I was so naive re marriage, career and kids

[Anonymous]

My husband really wanted kids. He assured me would be the primarily caregiver.

I am very focused on my career and wrk long hours.

He assured me that he would be happy to be the primary caregiver

Now this has called a lot of resentment.

He does do drop off and pick up in 75% of cases.

But he does none of the cooking, admin, finding daycare, applying for passport, etc.

He thinks I should do that because I do less of the direct care.

If I need to work on the weekend, I have to hire a babysitter so that he can play video games. He can’t handle more than 3 hours taking care of a toddler.

I work 60 hours a week and he works 45 hours a week.

I have no free time.

He has plenty.

Love the baby and I like my career.

Our marriage is strained because we fight about childcare and tasks all the time.

I thought that it’s possible for a guy to be the main caretaker.

Was naive.

Marriages work much better when they follow traditional gender roles, except for a few circumstances. But that’s the exception not the rule.

Unfortunately I make more than he does so I cannot step back.

I am exhausted and resentful of him.

[Anonymous]

OP:
I come home at 9 from work sometime and the baby has been in bed since 730.

He relaxes from 730-1030 every night maybe other than to take out the trash / wash his dishes.

I come home and need to clean up after the baby and cook for the next day.

He does 10% of that.

[Anonymous]

What do you mean when you say he works 45 hours a week?

I think a weekend babysitter is a wonderful idea. Ours has helped our marriage tremendously. Who cares if he wants to play video games in that time?

[Anonymous]

Yeah, welcome to the club sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean when you say he works 45 hours a week?

I think a weekend babysitter is a wonderful idea. Ours has helped our marriage tremendously. Who cares if he wants to play video games in that time?

+1 regular sitter breaks were more effective than therapy for me w/r/t parenting stress

[Anonymous]

Get an au pair.

[Anonymous]

You're working too much. 60 hours a week as a regular schedule is simply too much for a mother with young child(ren.) Sorry, but that's reality.

Dial it back until your youngest is in kindergarten. Then you can refocus on this big career of yours.

[Anonymous]

Yes, you’ve bumped into the reality. Very few men are capable of handling all the responsibilities involved with raising children in our modern society. Is what it is. And children are especially challenging when they are little. Outsource what you can and slog through these early years.

[Anonymous]

Honestly OP you work too much.

I'm the higher earner in my household (by a hair) and neither my DH nor I work that many hours a week, except in rare circumstances - major project deadline, etc.

You need to prioritize your marriage and your self-care.

You need to have another conversation about admin stuff and lay out the explicit list of things you want him to do and say that's part of being a primary caregiver. Or hire it out (part-time nanny, etc.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're working too much. 60 hours a week as a regular schedule is simply too much for a mother with young child(ren.) Sorry, but that's reality.

Dial it back until your youngest is in kindergarten. Then you can refocus on this big career of yours.

OP: he’s not dialing back. He wants more responsibility and said he will work as many hours as he needs if given the opportunity. Why do I have to give up when he can do whatever he wants?

[Anonymous]

Why are you hiring the baby sitter? Can he just hire one himself?

Tho honestly I’d throw the video game system away. If he’s neglecting his kids because of it, it’s gotta go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP you work too much.

I'm the higher earner in my household (by a hair) and neither my DH nor I work that many hours a week, except in rare circumstances - major project deadline, etc.

You need to prioritize your marriage and your self-care.

You need to have another conversation about admin stuff and lay out the explicit list of things you want him to do and say that's part of being a primary caregiver. Or hire it out (part-time nanny, etc.)

Op: he does not want to do them because he wants to relax. He has 6-7 hours without kids both days during the weekend. And 3 hours every day of the week when he does not do childcare not chores. How is that not enough!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you hiring the baby sitter? Can he just hire one himself?

Tho honestly I’d throw the video game system away. If he’s neglecting his kids because of it, it’s gotta go.

He plays every day!

[Anonymous]

Honestly OP, you sound like an asshole. You work a lot and like it. Fine. Then you should happily use the money you earn to hire a sitter and stop complaining. There is really nothing to complain about here. DH works outside of the home and also helps with the kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP you work too much.

I'm the higher earner in my household (by a hair) and neither my DH nor I work that many hours a week, except in rare circumstances - major project deadline, etc.

You need to prioritize your marriage and your self-care.

You need to have another conversation about admin stuff and lay out the explicit list of things you want him to do and say that's part of being a primary caregiver. Or hire it out (part-time nanny, etc.)

Op: he does not want to do them because he wants to relax. He has 6-7 hours without kids both days during the weekend. And 3 hours every day of the week when he does not do childcare not chores. How is that not enough!

PP here -- some people (men and women!) don't have the endurance for the slog of baby/toddler care day-to-day. I'm one of those people too. My kid is a dream, a unicorn, whatever you want to call them, but I'm constantly in need of a break; it's like I was born with low capacity for kid care. And I'm the mom!

The DCUM solution, in my experience, is really the most effective one - "outsource" what you can afford to.

I would lose the framing of "primary caregiver" and think of it more like 60-40. You both should have free time and hobbies.