I was so naive re marriage, career and kids

[Anonymous]

I did everything as a single mom. Everything with no help. It is tough. If I were to do it all again, I would have had an au pair or nanny. My married friends were always fighting about who did what and fairness. All had husbands who were hands on dads and they still had issues until they did a heart to heart. One did counseling and that helped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get an au pair.

Not a great idea since au pairs typically have absolutely zero childcare experience or education for that matter.

They are just young girls who want to live in the U.S.

My SIL is like you OP and she got an au pair. It’s made their live so much easier with 3 kids.

[Anonymous]

According to this thread, when a man works 60 hours a week it's to support his family and it is his contribution to the household. But when a woman works 60 hours a week the extra hours are a hobby, replacing any free time, and show that she's a terrible mother.

OP, as you'll see from the examples on this thread, when couples find it too hard to make it work with 40 hour + 60 hour work weeks, usually the lower earning spouse steps back. All of the misogynists on this thread are telling you to cut back your hours--have you asked your husband to step back? He's the lower earning spouse right? Why can't he go part time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: Gm. How can I outsource more cooking? Serious question. Again, I’m happy to eat take out, sandwich, cereal. When I stay late at work, they also cover my dinner. But especially for the baby (for those who asked I like calling him that way - he’s my baby!). The Tiny Organics is pretty healthy but he eats a lot! The portions are so small.

Hire a personal chef to come and cook meals that can be heated quickly. I’m sure you can get someone to come 2x week.

You don’t need a personal chef to make baby food. Whoever comes on the weekend can help you prep meals in advance to freeze.

[Anonymous]

I think before you got married you should have had a serious conversation. In general men just cannot balance these things the way a woman would probably want them to. I know there are some men that are good at it. But if you're a person that's always going to be upset about how they just can't get it right you need to discuss having dedicated help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP it is pointless to take advice from SAHMs who don’t understand your situation. You have already heard from many working moms who are telling you to either outsource or hammer things out with your spouse. Getting that balance right can feel quite overwhelming, and it’s always a work in progress up until it just suddenly ends because the kid is older or things shift at work.

I will just add that the first years of a child are the hardest on a marriage, around years 2-3 is often when people report a lot of stress. Pregnancy and nursing is a time that many women, SAH or WOH, feel like they are having an experience the husband simply can’t understand. And when you get 2 years in the tiredness and frustration adds up. Just keep in mind this is temporary and the feeling that you are drowning in things undone will pass. With it will go the resentment at your spouse. I fully understand where you are coming from and honestly would be very frustrated with my spouse if he 1) did not want me to get a lower paying job but 2) sat on his butt reading a newspaper or playing a video game while I worked from 6:30 AM to midnight with no time for myself. I get it. Having a family and a career means sacrifices from both people, and getting the balance right for your family takes time.

I’m a sahm now but I used to be a working mom.

Op, I would switch to a nanny plus preschool. Nanny can feed the kid, drive the kid, pick up the kid, do kids laundry, clean kids toys and feed dinner. Nanny can take kid to music class, art class, tot soccer, swim class and any other enrichment activities you see fit. It is usually better than just daycare. If you decide to have another child at some point, it would also be helpful.

I have had a FT nanny, PT nanny, summer nanny, housekeeper come everyday, PT cook, tutors, drivers, preschool with aftercare, elementary after care before decided to stay home.

The baby years are the easiest to outsource. You feel bad when the kid is older and you don’t do play dates. Then your kid hits elementary and they have all these activities. I had one kid in elementary and one in preschool plus extended care and had gotten rid of the nanny by then. My mistake was to not keep a FT nanny even if my kids were at school for 7-8 hours per day. Reliable good part time help was impossible to find. When I wrote the description of pick up kids, give them a snack, help with homework, take kids to sports and playground, I realized I wanted to be the one to do this. Then I had a third child shortly after and have been home ever since.

Dh earned around 800k when I decided to stay home. He didn’t have a flexible schedule then. Now he earns $2m+.

The recommendation is good but obviously 99.9 percent of the Dmv is not making $2 million a year so adjust accordingly to your salary. Live in an apartment for awhile I guess if you want to outsource and save money.

I was just responding to the pp who said it was pointless to take advice from SAHMs.

My advice to OP and anyone else who wants to keep the big career is to keep the FT nanny. That is the only way to truly keep a big career.

I just got in an argument with Dh on how I was responsible for drop off, pick up, all activities, every sick day, every doctor appointment, etc. you don’t end up earning $2m+ by leaving work because the school calls you that your kid had a fever and then miss the next day or 2 because kid has to be med free fever free for 24 hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think before you got married you should have had a serious conversation. In general men just cannot balance these things the way a woman would probably want them to. I know there are some men that are good at it. But if you're a person that's always going to be upset about how they just can't get it right you need to discuss having dedicated help.

