Wife wants to move closer to family - but am I committed enough?

[Anonymous]

My wife and I have been together 15 years, married for 11, and have 3 children. I grew up and we live in the city. My wife, since our first child was born, pines to move back to the small town she grew up in, which is a 3-hour drive away. It is a constant source of contention in our marriage because I don’t want to give up our life here (our friends, my family, my work.) it feels like we are at make or break right now. I see her rejection of our life here as a rejection of me and everything I’ve worked so hard to give her. It feels like her hometown is a turf that I’ll be an outsider to and will lose any sense of indentity I have. I wish so much she could accept where we live (and therefore me) but I also understand her desire to be closer to her family. I just don’t know if I “lover her enough” to give up my life here to uplift everything so she has what she wants. I’ve considered moving somewhere halfway but I don’t see the point in us both being unhappy. Please help. I’m so desperate right now.

[Anonymous]

Can you get a good job there equal to the one you have now? If yes, I would go to make her happy. Or, can you afford to buy a second weekend house there as a compromise? Otherwise, buy her the house, divorce and move on since you really don't love her enough and she deserves to be loved.

[Anonymous]

Could you do a sabbatical year in her hometown? You could work remotely? I think it’s reasonable after so many years living where you want (city) that you spend some time where she wants — that said, it’s not reasonable to expect you to stop working unless you are either quite wealthy and can afford to not work OR you can do your job remotely OR get a job in her hometown. But 3 hours isn’t so insanely far that you won’t see your friends - you could come back once every six weeks for a weekend easily.

[Anonymous]

Work is not a problem as I can work remotely. I’m not good with big changes and this is the ultimate. We could get a holiday home there, we have looked at it, but ultimately it would just result in her still being unhappy in the city. So it seems to me like it has to be all or nothing. - OP

[Anonymous]

Op, I'm not sure this is a reason to end a marriage with 3 kids. Talk to each other. Go to counseling. See if you two can find a compromise.

[Anonymous]

I think therapy for you guys could help a lot with this. For example, you express her desire to move to the town as a rejection of what you've given her. But maybe there's just some aspect of it that appeals to her that has nothing to do with that. And maybe she can get that aspect without moving to the town. I think there's room for compromise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I have been together 15 years, married for 11, and have 3 children. I grew up and we live in the city. My wife, since our first child was born, pines to move back to the small town she grew up in, which is a 3-hour drive away. It is a constant source of contention in our marriage because I don’t want to give up our life here (our friends, my family, my work.) it feels like we are at make or break right now. I see her rejection of our life here as a rejection of me and everything I’ve worked so hard to give her. It feels like her hometown is a turf that I’ll be an outsider to and will lose any sense of indentity I have. I wish so much she could accept where we live (and therefore me) but I also understand her desire to be closer to her family. I just don’t know if I “lover her enough” to give up my life here to uplift everything so she has what she wants. I’ve considered moving somewhere halfway but I don’t see the point in us both being unhappy. Please help. I’m so desperate right now.

Your whole post is you centric. “I, I, I, I”. “Me, me, me” No we. No mention of your children beyond that they exist.

Expand and include your wife and children into your thoughts. It isn’t all about you. You chose to marry, you chose to have three children. They should be the priorities in your life.

The fear you have of being an outsider in her hometown is what your wife has been living for your entire marriage.

Try to see things from your wife’s point of view and not yours.
Try to see things from your children’s point of view, not yours.

What is best your your children?

How many hours are you away from your house each day? Including work, commute, gym...... What family activities do you do on a daily and weekly basis? What couple activities do you do on a daily and weekly basis? Are your work hours consistent? How often are their family dinners each week? What time do you leave in the am, what time do you get home? (Normally, not Covid times)

[Anonymous]

She has been making this sacrifice for you to her actual unhappiness, but you’re not willing to make the same sacrifice because of your potential unhappiness? I guess she loves you more than you love her.

[Anonymous]

What do your kids want?

My mom uprooted us to live closer to her hometown and it sucked. Then when that didn’t make her happy, she uprooted us again to move somewhere else. It had a really negative impact on my social life and I never really made friends because I never knew when we’d move again.

I’d choose to give your children stability and go visit on the weekends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Work is not a problem as I can work remotely. I’m not good with big changes and this is the ultimate. We could get a holiday home there, we have looked at it, but ultimately it would just result in her still being unhappy in the city. So it seems to me like it has to be all or nothing. - OP

You would benefit from therapy. Whether you guys move or not, you can choose to frame things in more accurate, less dramatic and catastrophic ways. Moving three hours away is not “the ultimate” change, it’s just deciding to live somewhere else for a period of time. Worrying about fitting in or adjusting is not completely “losing your identity,” it’s just anxiety about change.

[Anonymous]

How small is the small town? How are the schools there? What type of extracurriculars do your children enjoy, and can they access those in the town you are considering?

I agree that therapy would be helpful for you both to work out a compromise.

[Anonymous]

You have to at least try to move before getting a divorce. You don’t even know how bad it’s going to be.

I feel for you because I can’t stand small towns, but keep an open mind. Your wife isn’t rejecting you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I have been together 15 years, married for 11, and have 3 children. I grew up and we live in the city. My wife, since our first child was born, pines to move back to the small town she grew up in, which is a 3-hour drive away. It is a constant source of contention in our marriage because I don’t want to give up our life here (our friends, my family, my work.) it feels like we are at make or break right now. I see her rejection of our life here as a rejection of me and everything I’ve worked so hard to give her. It feels like her hometown is a turf that I’ll be an outsider to and will lose any sense of indentity I have. I wish so much she could accept where we live (and therefore me) but I also understand her desire to be closer to her family. I just don’t know if I “lover her enough” to give up my life here to uplift everything so she has what she wants. I’ve considered moving somewhere halfway but I don’t see the point in us both being unhappy. Please help. I’m so desperate right now.

Your whole post is you centric. “I, I, I, I”. “Me, me, me” No we. No mention of your children beyond that they exist.

Expand and include your wife and children into your thoughts. It isn’t all about you. You chose to marry, you chose to have three children. They should be the priorities in your life.

The fear you have of being an outsider in her hometown is what your wife has been living for your entire marriage.

Try to see things from your wife’s point of view and not yours.
Try to see things from your children’s point of view, not yours.

What is best your your children?

How many hours are you away from your house each day? Including work, commute, gym...... What family activities do you do on a daily and weekly basis? What couple activities do you do on a daily and weekly basis? Are your work hours consistent? How often are their family dinners each week? What time do you leave in the am, what time do you get home? (Normally, not Covid times)

No kidding! Do your wife a favor and let her go. I stayed in this god forsaken city because my husband is just like you--grew up here and put his foot down (when I first agreed to move here, he said we would just try it for a few years and if I really didn't ilke it we could leave) about ever leaving. I have two more years before my youngest is out of high school, then I'm gone. He will be old and alone, because my kids absolutely hated growing up here and despise their father for all the bad choices he has made--none of which were in their best interest, but only to appease his wealthy parents. You sound like a self-centered, immature, mommy's boy. Let her go.

[Anonymous]

Since you grew up in the city, are you parents still here? Do you see them often and are they involved in your family’s life?

[Anonymous]

I agree couple's therapy would be beneficial.

You also need to consider what would be best for the kids, socially, academically etc.