Husband refuses to help with night feedings

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dear OP, I hope this is your first and last baby because you seem to be completely overwhelmed and you’re only a few weeks in. Hiring help while you are a stay at home parent of one baby? Overcomplicating nursing and whining about waking up at night? You must be from a really privileged environment to think what you posted here is an actual problem.

How is OP overcomplicating nursing? You do understand that some women struggle with it? It's common practice to supplement or triple feed with supply issues or while getting breastfeeding started. It sounds like you never had issues or never breastfed. I think the medical experts know what they are doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband just returned to work from paternity leave and I'm on maternity leave. He WFH most days out of the week, with some days at the office. Our newborn wakes up 2-3 times a night to eat. We had a system in place where we would take shifts - I went to bed after bedtime feeding and husband took first feeding to give me 4-5 hour uninterrupted stretch of sleep. I then handled the 1-2 additional wakings and he got up with him for the morning feed so I can sleep in. I know the mornings we need to be adjusted now that he is back to work, but he has since decided that he can no longer wake up a night with working. I think he is being unreasonable, but he thinks I should handle all of the night feeds since I will be home and able to nap. It's been very hard on me the last week doing it by myself and my husband won't budge. This has caused tension between us this past week that blew up into a big fight this past weekend. I'm very mad at him. Help me.

When I was on maternity leave and DH returned to work, I did ALL night feedings. WTH is wrong with you? That's the whole point of maternity leave - you don't have to work because you aren't sleeping doing night feedings. If you want to sleep, go back to work.

[phone]

[Anonymous]

This is really interesting. I had a baby in medical school and when my leave was over and my husband took over for his paternity leave, he told me to focus on school and he’d do all the feedings since he’d be home. This also motivated him to get her on a good sleep schedule. It made sense to me but I can see both sides.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband just returned to work from paternity leave and I'm on maternity leave. He WFH most days out of the week, with some days at the office. Our newborn wakes up 2-3 times a night to eat. We had a system in place where we would take shifts - I went to bed after bedtime feeding and husband took first feeding to give me 4-5 hour uninterrupted stretch of sleep. I then handled the 1-2 additional wakings and he got up with him for the morning feed so I can sleep in. I know the mornings we need to be adjusted now that he is back to work, but he has since decided that he can no longer wake up a night with working. I think he is being unreasonable, but he thinks I should handle all of the night feeds since I will be home and able to nap. It's been very hard on me the last week doing it by myself and my husband won't budge. This has caused tension between us this past week that blew up into a big fight this past weekend. I'm very mad at him. Help me.

When I was on maternity leave and DH returned to work, I did ALL night feedings. WTH is wrong with you? That's the whole point of maternity leave - you don't have to work because you aren't sleeping doing night feedings. If you want to sleep, go back to work.

[phone]

Isn’t the point of maternity leave to physically recover from childbirth? I’m in agreement with you guys that OP should just take the night feeds, I certainly did when my husband went back to work. But I definitely didn’t view maternity leave as some lavish vacation (I only had 6 weeks, so maybe it’s different if you get longer?)

[Anonymous]

OP’s DH is also a d!ck because he didn’t help carry the baby to term or birth it. When will this patriarchal bs finally stop?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's a long thread but people aren't reading carefully and then unleash on OP. There is room to criticize her but a lot of the vitriol is not commensurate with her faults.

OP have the age of her child several times (a few posters kept re-asking). Her story hasn't changed that much. She's not asking for her husband to take over all night feedings: she's asking for a 10 pm and a 6-7 am feed, which sounds like a reasonable ask, especially if you can shift baby's feeding schedule by 15 mins or so one way or another from those times.

Maternity leave or not. The first 6 weeks are for her body to physically recover, which won't happen if she's not sleeping at least some time consecutively. "Go back to work" - she is, but saying she has no leg to stand on whatsoever because she's not back at work at 5 weeks "if she wants to sleep" is bullshit, especially since she won't get to sleep anyway because someone has to get up and feed a baby that young, working or not.

Napping when baby naps is hard and not always possible and when possible does require self-discipline, which by the way also erodes with sleep deprivation. Her husband does a lot and that is commendable; perhaps there is something they can compromise on together in their values if she brings her issue to him, on the points of e.g. less work -intensive cooking or more formula. Husband can also make adjustments to hai workout routine until maternity leave is done.

Sleep training before the maternity leave ends is insane. I've never heard anyone doing it before 4 months, most after 6. Anyway that doesn't solve OP's problem now.

