Update to "Minimal amount of secret drinking"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, as a recovering alcoholic, I just want to say to not take your husbands drinking and inability to stop as evidence that he doesn’t love you or your daughter,or your life together. He drinks because he is an addict and doesn’t love *himself* enough to stop.

Keep going to Al-anon. Set boundaries for yourself, and for him. You’re not going to change his mind; he has to do it and figure it out for himself. So live your life on your terms.

He hasn’t figured out yet that it’s the first drink that gets him drunk. That alcohol is baffling and cunning, or that he is powerless. All he knows is that he feels guilt and shame, but the easiest way to relieve that guilt and shame is by numbing it with the exact thing that is making him feel guilt and shame.

It’s a horrible place to be, on both sides of the fence. Just take care of yourself and your daughter. You can love and support him, but you don’t have to put up with his sh*t.

Good luck to you. I’m happy to answer any questions if you have any.

I really hate this AA talk. Alcohol is not cunning—it’s an inanimate object. Obviously it’s addictive, but just leave it at that. It doesn’t “want” you to do anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up with an alcoholic father. Although he never abused us he was a total drain on our home.

Leave for your and kids sake but also for his. He will either get better after getting the message or spiral into death. You can't keep doing this.

My dad was an alcoholic and spiral into death after the divorce was literally what he did. He died when I was 14 and my parents had been divorced around 10-11 years at that point. It was inordinately stressful as a kid up to that point though. I hated going to spend the weekends with him--dealing with someone who's hungover and won't get out of bed to help you get food in the morning really sucks. Being left to your own devices really sucks. There's no good answer OP--the best you can hope for is he will let you have primary custody. If you're forced to send your daughter to be with him, send snacks and food so she's not left without while he's incapacitated. All that said, it kept me from being an alcoholic--I didn't touch alcohol until my 40s and then I couldn't figure out what the fuss is about. It also contributed to me being a very independent person. I had to be!

[Anonymous]

Thank you, PPs. I’m reading all the replies and trying to breathe.

-OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, as a recovering alcoholic, I just want to say to not take your husbands drinking and inability to stop as evidence that he doesn’t love you or your daughter,or your life together. He drinks because he is an addict and doesn’t love *himself* enough to stop.

Keep going to Al-anon. Set boundaries for yourself, and for him. You’re not going to change his mind; he has to do it and figure it out for himself. So live your life on your terms.

He hasn’t figured out yet that it’s the first drink that gets him drunk. That alcohol is baffling and cunning, or that he is powerless. All he knows is that he feels guilt and shame, but the easiest way to relieve that guilt and shame is by numbing it with the exact thing that is making him feel guilt and shame.

It’s a horrible place to be, on both sides of the fence. Just take care of yourself and your daughter. You can love and support him, but you don’t have to put up with his sh*t.

Good luck to you. I’m happy to answer any questions if you have any.

I really hate this AA talk. Alcohol is not cunning—it’s an inanimate object. Obviously it’s addictive, but just leave it at that. It doesn’t “want” you to do anything.

I get ere you’re coming from, but you say that because you’ve never felt baffled or enticed by it without understanding why. You don’t feel the pull to it, despite the fact that it’s destroying your life. You don’t see it everywhere and wonder why you can’t just have one like a “normal” person.

And let’s face it, it is a legal drug with terrible health and societal ramifications. It’s also advertised, sold, and served everywhere. You don’t find mommy wine culture baffling?

[Anonymous]

So now I don't feel comfortable leaving the house anymore with DD in DH's care. And if we split, I have to worry about her safety even more. I feel so terribly guilty that I've given our toddler this life. She is so perfect and I really messed up.

Oh, OP, my heart broke for you when I read this. You have NOT messed up. I’m glad you are giving Al-Anon a go, and it sounds like you found a good group.

You can deal with this. I know I’m just an anonymous, random person, but I have so much faith in you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

So now I don't feel comfortable leaving the house anymore with DD in DH's care. And if we split, I have to worry about her safety even more. I feel so terribly guilty that I've given our toddler this life. She is so perfect and I really messed up.

Oh, OP, my heart broke for you when I read this. You have NOT messed up. I’m glad you are giving Al-Anon a go, and it sounds like you found a good group.

You can deal with this. I know I’m just an anonymous, random person, but I have so much faith in you.

This is OP, thank you for saying this. I tend to be hard on myself and I am nauseous thinking I made the world’s biggest mistake, but it’s confusing because my daughter is the best thing to ever happen to me. I want to believe that if this marriage does not work out, it was still a good decision because I got my wonderful daughter, and if I’d married someone else I wouldn’t have had her. I’m a mess right now, clearly.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry you're in this situation. You're definitely between a rock and a hard place. However, I do want to caution you to not listen to the posters that say that AA is the ONLY way. It may help some, but it's 'higher power' and history of treating white men with wives has disenfranchised a lot of people, many of whom have found recovery through other routes. There are medications he can try - from Antibuse to Vivitol (injections that reduce cravings), other meetings (SmartRecovery), and online supports such as the Facebook group The Alcohol Experiment. There is lots of help out there waiting for him. Move into the 21st century, connect him to an alcohol and drug counselor who is willing to look outside the box, and cross your fingers that one of these approaches speaks to him.

You're not likely to get full custody unless he agrees to it. BTDT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry you're in this situation. You're definitely between a rock and a hard place. However, I do want to caution you to not listen to the posters that say that AA is the ONLY way. It may help some, but it's 'higher power' and history of treating white men with wives has disenfranchised a lot of people, many of whom have found recovery through other routes. There are medications he can try - from Antibuse to Vivitol (injections that reduce cravings), other meetings (SmartRecovery), and online supports such as the Facebook group The Alcohol Experiment. There is lots of help out there waiting for him. Move into the 21st century, connect him to an alcohol and drug counselor who is willing to look outside the box, and cross your fingers that one of these approaches speaks to him.

