Wife wants to move closer to family - but am I committed enough?

[Anonymous]

Just out of curiosity, if you realize that you "don't love her enough," does that absolve you of any obligation to your wife and family? Because that's cool. No wonder you are so distraught.

[Anonymous]

Is there a compromise position like moving out to the suburbs like many people do around here? You're close enough to see friends/family, she's closer to her family and she can have the suburban life she wants.

[Anonymous]

I haven’t read all of the responses so maybe this was answered. Did you meet in the city? Were there talks of moving to her hometown before you married? If so, how did those conversations go? Just wondering if (early on) you ever made any promises or led her to believe you might consider it down the line.

[Anonymous]

Just let her move there with the kids, OP. You can visit, or you can divorce. Stop keeping her trapped here when you know she doesn't want to be here.

[Anonymous]

OP it does sound like you love you and your life here more than your wife, your marriage and accommodating each other’s desires. I’d never see my DH wanting to make a change-even this significant one-as a rejection of ME. The way you frame it it sets up an all or nothing path. You work remote now. Are your kids young? Why can’t you agree to a year of setting up a trial there and give it a fair chance? Rent out your house here b/c if the town is truly as small as you’re setting it up to be, you ought to be on the positive cash side of renting there that your options remain here.

My guess is this is a power dynamic and you worry that a more fulfilled partner diminishes your role (your ‘the life you’ve provided’ huge red flag.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where did you and your wife meet? If you met in the city, then she was presumably voluntarily living there, so it's not like you imposed some huge change on her--the two of you just continued to live where you met and married. I would be verywary of moving to her small hometown. You will always be the outsider, your children will be subsumed into her family, and if you're unhappy there and want to move back, she will never agree because she has family support there and will keep the children with her. You will lose all control of your family. I would not move--status quo wins. Call her bluff. If she really wants to move, she will go with or without you, but the children may well stay with you because it would mean uprooting them from their schools and community.

This. I’m not sure if it’s because OP is (presumably) a man, but I’m a little puzzled by why everyone says that his wife is making some great sacrifice for him living here. Presumably she moved here voluntarily and they met here. That’s not a sacrifice - that was her choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where did you and your wife meet? If you met in the city, then she was presumably voluntarily living there, so it's not like you imposed some huge change on her--the two of you just continued to live where you met and married. I would be verywary of moving to her small hometown. You will always be the outsider, your children will be subsumed into her family, and if you're unhappy there and want to move back, she will never agree because she has family support there and will keep the children with her. You will lose all control of your family. I would not move--status quo wins. Call her bluff. If she really wants to move, she will go with or without you, but the children may well stay with you because it would mean uprooting them from their schools and community.

This. I’m not sure if it’s because OP is (presumably) a man, but I’m a little puzzled by why everyone says that his wife is making some great sacrifice for him living here. Presumably she moved here voluntarily and they met here. That’s not a sacrifice - that was her choice.

This.

The wife doesn't get to decide, after having kids and setting up a life there, that she doesn't like the life they set up -- and that OP and the kids all have to move with her. That's bananas. So many entitled sahms on this site.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where did you and your wife meet? If you met in the city, then she was presumably voluntarily living there, so it's not like you imposed some huge change on her--the two of you just continued to live where you met and married. I would be verywary of moving to her small hometown. You will always be the outsider, your children will be subsumed into her family, and if you're unhappy there and want to move back, she will never agree because she has family support there and will keep the children with her. You will lose all control of your family. I would not move--status quo wins. Call her bluff. If she really wants to move, she will go with or without you, but the children may well stay with you because it would mean uprooting them from their schools and community.

This. I’m not sure if it’s because OP is (presumably) a man, but I’m a little puzzled by why everyone says that his wife is making some great sacrifice for him living here. Presumably she moved here voluntarily and they met here. That’s not a sacrifice - that was her choice.

This.

The wife doesn't get to decide, after having kids and setting up a life there, that she doesn't like the life they set up -- and that OP and the kids all have to move with her. That's bananas. So many entitled sahms on this site.....

Yup, once you’ve made your choice about where to live, you are stuck there FOREVER. A wife is never entitled to express her unhappiness and desire for change, especially not some SAHM! But if OP realized he doesn’t love her enough, well, he is certainly entitled to divorce her. Makes perfect sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where did you and your wife meet? If you met in the city, then she was presumably voluntarily living there, so it's not like you imposed some huge change on her--the two of you just continued to live where you met and married. I would be verywary of moving to her small hometown. You will always be the outsider, your children will be subsumed into her family, and if you're unhappy there and want to move back, she will never agree because she has family support there and will keep the children with her. You will lose all control of your family. I would not move--status quo wins. Call her bluff. If she really wants to move, she will go with or without you, but the children may well stay with you because it would mean uprooting them from their schools and community.