OP needs to learn some flexibility, which btw she will probably gain by child #2 as many uptight moms do (in all their initial commitment to cloth diapers, organic homemade baby food, etc.). She also needs to trust her gut and not just religiously follow what ped and hospital pamphlets say to do, which don't appear to have been written by actual parents ever (eg, "put your baby in a crib drowsy but awake," lol.) Because 5 peds will give 5 slightly different pieces of advice on some things. Like amtbe it's ok for her kid to sleep 4 hours in a row sometimes.

She has shown some flexibility and is saying she will hire someone and try to be more flexible with her other activities.

My twins slept 12 hours at 12 weeks. And I never let them cry it out. I simply charted their feedings and extended the times little by little until they did a 7 pm and a 7 am and had dropped the others. I'm not alone.

[Anonymous]

We had twins and my husband took off the first four weeks and then went back to work. I moved into the guest room near their room and took over the night feedings because I was still on maternity leave and he had a job (and was working out of the house). He helped with everything while he was home, and he did all the changing, etc. during the night of those first four weeks because I was recovering from a c-section so I basically just sat in bed and he'd bring me the babies. However, he didn't have a rigid 10-6 sleep schedule with an hour-long morning workout scheduled every day, and he did help before going to sleep and after waking up - it was just the middle of the night that I let him sleep uninterrupted.

I think OP's husband is an a$$ for insisting on his specific sleep schedule and workout times and being inflexible in figuring out a way to make a feeding or two work in there, but I also think OP is overly rigid and causing herself a lot of unnecessary problems. The two of them sound made for each other. Oh, and don't have another kid. You will not be able to handle it.

[Anonymous]

By his logic, at the very least he should be handling Friday and Saturday night feedings..because can’t he “sleep when the baby sleeps” on Saturday and sundays?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's a long thread but people aren't reading carefully and then unleash on OP. There is room to criticize her but a lot of the vitriol is not commensurate with her faults.

OP have the age of her child several times (a few posters kept re-asking). Her story hasn't changed that much. She's not asking for her husband to take over all night feedings: she's asking for a 10 pm and a 6-7 am feed, which sounds like a reasonable ask, especially if you can shift baby's feeding schedule by 15 mins or so one way or another from those times.

Maternity leave or not. The first 6 weeks are for her body to physically recover, which won't happen if she's not sleeping at least some time consecutively. "Go back to work" - she is, but saying she has no leg to stand on whatsoever because she's not back at work at 5 weeks "if she wants to sleep" is bullshit, especially since she won't get to sleep anyway because someone has to get up and feed a baby that young, working or not.

Napping when baby naps is hard and not always possible and when possible does require self-discipline, which by the way also erodes with sleep deprivation. Her husband does a lot and that is commendable; perhaps there is something they can compromise on together in their values if she brings her issue to him, on the points of e.g. less work -intensive cooking or more formula. Husband can also make adjustments to hai workout routine until maternity leave is done.

Sleep training before the maternity leave ends is insane. I've never heard anyone doing it before 4 months, most after 6. Anyway that doesn't solve OP's problem now.

OP needs to learn some flexibility, which btw she will probably gain by child #2 as many uptight moms do (in all their initial commitment to cloth diapers, organic homemade baby food, etc.). She also needs to trust her gut and not just religiously follow what ped and hospital pamphlets say to do, which don't appear to have been written by actual parents ever (eg, "put your baby in a crib drowsy but awake," lol.) Because 5 peds will give 5 slightly different pieces of advice on some things. Like amtbe it's ok for her kid to sleep 4 hours in a row sometimes.

She has shown some flexibility and is saying she will hire someone and try to be more flexible with her other activities.

I started sleep training at 2 weeks. By 6 weeks DS slept from 11 to 5ish.

[Anonymous]

I'm so glad my wife took two years off from work to raise our baby, and three years of breastfeeding. I went to work refreshed, never had to be involved in "night feedings."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a long thread but people aren't reading carefully and then unleash on OP. There is room to criticize her but a lot of the vitriol is not commensurate with her faults.

OP have the age of her child several times (a few posters kept re-asking). Her story hasn't changed that much. She's not asking for her husband to take over all night feedings: she's asking for a 10 pm and a 6-7 am feed, which sounds like a reasonable ask, especially if you can shift baby's feeding schedule by 15 mins or so one way or another from those times.

