I was so naive re marriage, career and kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m beginning to think OP doesn’t make that much. She just works a lot. Throwing money at the problem would be easy. Instead she is just getting mad at her Dh.

Plus her kid is only 6 months old. Op has probably only been back from maternity leave for 3 months. This is still such an adjustment period.

How do you look and feel? Are you exercising? Do you ever socialize?

Planning anything for Valentine’s Day?

You should really think about why you are so upset at your Dh when he is the one taking care of your child.

Dh earns seven figures. I’m not good at housework. I am sure he thinks the house is a mess everyday. Before Covid, I had both a PT nanny and housekeeper plus I had 2 kids in elementary and 1 in preschool. I outsourced as much housework as I could because I hate doing it. I can’t imagine how pissed I would be if I were OP’s DH. He is not your man servant.

You are this baby’s mother.

Did you basically come here to say, I’m mega rich and have tons of help even though I’m a SAHM? Shame on you OP? LOL you cannot make this stuff up.

DP, but I think PP’s point was that even though she was a SAHM, her husband didn’t treat her like a servant and expect her to do all the chores and childcare by herself, the way OP treats her husband.

I don’t know where you get that feeling from OP.

As someone from a two-career household, I have no idea how OP does what she does. There is no way — NO WAY — one of us could have sat around and played video games all day on a weekend, for the first three years of our first child’s life. For one, we were both always spending time with the child. But when we weren’t doing that there was a ton of work to keep the household running and be on top of life admin. We had time for work and family and that was pretty much it! So I don’t get how the husband has this schedule, at all… that would have meant dropping a lot on the other parent in our house.

OP cooks, does laundry, does all the kid infrastructure like buying clothes and supplies, booking childcare, buying toys and looking for toddler classes…, all the shopping, plus a ton of other admin including financial. What dad works 60 hours a week and does all this? I can’t imagine any of them doing that. There is such a double standard for women on this board. It is unbelievable. Women really hold themselves back with all this “you are the Mom” and “just cut back your hours” crap.

Men who work 60 hrs marry women who stay home or work part time. They don’t expect their spouse to work 45 hours and do everything else. They have ONE child - they both should have, and deserve, time to relax on the weekend. If OP can’t make that happen with her job, that’s on her. She “cooks” for the toddler - she says above she barely eats for herself. The other things you listen either take barely any time for a toddler or are totally unnecessary (eg toddler classes….). She says she does all “repairs” - but they have a condo! It sounds like her husband does nearly all of the day-to-day childcare.

+1

Gender roles aside, I don't know any family with this setup. If both people are working FT, they are splitting the daily childcare routine. Not one person doing 100% of the hands-on parenting every weekday. And then yes, they should also be splitting the various admin and mental load tasks. But it's not reasonable to expect a spouse who works FT to do ALL the childcare AND this other misc stuff. And as others point out, some like cooking (rather than buying puree) or classes are totally unnecessary. Some other things can be outsourced. This dynamic seems crazy to me.

+2

I must say I don’t know any families with this setup either. The few families we know (with young kids) working this many hours have FT nannies. Except one that has live in grandparents! A 60ht/wk job + 45hr/wk job is not really compatible with parenting young kids without more paid help beyond typical daycare hours. Unless one or both of you wants to scale back hours, this is not going to be sustainable for your family, as individuals, or for your marriage.

OP Daycare is longer hours than nanny 730-6. Nanny was 830-6.

Jesus, why have kids? That’s the saddest thing ever.

[Anonymous]

OP it is pointless to take advice from SAHMs who don’t understand your situation. You have already heard from many working moms who are telling you to either outsource or hammer things out with your spouse. Getting that balance right can feel quite overwhelming, and it’s always a work in progress up until it just suddenly ends because the kid is older or things shift at work.

