Wife wants to move closer to family - but am I committed enough?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where did you and your wife meet? If you met in the city, then she was presumably voluntarily living there, so it's not like you imposed some huge change on her--the two of you just continued to live where you met and married. I would be verywary of moving to her small hometown. You will always be the outsider, your children will be subsumed into her family, and if you're unhappy there and want to move back, she will never agree because she has family support there and will keep the children with her. You will lose all control of your family. I would not move--status quo wins. Call her bluff. If she really wants to move, she will go with or without you, but the children may well stay with you because it would mean uprooting them from their schools and community.

This is what I wondered too, especially since OP said he would feel like an outsider. DH is from a small town, and his family only cares about their own blood. Everyone who marries in isn't really a first class citizen. They're also very small minded, petty, and look for excuses to take umbrage. In talking with other friends who married people from these towns in the same area, it's not uncommon. DH has no desire to move back there, but his mom blames me for them not living there. She has some fantasy that if it wasn't for me, he would live there even though he's told her dozens of times that he would never move back there because he doesn't want to and he couldn't get a good job there anyway.

Maybe I'm off on this, but OP's post sounded very familiar to me. If this is the case, then don't move there OP. You'll hate it there, and if you divorce then that will be where the judge determines the family lives. You could end up stuck there until your youngest child is 18, and you'd likely be miserable and without your own family. Plus what if something happens to your 100% telework job and you need to get another that requires you to come into the office? Is there even a decent job market for your industry in this small town?

What you should do is get marriage counseling. Some of these unhealthy patterns are deeply ingrained and you and your wife need to see if you can find a way to support each other. If not, then get divorced here in DC so the Judge will determine that DC is the family home state and you won't be tied to this other town for years.

[Anonymous]

I was kind of with you, OP, until you made the comment about feeling like she was rejecting you. The conversation you need to have with your spouse goes beyond the city you live in. If you do wind up separating over this, I hope it’s truly about where you live and not deeper issues in yourself and your marriage that you haven’t gotten the opportunity to address.

Also if you divorce and you aren’t the primary parent (ie you haven’t been the one taking the kids to school or daycare or play dates or extracurriculars or spending the most time with them after work), the kids might spend more time with their mom than with you.

[Anonymous]

Op I also recommend marriage counseling. I feel like your three children aren't mentioned enough in the op, I don't know that anyone is right or wrong here - you both have different preferences (and I don't think her preferences have anything to do with you or your ability to provide, but of preconceptions she had about her life and own childhood) and breaking up your marriage, leaving three kids with separate homes and the trauma of divorce (not to mention not seeing your kids all of the time) because you are personalizing something that probably isn't about you, seems absolutely hard to imagine and really upsetting to me. I feel like there must be some deeper things here and maybe counseling could help you all through those. I'm not saying you should up and move immediately and just do whatever she wants, but you all should be able to as partners work through this to find happiness for you both. and being together with your kids should usually be a big part of that. This is not uncommon in marriages for one partner to have preferences living near family and it sounds like she's been vocal about it from the beginning. It can be tough to navigate and probably should be discussed with a plan much much earlier since there are children involved, but now here you are - get a good counselor and come up with a plan that can keep your family intact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Work is not a problem as I can work remotely. I’m not good with big changes and this is the ultimate. We could get a holiday home there, we have looked at it, but ultimately it would just result in her still being unhappy in the city. So it seems to me like it has to be all or nothing. - OP

If you get a holiday home there, can she just live there, and you visit her on the weekends when you aren't working? Many, many people do this, and it seems easier and cheaper than a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Don't do it OP. I did and bitterly regret it. Have never gotten used to the area and have to deal with her family's stupidity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where did you and your wife meet? If you met in the city, then she was presumably voluntarily living there, so it's not like you imposed some huge change on her--the two of you just continued to live where you met and married. I would be verywary of moving to her small hometown. You will always be the outsider, your children will be subsumed into her family, and if you're unhappy there and want to move back, she will never agree because she has family support there and will keep the children with her. You will lose all control of your family. I would not move--status quo wins. Call her bluff. If she really wants to move, she will go with or without you, but the children may well stay with you because it would mean uprooting them from their schools and community.

I find it hard to believe that there weren't conversations about how they would raise their children earlier on in the marriage, especially when a small town wife agreed to life in a city. Those are two completely different lifestyles. Generally people have an idea of how they want their kids raised.

Even when people do have those conversations, there’s a difference between hypothetical discussions before you even have kids and how you feel once you actually have experience living with those decisions as a parent. It may be that things OP’s wife thought would be positives about raising kids in a city have turned out to be negatives once she actually lived them.

Bigger picture, a relationship that leaves no room for the people in it to grow and change is very likely to die.

