months. OP made the choice to breastfeed and give her child the recommended and top food source, just like many other mothers do. Almost all new moms struggle with leaning how to breastfeed. She is only 5 weeks with a tiny baby. Give her a break!

And don't forget all the time she insists on spending making organic food, and other unnecessary tasks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband just returned to work from paternity leave and I'm on maternity leave. He WFH most days out of the week, with some days at the office. Our newborn wakes up 2-3 times a night to eat. We had a system in place where we would take shifts - I went to bed after bedtime feeding and husband took first feeding to give me 4-5 hour uninterrupted stretch of sleep. I then handled the 1-2 additional wakings and he got up with him for the morning feed so I can sleep in. I know the mornings we need to be adjusted now that he is back to work, but he has since decided that he can no longer wake up a night with working. I think he is being unreasonable, but he thinks I should handle all of the night feeds since I will be home and able to nap. It's been very hard on me the last week doing it by myself and my husband won't budge. This has caused tension between us this past week that blew up into a big fight this past weekend. I'm very mad at him. Help me.

You on maternity leave. He is noongerno leave and is working. This is why you have maternity leave

When he was on paternity leave, he didn’t do 100% of the night wakings. Why are the rules different for women again?

I think OP should be doing the wakings. I think when he was on paternity leave they should have been splitting up the night feedings. Unfortunately OP is breastfeeding which makes that more difficult.

Ok, so a dad on paternity leave should do 50% and a mom on maternity leave should do 100%. Got it. Very equal.

Again she’d be better off as a single mother.

It's astonishing that this has to be explained to you, but apparently it does, so here goes:

They were both on leave at the same time, so they split the night wakings.

When he went back to work, she was still on leave, so it's reasonable for her to take on more of the burden. The precise split is open for discussion, but it's silly and obtuse to characterize it the way you are.

When she goes back to work, they should re-evaluate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband just returned to work from paternity leave and I'm on maternity leave. He WFH most days out of the week, with some days at the office. Our newborn wakes up 2-3 times a night to eat. We had a system in place where we would take shifts - I went to bed after bedtime feeding and husband took first feeding to give me 4-5 hour uninterrupted stretch of sleep. I then handled the 1-2 additional wakings and he got up with him for the morning feed so I can sleep in. I know the mornings we need to be adjusted now that he is back to work, but he has since decided that he can no longer wake up a night with working. I think he is being unreasonable, but he thinks I should handle all of the night feeds since I will be home and able to nap. It's been very hard on me the last week doing it by myself and my husband won't budge. This has caused tension between us this past week that blew up into a big fight this past weekend. I'm very mad at him. Help me.

You on maternity leave. He is noongerno leave and is working. This is why you have maternity leave

When he was on paternity leave, he didn’t do 100% of the night wakings. Why are the rules different for women again?

I think OP should be doing the wakings. I think when he was on paternity leave they should have been splitting up the night feedings. Unfortunately OP is breastfeeding which makes that more difficult.

Ok, so a dad on paternity leave should do 50% and a mom on maternity leave should do 100%. Got it. Very equal.

Again she’d be better off as a single mother.

It's astonishing that this has to be explained to you, but apparently it does, so here goes:

They were both on leave at the same time, so they split the night wakings.

When he went back to work, she was still on leave, so it's reasonable for her to take on more of the burden. The precise split is open for discussion, but it's silly and obtuse to characterize it the way you are.

When she goes back to work, they should re-evaluate.

DP.

She is taking on 100% of the sleep issues. This is the burden of a newborn. What else wreaks havoc in this phase?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband just returned to work from paternity leave and I'm on maternity leave. He WFH most days out of the week, with some days at the office. Our newborn wakes up 2-3 times a night to eat. We had a system in place where we would take shifts - I went to bed after bedtime feeding and husband took first feeding to give me 4-5 hour uninterrupted stretch of sleep. I then handled the 1-2 additional wakings and he got up with him for the morning feed so I can sleep in. I know the mornings we need to be adjusted now that he is back to work, but he has since decided that he can no longer wake up a night with working. I think he is being unreasonable, but he thinks I should handle all of the night feeds since I will be home and able to nap. It's been very hard on me the last week doing it by myself and my husband won't budge. This has caused tension between us this past week that blew up into a big fight this past weekend. I'm very mad at him. Help me.

You on maternity leave. He is noongerno leave and is working. This is why you have maternity leave

When he was on paternity leave, he didn’t do 100% of the night wakings. Why are the rules different for women again?

I think OP should be doing the wakings. I think when he was on paternity leave they should have been splitting up the night feedings. Unfortunately OP is breastfeeding which makes that more difficult.

Ok, so a dad on paternity leave should do 50% and a mom on maternity leave should do 100%. Got it. Very equal.

Again she’d be better off as a single mother.

It's astonishing that this has to be explained to you, but apparently it does, so here goes:

They were both on leave at the same time, so they split the night wakings.

When he went back to work, she was still on leave, so it's reasonable for her to take on more of the burden. The precise split is open for discussion, but it's silly and obtuse to characterize it the way you are.

When she goes back to work, they should re-evaluate.

She already is, she’s taking care of the baby all day. More of the burden is still not “all night wakings” which is what is being suggested she do here. It’s misogynistic and pretty sick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Something doesn’t sound right to me - you are pumping, nursing AND supplementing? Maybe change the order of things to stretch out the time between feedings. How about he feeds the baby a formula bottle at 11pm, thus giving you a longer stretch of sleep that may also increase your production before the next feeding?

BTW, doctors and lactation consultants can advise you, but only you and your baby know how to work this out. Why are you pumping on maternity leave? It is really helping your supply more than exclusively breast feeding?