I will just add that the first years of a child are the hardest on a marriage, around years 2-3 is often when people report a lot of stress. Pregnancy and nursing is a time that many women, SAH or WOH, feel like they are having an experience the husband simply can’t understand. And when you get 2 years in the tiredness and frustration adds up. Just keep in mind this is temporary and the feeling that you are drowning in things undone will pass. With it will go the resentment at your spouse. I fully understand where you are coming from and honestly would be very frustrated with my spouse if he 1) did not want me to get a lower paying job but 2) sat on his butt reading a newspaper or playing a video game while I worked from 6:30 AM to midnight with no time for myself. I get it. Having a family and a career means sacrifices from both people, and getting the balance right for your family takes time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're working too much. 60 hours a week as a regular schedule is simply too much for a mother with young child(ren.) Sorry, but that's reality.

Dial it back until your youngest is in kindergarten. Then you can refocus on this big career of yours.

OP: he’s not dialing back. He wants more responsibility and said he will work as many hours as he needs if given the opportunity. Why do I have to give up when he can do whatever he wants?

Because time and energy are limited resources and are not equally distributed between the two of you. Something has to give. Society has allowed men the ability to prioritise downtime. Take a lesson and choose what gives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So if you hire a weekend babysitter do you ever interact with your baby? I think it might more helpful for all three of you to do family time on the weekends and hire out cooking and cleaning services.

This also had me scratching my head. OP is hardly with the child- more childcare is not the answer.

OP says she hires a babysitter when she needs to work. So her husband can play video games instead of covering childcare while she’s working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get an au pair.

Not a great idea since au pairs typically have absolutely zero childcare experience or education for that matter.

They are just young girls who want to live in the U.S.

[Anonymous]

OP: Gm. How can I outsource more cooking? Serious question. Again, I’m happy to eat take out, sandwich, cereal. When I stay late at work, they also cover my dinner. But especially for the baby (for those who asked I like calling him that way - he’s my baby!). The Tiny Organics is pretty healthy but he eats a lot! The portions are so small.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: Gm. How can I outsource more cooking? Serious question. Again, I’m happy to eat take out, sandwich, cereal. When I stay late at work, they also cover my dinner. But especially for the baby (for those who asked I like calling him that way - he’s my baby!). The Tiny Organics is pretty healthy but he eats a lot! The portions are so small.

Hire a personal chef to come and cook meals that can be heated quickly. I’m sure you can get someone to come 2x week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP, you sound like an asshole. You work a lot and like it. Fine. Then you should happily use the money you earn to hire a sitter and stop complaining. There is really nothing to complain about here. DH works outside of the home and also helps with the kid.

Op: why does he not help out with the admin? He gets all the fun stuff of childcare and I get all the crappy one. Laundry, meal prep, doctor appointments, buying clothes, finding daycare, finding classes, etc.

Because you’ve been doing it this entire time, it’s invisible labor and he takes it for granted.

If you want him to appreciate all you do, stop doing it. Go away for a week and don’t organise things for him. He’ll figure it out quick when he has to fend for himself.

Read “drop the ball” by Tiffany Dufu.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP it is pointless to take advice from SAHMs who don’t understand your situation. You have already heard from many working moms who are telling you to either outsource or hammer things out with your spouse. Getting that balance right can feel quite overwhelming, and it’s always a work in progress up until it just suddenly ends because the kid is older or things shift at work.

I will just add that the first years of a child are the hardest on a marriage, around years 2-3 is often when people report a lot of stress. Pregnancy and nursing is a time that many women, SAH or WOH, feel like they are having an experience the husband simply can’t understand. And when you get 2 years in the tiredness and frustration adds up. Just keep in mind this is temporary and the feeling that you are drowning in things undone will pass. With it will go the resentment at your spouse. I fully understand where you are coming from and honestly would be very frustrated with my spouse if he 1) did not want me to get a lower paying job but 2) sat on his butt reading a newspaper or playing a video game while I worked from 6:30 AM to midnight with no time for myself. I get it. Having a family and a career means sacrifices from both people, and getting the balance right for your family takes time.

I’m a sahm now but I used to be a working mom.

Op, I would switch to a nanny plus preschool. Nanny can feed the kid, drive the kid, pick up the kid, do kids laundry, clean kids toys and feed dinner. Nanny can take kid to music class, art class, tot soccer, swim class and any other enrichment activities you see fit. It is usually better than just daycare. If you decide to have another child at some point, it would also be helpful.

