I was so naive re marriage, career and kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think before you got married you should have had a serious conversation. In general men just cannot balance these things the way a woman would probably want them to. I know there are some men that are good at it. But if you're a person that's always going to be upset about how they just can't get it right you need to discuss having dedicated help.

Come on. No one has these detailed conversations before marriage.

I’m the pp sahm with $2m earning spouse.

I am double ivy educated and earned more than Dh when we got married and when we had our first child. I hated missing bedtime and missed my baby terribly. Never in a million years would I think I would be a sahm. I thought I would be the breadwinner and Dh would be the default parent. I genuinely thought I could have it all and I tried for years. At the end of the day, I wanted to chaperone field trips and go to school on Fridays and lead the class in a fun activity or read a book to the class. I wanted to go to the school Halloween parade in the middle of the work day. I hated that sad look my kid had when I couldn’t attend his preschool class party and there was one for every freakin occasion. Some moms may not feel guilty but I always did.

DP. I had that conversation with my spouse before marriage. We decided that both of us having a serious career was important to us. I am senior enough now to flex my hours. I pick them up, give them snacks, do parties at school, and take them to activities. My husband is a full partner and he does drop offs and doctor appointments plus a lot of the cooking and laundry. We’re a team and this was decided before marriage. I also deliberately married someone whose mom had had a big career to make sure he would understand what it was about. I’ve seen too many women step back — there are pluses and minuses to every road, but I didn’t want to be feeling unappreciated, bored, or resentful of my kids. It is more important to my husband that I’m happy than that he gets to gun it at work while I do everything at home. That was our balance, every couple has to figure out their priorities and go from there. If you’re lucky enough to have choices you need to make it work for you.

I said I would take a 2 week maternity leave. I did not want to breastfeed because I didn’t want to ruin my perfect breasts. Priorities and plans change. Past boyfriends have said that I would not be motherly. How I changed after having kids. For us, I think the third child tipped us over. I have 3 kids in 3 different schools with varying activities. 2 of my kids are elite athletes. One kid is a science math whiz. Other is in student government. Even though I don’t work, my days are busy.

We know a lot of families where both parents have big careers. Some have multiple nannies, FT nanny plus housekeeper, live in nannies or au pairs, grandparents close by, mommy poppins type six figure expensive nannies, etc. One thing they all have in common is that they all outsource a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think before you got married you should have had a serious conversation. In general men just cannot balance these things the way a woman would probably want them to. I know there are some men that are good at it. But if you're a person that's always going to be upset about how they just can't get it right you need to discuss having dedicated help.

Come on. No one has these detailed conversations before marriage.

I’m the pp sahm with $2m earning spouse.

I am double ivy educated and earned more than Dh when we got married and when we had our first child. I hated missing bedtime and missed my baby terribly. Never in a million years would I think I would be a sahm. I thought I would be the breadwinner and Dh would be the default parent. I genuinely thought I could have it all and I tried for years. At the end of the day, I wanted to chaperone field trips and go to school on Fridays and lead the class in a fun activity or read a book to the class. I wanted to go to the school Halloween parade in the middle of the work day. I hated that sad look my kid had when I couldn’t attend his preschool class party and there was one for every freakin occasion. Some moms may not feel guilty but I always did.

But you can have honest conversations about yourself and if you are tough on someone that doesn't do things up to your liking. I know that about myself so I understand that outsourcing is going to be important to me.

[Anonymous]

OP when you choose to have children both need to put in the time. You need to cut your hours. From there assign a schedule who cooks what day each week. Fridays can be pizza, or take out.
Same with all the other household chores. If necessary get a house cleaner once a month. Sit down with your DH and make the schedule...there shouldn't be any fighting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP when you choose to have children both need to put in the time. You need to cut your hours. From there assign a schedule who cooks what day each week. Fridays can be pizza, or take out.
Same with all the other household chores. If necessary get a house cleaner once a month. Sit down with your DH and make the schedule...there shouldn't be any fighting.

And a budget.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get an au pair.

Not a great idea since au pairs typically have absolutely zero childcare experience or education for that matter.

They are just young girls who want to live in the U.S.

Not true - all of our au pairs have been at least 23 with two solid years of childcare experience - way more knowledge than we had.

I have a family member who has had like 5 au pairs and they have varied dramatically in quality. Also they can only work like 45 hours so I assume this would be in addition to daycare? I would rather get rid of other tasks and spend more time with the baby. I guess I’m lazy but I don’t have hours of admin type stuff every night, mostly cooking (my kids are older) and cleaning up dinner and laundry. I would like to have our cleaner come more often and do all the laundry but have not yet for various reasons

[Anonymous]

The guy works 45 hours a week and does all the "direct care" and OP is somehow resentful? Buy more help around the house. Or find a job that works less. Good lord, OP sounds insufferable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The guy works 45 hours a week and does all the "direct care" and OP is somehow resentful? Buy more help around the house. Or find a job that works less. Good lord, OP sounds insufferable.

Yeah, the husband has a job, does majority of pick up, drop off, takes care of the child, puts baby to bed.

What more does the OP want?

Maybe she wants a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The guy works 45 hours a week and does all the "direct care" and OP is somehow resentful? Buy more help around the house. Or find a job that works less. Good lord, OP sounds insufferable.

Yeah, the husband has a job, does majority of pick up, drop off, takes care of the child, puts baby to bed.

What more does the OP want?

Maybe she wants a divorce.

Again, double standard. What working woman do you know who rests and relaxes at night for a couple hours after the toddler goes to bed, reads the paper for forty five minutes in the morning while spouse readies the things for daycare, and plays video games (or the equivalent) for 7 hours a day on the weekend? I know zero. If a mom did that and let her husband hire a babysitter so she could rest she would be absolutely excoriated.

