Update to "Minimal amount of secret drinking"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again here with an update.

As I said in my earlier update, about a week and a half ago I asked DH to go stay somewhere else until he's established in a treatment program and not going to put DD at risk again. He's been staying with a family member who doesn't drink. In that time, he's come over a few times to play with our daughter, including this evening.

He said tonight that he's been happier during this time apart than he has in recent weeks living with me and DD. This made me sad, for him and for us.

Parenting solo is making me very tired - though I know it was my choice to ask him to go.

Tomorrow will be our second session with the couples counselor so we'll see how that goes. He is hoping to explore there why he's doing so well living without us.

He had his first alcohol treatment program session yesterday. He said he hasn't had any urges to drink since living separately.

I thought we had so much good going for us and tonight really took the wind out of my sails. I know it's a good thing if he's not having urges but there seems to be a suggestion that he drank because of me/our family.

On a happier note, my best friend flew in this past weekend and it was great to see her and have her support.

I'm hanging in there, mostly.

I'm sure it's less stress during a detox period to be free from responsibilities. It was never you or your child. Take that to the bank. Prayers for you two to work it out when he gets well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again here with an update.

As I said in my earlier update, about a week and a half ago I asked DH to go stay somewhere else until he's established in a treatment program and not going to put DD at risk again. He's been staying with a family member who doesn't drink. In that time, he's come over a few times to play with our daughter, including this evening.

He said tonight that he's been happier during this time apart than he has in recent weeks living with me and DD. This made me sad, for him and for us.

Parenting solo is making me very tired - though I know it was my choice to ask him to go.

Tomorrow will be our second session with the couples counselor so we'll see how that goes. He is hoping to explore there why he's doing so well living without us.

He had his first alcohol treatment program session yesterday. He said he hasn't had any urges to drink since living separately.
I’m sorry OP. You sound like good person. What he says about being happy without you was mean.
I thought we had so much good going for us and tonight really took the wind out of my sails. I know it's a good thing if he's not having urges but there seems to be a suggestion that he drank because of me/our family.

On a happier note, my best friend flew in this past weekend and it was great to see her and have her support.

I'm hanging in there, mostly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again here with an update.

As I said in my earlier update, about a week and a half ago I asked DH to go stay somewhere else until he's established in a treatment program and not going to put DD at risk again. He's been staying with a family member who doesn't drink. In that time, he's come over a few times to play with our daughter, including this evening.

He said tonight that he's been happier during this time apart than he has in recent weeks living with me and DD. This made me sad, for him and for us.

Parenting solo is making me very tired - though I know it was my choice to ask him to go.

Tomorrow will be our second session with the couples counselor so we'll see how that goes. He is hoping to explore there why he's doing so well living without us.

He had his first alcohol treatment program session yesterday. He said he hasn't had any urges to drink since living separately.

I thought we had so much good going for us and tonight really took the wind out of my sails. I know it's a good thing if he's not having urges but there seems to be a suggestion that he drank because of me/our family.

On a happier note, my best friend flew in this past weekend and it was great to see her and have her support.

I'm hanging in there, mostly.

Thanks for the update, OP. I'm so sorry things are still rough for you, but glad you and your daughter are safe. <3 It is very hard alone. I hope you're able to find a support network to help with all you're going through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again here with an update.

As I said in my earlier update, about a week and a half ago I asked DH to go stay somewhere else until he's established in a treatment program and not going to put DD at risk again. He's been staying with a family member who doesn't drink. In that time, he's come over a few times to play with our daughter, including this evening.

He said tonight that he's been happier during this time apart than he has in recent weeks living with me and DD. This made me sad, for him and for us.

Parenting solo is making me very tired - though I know it was my choice to ask him to go.

Tomorrow will be our second session with the couples counselor so we'll see how that goes. He is hoping to explore there why he's doing so well living without us.

He had his first alcohol treatment program session yesterday. He said he hasn't had any urges to drink since living separately.

I thought we had so much good going for us and tonight really took the wind out of my sails. I know it's a good thing if he's not having urges but there seems to be a suggestion that he drank because of me/our family.

On a happier note, my best friend flew in this past weekend and it was great to see her and have her support.

I'm hanging in there, mostly.

His drinking is not because of you or your family and if he’s trying to make you believe it is, he is wrong for that. He needs to take responsibility for himself. Don’t let him make you think it’s because of you. That’s an excuse. Maybe he’s scared to own up to his problem and/or acknowledge the real reasons that may be causing him to drink (past trauma, perhaps)

[Anonymous]

Thanks so much for the replies, PPs.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry to hear this. I was married to an alcoholic and it’s a horrible life. Get out now and you will be ok. Don’t worry about custody, and active addict isn’t going to seek it. My ex did use around my kids but I had arranged it so that it was minimal and with supervision.