Staying in the big city while raising children was a deal breaker for me, and I let my husband know that before our first was born. If these kinds of conversations were had between OP and spouse before kids, I do think that has to weigh heavily on how they proceed. Had OP made promises to his wife that were delayed and delayed? That kind of information colors how we advise him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't do it OP. I did and bitterly regret it. Have never gotten used to the area and have to deal with her family's stupidity.

I'm not disagreeing, but as some PP have mentioned, it's very possible the the DW is currently experiencing this in their current situation. The OP might be loving being with family, and it might be his/her friends, not DW's friends. OP could be trying to make it about DW not being loving enough, or only thinking of herself, when it might really be OP is being the selfish one.

At the very least, OP needs to understand why really DW is unhappy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I have been together 15 years, married for 11, and have 3 children. I grew up and we live in the city. My wife, since our first child was born, pines to move back to the small town she grew up in, which is a 3-hour drive away. It is a constant source of contention in our marriage because I don’t want to give up our life here (our friends, my family, my work.) it feels like we are at make or break right now. I see her rejection of our life here as a rejection of me and everything I’ve worked so hard to give her. It feels like her hometown is a turf that I’ll be an outsider to and will lose any sense of indentity I have. I wish so much she could accept where we live (and therefore me) but I also understand her desire to be closer to her family. I just don’t know if I “lover her enough” to give up my life here to uplift everything so she has what she wants. I’ve considered moving somewhere halfway but I don’t see the point in us both being unhappy. Please help. I’m so desperate right now.

Your whole post is you centric. “I, I, I, I”. “Me, me, me” No we. No mention of your children beyond that they exist.

Expand and include your wife and children into your thoughts. It isn’t all about you. You chose to marry, you chose to have three children. They should be the priorities in your life.

The fear you have of being an outsider in her hometown is what your wife has been living for your entire marriage.

Try to see things from your wife’s point of view and not yours.
Try to see things from your children’s point of view, not yours.

What is best your your children?

How many hours are you away from your house each day? Including work, commute, gym...... What family activities do you do on a daily and weekly basis? What couple activities do you do on a daily and weekly basis? Are your work hours consistent? How often are their family dinners each week? What time do you leave in the am, what time do you get home? (Normally, not Covid times)

I noticed this as well.

I also want to move back to my hometown (not a small town, a fairly large midwestern city of about 1.5 million), and my husband wants to stay here. One of the things that really bothers me is that he really doesn't spend very much time with the kids and I, and it doesn't really feel like we are his top priority. It feels like he wants us here, waiting for him, so that he can be with us when it fits into the cracks and crevices of his life. The expectation is that I will give up any of my own dreams, plans, relationships, etc. in my own life in order to be there in the background of his life.

And I do think the kids would do better with grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles, and close friends, rather than just them and me all of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Work is not a problem as I can work remotely. I’m not good with big changes and this is the ultimate. We could get a holiday home there, we have looked at it, but ultimately it would just result in her still being unhappy in the city. So it seems to me like it has to be all or nothing. - OP

You can work remotely in your current job - great. But you're significantly limiting your ability to get another job in a small town. When if you lose your job? What if you want to change jobs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I have been together 15 years, married for 11, and have 3 children. I grew up and we live in the city. My wife, since our first child was born, pines to move back to the small town she grew up in, which is a 3-hour drive away. It is a constant source of contention in our marriage because I don’t want to give up our life here (our friends, my family, my work.) it feels like we are at make or break right now. I see her rejection of our life here as a rejection of me and everything I’ve worked so hard to give her. It feels like her hometown is a turf that I’ll be an outsider to and will lose any sense of indentity I have. I wish so much she could accept where we live (and therefore me) but I also understand her desire to be closer to her family. I just don’t know if I “lover her enough” to give up my life here to uplift everything so she has what she wants. I’ve considered moving somewhere halfway but I don’t see the point in us both being unhappy. Please help. I’m so desperate right now.

Your whole post is you centric. “I, I, I, I”. “Me, me, me” No we. No mention of your children beyond that they exist.

Expand and include your wife and children into your thoughts. It isn’t all about you. You chose to marry, you chose to have three children. They should be the priorities in your life.

The fear you have of being an outsider in her hometown is what your wife has been living for your entire marriage.

Try to see things from your wife’s point of view and not yours.
Try to see things from your children’s point of view, not yours.

What is best your your children?

How many hours are you away from your house each day? Including work, commute, gym...... What family activities do you do on a daily and weekly basis? What couple activities do you do on a daily and weekly basis? Are your work hours consistent? How often are their family dinners each week? What time do you leave in the am, what time do you get home? (Normally, not Covid times)

I noticed this as well.