Maternity leave or not. The first 6 weeks are for her body to physically recover, which won't happen if she's not sleeping at least some time consecutively. "Go back to work" - she is, but saying she has no leg to stand on whatsoever because she's not back at work at 5 weeks "if she wants to sleep" is bullshit, especially since she won't get to sleep anyway because someone has to get up and feed a baby that young, working or not.

Napping when baby naps is hard and not always possible and when possible does require self-discipline, which by the way also erodes with sleep deprivation. Her husband does a lot and that is commendable; perhaps there is something they can compromise on together in their values if she brings her issue to him, on the points of e.g. less work -intensive cooking or more formula. Husband can also make adjustments to hai workout routine until maternity leave is done.

Sleep training before the maternity leave ends is insane. I've never heard anyone doing it before 4 months, most after 6. Anyway that doesn't solve OP's problem now.

OP needs to learn some flexibility, which btw she will probably gain by child #2 as many uptight moms do (in all their initial commitment to cloth diapers, organic homemade baby food, etc.). She also needs to trust her gut and not just religiously follow what ped and hospital pamphlets say to do, which don't appear to have been written by actual parents ever (eg, "put your baby in a crib drowsy but awake," lol.) Because 5 peds will give 5 slightly different pieces of advice on some things. Like amtbe it's ok for her kid to sleep 4 hours in a row sometimes.

She has shown some flexibility and is saying she will hire someone and try to be more flexible with her other activities.

My twins slept 12 hours at 12 weeks. And I never let them cry it out. I simply charted their feedings and extended the times little by little until they did a 7 pm and a 7 am and had dropped the others. I'm not alone.

This is not the normal. Most babies wake up for at least one feed until 6 months old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband just returned to work from paternity leave and I'm on maternity leave. He WFH most days out of the week, with some days at the office. Our newborn wakes up 2-3 times a night to eat. We had a system in place where we would take shifts - I went to bed after bedtime feeding and husband took first feeding to give me 4-5 hour uninterrupted stretch of sleep. I then handled the 1-2 additional wakings and he got up with him for the morning feed so I can sleep in. I know the mornings we need to be adjusted now that he is back to work, but he has since decided that he can no longer wake up a night with working. I think he is being unreasonable, but he thinks I should handle all of the night feeds since I will be home and able to nap. It's been very hard on me the last week doing it by myself and my husband won't budge. This has caused tension between us this past week that blew up into a big fight this past weekend. I'm very mad at him. Help me.

When I was on maternity leave and DH returned to work, I did ALL night feedings. WTH is wrong with you? That's the whole point of maternity leave - you don't have to work because you aren't sleeping doing night feedings. If you want to sleep, go back to work.

[phone]

Isn’t the point of maternity leave to physically recover from childbirth? I’m in agreement with you guys that OP should just take the night feeds, I certainly did when my husband went back to work. But I definitely didn’t view maternity leave as some lavish vacation (I only had 6 weeks, so maybe it’s different if you get longer?)

Agree with the previous PPs. But to your point, yes maternity leave is about recovery. Maternity leave for ONE newborn leaves you a lot of down time. They pretty much sleep and nurse all day while you plant yourself on a couch and feed them. Sure there is some light pickup and meal prep involved, but c’mon, it isn’t physically hard work. The hardest part is the wakings and the physical exhaustion that constant nursing and baby holding brings. But it isn’t like OP is running after two other kids as well (note to self OP, this is an easy as it will get for you)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband just returned to work from paternity leave and I'm on maternity leave. He WFH most days out of the week, with some days at the office. Our newborn wakes up 2-3 times a night to eat. We had a system in place where we would take shifts - I went to bed after bedtime feeding and husband took first feeding to give me 4-5 hour uninterrupted stretch of sleep. I then handled the 1-2 additional wakings and he got up with him for the morning feed so I can sleep in. I know the mornings we need to be adjusted now that he is back to work, but he has since decided that he can no longer wake up a night with working. I think he is being unreasonable, but he thinks I should handle all of the night feeds since I will be home and able to nap. It's been very hard on me the last week doing it by myself and my husband won't budge. This has caused tension between us this past week that blew up into a big fight this past weekend. I'm very mad at him. Help me.

When I was on maternity leave and DH returned to work, I did ALL night feedings. WTH is wrong with you? That's the whole point of maternity leave - you don't have to work because you aren't sleeping doing night feedings. If you want to sleep, go back to work.