I totally get the desire to supply your own milk, but sometimes your baby needs more than you can make. Also, are YOU drinking and eating enough, in addition to napping whenever the baby does? Helps a LOT with supply.

OP here. I was feeding at 10, going to bed at 11 and then sleeping until 3/4am. I nurse exclusively for all feeds except the bottle my husband was giving the baby. I pump after every ffed during the day to stimulate production. I supplement in the evening and a night with formula.

I trust my doctor and her experience. I also trust the location consultant. He has weight gain issues and needs to ear every 3 hours, day and night.

I am eating and drinking plenty. I make 20-24 ounces and he is eating 24-28 ounces. I only give him 4-8 ounces of formula a day.

Meh, I nursed each kid for a year, and I say your doctor and lactation consultant are making too big of a deal of this. My kids are teens and looking back, the pressure on women to lose sleep and sanity for breastfeeding seems wholly out of proportion with actual benefits.

This thread is nuts. Women will always be second class citizens as long as they continue to engage in something like breastfeeding which is extremely taxing and time consuming and has marginal benefits. Formula is freedom and it makes me angry how many women sacrifice their life to breastfeed.

Her problem isn’t breastfeeding. Her problem is her husband is a trash human. Even if the baby was on formula he would still not compromise his 6 am workout to feed the baby the formula.

Women will be second class citizens as long as they marry and defend man children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Update:

My husband prefers night sleep and working out in the morning ( so he can help in the evenings) so we are going to hire help. I will have a doula coming next week for daytime help, that will change to night time help once we're comfortable.

I will cut down on cleaning and cooking. I have not changed my story per one comment. I said he did most of everything in the first month and now we split most cleaning 50/50. We are very clean people and do not like a dirty house. I know I need to relax my standards.

I do not like sandwiches. Lunchmeat is carcinogenic and full of sodium. Super gross and bad for you. I eat 2200-2500 calories a day and prepare breakfast and lunch for myself and my husband everyday. It's usually not super time consuming - eggs + avocado toast for breakfast or oatmeal. Lunch is grilled cheese + soup, salad, charcuterie board, etc. I can't afford a private chef but maybe I can have my husband meal prep things throughout the week. I'm not very creative and tend to stick to the same things each week.


As for feeding, I will ask the doula what she thinks is best in terms of feeding schedules for a newborn.

As for sleep, I enjoy holding him for naps. He can nap on his most of the time, but we are trying to have him nap in his crib, and he often wakes up. He doesn't wake up after being put down in the snoo for naps or at night. He wakes up to eat but goes right back to sleep.

This must be a joke, right? This entire post sounds absolutely ridiculous.

+1 OP had my sympathy but she sounds ridiculous and inflexible for someone with a newborn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP needs to step up and get her daytime naps. Why not?

OP here. I have other things to do. Cooking, cleaning, washing pump parts/bottles, etc. My baby also loves being held for naps.

Haven't posted yet but get over this. It's ridiculous and you're setting yourself up for failure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP whatever you law you do. At your next OB visit get an IUD. He’s telling you what kind of parent and partner he is, and while he might improve, I would not take any chances.

OP here. He is not a terrible father or partner. He does help out in other aspects as much as he can.

If you say so. Letting your partner do 100% of the night feedings sounds like someone who doesn’t care for their spouse or their child but only their beauty rest.

OP here. I think you're misunderstanding me. I never said he needed to do 100% of the feedings. I'm not sure where you got that from. I said I want him to continue to do the 1am feeding.

Ummm...he is making you do 100% of the feedings. How old are you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you can’t afford to outsource help from a night nurse, your dh will have to take one feeding so that you can get a good 4 hour stretch of sleep every night. It’s not really negotiable; you can’t function without it. He can choose which one suits his schedule the best, but he can’t abdicate all responsibility. You also need to alternate sleeping in on weekend mornings. People with newborns need to prioritize sleep or it doesn’t happen.

OP here. We can afford a night nurse but neither of us feel comfortable with a stranger in our home.

You’re ridiculous. You’re husband is working and you are not. You nap during the day.

People who say this are ridiculous. A baby may only nap for a 60-90 minute stretch. It’s not like you can just train yourself to instantly instantly go to sleep the second they nod off, so at best you get maybe 30-45 minutes of poor rest, while listening/on alert for them to wake up.

It’s somewhat twisted that society has convinced people that it’s more important for the man sitting in front of a computer working an office job to be well rested than a woman recovering from a major medical procedure while simultaneously taking care of a newborn.

OP here. This is the issue I have. My son eats every 2 hours during the day - 10 feeds total a day. He naps in 1.5 hour increments. After I feed him and get him down to sleep, I have to pump to help with my low supply. Then he often wakes up to be held or needs to be put back to sleep. I can't easily fall asleep. When I'm up at night for feedings, it takes me at least 30 minutes to fall back asleep.

It's going to be hard but you can do it. I had a preemie that had to be fed every three hours. The feed would last around a half hour and then she had to be upright for a half hour because of reflux. Then I pumped. Then I slept maybe an hour. I did that on my own for about a month as my husband was deployed. I was staying with my parents and they took care of everything else.

As others have said, this is a short period of time even if it is brutal. With the challenges you are facing I do think your husband should pitch in for the late night feeding or the early morning. I also think you should consider supplementing with formula if your supply isn't getting better. With my first I was SAH for her first year. I exclusively BF for awhile and pumped b/c of low supply. My supply never got much better - it was a losing battle and wasn't worth the stress.

My pumping turned out to be all for naught (long story)

OP here. I make a decent amount of milk. It's important to my husband and I that he gets breast milk for at least 3 months. I do supplement 1-2 feeds a day.

Well, you pick your battles. If your husband really cares about this then he needs to be part of the solution. Also, you can say what's important to you but if you can't make it work and you're going crazy, maybe readjust.