Come on. No one has these detailed conversations before marriage.

I’m the pp sahm with $2m earning spouse.

I am double ivy educated and earned more than Dh when we got married and when we had our first child. I hated missing bedtime and missed my baby terribly. Never in a million years would I think I would be a sahm. I thought I would be the breadwinner and Dh would be the default parent. I genuinely thought I could have it all and I tried for years. At the end of the day, I wanted to chaperone field trips and go to school on Fridays and lead the class in a fun activity or read a book to the class. I wanted to go to the school Halloween parade in the middle of the work day. I hated that sad look my kid had when I couldn’t attend his preschool class party and there was one for every freakin occasion. Some moms may not feel guilty but I always did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think before you got married you should have had a serious conversation. In general men just cannot balance these things the way a woman would probably want them to. I know there are some men that are good at it. But if you're a person that's always going to be upset about how they just can't get it right you need to discuss having dedicated help.

Come on. No one has these detailed conversations before marriage.

I’m the pp sahm with $2m earning spouse.

I am double ivy educated and earned more than Dh when we got married and when we had our first child. I hated missing bedtime and missed my baby terribly. Never in a million years would I think I would be a sahm. I thought I would be the breadwinner and Dh would be the default parent. I genuinely thought I could have it all and I tried for years. At the end of the day, I wanted to chaperone field trips and go to school on Fridays and lead the class in a fun activity or read a book to the class. I wanted to go to the school Halloween parade in the middle of the work day. I hated that sad look my kid had when I couldn’t attend his preschool class party and there was one for every freakin occasion. Some moms may not feel guilty but I always did.

DP. I had that conversation with my spouse before marriage. We decided that both of us having a serious career was important to us. I am senior enough now to flex my hours. I pick them up, give them snacks, do parties at school, and take them to activities. My husband is a full partner and he does drop offs and doctor appointments plus a lot of the cooking and laundry. We’re a team and this was decided before marriage. I also deliberately married someone whose mom had had a big career to make sure he would understand what it was about. I’ve seen too many women step back — there are pluses and minuses to every road, but I didn’t want to be feeling unappreciated, bored, or resentful of my kids. It is more important to my husband that I’m happy than that he gets to gun it at work while I do everything at home. That was our balance, every couple has to figure out their priorities and go from there. If you’re lucky enough to have choices you need to make it work for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I don’t know where you get that feeling from OP.

As someone from a two-career household, I have no idea how OP does what she does. There is no way — NO WAY — one of us could have sat around and played video games all day on a weekend, for the first three years of our first child’s life. For one, we were both always spending time with the child. But when we weren’t doing that there was a ton of work to keep the household running and be on top of life admin. We had time for work and family and that was pretty much it! So I don’t get how the husband has this schedule, at all… that would have meant dropping a lot on the other parent in our house.

OP cooks, does laundry, does all the kid infrastructure like buying clothes and supplies, booking childcare, buying toys and looking for toddler classes…, all the shopping, plus a ton of other admin including financial. What dad works 60 hours a week and does all this? I can’t imagine any of them doing that. There is such a double standard for women on this board. It is unbelievable. Women really hold themselves back with all this “you are the Mom” and “just cut back your hours” crap.

Men who work 60 hrs marry women who stay home or work part time. They don’t expect their spouse to work 45 hours and do everything else. They have ONE child - they both should have, and deserve, time to relax on the weekend. If OP can’t make that happen with her job, that’s on her. She “cooks” for the toddler - she says above she barely eats for herself. The other things you listen either take barely any time for a toddler or are totally unnecessary (eg toddler classes….). She says she does all “repairs” - but they have a condo! It sounds like her husband does nearly all of the day-to-day childcare.

This is a fascinating fairy tale you've told yourself. My DH works ~60 hours and is the primary earner, but I work ~40-45 and still have what would be considered a high-paying, demanding job. DH wanted more than the 2 kids we have, and he's not unusual.

One difference, though, is that DH is okay with a lot more outsourcing than OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're working too much. 60 hours a week as a regular schedule is simply too much for a mother with young child(ren.) Sorry, but that's reality.

Dial it back until your youngest is in kindergarten. Then you can refocus on this big career of yours.

OP: he’s not dialing back. He wants more responsibility and said he will work as many hours as he needs if given the opportunity. Why do I have to give up when he can do whatever he wants?

I think you should work less because you are a mother and your children will only be this young for a short time. I would say the same thing if you were a man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I don’t know where you get that feeling from OP.

