Update to "Minimal amount of secret drinking"

[Anonymous]

Hi OP. I'm really sorry you're going through this. I don't have a ton of advice on coping, but I do want to share one piece of information. I know a couple that divorced due to one of the parents' drinking, and in the custody agreement they negotiated that neither parent can drink any alcohol at all while the kids are in their custody. If that is violated, the custody agreement will be immediately revisited (they may even have a clause for what happens, not sure). I'm sharing this, because you sound worried about protecting your DD if you leave. This might be an option, since it wouldn't really require any proof of negligence up front.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. I'm really sorry you're going through this. I don't have a ton of advice on coping, but I do want to share one piece of information. I know a couple that divorced due to one of the parents' drinking, and in the custody agreement they negotiated that neither parent can drink any alcohol at all while the kids are in their custody. If that is violated, the custody agreement will be immediately revisited (they may even have a clause for what happens, not sure). I'm sharing this, because you sound worried about protecting your DD if you leave. This might be an option, since it wouldn't really require any proof of negligence up front.

This seems like a good idea, but how could you trust or confirm that an alcoholic would abide by this rule?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up with an alcoholic father. Although he never abused us he was a total drain on our home.

Leave for your and kids sake but also for his. He will either get better after getting the message or spiral into death. You can't keep doing this.

OP here. I'm sorry you had to grow up like that. It's not fair.

He's told me a couple times now that he doesn't feel my support, that he needs more support, etc, but he hasn't taken any steps to actually find a program or treatment options. He's just going on willpower, which has failed over and over. I think he will look into some stuff now, but it's like nothing happens unless there's an incident that forces the issue. I am aware of the tendency for a drinker to attach blame to their partner who is standing in the way of unbridled drinking, and I feel that happening a bit. He said a couple things yesterday about how it's the restrictions that make it so hard and how he doesn't want to end up resenting me.

None of this is your fault. He resents everybody and everything, or at least his disease does. The “restrictions” aren’t something you impose. Reality imposes them, one way or another.

He really needs AA or another group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. I'm really sorry you're going through this. I don't have a ton of advice on coping, but I do want to share one piece of information. I know a couple that divorced due to one of the parents' drinking, and in the custody agreement they negotiated that neither parent can drink any alcohol at all while the kids are in their custody. If that is violated, the custody agreement will be immediately revisited (they may even have a clause for what happens, not sure). I'm sharing this, because you sound worried about protecting your DD if you leave. This might be an option, since it wouldn't really require any proof of negligence up front.

This seems like a good idea, but how could you trust or confirm that an alcoholic would abide by this rule?

It's not airtight, but if you ever do find out about drinking you have immediate recourse instead of needing to build a case. When the kid is a little older, it will be much easier to enforce since they can speak up too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, as a recovering alcoholic, I just want to say to not take your husbands drinking and inability to stop as evidence that he doesn’t love you or your daughter,or your life together. He drinks because he is an addict and doesn’t love *himself* enough to stop.

Keep going to Al-anon. Set boundaries for yourself, and for him. You’re not going to change his mind; he has to do it and figure it out for himself. So live your life on your terms.

He hasn’t figured out yet that it’s the first drink that gets him drunk. That alcohol is baffling and cunning, or that he is powerless. All he knows is that he feels guilt and shame, but the easiest way to relieve that guilt and shame is by numbing it with the exact thing that is making him feel guilt and shame.

It’s a horrible place to be, on both sides of the fence. Just take care of yourself and your daughter. You can love and support him, but you don’t have to put up with his sh*t.

Good luck to you. I’m happy to answer any questions if you have any.

I really hate this AA talk. Alcohol is not cunning—it’s an inanimate object. Obviously it’s addictive, but just leave it at that. It doesn’t “want” you to do anything.

Are you in recovery? If not, you really don’t get a vote because you don’t know what you’re talking about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

So now I don't feel comfortable leaving the house anymore with DD in DH's care. And if we split, I have to worry about her safety even more. I feel so terribly guilty that I've given our toddler this life. She is so perfect and I really messed up.

