Can you have a successful sexless marriage?

[Anonymous]

OP, just have an affair or ask your wife to open the relationship. It is unreasonable not to want to meet your partner’s sexual needs.

[Anonymous]

My wife and I haven’t touched each other in like five years and I am divorcing her because of it. Yes we have kids but I just couldn’t take it any more

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I haven’t touched each other in like five years and I am divorcing her because of it. Yes we have kids but I just couldn’t take it any more

^^^ men who only touch for sex end up like this

[Anonymous]

My DH is the one with hang ups
os and low sex drive. After years of this I’m over it and resentful. My drive has bottomed out but everywoman I know who was in a sexless marriage had her drive skyrocket as soon as she divorced. Women need more variety, men need convenience. Or read “why we can’t sleep” about how gen c women are super screwed because we have the careers our moms couldn’t have AND we spend twice as much time with our kids as stay at home moms did in the 70s. And we are supposed to stay in shape, not age, have Instagram worthy homes, kids in travel teams And sex at least three times a week for a healthy marriage. It’s relentless and impossible.

[Anonymous]

It's AMAZING how low-libido women did not need much romance, and even initiate sex regularly when they want to get married and then get pregnant, but they WILL set ever-changing excuses or goal posts (romance, connection, blah, blah) once they have the number of kids they want.

The most they will do is to give you starfish sex in order to stop you from complaining or leaving the marriage. Unsurprisingly, if you are decent husband and father who finally threatens divorce, they will suddenly 'find' their libido again. Ask me how I know.

But don't be fooled. They don't really care about your physical need for sex or wanting to feel a connection through sex. It is again only about what THEY WANT (a stable family), even if you think you finally managed to convince yourself that they care about your feelings and needs.

And if you ask for advice from the sexless wives here on how to romance your wife, it will never work better than to ask for a divorce. Hopefully she will finally appreciate you at the thought of losing a good husband and put some effort into romance and sex, OR grant you a divorce after admitting that she does not love you enough to put in the effort.

The worst thing she can do is to pretend to be enthusiastic about sex, which will not be sustainable anyway. She will become less enthusiastic when she is tired of pretending.

If she does not care enough about you to initiate sex sometimes or be nice/ romantic to you as well (such as during dating days), it is best for the H to have courage, take the high road and divorce her.

Don't cheat! Being driven to cheat because you are not loved by your sexless wife will only make you look like the bad guy and help her look like the victim, not to mention giving her the perfect excuse to say 'well, he chose to cheat, not that my countless rejections over the years have anything to do with it'. Lol.

Anyway, if my perspective is unhealthy, I welcome anyone to point out what else a husband can do if the sexless wife refuses sex for years without giving any reason (except that “we just need to take good care of the children”), threatens immediate divorce upfront if the husband feels that he does not need to become a monk and decides to cheat (to keep himself sane), and she also refuses to go for counselling.

In my case, starfish sex is only bestowed a few times over the years after I performed some truly back-breaking work for the family (planning annual family vacations, selling/ buying/ moving homes, planning/ supervising renovations and fully paying for the new home).
Newsflash: we men can tell when you are not interested and only think of sex as a chore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Regarding women needing DH to be more romantic/amorous leading up to sex, I have a concrete example that I think might ring true for many.

My biggest pet peeve in this area is that sometimes my DH just retreats behind screens all day. He’s on his phone or iPad all day, even in the evening when we are watching a movie together. If I reach out to touch him, no response— he’s focused on Twitter or whatever. Even when we go to bed, he’s focused on a screen.

Then just as I’m turning out my light to go to sleep, he gets cuddly and is interested in sex. This actually makes me mad. I cannot be invisible to him all day and then suddenly turn it on for sex. That’s absurd. It honestly makes me feel used.

Now, this isn’t all the time. He’s usually more engaged than that. But he’ll go through phases where he is just very internally focused, but expect me to suddenly want sex when he finally decided, at 11pm, to turn his attention to me. No. That’s insulting.

When I see men saying “oh, you just want him to jump through hoops for you and reward and punish him depending on how her performs.” No. It’s not a quid pro quo. But sex cannot be the only way we connect during the day. My body doesn’t work that way, and frankly neither does my brain. I don’t want to have sex with someone who has expressed no interest in my thoughts or feelings recently. If he wants to retreat internally for a bit for whatever reason, that’s fine. But then no sex until he’s ready to come be and active participant in our relationship. I’m not punishing him or giving him an ultimatum, I’m just responding to what he’s giving me.

+100 it’s like an assault. Sex starts with the brain. If it isn’t initiated during the day, week, month, then don’t be surprised that the sex is just for God and country.

[Anonymous]

As I've said before, there is no better place I've found on the internet to convince me to never get married again. I'll never have a GF that gets away with denying me sex, no matter her perceived good reasons.

[Anonymous]

The OP isn’t really describing a sexless marriage, he’s describing a sexual mismatch. There’s a big difference between a couple where one person is constantly rejected and wants more sex and one where neither partner is interested.

[Anonymous]

OP, this forum isn't the place to ask this question as you will get the answers you have seen. I find that it is about the mind space and timing. If marriage is important to you, what you prioritize is also important. If sex is a dealbreaker, have a discussion with your wife that it is the case and be ready to divorce if nothing changes. Otherwise, what you have said in your post makes sense. Also know that as you get older, the sense of shared history becomes important as well and how you interact with your kids/grandkids becomes easier if you are together. I don't think that's important for many of the men on here as sex and so you will have to decide what is important to you. I also think that many of the men write on here about their dissatisfaction with their marriage/sex lives because they are trying to find a justification for leaving in their mind. If you want an excuse for something, it's quite easy to do so. I would take time to really think things through and take a look at the future you want holistically (thinking about yourself/kids/family etc.).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's AMAZING how low-libido women did not need much romance, and even initiate sex regularly when they want to get married and then get pregnant, but they WILL set ever-changing excuses or goal posts (romance, connection, blah, blah) once they have the number of kids they want.

