Husband refuses to help with night feedings

[Anonymous]

Who does he think should do wake-ups when your parental leave ends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP whatever you law you do. At your next OB visit get an IUD. He’s telling you what kind of parent and partner he is, and while he might improve, I would not take any chances.

OP here. He is not a terrible father or partner. He does help out in other aspects as much as he can.

If you say so. Letting your partner do 100% of the night feedings sounds like someone who doesn’t care for their spouse or their child but only their beauty rest.

Stop saying "help out" like it's optional. He's a parent of this child too. I noticed it in your subject line and again above.

[Anonymous]

Op doesn't want advice. Sandwiches are beneath her. She's committed to mommy martyrdom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband just returned to work from paternity leave and I'm on maternity leave. He WFH most days out of the week, with some days at the office. Our newborn wakes up 2-3 times a night to eat. We had a system in place where we would take shifts - I went to bed after bedtime feeding and husband took first feeding to give me 4-5 hour uninterrupted stretch of sleep. I then handled the 1-2 additional wakings and he got up with him for the morning feed so I can sleep in. I know the mornings we need to be adjusted now that he is back to work, but he has since decided that he can no longer wake up a night with working. I think he is being unreasonable, but he thinks I should handle all of the night feeds since I will be home and able to nap. It's been very hard on me the last week doing it by myself and my husband won't budge. This has caused tension between us this past week that blew up into a big fight this past weekend. I'm very mad at him. Help me.

You on maternity leave. He is noongerno leave and is working. This is why you have maternity leave

When he was on paternity leave, he didn’t do 100% of the night wakings. Why are the rules different for women again?

I think OP should be doing the wakings. I think when he was on paternity leave they should have been splitting up the night feedings. Unfortunately OP is breastfeeding which makes that more difficult.

Ok, so a dad on paternity leave should do 50% and a mom on maternity leave should do 100%. Got it. Very equal.

Again she’d be better off as a single mother.

I don’t think people are saying that. People are saying that if one parent is spending 8 hours working and the other parent is not, the parent who is not should shoulder most of middle of the night feedings. If dad took his paternity leave after mom went back to work, then he should take the middle of the night feedings. If both are on leave, they should share it. With OP, I’m curious how they handle weekends. Does dad cover then? If not, he should.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

Update:

My husband prefers night sleep and working out in the morning ( so he can help in the evenings) so we are going to hire help. I will have a doula coming next week for daytime help, that will change to night time help once we're comfortable.

I will cut down on cleaning and cooking. I have not changed my story per one comment. I said he did most of everything in the first month and now we split most cleaning 50/50. We are very clean people and do not like a dirty house. I know I need to relax my standards.

I do not like sandwiches. Lunchmeat is carcinogenic and full of sodium. Super gross and bad for you. I eat 2200-2500 calories a day and prepare breakfast and lunch for myself and my husband everyday. It's usually not super time consuming - eggs + avocado toast for breakfast or oatmeal. Lunch is grilled cheese + soup, salad, charcuterie board, etc. I can't afford a private chef but maybe I can have my husband meal prep things throughout the week. I'm not very creative and tend to stick to the same things each week.

As for feeding, I will ask the doula what she thinks is best in terms of feeding schedules for a newborn.

As for sleep, I enjoy holding him for naps. He can nap on his most of the time, but we are trying to have him nap in his crib, and he often wakes up. He doesn't wake up after being put down in the snoo for naps or at night. He wakes up to eat but goes right back to sleep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:


What happened to Mom’s daytime naps??

Op refuses to nap during the day.
Her husband refuses to share in night care

They both refuse outside help.


I think the best advice.is to be one and done

This, plus also refusing to supplement more to free up more time. Both are very rigid, which is fine, but makes things much harder.

OP here. I am supplementing per pediatrician recommendation. He doesn't need to be supplemented during the day as he gets enough. I do supplement at night based on his hunger. My main goal is to provide him with him breast milk and that is why I pump after feedings.

