I was so naive re marriage, career and kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:According to this thread, when a man works 60 hours a week it's to support his family and it is his contribution to the household. But when a woman works 60 hours a week the extra hours are a hobby, replacing any free time, and show that she's a terrible mother.

OP, as you'll see from the examples on this thread, when couples find it too hard to make it work with 40 hour + 60 hour work weeks, usually the lower earning spouse steps back. All of the misogynists on this thread are telling you to cut back your hours--have you asked your husband to step back? He's the lower earning spouse right? Why can't he go part time?

Have you actually READ any of the posts? OP expects her husband do the work of a SAHD but he's not a SAHD and he doesn't want to be. She can't control his behaviors, she can only control her own. So she needs to talk to him about equally splitting responsibilities.

I've read all of the posts and I think it's crazy that people seem to think it's "fair" that housework is split evenly. No way. She's the breadwinner. That was discussed and agreed before kids. That has always meant the lesser earning spouse with fewer hours takes on more house stuff. This isn't controversial at all when it's the *woman* who works less. Of course the woman does more when her husband works a big job with long hours.
I've literally never heard of the household stuff being split evenly in that situation. Never.

So why shouldn't her husband be doing more than 50% of household stuff? Because people are terribly sexist that's why. They want her to cut back so the *man* can be the breadwinner. No way. He needs to step up and support her career. Women will never ever close the pay gap if 50% is always "equal." It's not.

No two career couple with a young child has time for video games. No way.

[Anonymous]

The difference between a SAH parent and a working parent is that the baby is in daycare during the day. All of the other stuff still has to get done. Asking the dad to step up and contribute isn't asking him to be a SAHD--the kid is in daycare. He's not doing childcare all day. Stop pretending OP is asking him to watch the baby while working. That's just false.

[Anonymous]

The reason why they split the childcare is he does not want to deal with the kid for more than a few hours on the weekend. He wants his free time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you must divorce and give him full custody of the child. If he wants a mom for the his brat, he can find another mom for the child.

You go and live your life.

Seriously, do you have children? ‘The child’ , ‘the brat’ is OP’s son/daughter not a puppy that can be rehomed

[Anonymous]

Why on earth did OP agree to have a kid in the first place? She clearly doesn’t want one and and that entails. Should have divorced her DH and married one of the millions of men out there who don’t want children either.

Poor kid. It’s too late now.

[Anonymous]

And get an au pair. Surprised someone like you doesn’t have one already. Let the au pair and your DH to divide the childcare and everything that entails and you can just work and play with the baby whenever you are in the mood.

Plenty of men do this. You can too.

[Anonymous]

Plenty of men want children and beg to have children. But then fail to parent like they should. OP probably believed in equitable parenting and division of labor, as I did. It was a huge wake up call to me and how family responsibilities are still very unequal. One and done for me!

[Anonymous]

OP

Yes all happy marriages I know have the woman working less than the man and the man contributing. Notice that that They’re not staying at home but they are doing most of the childcare and housework. And if the guy takes the baby to the park 2 hours on Sunday and also does bedtime twice a week everything is great because they’re a great provider and an involved dad. In some cases the woman still makes more than the men but she managed to figure out a way to work less.

[Anonymous]

OP

men just simply want to relax more

My husband decided he wants to spend more time relaxing - he said he wants to do childcare 2-3 hours per weekend day max unless both of us are ok the deck so that he can use that time to see his friends, run play video and games and relax. We ha da dicuaisk and he said childcare is tiring and he lives the baby very much but he needs his time.

So he asked me to hire a consistent weekends babysitter if I am not available so that he can have free time.

He wants 10-12 hours per day of baby free time like he did pre baby.

TBH I hate that but that’s where we are.

And note that he’s not using that to work or do something useful. He wants that amount of time to HAVE fun every weekend.

[Anonymous]

OP
I do have a few friends where the guy is a hedge fund manager and the couple outsource most of weekend care so that they can work or have fun.

I should have probably married one of these guys. Would have been better off instead of relying on my own work and money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And get an au pair. Surprised someone like you doesn’t have one already. Let the au pair and your DH to divide the childcare and everything that entails and you can just work and play with the baby whenever you are in the mood.

Plenty of men do this. You can too.

This is really the best solution for your OP.

It doesn’t matter what other couples are doing, or what your expectations were before kids (sounds naive on both ends) - you have to figure out what works for you both and what works for you both now.

[Anonymous]

Two parents working a combined 100 plus hours per week need to outsource household tasks and childcare, or it won’t work. You either outsource or reduce hours (one or both of you). The current expectations are not reasonable.

-doctors wife who also works

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP

men just simply want to relax more

My husband decided he wants to spend more time relaxing - he said he wants to do childcare 2-3 hours per weekend day max unless both of us are ok the deck so that he can use that time to see his friends, run play video and games and relax. We ha da dicuaisk and he said childcare is tiring and he lives the baby very much but he needs his time.

So he asked me to hire a consistent weekends babysitter if I am not available so that he can have free time.

He wants 10-12 hours per day of baby free time like he did pre baby.

TBH I hate that but that’s where we are.

And note that he’s not using that to work or do something useful. He wants that amount of time to HAVE fun every weekend.

Oh the horror: A man with one toddler thinks he should be able to have some fun on the weekend. OP, you are a seriously weird workaholic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP
I do have a few friends where the guy is a hedge fund manager and the couple outsource most of weekend care so that they can work or have fun.

I should have probably married one of these guys. Would have been better off instead of relying on my own work and money.

If you outsource that much childcare, you probably should not have children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Plenty of men want children and beg to have children. But then fail to parent like they should. OP probably believed in equitable parenting and division of labor, as I did. It was a huge wake up call to me and how family responsibilities are still very unequal. One and done for me!

Kids are a prop to many men.

If they’re even in the house, they just swing by when convenient, demand a hug & kiss on command, snap some social media photos, and walk off emailing on their phones. Oh, and they say Hi to their wife or the nanny as they walk by.

#fathering #ignorance #neglect