Husband refuses to help with night feedings

[Anonymous]

My husband just returned to work from paternity leave and I'm on maternity leave. He WFH most days out of the week, with some days at the office. Our newborn wakes up 2-3 times a night to eat. We had a system in place where we would take shifts - I went to bed after bedtime feeding and husband took first feeding to give me 4-5 hour uninterrupted stretch of sleep. I then handled the 1-2 additional wakings and he got up with him for the morning feed so I can sleep in. I know the mornings we need to be adjusted now that he is back to work, but he has since decided that he can no longer wake up a night with working. I think he is being unreasonable, but he thinks I should handle all of the night feeds since I will be home and able to nap. It's been very hard on me the last week doing it by myself and my husband won't budge. This has caused tension between us this past week that blew up into a big fight this past weekend. I'm very mad at him. Help me.

[Anonymous]

He's a jerk. Tell him the baby is both of your responsibility and that he needs to grow up.

[Anonymous]

How about he takes feeding until midnight, then you do through the night until he’s awake and he does a feeding before work?

[Anonymous]

This is one of the hardest times in your whole life. Try to have grace for yourself and for him.

I agree he’s in the wrong and needs to have at least a couple nights of bad sleep a week, and 50/50 when you go back to work.

But I also think it’s normal to get super possessive of your sleep and go a little nuts/not be yourself in the meantime.

[Anonymous]

He’s 100% wrong.

You need to give him three choices, all of which are predicated on the fact that it is not safe for you to care for a newborn without getting sleep, particularly while you are still recovering from delivery. His choices are as follows:

1. He takes one feed, per night, ideally the first one so he has plenty of time to get back to sleep for work.

2. You hire a night nurse 5x week. Hush Hush Little Baby was pretty solidly recommended pre-COVID. He still wakes up on weekends.

3. A friend or relative of your choice moves in for awhile, probably your mother, to step into the role your husband is abdicating as parent.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, I’m with your husband. The rule in our house was that there needed to be one person getting uninterrupted sleep. Two adults with interrupted sleep was a disaster. Since I was nursing that meant that I was up with the baby. Spouse slept.

BUT…it was all hands on deck. Because I was up with the baby, that meant I needed to nap during the day. I wasn’t doing all the meals or laundry. Spouse would come home from work and take the baby so I get some alone time. No one complained about the house not looking perfect. Groceries were delivered or take out ordered.

[Anonymous]

Husbands should certainly help with all aspects of infant care, but in this case I am in his camp and not yours. You are on leave which is intended to account for the fact that you are up multiple times in the night for feedings and would be largely useless in the work setting because of short term chronic sleep deprivation. But you want your husband to be sleep deprived when he is back on the job full time and expected to be fully functioning? That doesn’t make sense to me. His job performance will be impacted and he could be harmed in the job by poor decisions he makes or poor communication he engages in with coworkers or supervisors while sleep deprived. How would that help your family?
Surely there must be other places he could pick up slack during his waking hours so you would have less on your plate while you deal with the inevitable consequences of sleep derivation. If that’s not enough and you are going to let the resentment ruin your marriage, maybe it is worth it for you to invest as a family in a short term of night nannying.

[Anonymous]

Does he drive to the office?

On days he drives, I would say he doesn't get up overnight. Sleep deprivation is a major risk factor for traffic accidents and I prioritize safety and life over making sure everything is 50/50.

Otherwise as long as he is getting 6 ish hours of sleep so he can do his job, then he should be doing some night feedings.

If you aren't getting enough sleep to cope and he doesn't care, that is a bigger issue than trying to be sure both people get up x number of times a night to be sure everything is 50/50. The 50/50 things is really hard to maintain in life as contexts are different and it is better to have a collaborative approach than a ticking boxes about who does what for how many minutes. It sounds like he felt that 50/50 was fair when you were both off work but not fair when he is back at work.

Focus on what you should be mad at - that at a time when you are struggling, he isn't able to be supportive, brainstorm solutions, work with you as a team. Focusing on - well I got up 12 times and you only got up 9 isn't going to get you anywhere.

[Anonymous]

If you can’t afford to outsource help from a night nurse, your dh will have to take one feeding so that you can get a good 4 hour stretch of sleep every night. It’s not really negotiable; you can’t function without it. He can choose which one suits his schedule the best, but he can’t abdicate all responsibility. You also need to alternate sleeping in on weekend mornings. People with newborns need to prioritize sleep or it doesn’t happen.