This is his an idea of his feeding schedule. Times and amount at night changes. I'm not denying him milk. He is eating 24-28oz a day with 20-24 ounces breast milk + 4-8 ounces of formula.

6am- 2-3oz breastmilk. 8am - 2oz breastmilk, 10am - 2oz of breastmilk, 12pm - 2oz of breastmilk, 3pm - 3oz of breastmilk, 5pm - 2oz of breastmilk, 7pm - 2oz breastmilk, 10pm - 3-4oz (2oz breastmilk +1-2oz formula), 1am - 3-4oz ( 2oz breastmilk + 1-2oz formula), 4am - 4oz ( 2oz breastmilk + 1-2oz formula).

I think you should feed every 3 hours and offer more food per feeding. This all cut down on post-pumping sessions and less feeding times.

There are one of two ways.

You can feed every 3 hours, 8 times a day. Offer 3-4 ounces per feed. You can offer formula after ever feed, if needed, and that will also help up his formula intake. Pump every other feed.

For instance, you can feed 7,10, 1, 4, 7, 10, 1 & 4.

or

You can feed every 2-2.5 hours during the day and just let him sleep up to 4-5 hours at night. Make sure to get in 8 feeds a day and at least 24 ounces.

For instance, 7am, 9:30, 12, 2:30, 5, 7:30, 10:30, and 3/4am

or feed 10 times but get in most feed before bed

For instance, 7, 9, 11, 1, 3, 5, 7, 9, 11, 3/4am.

You can still make sure baby is eating enough without needing to wake every 3 hours a night.

Or you could just feed on demand. The above is someone who didn't breastfeed a hard to gain nursing baby. You do realize you can't make a baby eat more right? It's a baby not a robot.

[Anonymous]

It's hard for selfish people to adjust to newborns.

[Anonymous]

Married to an Ole Southern boy. He did not wake up for the baby and was irate if I didn't. Granted, with the first, I stayed home. The se one, I went to work after. It was hard. The second was easygoing and I knew she would be my last so it was not so bad. The first nearly killed me. She screamed and nursed all night long and needed constant attention. I had my mom who flew in every other month to help me remain sane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Married to an Ole Southern boy. He did not wake up for the baby and was irate if I didn't. Granted, with the first, I stayed home. The se one, I went to work after. It was hard. The second was easygoing and I knew she would be my last so it was not so bad. The first nearly killed me. She screamed and nursed all night long and needed constant attention. I had my mom who flew in every other month to help me remain sane.

Why on earth would you have a second child with such a despicable jerk?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Update:

My husband prefers night sleep and working out in the morning ( so he can help in the evenings) so we are going to hire help. I will have a doula coming next week for daytime help, that will change to night time help once we're comfortable.

I will cut down on cleaning and cooking. I have not changed my story per one comment. I said he did most of everything in the first month and now we split most cleaning 50/50. We are very clean people and do not like a dirty house. I know I need to relax my standards.

I do not like sandwiches. Lunchmeat is carcinogenic and full of sodium. Super gross and bad for you. I eat 2200-2500 calories a day and prepare breakfast and lunch for myself and my husband everyday. It's usually not super time consuming - eggs + avocado toast for breakfast or oatmeal. Lunch is grilled cheese + soup, salad, charcuterie board, etc. I can't afford a private chef but maybe I can have my husband meal prep things throughout the week. I'm not very creative and tend to stick to the same things each week.

As for feeding, I will ask the doula what she thinks is best in terms of feeding schedules for a newborn.

As for sleep, I enjoy holding him for naps. He can nap on his most of the time, but we are trying to have him nap in his crib, and he often wakes up. He doesn't wake up after being put down in the snoo for naps or at night. He wakes up to eat but goes right back to sleep.

So do you leave the cured meats off your charcuterie board given your antipathy for processed meats?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Married to an Ole Southern boy. He did not wake up for the baby and was irate if I didn't. Granted, with the first, I stayed home. The se one, I went to work after. It was hard. The second was easygoing and I knew she would be my last so it was not so bad. The first nearly killed me. She screamed and nursed all night long and needed constant attention. I had my mom who flew in every other month to help me remain sane.

