Reply to Resent husband and his sibling over care of Mother in Law

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here- to get conversation back on track- money is ok. She was a teacher so middle class had savings and has enough for assisted living-  as mentioned, we thought she was in good health dec 1 when we brought her to stay with us— just all her rides and activities ended with covid isolating her.   We had no idea how bad she was and maybe a year isolated with covid led to downfall?.  
   [b]Point is we had plan to move her into senior living near us- it was wonderful complex with lots of activities— under construction ready in May[/b]— this “in between” period has been eye opener and now we are figuring Out daily this situation.
 BIL is good guy - no abuse - nothing weird- he and his wife just retired and are building house 2 states away. I don’t think my husband has put down his foot to say ( or maybe he doesn’t agree) that they need to come stay in hotel every other month and help us. They call her daily and they physically moved her stuff up her but then went back to their life. I feel like they are retired and should help more. They are posting pics skiing with their kids- going on walks, enjoying life and I’m about to get divorced and lose my marbles!  It’s really like having an adult special needs child - and we had no idea how to handle. We take her to doc for something every few weeks- [b]she doesn’t eat or bath- she has gotten very difficult[/b]- we weren’t prepared for this -I’m just mad they don’t come here and physically help us. It makes me resent my husband. I feel horrible about that. [/quote]

New poster here.   My mom has dementia (she is only 72) and i have written about her a lot here.

Honestly, from what you have said, I don't think your mom belongs in assisted living.  I think she needs to be in a memory care unit.  Does the facility you've chosen for her offer that?[/quote]

This. Also, OP it is not your place or your brothers to put a foot down and tell someone to more. They just have different boundaries than you do. If your marriage is on edge then clearly the plan isn't working. You don't get to blame your inlaws. Clearly the mom needs residential and I agree with PP do memory care. I went the martyr route of doing backflips to help my parent with Alzheimers and the reward is resentment and health issues. You don't do in your family and neglect spouse and kids for an elderly parent who hopefully would never want that to happen. Do you think she wants the family to go to war over her care? That is what will happen if you try to insist siblings do more than they are willing to do. Work on finding her the right residential and visit often. It is not your place to dictate how often the other inlaws visit. You figure out what your family can handle and don't try to control or manipulate others. It is not their fault that your husband has decided to take on so much.[/quote]

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