I was so naive re marriage, career and kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two parents working a combined 100 plus hours per week need to outsource household tasks and childcare, or it won’t work. You either outsource or reduce hours (one or both of you). The current expectations are not reasonable.

-doctors wife who also works

Why are you combining hours like that/ is there actually zero overlap in your working schedules? made up marketing stats aren’t going to help anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP
I do have a few friends where the guy is a hedge fund manager and the couple outsource most of weekend care so that they can work or have fun.

I should have probably married one of these guys. Would have been better off instead of relying on my own work and money.

Do you mean weekend CHILDCARE or house managing weekend care? So he never gives attention to his children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Plenty of men want children and beg to have children. But then fail to parent like they should. OP probably believed in equitable parenting and division of labor, as I did. It was a huge wake up call to me and how family responsibilities are still very unequal. One and done for me!

Kids are a prop to many men.

If they’re even in the house, they just swing by when convenient, demand a hug & kiss on command, snap some social media photos, and walk off emailing on their phones. Oh, and they say Hi to their wife or the nanny as they walk by.

#fathering #ignorance #neglect

I don’t know anyone like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two parents working a combined 100 plus hours per week need to outsource household tasks and childcare, or it won’t work. You either outsource or reduce hours (one or both of you). The current expectations are not reasonable.

-doctors wife who also works

Why are you combining hours like that/ is there actually zero overlap in your working schedules? made up marketing stats aren’t going to help anyone.

DP. After years of being told that dual working parents make things work all of the time, I started to think of it this way too. Anything over 80 hours/wk + parenthood starts to put a strain on the household.
It doesn’t really matter if the hours overlap or not. It doesn’t matter if one person is working 100 hours and one person is a SAHP. It doesn’t matter if both parents are working 50 hours each. It doesn’t matter if it’s OP’s situation, and one parent is working 60 hours/wk and the other is working 40 hours/wk. For whatever reason, the combined hours matter.

In my personal experience, the only exception to this is when one partner is just gone. (They are deployed or out of town for an extended period of time for whatever reason). The solo parent can get things functioning pretty normally, even when working full time. A spouse who is gone is no help, but they don’t put the kind of strain on the family that a spouse working longer hours does. (I don’t think OP’s expectations of her spouse are atypical, but they probably aren’t anything that her husband would do if he were parenting solo).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two parents working a combined 100 plus hours per week need to outsource household tasks and childcare, or it won’t work. You either outsource or reduce hours (one or both of you). The current expectations are not reasonable.

-doctors wife who also works

Why are you combining hours like that/ is there actually zero overlap in your working schedules? made up marketing stats aren’t going to help anyone.

I think a lot of people would be happier if they combined hours and got childcare or household help for anything over 40 hours/wk. If both people work 40 hours/wk, then you get 40 hours of childcare. If one works 40 and the other works 20, then you should get 20 hours of childcare. If one person works 60, and the other works 0, then you still should get 20 hours of childcare or additional help. In the OP’s case, they need another 20 hours/wk of childcare or other help.
If you choose not to get help, that’s fine, but then don’t blame your spouse who is working fewer hours. Just recognize that they are also working hard and you have made this decision together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Plenty of men want children and beg to have children. But then fail to parent like they should. OP probably believed in equitable parenting and division of labor, as I did. It was a huge wake up call to me and how family responsibilities are still very unequal. One and done for me!

Kids are a prop to many men.

If they’re even in the house, they just swing by when convenient, demand a hug & kiss on command, snap some social media photos, and walk off emailing on their phones. Oh, and they say Hi to their wife or the nanny as they walk by.

#fathering #ignorance #neglect

I don’t know anyone like this.

I do.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, OP.
I wish more men would realize how hard this phase of life is for their wives (and how short it is!). If he would just step up for a couple of years and make the baby food and cook sometimes, the rest of your marriage would be so much better.
It can be hard to let go of resentment when your husband doesn’t step up in the baby/toddler phase. Wishing the best for you both.

[Anonymous]

you need an easier job or a nanny

[Anonymous]

Hire a nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two parents working a combined 100 plus hours per week need to outsource household tasks and childcare, or it won’t work. You either outsource or reduce hours (one or both of you). The current expectations are not reasonable.

-doctors wife who also works

Why are you combining hours like that/ is there actually zero overlap in your working schedules? made up marketing stats aren’t going to help anyone.

DP. After years of being told that dual working parents make things work all of the time, I started to think of it this way too. Anything over 80 hours/wk + parenthood starts to put a strain on the household.
It doesn’t really matter if the hours overlap or not. It doesn’t matter if one person is working 100 hours and one person is a SAHP. It doesn’t matter if both parents are working 50 hours each. It doesn’t matter if it’s OP’s situation, and one parent is working 60 hours/wk and the other is working 40 hours/wk. For whatever reason, the combined hours matter.

In my personal experience, the only exception to this is when one partner is just gone. (They are deployed or out of town for an extended period of time for whatever reason). The solo parent can get things functioning pretty normally, even when working full time. A spouse who is gone is no help, but they don’t put the kind of strain on the family that a spouse working longer hours does. (I don’t think OP’s expectations of her spouse are atypical, but they probably aren’t anything that her husband would do if he were parenting solo).

This is so right. The goal should be lowering the total amount of work in a household, including the domestic work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hire a nanny.

They have a nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two parents working a combined 100 plus hours per week need to outsource household tasks and childcare, or it won’t work. You either outsource or reduce hours (one or both of you). The current expectations are not reasonable.

-doctors wife who also works

Why are you combining hours like that/ is there actually zero overlap in your working schedules? made up marketing stats aren’t going to help anyone.

DP. After years of being told that dual working parents make things work all of the time, I started to think of it this way too. Anything over 80 hours/wk + parenthood starts to put a strain on the household.
It doesn’t really matter if the hours overlap or not. It doesn’t matter if one person is working 100 hours and one person is a SAHP. It doesn’t matter if both parents are working 50 hours each. It doesn’t matter if it’s OP’s situation, and one parent is working 60 hours/wk and the other is working 40 hours/wk. For whatever reason, the combined hours matter.

In my personal experience, the only exception to this is when one partner is just gone. (They are deployed or out of town for an extended period of time for whatever reason). The solo parent can get things functioning pretty normally, even when working full time. A spouse who is gone is no help, but they don’t put the kind of strain on the family that a spouse working longer hours does. (I don’t think OP’s expectations of her spouse are atypical, but they probably aren’t anything that her husband would do if he were parenting solo).

This is so right. The goal should be lowering the total amount of work in a household, including the domestic work.

I agree.
I think you can handle anything if it’s temporary, but it sounds like this is the long term plan, and it’s untenable.