The most they will do is to give you starfish sex in order to stop you from complaining or leaving the marriage. Unsurprisingly, if you are decent husband and father who finally threatens divorce, they will suddenly 'find' their libido again. Ask me how I know.

But don't be fooled. They don't really care about your physical need for sex or wanting to feel a connection through sex. It is again only about what THEY WANT (a stable family), even if you think you finally managed to convince yourself that they care about your feelings and needs.

And if you ask for advice from the sexless wives here on how to romance your wife, it will never work better than to ask for a divorce. Hopefully she will finally appreciate you at the thought of losing a good husband and put some effort into romance and sex, OR grant you a divorce after admitting that she does not love you enough to put in the effort.

The worst thing she can do is to pretend to be enthusiastic about sex, which will not be sustainable anyway. She will become less enthusiastic when she is tired of pretending.

If she does not care enough about you to initiate sex sometimes or be nice/ romantic to you as well (such as during dating days), it is best for the H to have courage, take the high road and divorce her.

Don't cheat! Being driven to cheat because you are not loved by your sexless wife will only make you look like the bad guy and help her look like the victim, not to mention giving her the perfect excuse to say 'well, he chose to cheat, not that my countless rejections over the years have anything to do with it'. Lol.

Anyway, if my perspective is unhealthy, I welcome anyone to point out what else a husband can do if the sexless wife refuses sex for years without giving any reason (except that “we just need to take good care of the children”), threatens immediate divorce upfront if the husband feels that he does not need to become a monk and decides to cheat (to keep himself sane), and she also refuses to go for counselling.

In my case, starfish sex is only bestowed a few times over the years after I performed some truly back-breaking work for the family (planning annual family vacations, selling/ buying/ moving homes, planning/ supervising renovations and fully paying for the new home).
Newsflash: we men can tell when you are not interested and only think of sex as a chore.

Please just drive away in your 12 year old Volvo.

[Anonymous]

I truly believe that men and women are incompatible. They come together and reproduce due to a combination of hormones and societal expectations, but that's fleeting. Unfortunately, I'm heterosexual so relationships are impossible.

Luckily, I'm an extreme introvert and only desire sex for its own sake once every few years, and I can take care of that after five minutes on Tinder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a woman who must have a man's soul. DH does all the right things -- walks, kind convo, flowers -- but is very low libido. I just cannot connect on the deepest level without sex. I'm closer to 50 than 40 and still think about it daily. I have been very open with DH about my needs over the years. We have a "don't ask, don't tell" policy that I hope will get us through the long term. Compassion for each other is key.

Same situation, same agreement.

All marriages need intimacy. Women more than men seem to fulfill thst intimacy in nonsexual ways but some like us are more like men and need sexual touch.

Both are normally, one isn't better than the other. The people on here that dismiss sexual needs as optional are usually the ones shocked when they are sexually betrayed.

You know who is shocked (blindsided) when betrayed? People having regular sex with doting husbands. Talk about a complete mind f@ck. I think if you are in a shitty marriage or a sexless one with lots of strife and resentment it would not be as life altering as those that were happy and in love. Studies bear that out.

I buy that. My marriage has its good and bad but our sex life really struggles. I don't think either of us would be shocked if the other cheated. I could see your situation different, regular sex and still infidelity. That would be worse

[Anonymous]

I'm LOLing at all these men talking about being "rejected". If you're poking your exhausted wife in the back with your d*ick at the end of a long day and she's not interested, that's not rejection. You simply know nothing about your wife at all, and the vast majority of women. If you want a positive response to that kind of initiation, you should have married a man or you should get divorced and pay women to have sex with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH is the one with hang ups
os and low sex drive. After years of this I’m over it and resentful. My drive has bottomed out but everywoman I know who was in a sexless marriage had her drive skyrocket as soon as she divorced. Women need more variety, men need convenience. Or read “why we can’t sleep” about how gen c women are super screwed because we have the careers our moms couldn’t have AND we spend twice as much time with our kids as stay at home moms did in the 70s. And we are supposed to stay in shape, not age, have Instagram worthy homes, kids in travel teams And sex at least three times a week for a healthy marriage. It’s relentless and impossible.

Man here I'm a 15 year marriage that is nearly sexless and has been for years and I agree with what you write.

Really, there is a lot of hurt and blame and goal post shifting but if you back out and stop taking this personally it is mostly just hormones and that most people aren't monogamous. A 20 year husband texting his wife "was thinking of you. How's your day going" isn't going to set her imagination off like a new man she just met post divorce.

The problem is men in general don't lose their drive over time as fast as women. Like PP said,men like convenience, and his wife is convenient but if she was ok with him going elsewhere and it was convenient he would and often does when she refused his advances

Tl;dr it's the hormones and rarely about something someone did.

[Anonymous]

I am very happily married. My husband had a heart attack 10 years ago and his meds leave him with ED. We've tried everything and he tries, but can't. We got married a little older so I knew that life would be different for us just because we have aged. I never intended for this to be the case, but we've had to learn to do other things that satisfy us.