Oh, OP, my heart broke for you when I read this. You have NOT messed up. I’m glad you are giving Al-Anon a go, and it sounds like you found a good group.

You can deal with this. I know I’m just an anonymous, random person, but I have so much faith in you.

This is OP, thank you for saying this. I tend to be hard on myself and I am nauseous thinking I made the world’s biggest mistake, but it’s confusing because my daughter is the best thing to ever happen to me. I want to believe that if this marriage does not work out, it was still a good decision because I got my wonderful daughter, and if I’d married someone else I wouldn’t have had her. I’m a mess right now, clearly.

Op, you seem to have very “black and white” thinking processes. Life is full of grays and nuances. I was one of the people on the fence on your last thread, but clearly your dh has some issues. I’m glad to see you’re going to Al-Anon, but I think some individual therapy would be good for you. There’s no point beating yourself up for what is clearly a problem that your spouse has.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Call CPS and get it on record that he drank six shots of tequila while your daughter was in his care. Get it on record that he takes alcohol to work. Get records, get records, get records. Times/dates/situations. Log it.

When you eventually divorce, you need this info so that you get full custody and he gets visitation. Don’t fool yourself. He’ll drive drunk with her, he’ll be unable to care for her, he will endanger her and ruin her life.

NEVER voluntarily involve the government and it’s agents in your family life. They don’t work for you. They aren’t your rescuers. They aren’t your friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, as a recovering alcoholic, I just want to say to not take your husbands drinking and inability to stop as evidence that he doesn’t love you or your daughter,or your life together. He drinks because he is an addict and doesn’t love *himself* enough to stop.

Keep going to Al-anon. Set boundaries for yourself, and for him. You’re not going to change his mind; he has to do it and figure it out for himself. So live your life on your terms.

He hasn’t figured out yet that it’s the first drink that gets him drunk. That alcohol is baffling and cunning, or that he is powerless. All he knows is that he feels guilt and shame, but the easiest way to relieve that guilt and shame is by numbing it with the exact thing that is making him feel guilt and shame.

It’s a horrible place to be, on both sides of the fence. Just take care of yourself and your daughter. You can love and support him, but you don’t have to put up with his sh*t.

Good luck to you. I’m happy to answer any questions if you have any.

I really hate this AA talk. Alcohol is not cunning—it’s an inanimate object. Obviously it’s addictive, but just leave it at that. It doesn’t “want” you to do anything.

Are you in recovery? If not, you really don’t get a vote because you don’t know what you’re talking about.

Can you folks take this carping to another thread - it's derailing OP's thread and problem. And it's not helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Call CPS and get it on record that he drank six shots of tequila while your daughter was in his care. Get it on record that he takes alcohol to work. Get records, get records, get records. Times/dates/situations. Log it.

When you eventually divorce, you need this info so that you get full custody and he gets visitation. Don’t fool yourself. He’ll drive drunk with her, he’ll be unable to care for her, he will endanger her and ruin her life.

NEVER voluntarily involve the government and it’s agents in your family life. They don’t work for you. They aren’t your rescuers. They aren’t your friends.

Then good luck with no documentation at the divorce. Have fun handing over kids to a neglectful drunk 50 percent of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Call CPS and get it on record that he drank six shots of tequila while your daughter was in his care. Get it on record that he takes alcohol to work. Get records, get records, get records. Times/dates/situations. Log it.

When you eventually divorce, you need this info so that you get full custody and he gets visitation. Don’t fool yourself. He’ll drive drunk with her, he’ll be unable to care for her, he will endanger her and ruin her life.

NEVER voluntarily involve the government and it’s agents in your family life. They don’t work for you. They aren’t your rescuers. They aren’t your friends.

Then good luck with no documentation at the divorce. Have fun handing over kids to a neglectful drunk 50 percent of the time.