[Anonymous]

OMg they are all the same— happier without you and not drinking? No he’s not. He’s drinking but the other person doesn’t know. It make take a few years for them to figure it out. Might take a new wife a few years to figure it out. This is not about you and will never be about you no matter how much he make me it so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMg they are all the same— happier without you and not drinking? No he’s not. He’s drinking but the other person doesn’t know. It make take a few years for them to figure it out. Might take a new wife a few years to figure it out. This is not about you and will never be about you no matter how much he make me it so.

yup. put another way, happier without you because he doesnt feel the burning shame of you looking at him and reminding him he has failed you and your daughter.

OP I hope he succeeds in treatment and you stay together if that’s what you want, but I am on the other side of this - divorced last year after the 4th trip through rehab just as the pandemic started. I am sad that we didnt get to live the life I had in mind for us (we shared hobbies, wanted to teach them to our kids, etc) but i am a million times happier alone/single parenting than I was with all that sneaky, lying, manipulative shit going on under my roof. XDH is pretty involved with the kids and we have protections in place so he cant put them in harms way by drinking (intoxilock in the car, for ex), and I am glad he’s doing better.

It may not be the ending you want but you may be surprised how much better it feels to have all that drama gone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again here with an update.

As I said in my earlier update, about a week and a half ago I asked DH to go stay somewhere else until he's established in a treatment program and not going to put DD at risk again. He's been staying with a family member who doesn't drink. In that time, he's come over a few times to play with our daughter, including this evening.

He said tonight that he's been happier during this time apart than he has in recent weeks living with me and DD. This made me sad, for him and for us.

Parenting solo is making me very tired - though I know it was my choice to ask him to go.

Tomorrow will be our second session with the couples counselor so we'll see how that goes. He is hoping to explore there why he's doing so well living without us.

He had his first alcohol treatment program session yesterday. He said he hasn't had any urges to drink since living separately.
I’m sorry OP. You sound like good person. What he says about being happy without you was mean.
I thought we had so much good going for us and tonight really took the wind out of my sails. I know it's a good thing if he's not having urges but there seems to be a suggestion that he drank because of me/our family.

On a happier note, my best friend flew in this past weekend and it was great to see her and have her support.

I'm hanging in there, mostly.

There is a saying about addicts… do you know when they are lying? When they open their mouth.

You should not take his self reports of not drinking and happiness as truth. He is in an easy situation now where he can place all the blame for his addiction on you instead of taking ownership of his problem and addressing it. This isn’t your fault. Please continue to go to Al Anon if you are not. So many people have been through this and can help you see the patterns and signs of what’s really happening here. Wishing you happiness and healing.

[Anonymous]

Couples counseling is not a good idea at this point. He'll only use it to gaslight you right now and you'll come away feeling worse and blaming yourself.

Individual counseling, and a group for people with alcoholic loved ones. Couples counseling if at some point he's ready to take ownership of the problem and not scapegoat you.

[Anonymous]

OP my situation is a little different but my Ex has major mental health issues that he manages poorly, or not at all. I’ve heard both the “happier apart” BS and “I need the kids to keep me going” BS from him like literally months apart! Addicts etc tend to depersonalize those around them because they are so self absorbed, so you and your baby are just triggers, in one direction or another. I also understand the crushing disappointment and grief when you realize you’ve had children with a fundamentally unstable person. It doesn’t go away but like all grief you learn to live with it. Sending you love and strength, you will get through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:<snip> It’s great that you’re going to Al-Anon. I urge you to also see a counselor who specializes in addiction whether your husband will go with you or not.

Yes I've heard of 90 in 90. I'm not OP. DH has to be willing to try it. Get a sponsor. I don't know anyone who stayed sober without AA.

There are other science based recovery programs like smartrcovery.org that are CBT based (not religious) and have been VERY successful in helping a lot of people get and stay sober.

OP, don't think AA is the only answer. SMART Recovery also has a Friends and Family component that works with Concerned Loved Ones, how to communicate effectively and set realistic boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:<snip> It’s great that you’re going to Al-Anon. I urge you to also see a counselor who specializes in addiction whether your husband will go with you or not.

Yes I've heard of 90 in 90. I'm not OP. DH has to be willing to try it. Get a sponsor. I don't know anyone who stayed sober without AA.

There are other science based recovery programs like smartrcovery.org that are CBT based (not religious) and have been VERY successful in helping a lot of people get and stay sober.

OP, don't think AA is the only answer. SMART Recovery also has a Friends and Family component that works with Concerned Loved Ones, how to communicate effectively and set realistic boundaries.

Thanks, PP. The program he’s doing is a research-based program. There is no religious component. I feel like the program is very solid, it’s his commitment to us that I’m having questions about.

-OP