This is a weird take to me. Only if you work are you allowed sleep? DH didnt grow a human for 9 months. DH didnt deplete many essential vitamins and minerals- even with supplementation, the body is depleted. DH doesnt have huge hormonal swings- OP have you had your night sweats yet? DH isnt breastfeeding, pumping, or using up any of the calories/energy that those require. DH isnt healing from childbirth.

Maternity leave is NOT for night feeds. Thats ridiculous. Some babies sleep 5-6 hours from week 4. Should those women not get maternity leave?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband just returned to work from paternity leave and I'm on maternity leave. He WFH most days out of the week, with some days at the office. Our newborn wakes up 2-3 times a night to eat. We had a system in place where we would take shifts - I went to bed after bedtime feeding and husband took first feeding to give me 4-5 hour uninterrupted stretch of sleep. I then handled the 1-2 additional wakings and he got up with him for the morning feed so I can sleep in. I know the mornings we need to be adjusted now that he is back to work, but he has since decided that he can no longer wake up a night with working. I think he is being unreasonable, but he thinks I should handle all of the night feeds since I will be home and able to nap. It's been very hard on me the last week doing it by myself and my husband won't budge. This has caused tension between us this past week that blew up into a big fight this past weekend. I'm very mad at him. Help me.

When I was on maternity leave and DH returned to work, I did ALL night feedings. WTH is wrong with you? That's the whole point of maternity leave - you don't have to work because you aren't sleeping doing night feedings. If you want to sleep, go back to work.

[phone]

Isn’t the point of maternity leave to physically recover from childbirth? I’m in agreement with you guys that OP should just take the night feeds, I certainly did when my husband went back to work. But I definitely didn’t view maternity leave as some lavish vacation (I only had 6 weeks, so maybe it’s different if you get longer?)

Agree with the previous PPs. But to your point, yes maternity leave is about recovery. Maternity leave for ONE newborn leaves you a lot of down time. They pretty much sleep and nurse all day while you plant yourself on a couch and feed them. Sure there is some light pickup and meal prep involved, but c’mon, it isn’t physically hard work. The hardest part is the wakings and the physical exhaustion that constant nursing and baby holding brings. But it isn’t like OP is running after two other kids as well (note to self OP, this is an easy as it will get for you)

ALL BABIES DO NOT DO THIS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband just returned to work from paternity leave and I'm on maternity leave. He WFH most days out of the week, with some days at the office. Our newborn wakes up 2-3 times a night to eat. We had a system in place where we would take shifts - I went to bed after bedtime feeding and husband took first feeding to give me 4-5 hour uninterrupted stretch of sleep. I then handled the 1-2 additional wakings and he got up with him for the morning feed so I can sleep in. I know the mornings we need to be adjusted now that he is back to work, but he has since decided that he can no longer wake up a night with working. I think he is being unreasonable, but he thinks I should handle all of the night feeds since I will be home and able to nap. It's been very hard on me the last week doing it by myself and my husband won't budge. This has caused tension between us this past week that blew up into a big fight this past weekend. I'm very mad at him. Help me.

When I was on maternity leave and DH returned to work, I did ALL night feedings. WTH is wrong with you? That's the whole point of maternity leave - you don't have to work because you aren't sleeping doing night feedings. If you want to sleep, go back to work.

[phone]

Isn’t the point of maternity leave to physically recover from childbirth? I’m in agreement with you guys that OP should just take the night feeds, I certainly did when my husband went back to work. But I definitely didn’t view maternity leave as some lavish vacation (I only had 6 weeks, so maybe it’s different if you get longer?)

Agree with the previous PPs. But to your point, yes maternity leave is about recovery. Maternity leave for ONE newborn leaves you a lot of down time. They pretty much sleep and nurse all day while you plant yourself on a couch and feed them. Sure there is some light pickup and meal prep involved, but c’mon, it isn’t physically hard work. The hardest part is the wakings and the physical exhaustion that constant nursing and baby holding brings. But it isn’t like OP is running after two other kids as well (note to self OP, this is an easy as it will get for you)

ALL BABIES DO NOT DO THIS.

DP.

I will take 9 hours of office work and 8 hours of night sleep over the sleeplessness in the newborn phase.

PP's comment downplays just how hard that "hardest part" is.

I almost had a psychological breakdown during that phase due to lack of sleep. DH and I were supposed to split the night time feeding, but I would go psycho every time the baby cried, and seize the baby from him. Then I would be sleep deprived and then go crazy. The cycle just kept going.