CPS does not just show up to “make a record” of otherwise unsubstantiated allegations. Once they show up, they’re in charge, not OP. They will do what they please. They might decide that renting OP’s kids out to “foster” parents is a good idea. Regardless what they do, any “record” created with them would establish nothing of substance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, as a recovering alcoholic, I just want to say to not take your husbands drinking and inability to stop as evidence that he doesn’t love you or your daughter,or your life together. He drinks because he is an addict and doesn’t love *himself* enough to stop.

Keep going to Al-anon. Set boundaries for yourself, and for him. You’re not going to change his mind; he has to do it and figure it out for himself. So live your life on your terms.

He hasn’t figured out yet that it’s the first drink that gets him drunk. That alcohol is baffling and cunning, or that he is powerless. All he knows is that he feels guilt and shame, but the easiest way to relieve that guilt and shame is by numbing it with the exact thing that is making him feel guilt and shame.

It’s a horrible place to be, on both sides of the fence. Just take care of yourself and your daughter. You can love and support him, but you don’t have to put up with his sh*t.

Good luck to you. I’m happy to answer any questions if you have any.

Actually, it’s not carping. It’s pointing out the uselessness of negativity about any given method of recovery. The poster didn’t like AA. Some people like it a lot. Other people like different approaches. OP needs positive options.

I really hate this AA talk. Alcohol is not cunning—it’s an inanimate object. Obviously it’s addictive, but just leave it at that. It doesn’t “want” you to do anything.

Are you in recovery? If not, you really don’t get a vote because you don’t know what you’re talking about.

Can you folks take this carping to another thread - it's derailing OP's thread and problem. And it's not helpful.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry you’re going through this, OP. As someone who divorced an alcoholic, this isn’t going to work if he views you as the enforcer of his sobriety. He needs to want this for himself. You can be angry and disappointed, but if the only reason he’s sober any given day is because you’re watching, he’s always going to have set backs when you’re not around. Which is going to just fuel your anger and resentment.

You’re in an awful place. Your husband isn’t a bad person, he’s an addicted person. Unfortunately, your priority has to be the safety of your child, and if you feel she’s unsafe, you need to leave until your husband is in actual, committed recovery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry you’re going through this, OP. As someone who divorced an alcoholic, this isn’t going to work if he views you as the enforcer of his sobriety. He needs to want this for himself. You can be angry and disappointed, but if the only reason he’s sober any given day is because you’re watching, he’s always going to have set backs when you’re not around. Which is going to just fuel your anger and resentment.

You’re in an awful place. Your husband isn’t a bad person, he’s an addicted person. Unfortunately, your priority has to be the safety of your child, and if you feel she’s unsafe, you need to leave until your husband is in actual, committed recovery.

This is OP. I have wondered if he would need for us to separate physically in order to take sobriety seriously. He only talks about taking action. I might consider asking him to go stay with a friend or something. I am not leaving our house with DD.

Also we are supposed to be doing a weekend away next weekend. Right now I can't stand the thought of 3 days in close quarters. I'm already so stressed out.

[Anonymous]

OP, I can't speak directly to your problem, but please know you have not failed your daughter. My grandfather was an alcoholic and died of it. My grandmother didn't divorce him until her her children were teens/tweens and please know that both kids grew up to be functional, excellent human beings, neither of whom are alcoholics. (My father drinks on the lighter side of normal, his sister does not drink at all.)

Wishing you and your family all the best. <3

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I can't speak directly to your problem, but please know you have not failed your daughter. My grandfather was an alcoholic and died of it. My grandmother didn't divorce him until her her children were teens/tweens and please know that both kids grew up to be functional, excellent human beings, neither of whom are alcoholics. (My father drinks on the lighter side of normal, his sister does not drink at all.)

Wishing you and your family all the best. <3

Thanks for saying this, PP. It is a welcome story, as one of the things I'm worried about is DD getting a predisposition for addiction from her dad.