Let’s also just be clear, the daycare is a 10 minute walk to the house so the pick up drop off is not a huge thing. The 2.5 hours of care on the three days a week he does it, sure.

[Anonymous]

Men seem to need a 2 hour break every day. Women likely as well. Just make it happen for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think before you got married you should have had a serious conversation. In general men just cannot balance these things the way a woman would probably want them to. I know there are some men that are good at it. But if you're a person that's always going to be upset about how they just can't get it right you need to discuss having dedicated help.

Come on. No one has these detailed conversations before marriage.

I’m the pp sahm with $2m earning spouse.

I am double ivy educated and earned more than Dh when we got married and when we had our first child. I hated missing bedtime and missed my baby terribly. Never in a million years would I think I would be a sahm. I thought I would be the breadwinner and Dh would be the default parent. I genuinely thought I could have it all and I tried for years. At the end of the day, I wanted to chaperone field trips and go to school on Fridays and lead the class in a fun activity or read a book to the class. I wanted to go to the school Halloween parade in the middle of the work day. I hated that sad look my kid had when I couldn’t attend his preschool class party and there was one for every freakin occasion. Some moms may not feel guilty but I always did.

DP. I had that conversation with my spouse before marriage. We decided that both of us having a serious career was important to us. I am senior enough now to flex my hours. I pick them up, give them snacks, do parties at school, and take them to activities. My husband is a full partner and he does drop offs and doctor appointments plus a lot of the cooking and laundry. We’re a team and this was decided before marriage. I also deliberately married someone whose mom had had a big career to make sure he would understand what it was about. I’ve seen too many women step back — there are pluses and minuses to every road, but I didn’t want to be feeling unappreciated, bored, or resentful of my kids. It is more important to my husband that I’m happy than that he gets to gun it at work while I do everything at home. That was our balance, every couple has to figure out their priorities and go from there. If you’re lucky enough to have choices you need to make it work for you.

I said I would take a 2 week maternity leave. I did not want to breastfeed because I didn’t want to ruin my perfect breasts. Priorities and plans change. Past boyfriends have said that I would not be motherly. How I changed after having kids. For us, I think the third child tipped us over. I have 3 kids in 3 different schools with varying activities. 2 of my kids are elite athletes. One kid is a science math whiz. Other is in student government. Even though I don’t work, my days are busy.

We know a lot of families where both parents have big careers. Some have multiple nannies, FT nanny plus housekeeper, live in nannies or au pairs, grandparents close by, mommy poppins type six figure expensive nannies, etc. One thing they all have in common is that they all outsource a lot.

Breastfeeding does not impact breasts—it is the pregnancy itself. Most people know this. Some women’s breasts get “ruined”; some do not. It is genetic. I breastfed for two years. 10 years later my boobs still look great. Mid 40s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP when you choose to have children both need to put in the time. You need to cut your hours. From there assign a schedule who cooks what day each week. Fridays can be pizza, or take out.
Same with all the other household chores. If necessary get a house cleaner once a month. Sit down with your DH and make the schedule...there shouldn't be any fighting.

And a budget.

Never did a schedule. I did everything until elementary—then day by day. Two working parents. I did divorce eventually. Easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP it is pointless to take advice from SAHMs who don’t understand your situation. You have already heard from many working moms who are telling you to either outsource or hammer things out with your spouse. Getting that balance right can feel quite overwhelming, and it’s always a work in progress up until it just suddenly ends because the kid is older or things shift at work.

I will just add that the first years of a child are the hardest on a marriage, around years 2-3 is often when people report a lot of stress. Pregnancy and nursing is a time that many women, SAH or WOH, feel like they are having an experience the husband simply can’t understand. And when you get 2 years in the tiredness and frustration adds up. Just keep in mind this is temporary and the feeling that you are drowning in things undone will pass. With it will go the resentment at your spouse. I fully understand where you are coming from and honestly would be very frustrated with my spouse if he 1) did not want me to get a lower paying job but 2) sat on his butt reading a newspaper or playing a video game while I worked from 6:30 AM to midnight with no time for myself. I get it. Having a family and a career means sacrifices from both people, and getting the balance right for your family takes time.

The resentment does not always pass. This can be temporary for some—but not others.

[Anonymous]

Adoption

[Anonymous]

Resentment didn’t pass for me since in was grounded in his underlying mental disorder which will never go away or be managed well. Very difficult individual to live with.

He doesn’t even stick around to hear the answer to his How are you doing, if he remembers to ask if he ever sees you during the week. It’s that perfunctory.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP it is pointless to take advice from SAHMs who don’t understand your situation. You have already heard from many working moms who are telling you to either outsource or hammer things out with your spouse. Getting that balance right can feel quite overwhelming, and it’s always a work in progress up until it just suddenly ends because the kid is older or things shift at work.

I will just add that the first years of a child are the hardest on a marriage, around years 2-3 is often when people report a lot of stress. Pregnancy and nursing is a time that many women, SAH or WOH, feel like they are having an experience the husband simply can’t understand. And when you get 2 years in the tiredness and frustration adds up. Just keep in mind this is temporary and the feeling that you are drowning in things undone will pass. With it will go the resentment at your spouse. I fully understand where you are coming from and honestly would be very frustrated with my spouse if he 1) did not want me to get a lower paying job but 2) sat on his butt reading a newspaper or playing a video game while I worked from 6:30 AM to midnight with no time for myself. I get it. Having a family and a career means sacrifices from both people, and getting the balance right for your family takes time.

The resentment does not always pass. This can be temporary for some—but not others.

Raising kids is hard work. That does not pass.

So ignoring the baby’s needs, becomes ignoring toddle, the preschooler, the adolescent, the teen, etc.
Relating to and communicating with humans is not a selectively applied thing.