This. I’m not sure if it’s because OP is (presumably) a man, but I’m a little puzzled by why everyone says that his wife is making some great sacrifice for him living here. Presumably she moved here voluntarily and they met here. That’s not a sacrifice - that was her choice.

This.

The wife doesn't get to decide, after having kids and setting up a life there, that she doesn't like the life they set up -- and that OP and the kids all have to move with her. That's bananas. So many entitled sahms on this site.....

You don't know that she is a SAHM or that she wants to be. What if she wants to work (more) and needs some family support to get her career off the ground? Two working parents is tricky in the best of circumstances, and OP doesn't exactly seem like the type who is going to pitch in around the house or pick up the kids from school because his wife has to work.

[Anonymous]

You’re very selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where did you and your wife meet? If you met in the city, then she was presumably voluntarily living there, so it's not like you imposed some huge change on her--the two of you just continued to live where you met and married. I would be verywary of moving to her small hometown. You will always be the outsider, your children will be subsumed into her family, and if you're unhappy there and want to move back, she will never agree because she has family support there and will keep the children with her. You will lose all control of your family. I would not move--status quo wins. Call her bluff. If she really wants to move, she will go with or without you, but the children may well stay with you because it would mean uprooting them from their schools and community.

This. I’m not sure if it’s because OP is (presumably) a man, but I’m a little puzzled by why everyone says that his wife is making some great sacrifice for him living here. Presumably she moved here voluntarily and they met here. That’s not a sacrifice - that was her choice.

This.

The wife doesn't get to decide, after having kids and setting up a life there, that she doesn't like the life they set up -- and that OP and the kids all have to move with her. That's bananas. So many entitled sahms on this site.....

I actually see it much more frequently that it's the entitled WOH husband who wants to move for a different job after voluntarily living somewhere, setting up a life, and having kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just let her move there with the kids, OP. You can visit, or you can divorce. Stop keeping her trapped here when you know she doesn't want to be here.

This. Stop being so selfish. You don't have to divorce her, and you don't have to move with her, but let her take the kids and go live where she wants to live for a little while.

[Anonymous]

I just came back to a to of replies - wow - so a few answers to questions... I work from home so we are always together. She works from home too, a couple hours a day, in our business. We live in the suburbs of a large city. We have a large home, large garden, pool etc. I feel like I’ve given her everything she wanted - children, not working, lovely home - but all of it is not enough because she’s 3 hours away from her family. She has friends here but she doesn’t make much effort in our community (or even improving our house) because she thinks “I don’t want to be here so what’s the point?” I love her family, they are really great, but I also love my parents, who live close by. My wife lived in the city when we started our relationship. I told her back then that this is where my life is, as I had a large business here (which I’ve since sold.) I asked her to be sure this is where she wants to be. Ofc that was years ago and I respect that things change - OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just came back to a to of replies - wow - so a few answers to questions... I work from home so we are always together. She works from home too, a couple hours a day, in our business. We live in the suburbs of a large city. We have a large home, large garden, pool etc. I feel like I’ve given her everything she wanted - children, not working, lovely home - but all of it is not enough because she’s 3 hours away from her family. She has friends here but she doesn’t make much effort in our community (or even improving our house) because she thinks “I don’t want to be here so what’s the point?” I love her family, they are really great, but I also love my parents, who live close by. My wife lived in the city when we started our relationship. I told her back then that this is where my life is, as I had a large business here (which I’ve since sold.) I asked her to be sure this is where she wants to be. Ofc that was years ago and I respect that things change - OP

With all that background if I were you I would not move. But your attitude does seem a little uncomfortably quid pro quo. I would be upset if my husband said he should have more of a say in anything because “gave me” kids and a house, and his job allowed me to be a stay at home mom. In my marriage those were decisions we made together. Those shouldn’t be relevant unless those decisions were explicitly a compromise for her staying in the city.

[Anonymous]

If you can afford it, get a vacation house as a compromise. Based on your first post, I was thinking you should have a turn living with her family for a while and see how it is. The idea that her wanting to leave is a rejection to you is BS and you know it. She wants to raise her kids in the town she grew up in and close to her family, I think that is totally reasonable. I was picturing you working 80 hours a week in NYC while she has the kids in a tiny apartment and longs for more space and a slower pace of life. But it sounds like you already have space and are only 3 hours away, so get another home and spend more time there.

What kind of small town are you talking about? I would love to raise my kids where I grew up, in a relatively progressive suburb of a smaller city with good schools and lots of cultural activities. But I would never even consider moving to any place that voted for Trump.