I also want to move back to my hometown (not a small town, a fairly large midwestern city of about 1.5 million), and my husband wants to stay here. One of the things that really bothers me is that he really doesn't spend very much time with the kids and I, and it doesn't really feel like we are his top priority. It feels like he wants us here, waiting for him, so that he can be with us when it fits into the cracks and crevices of his life. The expectation is that I will give up any of my own dreams, plans, relationships, etc. in my own life in order to be there in the background of his life.

And I do think the kids would do better with grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles, and close friends, rather than just them and me all of the time.

In this case though it sounds like half their extended family is in the city.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Work is not a problem as I can work remotely. I’m not good with big changes and this is the ultimate. We could get a holiday home there, we have looked at it, but ultimately it would just result in her still being unhappy in the city. So it seems to me like it has to be all or nothing. - OP

You can work remotely in your current job - great. But you're significantly limiting your ability to get another job in a small town. When if you lose your job? What if you want to change jobs?

+1. This is not the 1950s where I worked at one company forever.

[Anonymous]

Does she work? Does she want to work (more)?

Juggling two careers and parenthood is really difficult without any family support. I'm projecting here, but maybe she feels trapped in a default parenting role, and she wants some family help so that she can also have a career. TBH, you don't really sound the type that would support her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I have been together 15 years, married for 11, and have 3 children. I grew up and we live in the city. My wife, since our first child was born, pines to move back to the small town she grew up in, which is a 3-hour drive away. It is a constant source of contention in our marriage because I don’t want to give up our life here (our friends, my family, my work.) it feels like we are at make or break right now. I see her rejection of our life here as a rejection of me and everything I’ve worked so hard to give her. It feels like her hometown is a turf that I’ll be an outsider to and will lose any sense of indentity I have. I wish so much she could accept where we live (and therefore me) but I also understand her desire to be closer to her family. I just don’t know if I “lover her enough” to give up my life here to uplift everything so she has what she wants. I’ve considered moving somewhere halfway but I don’t see the point in us both being unhappy. Please help. I’m so desperate right now.

Is your desire to not move to her hometown a rejection of her and everything she is? Probably not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I have been together 15 years, married for 11, and have 3 children. I grew up and we live in the city. My wife, since our first child was born, pines to move back to the small town she grew up in, which is a 3-hour drive away. It is a constant source of contention in our marriage because I don’t want to give up our life here (our friends, my family, my work.) it feels like we are at make or break right now. I see her rejection of our life here as a rejection of me and everything I’ve worked so hard to give her. It feels like her hometown is a turf that I’ll be an outsider to and will lose any sense of indentity I have. I wish so much she could accept where we live (and therefore me) but I also understand her desire to be closer to her family. I just don’t know if I “lover her enough” to give up my life here to uplift everything so she has what she wants. I’ve considered moving somewhere halfway but I don’t see the point in us both being unhappy. Please help. I’m so desperate right now.

Your whole post is you centric. “I, I, I, I”. “Me, me, me” No we. No mention of your children beyond that they exist.

Expand and include your wife and children into your thoughts. It isn’t all about you. You chose to marry, you chose to have three children. They should be the priorities in your life.

The fear you have of being an outsider in her hometown is what your wife has been living for your entire marriage.

Try to see things from your wife’s point of view and not yours.
Try to see things from your children’s point of view, not yours.

What is best your your children?

How many hours are you away from your house each day? Including work, commute, gym...... What family activities do you do on a daily and weekly basis? What couple activities do you do on a daily and weekly basis? Are your work hours consistent? How often are their family dinners each week? What time do you leave in the am, what time do you get home? (Normally, not Covid times)

I noticed this as well.

I also want to move back to my hometown (not a small town, a fairly large midwestern city of about 1.5 million), and my husband wants to stay here. One of the things that really bothers me is that he really doesn't spend very much time with the kids and I, and it doesn't really feel like we are his top priority. It feels like he wants us here, waiting for him, so that he can be with us when it fits into the cracks and crevices of his life. The expectation is that I will give up any of my own dreams, plans, relationships, etc. in my own life in order to be there in the background of his life.

And I do think the kids would do better with grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles, and close friends, rather than just them and me all of the time.

In this case though it sounds like half their extended family is in the city.

I wonder how much they actually see them or if they really socialize with OP's wife or help out with the children. They could actually be more of a burden in that she has to take care of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Work is not a problem as I can work remotely. I’m not good with big changes and this is the ultimate. We could get a holiday home there, we have looked at it, but ultimately it would just result in her still being unhappy in the city. So it seems to me like it has to be all or nothing. - OP

You can work remotely in your current job - great. But you're significantly limiting your ability to get another job in a small town. When if you lose your job? What if you want to change jobs?

Then they move again?
Or he does what thousands of people do, and travels to the city during the week for work.