Husband refuses to help with night feedings

[Anonymous]

OP whatever you law you do. At your next OB visit get an IUD. He’s telling you what kind of parent and partner he is, and while he might improve, I would not take any chances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband just returned to work from paternity leave and I'm on maternity leave. He WFH most days out of the week, with some days at the office. Our newborn wakes up 2-3 times a night to eat. We had a system in place where we would take shifts - I went to bed after bedtime feeding and husband took first feeding to give me 4-5 hour uninterrupted stretch of sleep. I then handled the 1-2 additional wakings and he got up with him for the morning feed so I can sleep in. I know the mornings we need to be adjusted now that he is back to work, but he has since decided that he can no longer wake up a night with working. I think he is being unreasonable, but he thinks I should handle all of the night feeds since I will be home and able to nap. It's been very hard on me the last week doing it by myself and my husband won't budge. This has caused tension between us this past week that blew up into a big fight this past weekend. I'm very mad at him. Help me.

Why not get a couple of naps during the day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is working. How is he supposed to do his job with no sleep? You are asking way too much of him.

I think you’re confused. She’s not asking him to split night feeds 50/50. She’s just asking not to have to do 100% of them.

[Anonymous]

I have a very different perspective here as the parent of a kid with a genetic disorder. My kid hasn’t slept through the night in 13 years, and she never will. The reality is that both parents have to figure out how to pitch in here. I generally think the husband is wrong, but it is hard to tell without specific numbers on the table. Is there an 11 pm wake-up and he can sleep midnight to 7am? If so, his butt my needs to be up and doing this feeding. If he cannot get more than 4 hours of sleep in a row, Can he do both nights of the weekend while you catch up? Can you afford a night nurse? The reality is that all options need to be on the table.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a very different perspective here as the parent of a kid with a genetic disorder. My kid hasn’t slept through the night in 13 years, and she never will. The reality is that both parents have to figure out how to pitch in here. I generally think the husband is wrong, but it is hard to tell without specific numbers on the table. Is there an 11 pm wake-up and he can sleep midnight to 7am? If so, his butt my needs to be up and doing this feeding. If he cannot get more than 4 hours of sleep in a row, Can he do both nights of the weekend while you catch up? Can you afford a night nurse? The reality is that all options need to be on the table.

And agree with the other poster, DO NOT HAVE MORE KIDS. He has shown you who he is. Unless he does a massive about face very quickly, believe him — this is all you may ever get.

[Anonymous]

I know it’s hard to do, but whoever gets up at night, MUST get daytime naps. It takes extreme self-discipline.

[Anonymous]

If bedtime feeding is around 8, you need to be religious about going to bed & he should be ‘on-call’ through midnight and hopefully you get 4 solid hours of sleep. DH can then be off 12-6 and maybe do first feeding in morning, extending your sleep - especially if he’s wfh and not commuting. This period should be over soon and baby sleeping much longer but if not you need another plan!

[Anonymous]

Hubby does any feeding between 7-8 and 11-12. You need to decide what is best for you. After midnight, you are on deck. Let hubby do any feedings between 6-9ish.

You need to learn to sleep when the baby sleeps during these hard weeks. So if that means you don’t clean, cook, or do laundry, so be it. He can make sandwiches, throw a load in, and mop the floor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If bedtime feeding is around 8, you need to be religious about going to bed & he should be ‘on-call’ through midnight and hopefully you get 4 solid hours of sleep. DH can then be off 12-6 and maybe do first feeding in morning, extending your sleep.

This is how we handled it, although last feed and putting baby to bed was closer to 7 pm. DH handled the first feed about five hours later, and I did the two after that during the night, usually 2 and 4 am or 3 and 5. It worked pretty well but required me to go to bed super early. I was never able to nap during the day - I am just not a napper - but the key for me was getting that solid chunk of uninterrupted sleep.

When we had kids two and three, I needed to be fully functional during the day to do preschool driving (SAHM). We hired a night nurse for the first three weeks. It’s expensive but worth every penny especially since it’s just a short term period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How about he takes feeding until midnight, then you do through the night until he’s awake and he does a feeding before work?

OP here. This is similar to what we are doing now. I feed the baby ( 5 weeks old) his last feed around 10pm, shower, and go to bed. He will wake up around 1am and my husband will feed him. He wakes up from there 1-2 times more - around 3/4 and 5/6am and I get up with him. My husband would do the morning feed at 7/8am. Now he works 8am - 5/6pm most days and doesn't think he can wake up at 1am or doing the morning feed because he is getting ready around 7am.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is working. How is he supposed to do his job with no sleep? You are asking way too much of him.

This is complete bs. Many women (myself included) have had to go back to work in person at 6-8 weeks post partum (and some much earlier than that!) Still bleeding in some cases, waking up multiple times throughout the night to nurse and somehow manage to adequately perform our day jobs. But god forbid this new father doesn’t get his 8 hour of sleep. How could he possibly function??

[Anonymous]

OP, another thing to consider is how long you expect to be getting up multiple times a night. You don't say how old baby is (2 weeks? 3 months?) but this tough stretch is usually short-lived. Also, many experienced parents I know use a bottle for the last feeding of the night (even if BF otherwise) b/c formula digests more slowly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How about he takes feeding until midnight, then you do through the night until he’s awake and he does a feeding before work?

+1

He still needs to help but maybe a different Night Shift?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, I’m with your husband. The rule in our house was that there needed to be one person getting uninterrupted sleep. Two adults with interrupted sleep was a disaster. Since I was nursing that meant that I was up with the baby. Spouse slept.

BUT…it was all hands on deck. Because I was up with the baby, that meant I needed to nap during the day. I wasn’t doing all the meals or laundry. Spouse would come home from work and take the baby so I get some alone time. No one complained about the house not looking perfect. Groceries were delivered or take out ordered.

Haha sounds like a great rule for your husband. So essentially you do all the work and he comes home and orders takeout/doesn’t scold you for not cleaning the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does he drive to the office?

On days he drives, I would say he doesn't get up overnight. Sleep deprivation is a major risk factor for traffic accidents and I prioritize safety and life over making sure everything is 50/50.

Otherwise as long as he is getting 6 ish hours of sleep so he can do his job, then he should be doing some night feedings.

If you aren't getting enough sleep to cope and he doesn't care, that is a bigger issue than trying to be sure both people get up x number of times a night to be sure everything is 50/50. The 50/50 things is really hard to maintain in life as contexts are different and it is better to have a collaborative approach than a ticking boxes about who does what for how many minutes. It sounds like he felt that 50/50 was fair when you were both off work but not fair when he is back at work.

Focus on what you should be mad at - that at a time when you are struggling, he isn't able to be supportive, brainstorm solutions, work with you as a team. Focusing on - well I got up 12 times and you only got up 9 isn't going to get you anywhere.

OP here. He will work from home 95% of the time. He only needs to go into work maybe 1-2 times a month. He does drive those days and I would have no problem handling the night feeds by myself when he does have to go into work. I did offer him a solution to go to bed earlier to feed but he said no.