I was so naive re marriage, career and kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cooking isn’t a childcare duty. It’s not realistic that just because he is a primary caregiver, he should automatically be the cook while still working 45 hours a week.

So why is it her duty if she works 60 hours per week?

It should be both. Trade off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you hiring the baby sitter? Can he just hire one himself?

Tho honestly I’d throw the video game system away. If he’s neglecting his kids because of it, it’s gotta go.

He plays every day!

Who cares? I read every day - should my spouse toss my books?

When you read, do you neglect your kids? Who's taking care of your kids while you are reading?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: Im just so annoyed. Before kid, he keeps saying he will cook for the baby, take him to classes, love to spend time with him. Why promise all of this stuff if he cannot follow through?

My friends who work fewer hours than their husband and make less are all happier and have better relationships as long as the guy does something and is not lazy.

Did he say he would cook for the two of you, or for the baby? Take on all laundry and meal prep and house cleaning? Because you seem to be expecting the role of a stay at home spouse, but you don’t have that. You have a working spouse who handles most of the hands on childcare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP you work too much.

I'm the higher earner in my household (by a hair) and neither my DH nor I work that many hours a week, except in rare circumstances - major project deadline, etc.

You need to prioritize your marriage and your self-care.

You need to have another conversation about admin stuff and lay out the explicit list of things you want him to do and say that's part of being a primary caregiver. Or hire it out (part-time nanny, etc.)

Op: he does not want to do them because he wants to relax. He has 6-7 hours without kids both days during the weekend. And 3 hours every day of the week when he does not do childcare not chores. How is that not enough!

I think your husband is just not cut out to be what you want, OP. My husband and I never had much time to ourselves when our kids were little. We both work and we were both very hands on. My husband did most of the drop off pick ups and all the cooking, plus more.

Yes it was a stressful time. Yes you can throw money at the problem. And yes your husband is just not stepping up. The reality is he doesn’t want to be doing as much caregiving as he said previously and as you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you hiring the baby sitter? Can he just hire one himself?

Tho honestly I’d throw the video game system away. If he’s neglecting his kids because of it, it’s gotta go.

He plays every day!

Who cares? I read every day - should my spouse toss my books?

When you read, do you neglect your kids? Who's taking care of your kids while you are reading?

No evidence dad is neglecting his kids. You can read or play video games as a hobby without neglecting your kids. Every deserves downtime without a spouse threatening to THROW AWAY their things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP:
I come home at 9 from work sometime and the baby has been in bed since 730.

He relaxes from 730-1030 every night maybe other than to take out the trash / wash his dishes.

I come home and need to clean up after the baby and cook for the next day.

He does 10% of that.

This is crazy. He does the pick up, playing with the child, feeding the child, bath and bedtime routine all on his own while working full time. Yet you think you should come home from work and have zero household responsibilities? How on earth is that equitable? You are both parents. You are both working.

THIS. He’s probably exhausted after a working a full day, having to switch gears immediately to all the hands on caretaking, and according to OP he’s doing the morning drop offs, etc. Grow up, OP. Chasing a tired toddler (and they are almost always cranky and exhausted after daycare) after a full day is taxing and often frustrating. So there are some dishes in the sink and toys on the floor? Get over yourself. You are clearly so uninvolved with the daily management of this child that you don’t actually know what goes into daily caretaking. I would say the same thing if this were a man posting to complaining about his wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP you work too much.

I'm the higher earner in my household (by a hair) and neither my DH nor I work that many hours a week, except in rare circumstances - major project deadline, etc.

You need to prioritize your marriage and your self-care.

You need to have another conversation about admin stuff and lay out the explicit list of things you want him to do and say that's part of being a primary caregiver. Or hire it out (part-time nanny, etc.)

So much entitlement so little time, I work more than 60 hours a week b/c student loans, mortgage, not born with silver spoon, etc. PK student, copious babysitters, husband not capable of being primary caregiver. Not everyone can cut back like those of you subsidized by rich boomers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP you work too much.

I'm the higher earner in my household (by a hair) and neither my DH nor I work that many hours a week, except in rare circumstances - major project deadline, etc.

You need to prioritize your marriage and your self-care.

You need to have another conversation about admin stuff and lay out the explicit list of things you want him to do and say that's part of being a primary caregiver. Or hire it out (part-time nanny, etc.)

