Update to "Minimal amount of secret drinking"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry you’re going through this, OP. As someone who divorced an alcoholic, this isn’t going to work if he views you as the enforcer of his sobriety. He needs to want this for himself. You can be angry and disappointed, but if the only reason he’s sober any given day is because you’re watching, he’s always going to have set backs when you’re not around. Which is going to just fuel your anger and resentment.

You’re in an awful place. Your husband isn’t a bad person, he’s an addicted person. Unfortunately, your priority has to be the safety of your child, and if you feel she’s unsafe, you need to leave until your husband is in actual, committed recovery.

This is OP. I have wondered if he would need for us to separate physically in order to take sobriety seriously. He only talks about taking action. I might consider asking him to go stay with a friend or something. I am not leaving our house with DD.

Also we are supposed to be doing a weekend away next weekend. Right now I can't stand the thought of 3 days in close quarters. I'm already so stressed out.

There are no good answers. The weekend away, if it’s just you two, could be good. Him staying with a friend could just lead to excessive drinking. It doesn’t sound like he’s taking this seriously, but it’s impossible to know what his rock bottom is that will make him want to change.

My ex’s rock bottom was me leaving. He moved back to his home town, is in recovery, and now happily married with two kids. But it took me leaving for him to get there, and he’s still a recovering alcoholic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry you’re going through this, OP. As someone who divorced an alcoholic, this isn’t going to work if he views you as the enforcer of his sobriety. He needs to want this for himself. You can be angry and disappointed, but if the only reason he’s sober any given day is because you’re watching, he’s always going to have set backs when you’re not around. Which is going to just fuel your anger and resentment.

You’re in an awful place. Your husband isn’t a bad person, he’s an addicted person. Unfortunately, your priority has to be the safety of your child, and if you feel she’s unsafe, you need to leave until your husband is in actual, committed recovery.

This is OP. I have wondered if he would need for us to separate physically in order to take sobriety seriously. He only talks about taking action. I might consider asking him to go stay with a friend or something. I am not leaving our house with DD.

Also we are supposed to be doing a weekend away next weekend. Right now I can't stand the thought of 3 days in close quarters. I'm already so stressed out.

There are no good answers. The weekend away, if it’s just you two, could be good. Him staying with a friend could just lead to excessive drinking. It doesn’t sound like he’s taking this seriously, but it’s impossible to know what his rock bottom is that will make him want to change.

My ex’s rock bottom was me leaving. He moved back to his home town, is in recovery, and now happily married with two kids. But it took me leaving for him to get there, and he’s still a recovering alcoholic.

Hi PP, the weekend away is with DD, too.

Yeah, the staying with a friend could definitely lead to excessive drinking. I'm just so tired of being the enforcer of sobriety. It's not a role I seek out but he's so bad at hiding it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP of the "Minimal amount of secret drinking" thread: https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/983882.page

Today I'm not in a good place. DH stayed sober for 2 weeks. Two nights ago, on Thursday evening, I went and had dinner with a friend after putting our toddler to bed. DH stayed home with toddler and took about 6 shots of tequila. He didn't have access to booze in the house so he ordered on one of those booze delivery apps. It makes my heart feel cold that he could do this when DD is in his care, even if she's asleep. I said, "what if she needed you?" and he said "I was fine" before acquiescing to the fact that no one is fine after 6 shots. Before this, I felt a lot more sympathy for DH but today I am struggling to feel anything but negativity.

This only came to light because the following day, yesterday, I saw him take a pull from this bottle in his work bag as he was wrapping up his work from home day. He still tried to lie to my face.

So now I don't feel comfortable leaving the house anymore with DD in DH's care. And if we split, I have to worry about her safety even more. I feel so terribly guilty that I've given our toddler this life. She is so perfect and I really messed up. Thinking about the future and what DD and I will have to deal with makes me want to throw up.

Also - a bunch of PPs recommended Al-Anon, and I was able to go to a virtual meeting this week which was really good. The people were so nice. I am going to try to do another meeting soon.

There is more, but I wanted to get this out of my head while I have a minute. Thanks again to everyone who has been so kind to me.

It’s a disease and they can’t stop. It’s incredibly hard to stop. I think stats are like 1 in 30 alcoholics quit.