[Anonymous]

It depends upon what kind of job he has and how much he makes. OP is not working right now so doesn't have to concentrate during the day??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does he drive to the office?

On days he drives, I would say he doesn't get up overnight. Sleep deprivation is a major risk factor for traffic accidents and I prioritize safety and life over making sure everything is 50/50.

Otherwise as long as he is getting 6 ish hours of sleep so he can do his job, then he should be doing some night feedings.

If you aren't getting enough sleep to cope and he doesn't care, that is a bigger issue than trying to be sure both people get up x number of times a night to be sure everything is 50/50. The 50/50 things is really hard to maintain in life as contexts are different and it is better to have a collaborative approach than a ticking boxes about who does what for how many minutes. It sounds like he felt that 50/50 was fair when you were both off work but not fair when he is back at work.

Focus on what you should be mad at - that at a time when you are struggling, he isn't able to be supportive, brainstorm solutions, work with you as a team. Focusing on - well I got up 12 times and you only got up 9 isn't going to get you anywhere.

So OP should drive her newborn sleep deprived? I agree with you driving while sleep deprived is dangerous, but it’s not less dangerous for the person driving a newborn to the pediatrician.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he drive to the office?

On days he drives, I would say he doesn't get up overnight. Sleep deprivation is a major risk factor for traffic accidents and I prioritize safety and life over making sure everything is 50/50.

Otherwise as long as he is getting 6 ish hours of sleep so he can do his job, then he should be doing some night feedings.

If you aren't getting enough sleep to cope and he doesn't care, that is a bigger issue than trying to be sure both people get up x number of times a night to be sure everything is 50/50. The 50/50 things is really hard to maintain in life as contexts are different and it is better to have a collaborative approach than a ticking boxes about who does what for how many minutes. It sounds like he felt that 50/50 was fair when you were both off work but not fair when he is back at work.

Focus on what you should be mad at - that at a time when you are struggling, he isn't able to be supportive, brainstorm solutions, work with you as a team. Focusing on - well I got up 12 times and you only got up 9 isn't going to get you anywhere.

So OP should drive her newborn sleep deprived? I agree with you driving while sleep deprived is dangerous, but it’s not less dangerous for the person driving a newborn to the pediatrician.

Why would she be driving her newborn to the pediatrician repeatedly? Yes, if she has to drive somewhere, then her sleep becomes important to. Most people don't take their newborn out multiple times a week alone to the pediatrician.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he drive to the office?

On days he drives, I would say he doesn't get up overnight. Sleep deprivation is a major risk factor for traffic accidents and I prioritize safety and life over making sure everything is 50/50.

Otherwise as long as he is getting 6 ish hours of sleep so he can do his job, then he should be doing some night feedings.

If you aren't getting enough sleep to cope and he doesn't care, that is a bigger issue than trying to be sure both people get up x number of times a night to be sure everything is 50/50. The 50/50 things is really hard to maintain in life as contexts are different and it is better to have a collaborative approach than a ticking boxes about who does what for how many minutes. It sounds like he felt that 50/50 was fair when you were both off work but not fair when he is back at work.

Focus on what you should be mad at - that at a time when you are struggling, he isn't able to be supportive, brainstorm solutions, work with you as a team. Focusing on - well I got up 12 times and you only got up 9 isn't going to get you anywhere.

So OP should drive her newborn sleep deprived? I agree with you driving while sleep deprived is dangerous, but it’s not less dangerous for the person driving a newborn to the pediatrician.

Why would she be driving her newborn to the pediatrician repeatedly? Yes, if she has to drive somewhere, then her sleep becomes important to. Most people don't take their newborn out multiple times a week alone to the pediatrician.

Have you never had a newborn? They’re seen every couple of weeks. More so if there are feeding or any other issues. Mom may also need to leave the house for PT or other postpartum care. She’s the one with the infant in the car, she’s the one recovering from delivering the baby, and she’s the one who is at risk for PPD exacerbated by sleep deprivation. The safety first argument is all for moms sleep.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is working. How is he supposed to do his job with no sleep? You are asking way too much of him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is working. How is he supposed to do his job with no sleep? You are asking way too much of him.

What’s the man baby going to do when his wife goes back to work? What will his excuse be then?