Why on earth would you have a second child with such a despicable jerk?

She thinks it's cute to be married to an ole southern boy so clearly her standards and self respect are in the toilet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:


What happened to Mom’s daytime naps??

Op refuses to nap during the day.
Her husband refuses to share in night care

They both refuse outside help.


I think the best advice.is to be one and done

This, plus also refusing to supplement more to free up more time. Both are very rigid, which is fine, but makes things much harder.

OP here. I am supplementing per pediatrician recommendation. He doesn't need to be supplemented during the day as he gets enough. I do supplement at night based on his hunger. My main goal is to provide him with him breast milk and that is why I pump after feedings.

This is his an idea of his feeding schedule. Times and amount at night changes. I'm not denying him milk. He is eating 24-28oz a day with 20-24 ounces breast milk + 4-8 ounces of formula.

6am- 2-3oz breastmilk. 8am - 2oz breastmilk, 10am - 2oz of breastmilk, 12pm - 2oz of breastmilk, 3pm - 3oz of breastmilk, 5pm - 2oz of breastmilk, 7pm - 2oz breastmilk, 10pm - 3-4oz (2oz breastmilk +1-2oz formula), 1am - 3-4oz ( 2oz breastmilk + 1-2oz formula), 4am - 4oz ( 2oz breastmilk + 1-2oz formula).

I think you should feed every 3 hours and offer more food per feeding. This all cut down on post-pumping sessions and less feeding times.

There are one of two ways.

You can feed every 3 hours, 8 times a day. Offer 3-4 ounces per feed. You can offer formula after ever feed, if needed, and that will also help up his formula intake. Pump every other feed.

For instance, you can feed 7,10, 1, 4, 7, 10, 1 & 4.

or

You can feed every 2-2.5 hours during the day and just let him sleep up to 4-5 hours at night. Make sure to get in 8 feeds a day and at least 24 ounces.

For instance, 7am, 9:30, 12, 2:30, 5, 7:30, 10:30, and 3/4am

or feed 10 times but get in most feed before bed

For instance, 7, 9, 11, 1, 3, 5, 7, 9, 11, 3/4am.

You can still make sure baby is eating enough without needing to wake every 3 hours a night.

Or you could just feed on demand. The above is someone who didn't breastfeed a hard to gain nursing baby. You do realize you can't make a baby eat more right? It's a baby not a robot.

Hard to gain and hard to feed are not the same.

Though in both cases it makes sense to increase calories and or frequency.
And based on the fact that op has stated they can go up to 3 hours between feeds. Her baby isn't having that much difficulty gaining weight

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Update:

My husband prefers night sleep and working out in the morning ( so he can help in the evenings) so we are going to hire help. I will have a doula coming next week for daytime help, that will change to night time help once we're comfortable.

I will cut down on cleaning and cooking. I have not changed my story per one comment. I said he did most of everything in the first month and now we split most cleaning 50/50. We are very clean people and do not like a dirty house. I know I need to relax my standards.

I do not like sandwiches. Lunchmeat is carcinogenic and full of sodium. Super gross and bad for you. I eat 2200-2500 calories a day and prepare breakfast and lunch for myself and my husband everyday. It's usually not super time consuming - eggs + avocado toast for breakfast or oatmeal. Lunch is grilled cheese + soup, salad, charcuterie board, etc. I can't afford a private chef but maybe I can have my husband meal prep things throughout the week. I'm not very creative and tend to stick to the same things each week.

As for feeding, I will ask the doula what she thinks is best in terms of feeding schedules for a newborn.

As for sleep, I enjoy holding him for naps. He can nap on his most of the time, but we are trying to have him nap in his crib, and he often wakes up. He doesn't wake up after being put down in the snoo for naps or at night. He wakes up to eat but goes right back to sleep.

You do realize you don't have to use lunch meat to make a sandwich.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:


What happened to Mom’s daytime naps??

Op refuses to nap during the day.
Her husband refuses to share in night care

They both refuse outside help.