Op: he does not want to do them because he wants to relax. He has 6-7 hours without kids both days during the weekend. And 3 hours every day of the week when he does not do childcare not chores. How is that not enough!

I think your husband is just not cut out to be what you want, OP. My husband and I never had much time to ourselves when our kids were little. We both work and we were both very hands on. My husband did most of the drop off pick ups and all the cooking, plus more.

Yes it was a stressful time. Yes you can throw money at the problem. And yes your husband is just not stepping up. The reality is he doesn’t want to be doing as much caregiving as he said previously and as you want.

HOW is he not stepping up when he does the weekday childcare duties and she doesn’t get home until 9?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you’ve bumped into the reality. Very few men are capable of handling all the responsibilities involved with raising children in our modern society. Is what it is. And children are especially challenging when they are little. Outsource what you can and slog through these early years.

+1 I'll repeat... most men should not have kids. They may like the idea of it, but when reality hits, they can't handle it, or they will put in the bare minimum effort, and say that the wife has too high standards, and he should be able to do things his own way, which again is bare minimum effort.

Who cares if it's bare minimum effort? Why does your child only deserve the bare minimum? Should your wife only give you the bare minimum sex, as defined by her?

DH doing a lot of the hands on caregiving. The wife doesn’t seem to do much. This sounds like neither really want to be parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP, you sound like an asshole. You work a lot and like it. Fine. Then you should happily use the money you earn to hire a sitter and stop complaining. There is really nothing to complain about here. DH works outside of the home and also helps with the kid.

Op: why does he not help out with the admin? He gets all the fun stuff of childcare and I get all the crappy one. Laundry, meal prep, doctor appointments, buying clothes, finding daycare, finding classes, etc.

You guys should sit down and make a division of labor sheet. Tasks that require admin and research are also time consuming. Especially when you have young children.

It’s a stressful time in life, OP. Many dual working couples go through this transition. It feels like the other person is competing with you for a scarce resource. Just keep in mind you are on the same team, and the workload has just quadrupled so you need to game this out together. I would definitely talk to him about getting more PT help, divvying up all the required tasks in whatever way you consider fair, and taking into account that such tasks involve research and planning. Researching when we need to start potty training or which preschool to use was not my husband’s strong suit. He took on more routine tasks, such as shopping, cooking, laundry, and time with kids.

[Anonymous]

My advice: hire a sitter every Saturday afternoon/early evening. Have a date night with your husband. Both of you deserve decompression time. Both of you deserve a break when working long hours. A solid marriage is the foundation of your family, so put the resources into it especially in this hard early years.

[Anonymous]

OP you should see a therapist and psychiatrist. You sound very angry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP you work too much.

I'm the higher earner in my household (by a hair) and neither my DH nor I work that many hours a week, except in rare circumstances - major project deadline, etc.

You need to prioritize your marriage and your self-care.

You need to have another conversation about admin stuff and lay out the explicit list of things you want him to do and say that's part of being a primary caregiver. Or hire it out (part-time nanny, etc.)

So much entitlement so little time, I work more than 60 hours a week b/c student loans, mortgage, not born with silver spoon, etc. PK student, copious babysitters, husband not capable of being primary caregiver. Not everyone can cut back like those of you subsidized by rich boomers.

So many assumptions, so little time. I grew up lower-income and was not subsidized by anyone. No one's asking you to be a martyr. If you think you'd be happier as the primary caregiver, go for it.

[Anonymous]

Your dh sounds lame, but I think the best solution is hiring more child care and household management help. Outsource absolutely everything. If you’re working so much, you must make good money. Spend it on helping yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop doing things for him. Make him get his own weekend sitter. Don’t cook for him. Don’t do admin or find daycare. Let things drop and let him deal with the consequences.

Fortunately it sounds like you have enough money to have this problem ultimately solved by his outsourcing what he can’t/won’t do. From childcare to food delivery. But he has to handle the outsourcing since he works fewer hours.

HUH?? It’s not HIS weekend babysitter. She wants to work and not be a mom on Saturday, shouldn’t she help find the babysitter? I don’t see how her addiction to her job somehow means he should work 45 hours per week and do all the child care.

Also OP, you lose a lot of credibility when you raise things like “applying for passports”. This takes one day every 10 years.

The OP sounds pretty awful.