You need to make sure you are on your two feet and support yourself and kids and prepare to separate any minute. It’s a progressive disease, meaning things will get worse m. Alcoholics lose jobs and their health and everything else.

We had dinner with friends last night. The guy is an alco, he quit for a few months, but then had one drink. You know, they can’t have one or just a few. Last night he was drinking like crazy to catch up. He deliberately got wasted in a couple hours. It’s very sad.

[Anonymous]

Right now, I would focus on getting my act together to assume I will be living alone, as the primary caregiver and breadwinner. Because that is likely where you will end up. Maybe not next month, maybe not next year, but eventually. If you get your act together and he suddenly gets serious about sobriety, you should be no worse off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP of the "Minimal amount of secret drinking" thread: https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/983882.page

Today I'm not in a good place. DH stayed sober for 2 weeks. Two nights ago, on Thursday evening, I went and had dinner with a friend after putting our toddler to bed. DH stayed home with toddler and took about 6 shots of tequila. He didn't have access to booze in the house so he ordered on one of those booze delivery apps. It makes my heart feel cold that he could do this when DD is in his care, even if she's asleep. I said, "what if she needed you?" and he said "I was fine" before acquiescing to the fact that no one is fine after 6 shots. Before this, I felt a lot more sympathy for DH but today I am struggling to feel anything but negativity.

This only came to light because the following day, yesterday, I saw him take a pull from this bottle in his work bag as he was wrapping up his work from home day. He still tried to lie to my face.

So now I don't feel comfortable leaving the house anymore with DD in DH's care. And if we split, I have to worry about her safety even more. I feel so terribly guilty that I've given our toddler this life. She is so perfect and I really messed up. Thinking about the future and what DD and I will have to deal with makes me want to throw up.

Also - a bunch of PPs recommended Al-Anon, and I was able to go to a virtual meeting this week which was really good. The people were so nice. I am going to try to do another meeting soon.

There is more, but I wanted to get this out of my head while I have a minute. Thanks again to everyone who has been so kind to me.

Move out with your child until he gets himself help and stays sober.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Right now, I would focus on getting my act together to assume I will be living alone, as the primary caregiver and breadwinner. Because that is likely where you will end up. Maybe not next month, maybe not next year, but eventually. If you get your act together and he suddenly gets serious about sobriety, you should be no worse off.

OP here. This is one area where I'm doing okay and am set up pretty well, among the rest of the chaos. The biggest issue would be that I switched to part-time a few months ago to stay home with our daughter, and am on his health insurance. We had similar incomes when I worked full time and I would be able to ramp back up, but I really like being home with her. Obviously that would not be an option if we separated. Hopefully he gets his act together. I want to believe in him but today I am completely exhausted by all the lying.

[Anonymous]

He needs medical treatment for alcoholism. AA, 90 in 90, etc is a great supplement and necessary for many, but it is not health care. He needs health care to help him stop drinking. This is not a DIY situation.

Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

OP again. Wanted to add that today he called several people - family and close friends (2 of whom are sober) - and shared his addiction. He is hopeful that this will help him be accountable and have more of a community. These phone calls were prompted by my saying how isolated I felt that this was like a secret in our home. He also found 3 treatment programs on his health insurance website and left messages. He said he is a little concerned about the possible waiting time before he's able to get into a program.

I think these are good steps and I hope to muster more enthusiasm about them tomorrow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Wanted to add that today he called several people - family and close friends (2 of whom are sober) - and shared his addiction. He is hopeful that this will help him be accountable and have more of a community. These phone calls were prompted by my saying how isolated I felt that this was like a secret in our home. He also found 3 treatment programs on his health insurance website and left messages. He said he is a little concerned about the possible waiting time before he's able to get into a program.

I think these are good steps and I hope to muster more enthusiasm about them tomorrow.