I have had a FT nanny, PT nanny, summer nanny, housekeeper come everyday, PT cook, tutors, drivers, preschool with aftercare, elementary after care before decided to stay home.

The baby years are the easiest to outsource. You feel bad when the kid is older and you don’t do play dates. Then your kid hits elementary and they have all these activities. I had one kid in elementary and one in preschool plus extended care and had gotten rid of the nanny by then. My mistake was to not keep a FT nanny even if my kids were at school for 7-8 hours per day. Reliable good part time help was impossible to find. When I wrote the description of pick up kids, give them a snack, help with homework, take kids to sports and playground, I realized I wanted to be the one to do this. Then I had a third child shortly after and have been home ever since.

Dh earned around 800k when I decided to stay home. He didn’t have a flexible schedule then. Now he earns $2m+.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m beginning to think OP doesn’t make that much. She just works a lot. Throwing money at the problem would be easy. Instead she is just getting mad at her Dh.

Plus her kid is only 6 months old. Op has probably only been back from maternity leave for 3 months. This is still such an adjustment period.

How do you look and feel? Are you exercising? Do you ever socialize?

Planning anything for Valentine’s Day?

You should really think about why you are so upset at your Dh when he is the one taking care of your child.

Dh earns seven figures. I’m not good at housework. I am sure he thinks the house is a mess everyday. Before Covid, I had both a PT nanny and housekeeper plus I had 2 kids in elementary and 1 in preschool. I outsourced as much housework as I could because I hate doing it. I can’t imagine how pissed I would be if I were OP’s DH. He is not your man servant.

You are this baby’s mother.

Did you basically come here to say, I’m mega rich and have tons of help even though I’m a SAHM? Shame on you OP? LOL you cannot make this stuff up.

DP, but I think PP’s point was that even though she was a SAHM, her husband didn’t treat her like a servant and expect her to do all the chores and childcare by herself, the way OP treats her husband.

I don’t know where you get that feeling from OP.

As someone from a two-career household, I have no idea how OP does what she does. There is no way — NO WAY — one of us could have sat around and played video games all day on a weekend, for the first three years of our first child’s life. For one, we were both always spending time with the child. But when we weren’t doing that there was a ton of work to keep the household running and be on top of life admin. We had time for work and family and that was pretty much it! So I don’t get how the husband has this schedule, at all… that would have meant dropping a lot on the other parent in our house.

OP cooks, does laundry, does all the kid infrastructure like buying clothes and supplies, booking childcare, buying toys and looking for toddler classes…, all the shopping, plus a ton of other admin including financial. What dad works 60 hours a week and does all this? I can’t imagine any of them doing that. There is such a double standard for women on this board. It is unbelievable. Women really hold themselves back with all this “you are the Mom” and “just cut back your hours” crap.

Men who work 60 hrs marry women who stay home or work part time. They don’t expect their spouse to work 45 hours and do everything else. They have ONE child - they both should have, and deserve, time to relax on the weekend. If OP can’t make that happen with her job, that’s on her. She “cooks” for the toddler - she says above she barely eats for herself. The other things you listen either take barely any time for a toddler or are totally unnecessary (eg toddler classes….). She says she does all “repairs” - but they have a condo! It sounds like her husband does nearly all of the day-to-day childcare.

+1

Gender roles aside, I don't know any family with this setup. If both people are working FT, they are splitting the daily childcare routine. Not one person doing 100% of the hands-on parenting every weekday. And then yes, they should also be splitting the various admin and mental load tasks. But it's not reasonable to expect a spouse who works FT to do ALL the childcare AND this other misc stuff. And as others point out, some like cooking (rather than buying puree) or classes are totally unnecessary. Some other things can be outsourced. This dynamic seems crazy to me.

I know a lot of families like this but the man earns over $200k for most of his life. Not starting out.

[Anonymous]

I didn’t read this whole 20 page thread but did OP state how much she actually makes?

