Update to "Minimal amount of secret drinking"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Right now, I would focus on getting my act together to assume I will be living alone, as the primary caregiver and breadwinner. Because that is likely where you will end up. Maybe not next month, maybe not next year, but eventually. If you get your act together and he suddenly gets serious about sobriety, you should be no worse off.

OP here. This is one area where I'm doing okay and am set up pretty well, among the rest of the chaos. The biggest issue would be that I switched to part-time a few months ago to stay home with our daughter, and am on his health insurance. We had similar incomes when I worked full time and I would be able to ramp back up, but I really like being home with her. Obviously that would not be an option if we separated. Hopefully he gets his act together. I want to believe in him but today I am completely exhausted by all the lying.

I understand as I worked part time for awhile, but you should give serious thought to going full time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Wanted to add that today he called several people - family and close friends (2 of whom are sober) - and shared his addiction. He is hopeful that this will help him be accountable and have more of a community. These phone calls were prompted by my saying how isolated I felt that this was like a secret in our home. He also found 3 treatment programs on his health insurance website and left messages. He said he is a little concerned about the possible waiting time before he's able to get into a program.

I think these are good steps and I hope to muster more enthusiasm about them tomorrow.

Ramp back up your work now — don’t wait.

And you don’t need to be enthusiastic about the steps he is taking. This is his journey — you can be indifferent.

+1

[Anonymous]

Just head to say it’s also fine to find this while thing irritating and, TBH, boring. Alcohol abuse really is just boring at this point. So let him do what he needs to do. Don’t feel like you need to be involved in the drama. He can stop and your lives don’t need to be all about the stopping either.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. Slept poorly and woke up feeling so resentful I didn't want to get out of bed. I am considering asking him to go stay somewhere else for a period of time (unsure how long). I am really angry that he put our daughter at risk like that and I want to see real progress on a treatment plan/program if he's going to be in our home. Also I need to do some thinking. It is so frustrating that nothing happens unless I catch him, I can't live my life being constantly vigilant of his drinking.

Anyone who's been there - would it be a bad idea to ask him to stay with a friend or family? He could still come by to see our toddler. I don't want to break up our family and still hope to work things out but how things have been is not sustainable and I feel like crap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Slept poorly and woke up feeling so resentful I didn't want to get out of bed. I am considering asking him to go stay somewhere else for a period of time (unsure how long). I am really angry that he put our daughter at risk like that and I want to see real progress on a treatment plan/program if he's going to be in our home. Also I need to do some thinking. It is so frustrating that nothing happens unless I catch him, I can't live my life being constantly vigilant of his drinking.

Anyone who's been there - would it be a bad idea to ask him to stay with a friend or family? He could still come by to see our toddler. I don't want to break up our family and still hope to work things out but how things have been is not sustainable and I feel like crap.

Of course you can/should ask him to leave. You deserve space to think things through. And you should not give one thought to whether he will drink more or less outside of your home — it isn’t your problem. Of course, you should help effectuate safe ways to see you kid while he stays somewhere else.

[Anonymous]

OP, absolutely ask him to stay somewhere else for a while, but let him come by to visit with you and your daughter (never alone with daughter if you don't trust him).

I don't have advice for you, but I am sending a lot of love and support. You will do the right thing for you and your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, absolutely ask him to stay somewhere else for a while, but let him come by to visit with you and your daughter (never alone with daughter if you don't trust him).

I don't have advice for you, but I am sending a lot of love and support. You will do the right thing for you and your daughter.

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

So now I don't feel comfortable leaving the house anymore with DD in DH's care. And if we split, I have to worry about her safety even more. I feel so terribly guilty that I've given our toddler this life. She is so perfect and I really messed up.

Oh, OP, my heart broke for you when I read this. You have NOT messed up. I’m glad you are giving Al-Anon a go, and it sounds like you found a good group.

You can deal with this. I know I’m just an anonymous, random person, but I have so much faith in you.

+1

You are giving that child a wonderful mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Wanted to add that today he called several people - family and close friends (2 of whom are sober) - and shared his addiction. He is hopeful that this will help him be accountable and have more of a community. These phone calls were prompted by my saying how isolated I felt that this was like a secret in our home. He also found 3 treatment programs on his health insurance website and left messages. He said he is a little concerned about the possible waiting time before he's able to get into a program.

I think these are good steps and I hope to muster more enthusiasm about them tomorrow.