OP, a friend of mine recently went through this with her roommate during Covid. She loves this roommate & they've been friends for 10+ years & addiction wasn't at all evident until last April at the peak of the pandemic. At any rate, my friend happens to have several sober friends who are in recovery, & they found a sponsor for & then served as a supportive community for the struggling roommate until AA could step in (and afterwards - it's my impression that they are all still involved). Perhaps the sober friends could help with structures until programs have openings? I imagine that AA doesn't have any type of wait tho.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Right now, I would focus on getting my act together to assume I will be living alone, as the primary caregiver and breadwinner. Because that is likely where you will end up. Maybe not next month, maybe not next year, but eventually. If you get your act together and he suddenly gets serious about sobriety, you should be no worse off.

OP here. This is one area where I'm doing okay and am set up pretty well, among the rest of the chaos. The biggest issue would be that I switched to part-time a few months ago to stay home with our daughter, and am on his health insurance. We had similar incomes when I worked full time and I would be able to ramp back up, but I really like being home with her. Obviously that would not be an option if we separated. Hopefully he gets his act together. I want to believe in him but today I am completely exhausted by all the lying.

You need to be real. He will likely get fired at some point. You need a full time job.

[Anonymous]

I don't have much advice, but I'm sending you strength, OP. You sound like a great mom and spouse and I'm sorry you have to go through this. And though it must be incredibly hard, you should be proud of yourself and see how strong you are. Pulling for your DH to get better soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Right now, I would focus on getting my act together to assume I will be living alone, as the primary caregiver and breadwinner. Because that is likely where you will end up. Maybe not next month, maybe not next year, but eventually. If you get your act together and he suddenly gets serious about sobriety, you should be no worse off.

OP here. This is one area where I'm doing okay and am set up pretty well, among the rest of the chaos. The biggest issue would be that I switched to part-time a few months ago to stay home with our daughter, and am on his health insurance. We had similar incomes when I worked full time and I would be able to ramp back up, but I really like being home with her. Obviously that would not be an option if we separated. Hopefully he gets his act together. I want to believe in him but today I am completely exhausted by all the lying.

You need to be real. He will likely get fired at some point. You need a full time job.

Sounds like OP can ramp up to full-time when she needs to. She may need a few weeks of remaining PT to deal with things and shore up the walls. But yeah, maybe she should speak with her supervisor about resuming FT at some point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Right now, I would focus on getting my act together to assume I will be living alone, as the primary caregiver and breadwinner. Because that is likely where you will end up. Maybe not next month, maybe not next year, but eventually. If you get your act together and he suddenly gets serious about sobriety, you should be no worse off.

OP here. This is one area where I'm doing okay and am set up pretty well, among the rest of the chaos. The biggest issue would be that I switched to part-time a few months ago to stay home with our daughter, and am on his health insurance. We had similar incomes when I worked full time and I would be able to ramp back up, but I really like being home with her. Obviously that would not be an option if we separated. Hopefully he gets his act together. I want to believe in him but today I am completely exhausted by all the lying.

You need to be real. He will likely get fired at some point. You need a full time job.

Sounds like OP can ramp up to full-time when she needs to. She may need a few weeks of remaining PT to deal with things and shore up the walls. But yeah, maybe she should speak with her supervisor about resuming FT at some point.

OP doesn’t have much leverage while she is unable to support herself and her daughter. Unfortunately, this exact scenario is where so many women end up staying in marriages that are unhealthy. I really doubt that he will take action unless he seriously believes that he is about to lose her and DD. And he won’t believe her threats until he sees that she is taking action to leave.

[Anonymous]

Outpatient detox is available, and should be followed by Intensive Outpatient Treatment (3 days a week, 3 hours a day, typically at night so people can work during the day).

If inpatient doesn't have an opening, Outpatient definitely will. It doesn't typically have the same hard limits like with beds/rooms in inpatient.

So if your husband says there are no openings, you can point this out as a ready option. And your PCP may be able to recommend a particular IOP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Wanted to add that today he called several people - family and close friends (2 of whom are sober) - and shared his addiction. He is hopeful that this will help him be accountable and have more of a community. These phone calls were prompted by my saying how isolated I felt that this was like a secret in our home. He also found 3 treatment programs on his health insurance website and left messages. He said he is a little concerned about the possible waiting time before he's able to get into a program.

I think these are good steps and I hope to muster more enthusiasm about them tomorrow.

Ramp back up your work now — don’t wait.

And you don’t need to be enthusiastic about the steps he is taking. This is his journey — you can be indifferent.