Also OP I am a full time working mom (40 hours a week) with 3 kids and my DH works anywhere between 50-80 hours a week. I do 95% of the childcare, admin stuff, household stuff, etc. he helps when he can which usually means doing some dishes when he has time, taking the trash out and outdoor maintenance when he has time. We have a landscaper and a cleaning team (who comes every 2 weeks). Other than that I do everything. It can be done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t read this whole 20 page thread but did OP state how much she actually makes?

Also OP I am a full time working mom (40 hours a week) with 3 kids and my DH works anywhere between 50-80 hours a week. I do 95% of the childcare, admin stuff, household stuff, etc. he helps when he can which usually means doing some dishes when he has time, taking the trash out and outdoor maintenance when he has time. We have a landscaper and a cleaning team (who comes every 2 weeks). Other than that I do everything. It can be done.

I think the point is that OP’s spouse is supposed to be you. Op is the breadwinner and Her spouse works less and is supposed to be the default parent.

I posted upthread that almost always, the mom handles the activities and administrative stuff whether she is a sahm or breadwinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP it is pointless to take advice from SAHMs who don’t understand your situation. You have already heard from many working moms who are telling you to either outsource or hammer things out with your spouse. Getting that balance right can feel quite overwhelming, and it’s always a work in progress up until it just suddenly ends because the kid is older or things shift at work.

I will just add that the first years of a child are the hardest on a marriage, around years 2-3 is often when people report a lot of stress. Pregnancy and nursing is a time that many women, SAH or WOH, feel like they are having an experience the husband simply can’t understand. And when you get 2 years in the tiredness and frustration adds up. Just keep in mind this is temporary and the feeling that you are drowning in things undone will pass. With it will go the resentment at your spouse. I fully understand where you are coming from and honestly would be very frustrated with my spouse if he 1) did not want me to get a lower paying job but 2) sat on his butt reading a newspaper or playing a video game while I worked from 6:30 AM to midnight with no time for myself. I get it. Having a family and a career means sacrifices from both people, and getting the balance right for your family takes time.

I’m a sahm now but I used to be a working mom.

Op, I would switch to a nanny plus preschool. Nanny can feed the kid, drive the kid, pick up the kid, do kids laundry, clean kids toys and feed dinner. Nanny can take kid to music class, art class, tot soccer, swim class and any other enrichment activities you see fit. It is usually better than just daycare. If you decide to have another child at some point, it would also be helpful.

I have had a FT nanny, PT nanny, summer nanny, housekeeper come everyday, PT cook, tutors, drivers, preschool with aftercare, elementary after care before decided to stay home.

The baby years are the easiest to outsource. You feel bad when the kid is older and you don’t do play dates. Then your kid hits elementary and they have all these activities. I had one kid in elementary and one in preschool plus extended care and had gotten rid of the nanny by then. My mistake was to not keep a FT nanny even if my kids were at school for 7-8 hours per day. Reliable good part time help was impossible to find. When I wrote the description of pick up kids, give them a snack, help with homework, take kids to sports and playground, I realized I wanted to be the one to do this. Then I had a third child shortly after and have been home ever since.

Dh earned around 800k when I decided to stay home. He didn’t have a flexible schedule then. Now he earns $2m+.

The recommendation is good but obviously 99.9 percent of the Dmv is not making $2 million a year so adjust accordingly to your salary. Live in an apartment for awhile I guess if you want to outsource and save money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get an au pair.

Not a great idea since au pairs typically have absolutely zero childcare experience or education for that matter.

They are just young girls who want to live in the U.S.

Not true - all of our au pairs have been at least 23 with two solid years of childcare experience - way more knowledge than we had.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t read this whole 20 page thread but did OP state how much she actually makes?

Also OP I am a full time working mom (40 hours a week) with 3 kids and my DH works anywhere between 50-80 hours a week. I do 95% of the childcare, admin stuff, household stuff, etc. he helps when he can which usually means doing some dishes when he has time, taking the trash out and outdoor maintenance when he has time. We have a landscaper and a cleaning team (who comes every 2 weeks). Other than that I do everything. It can be done.

Okay but, do you like your life? Do you think it should be imposed on everyone? To me, your life sounds stressful and miserable.