Wow, this is wonderful OP. He has awareness that he has a disease, and took action steps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

So now I don't feel comfortable leaving the house anymore with DD in DH's care. And if we split, I have to worry about her safety even more. I feel so terribly guilty that I've given our toddler this life. She is so perfect and I really messed up.

Oh, OP, my heart broke for you when I read this. You have NOT messed up. I’m glad you are giving Al-Anon a go, and it sounds like you found a good group.

You can deal with this. I know I’m just an anonymous, random person, but I have so much faith in you.

+1

You are giving that child a wonderful mother.

OP here. This nearly made me cry! Thank you, kind stranger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

So now I don't feel comfortable leaving the house anymore with DD in DH's care. And if we split, I have to worry about her safety even more. I feel so terribly guilty that I've given our toddler this life. She is so perfect and I really messed up.

Oh, OP, my heart broke for you when I read this. You have NOT messed up. I’m glad you are giving Al-Anon a go, and it sounds like you found a good group.

You can deal with this. I know I’m just an anonymous, random person, but I have so much faith in you.

+1

You are giving that child a wonderful mother.

I second this. OP, you have not messed up - you are taking steps proactively to protect your child and yourself. That is the definition of good mothering.

I will also note that your tone in your updated posts is altogether different from what it was in your first posts. You are acknowledging the reality of the situation and backing away from your (previous) self-blame and hyper-responsibility and putting your DH's choices squarely on DH. You are thinking about how best to proceed in view of the facts as they are.

I wish I knew you IRL because I would offer to help however I could.

I think you are doing a wonderful job. Hang in there and please keep us updated.

[Anonymous]

Thanks so much, PPs. Especially the people who said I'm not screwing up as a mom.

Yesterday I asked him to leave and he did. He was understanding that I need to see progress on him actually committing to a program in order to feel comfortable having him here and especially caring for our daughter alone. Also I am just so stressed out by the whole situation that being in his presence was giving me terrible anxiety and I need some space to think.

I felt fine yesterday evening. Today I feel lonely. I love being married and didn't ask for this sh!t. Tried to dial into an Al Anon meeting but there was too much chaos with my toddler to participate. Took her to a splash pad instead. I'm glad we got out of the house. I'll try Al-Anon again tomorrow.

My best friend is going to make a plan to fly in sometime soon, so that will be good. I should call some other friends about this, and I will, but I'm not looking forward to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks so much, PPs. Especially the people who said I'm not screwing up as a mom.

Yesterday I asked him to leave and he did. He was understanding that I need to see progress on him actually committing to a program in order to feel comfortable having him here and especially caring for our daughter alone. Also I am just so stressed out by the whole situation that being in his presence was giving me terrible anxiety and I need some space to think.

I felt fine yesterday evening. Today I feel lonely. I love being married and didn't ask for this sh!t. Tried to dial into an Al Anon meeting but there was too much chaos with my toddler to participate. Took her to a splash pad instead. I'm glad we got out of the house. I'll try Al-Anon again tomorrow.

My best friend is going to make a plan to fly in sometime soon, so that will be good. I should call some other friends about this, and I will, but I'm not looking forward to it.

Definitely reach out to really good friends that you know just want the best for you. Be honest that you want them to know what is going on, but you don’t know if you will end up staying together or not. And that you want their support no matter which way this goes.

[Anonymous]

When my husband was in rehab, there was a great phone Al-Anon meeting that started at 10 pm ET. I bet this has actually gotten better during COVID.

Hang in there, OP.

[Anonymous]

OP again here with an update.

As I said in my earlier update, about a week and a half ago I asked DH to go stay somewhere else until he's established in a treatment program and not going to put DD at risk again. He's been staying with a family member who doesn't drink. In that time, he's come over a few times to play with our daughter, including this evening.

He said tonight that he's been happier during this time apart than he has in recent weeks living with me and DD. This made me sad, for him and for us.

Parenting solo is making me very tired - though I know it was my choice to ask him to go.

Tomorrow will be our second session with the couples counselor so we'll see how that goes. He is hoping to explore there why he's doing so well living without us.

He had his first alcohol treatment program session yesterday. He said he hasn't had any urges to drink since living separately.

I thought we had so much good going for us and tonight really took the wind out of my sails. I know it's a good thing if he's not having urges but there seems to be a suggestion that he drank because of me/our family.

On a happier note, my best friend flew in this past weekend and it was great to see her and have her support.

I'm hanging in there, mostly.