As someone from a two-career household, I have no idea how OP does what she does. There is no way — NO WAY — one of us could have sat around and played video games all day on a weekend, for the first three years of our first child’s life. For one, we were both always spending time with the child. But when we weren’t doing that there was a ton of work to keep the household running and be on top of life admin. We had time for work and family and that was pretty much it! So I don’t get how the husband has this schedule, at all… that would have meant dropping a lot on the other parent in our house.

OP cooks, does laundry, does all the kid infrastructure like buying clothes and supplies, booking childcare, buying toys and looking for toddler classes…, all the shopping, plus a ton of other admin including financial. What dad works 60 hours a week and does all this? I can’t imagine any of them doing that. There is such a double standard for women on this board. It is unbelievable. Women really hold themselves back with all this “you are the Mom” and “just cut back your hours” crap.

Men who work 60 hrs marry women who stay home or work part time. They don’t expect their spouse to work 45 hours and do everything else. They have ONE child - they both should have, and deserve, time to relax on the weekend. If OP can’t make that happen with her job, that’s on her. She “cooks” for the toddler - she says above she barely eats for herself. The other things you listen either take barely any time for a toddler or are totally unnecessary (eg toddler classes….). She says she does all “repairs” - but they have a condo! It sounds like her husband does nearly all of the day-to-day childcare.

This is a fascinating fairy tale you've told yourself. My DH works ~60 hours and is the primary earner, but I work ~40-45 and still have what would be considered a high-paying, demanding job. DH wanted more than the 2 kids we have, and he's not unusual.

One difference, though, is that DH is okay with a lot more outsourcing than OP.

+1 dual career, more than one kid, husband does his share at home. I think a lot of people on here are projecting their experiences on OP. Not sure if she needs to be taking advice from people whose husbands expected them to stay home, either explicitly or implicitly by not agreeing to step up. It doesn’t sound like that is really her situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're working too much. 60 hours a week as a regular schedule is simply too much for a mother with young child(ren.) Sorry, but that's reality.

Dial it back until your youngest is in kindergarten. Then you can refocus on this big career of yours.

OP: he’s not dialing back. He wants more responsibility and said he will work as many hours as he needs if given the opportunity. Why do I have to give up when he can do whatever he wants?

I think you should work less because you are a mother and your children will only be this young for a short time. I would say the same thing if you were a man.

Do you think her husband should stop playing video games seven hours a day on the weekend because his kid will only be young once? I can’t imagine any woman doing that, honestly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: Gm. How can I outsource more cooking? Serious question. Again, I’m happy to eat take out, sandwich, cereal. When I stay late at work, they also cover my dinner. But especially for the baby (for those who asked I like calling him that way - he’s my baby!). The Tiny Organics is pretty healthy but he eats a lot! The portions are so small.

OP, I haven't read the entire thread...but what I did read suggests that outsourcing more cooking isn't really the problem. You want to feel cared for, and you don't. You mention your DH not asking if you want something when he buys lunch for himself. That would make me really sad too. My DH skews a little self-centered, but he cooks extra eggs when he makes breakfast, brings me coffee, etc. Little things to remind me that he knows I'm in the house and have needs.

If I were you, I'd probably start looking at this through a relationship lens, not a household division of labor lens. Because that's what the bigger problem seems to be. You don't feel cared for, and you need that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t read this whole 20 page thread but did OP state how much she actually makes?

Also OP I am a full time working mom (40 hours a week) with 3 kids and my DH works anywhere between 50-80 hours a week. I do 95% of the childcare, admin stuff, household stuff, etc. he helps when he can which usually means doing some dishes when he has time, taking the trash out and outdoor maintenance when he has time. We have a landscaper and a cleaning team (who comes every 2 weeks). Other than that I do everything. It can be done.

Good that it works for you. But that sounds absolutely miserable to me. For both you and your spouse. You’re both over worked (him w his job and you w your job plus almost all the childcare/household stuff). I wouldn’t want to live my life that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok. I was team DH until I learned he doesn’t want OP to switch to a job with fewer hours.

Because he’d lose his excuse to do nothing and pay housekeeper to make his bed daily.

I’ve begged told my slob work addict husband I hate his income and all it represents. I’d much prefer him downshift to a $200-300k all in job and BE PRESENT at home for the kids, me and house. He does not do it. He likely doesn’t want to do it. Work saps him of energy and brain power, but that’s all he thinks he can or wants to do. He keeps coming home empty to ignore us, do nothing but TV time and make messes. He wants to be left alone and have zero responsibilities.

These types are terrible spouses and parents and roommates. They say they care, they talk the socially acceptable response, but don’t do it, time and time again. They ruin relationships and the marriage. All to hide at work.