I think the best advice.is to be one and done

This, plus also refusing to supplement more to free up more time. Both are very rigid, which is fine, but makes things much harder.

OP here. I am supplementing per pediatrician recommendation. He doesn't need to be supplemented during the day as he gets enough. I do supplement at night based on his hunger. My main goal is to provide him with him breast milk and that is why I pump after feedings.

This is his an idea of his feeding schedule. Times and amount at night changes. I'm not denying him milk. He is eating 24-28oz a day with 20-24 ounces breast milk + 4-8 ounces of formula.

6am- 2-3oz breastmilk. 8am - 2oz breastmilk, 10am - 2oz of breastmilk, 12pm - 2oz of breastmilk, 3pm - 3oz of breastmilk, 5pm - 2oz of breastmilk, 7pm - 2oz breastmilk, 10pm - 3-4oz (2oz breastmilk +1-2oz formula), 1am - 3-4oz ( 2oz breastmilk + 1-2oz formula), 4am - 4oz ( 2oz breastmilk + 1-2oz formula).

I think you should feed every 3 hours and offer more food per feeding. This all cut down on post-pumping sessions and less feeding times.

There are one of two ways.

You can feed every 3 hours, 8 times a day. Offer 3-4 ounces per feed. You can offer formula after ever feed, if needed, and that will also help up his formula intake. Pump every other feed.

For instance, you can feed 7,10, 1, 4, 7, 10, 1 & 4.

or

You can feed every 2-2.5 hours during the day and just let him sleep up to 4-5 hours at night. Make sure to get in 8 feeds a day and at least 24 ounces.

For instance, 7am, 9:30, 12, 2:30, 5, 7:30, 10:30, and 3/4am

or feed 10 times but get in most feed before bed

For instance, 7, 9, 11, 1, 3, 5, 7, 9, 11, 3/4am.

You can still make sure baby is eating enough without needing to wake every 3 hours a night.

Or you could just feed on demand. The above is someone who didn't breastfeed a hard to gain nursing baby. You do realize you can't make a baby eat more right? It's a baby not a robot.

Hard to gain and hard to feed are not the same.

Though in both cases it makes sense to increase calories and or frequency.
And based on the fact that op has stated they can go up to 3 hours between feeds. Her baby isn't having that much difficulty gaining weight

It seems you both have very little knowledge on the subject. As someone who had a baby with weight issues, we had to feed every 2 hours during the day and every 3 hours at night. We were told to not go longer than 3 hours between feedings. Even if baby has weight issues, feeding every 2-3 hours is still recommended. OP's baby went from 32nd to 3rd percentile and isn't even 8lbs by 5 weeks. That is a weight gain issue. Feeding on-demand is fine, but if baby is sleepy or has weight issues, waiting 3+ hours for baby to wake up and eat is not recommended.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Update:

My husband prefers night sleep and working out in the morning ( so he can help in the evenings) so we are going to hire help. I will have a doula coming next week for daytime help, that will change to night time help once we're comfortable.

I will cut down on cleaning and cooking. I have not changed my story per one comment. I said he did most of everything in the first month and now we split most cleaning 50/50. We are very clean people and do not like a dirty house. I know I need to relax my standards.

I do not like sandwiches. Lunchmeat is carcinogenic and full of sodium. Super gross and bad for you. I eat 2200-2500 calories a day and prepare breakfast and lunch for myself and my husband everyday. It's usually not super time consuming - eggs + avocado toast for breakfast or oatmeal. Lunch is grilled cheese + soup, salad, charcuterie board, etc. I can't afford a private chef but maybe I can have my husband meal prep things throughout the week. I'm not very creative and tend to stick to the same things each week.

As for feeding, I will ask the doula what she thinks is best in terms of feeding schedules for a newborn.

As for sleep, I enjoy holding him for naps. He can nap on his most of the time, but we are trying to have him nap in his crib, and he often wakes up. He doesn't wake up after being put down in the snoo for naps or at night. He wakes up to eat but goes right back to sleep.

You lost me at charcuterie board lunch 🙄