You're not likely to get full custody unless he agrees to it. BTDT.

DP - all of the above is true, but what I see missing in OP's posts is her husband's willingness/readiness to seek help. That's a very hard place to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

So now I don't feel comfortable leaving the house anymore with DD in DH's care. And if we split, I have to worry about her safety even more. I feel so terribly guilty that I've given our toddler this life. She is so perfect and I really messed up.

Oh, OP, my heart broke for you when I read this. You have NOT messed up. I’m glad you are giving Al-Anon a go, and it sounds like you found a good group.

You can deal with this. I know I’m just an anonymous, random person, but I have so much faith in you.

This is OP, thank you for saying this. I tend to be hard on myself and I am nauseous thinking I made the world’s biggest mistake, but it’s confusing because my daughter is the best thing to ever happen to me. I want to believe that if this marriage does not work out, it was still a good decision because I got my wonderful daughter, and if I’d married someone else I wouldn’t have had her. I’m a mess right now, clearly.

PP again. My mom divorced my dad when I was very young, around 4. He was very charming, but also awful with money (and probably had a drinking problem, too, I realized when I got older). But she ALWAYS said she never regretted marrying my dad because she got me out of the deal. My parents getting divorced when I was so young was definitely the best thing for me and my mom, but I know every family is different.

I think your daughter will always know how much you love her, because you strike me as the kind of parent who will make sure she knows, through your actions and your words.

[Anonymous]

Have not read entirety of both threads, so I apologize if this advice has already been given. Get a copy of Alan Carr’s short book, the Easy Way to Control Alcohol, and ask him to read it. Read it too yourself. This book explains why willpower simply does not work; what works is understanding that alcohol is a poison, pure and simple, and that all the little things we tell ourselves about its supposed benefits are false. For many who can’t get into all the quasi-religious aspects of AA, this book is a godsend. It was for me.

A DH who used to act like your DH.

[Anonymous]

I know you don’t want to divorce - and I understand that fully.

Copy and paste all of these posts, with added dates and times for every drinking incident, and keep a journal of them in case you change your mind.

Document it so that you have a stronger case for less visitation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, as a recovering alcoholic, I just want to say to not take your husbands drinking and inability to stop as evidence that he doesn’t love you or your daughter,or your life together. He drinks because he is an addict and doesn’t love *himself* enough to stop.

Keep going to Al-anon. Set boundaries for yourself, and for him. You’re not going to change his mind; he has to do it and figure it out for himself. So live your life on your terms.

He hasn’t figured out yet that it’s the first drink that gets him drunk. That alcohol is baffling and cunning, or that he is powerless. All he knows is that he feels guilt and shame, but the easiest way to relieve that guilt and shame is by numbing it with the exact thing that is making him feel guilt and shame.

It’s a horrible place to be, on both sides of the fence. Just take care of yourself and your daughter. You can love and support him, but you don’t have to put up with his sh*t.

Good luck to you. I’m happy to answer any questions if you have any.

I really hate this AA talk. Alcohol is not cunning—it’s an inanimate object. Obviously it’s addictive, but just leave it at that. It doesn’t “want” you to do anything.

I get ere you’re coming from, but you say that because you’ve never felt baffled or enticed by it without understanding why. You don’t feel the pull to it, despite the fact that it’s destroying your life. You don’t see it everywhere and wonder why you can’t just have one like a “normal” person.

And let’s face it, it is a legal drug with terrible health and societal ramifications. It’s also advertised, sold, and served everywhere. You don’t find mommy wine culture baffling?

Wrong. How would I even recognize the above as AA-speak if I hadn’t spent some time in it? I just think this weird characterization of alcohol as some sort of actively malevolent force is weird and unhelpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

So now I don't feel comfortable leaving the house anymore with DD in DH's care. And if we split, I have to worry about her safety even more. I feel so terribly guilty that I've given our toddler this life. She is so perfect and I really messed up.

Oh, OP, my heart broke for you when I read this. You have NOT messed up. I’m glad you are giving Al-Anon a go, and it sounds like you found a good group.

You can deal with this. I know I’m just an anonymous, random person, but I have so much faith in you.

I agree. You have nothing to feel bad about. Please stay in touch with us.

[Anonymous]

I don't have any advice OP. I just want to offer encouragement from an internet stranger. Also you are not a failure and you have not failed your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up with an alcoholic father. Although he never abused us he was a total drain on our home.

Leave for your and kids sake but also for his. He will either get better after getting the message or spiral into death. You can't keep doing this.

I grew up with alcoholic parents. Very high functioning, but alcoholic nonetheless. I can tell you firsthand that my childhood experience with alcoholism has had a major impact on the rest of my life. I am independent to a fault, struggle with intimacy, struggle with hyper responsibility and lack of boundaries. I became an adult much too early, and have a lot of difficulty distinguishing between what is my responsibility and what is not. I am responsible for everything, basically.

When I was younger and dating, I had a lot of difficulties recognizing behavior in men that amounted to treating me poorly. I think that underneath it all, I do not have a deep-seated belief that I am lovable. Alcoholics put themselves first and neglect their children in various ways.

The only person I trust is myself. I do not have emotional intimacy in my marriage (understatement).

OP, you have not messed up. You are addressing this problem so that your daughter does not bear the brunt of it. That’s what’s most important here.

Big hugs to you.