Wife wants to move closer to family - but am I committed enough?

[Anonymous]

There is a really good podcast episode that is exactly about this. It is either the couple one with Esther Perel or the relationship one with Lori Gottlieb.

It was a couple in this exact situation and I think it would really help you to listen to it. I’ll see if I can find it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a really good podcast episode that is exactly about this. It is either the couple one with Esther Perel or the relationship one with Lori Gottlieb.

It was a couple in this exact situation and I think it would really help you to listen to it. I’ll see if I can find it

Dear therapists, season one, episode four. Here is the description

Hey, Fellow Travelers. This week, a married couple with kids struggles to come to a decision on where to raise their family. Ryan wants their kids to grow up near his family in Nebraska. Beth wants them to live near her mother in New York. We show them a new way to talk through an impasse that's been causing resentment and keeping them stuck for years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a really good podcast episode that is exactly about this. It is either the couple one with Esther Perel or the relationship one with Lori Gottlieb.

It was a couple in this exact situation and I think it would really help you to listen to it. I’ll see if I can find it

Thank you, I listened to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I have been together 15 years, married for 11, and have 3 children. I grew up and we live in the city. My wife, since our first child was born, pines to move back to the small town she grew up in, which is a 3-hour drive away. It is a constant source of contention in our marriage because I don’t want to give up our life here (our friends, my family, my work.) it feels like we are at make or break right now. I see her rejection of our life here as a rejection of me and everything I’ve worked so hard to give her. It feels like her hometown is a turf that I’ll be an outsider to and will lose any sense of indentity I have. I wish so much she could accept where we live (and therefore me) but I also understand her desire to be closer to her family. I just don’t know if I “lover her enough” to give up my life here to uplift everything so she has what she wants. I’ve considered moving somewhere halfway but I don’t see the point in us both being unhappy. Please help. I’m so desperate right now.

OP, Take a quick step back and think about your post.

My opinion on this is from the other side. I’m the “trailing spouse” and it sucks. It sucks far beyond what I ever thought it would.

So when you say you’re near “our” friends, you mean you’re near your friends that she has also become friends with. You’re near your family, friends, work, familiar things, routine, history. You have everything you have known your entire life, including close support from your family.,

You talk about feeling rejected that you’ve built some kind of life for her. Did you ever consider that maybe it’s more the life that YOU want? It’s like giving someone a gift that they don’t like. They have to grin and be grateful, but they’re thinking “what the hell am I supposed to Dow til this now?”

Your wife is isolated as a SAH, especially if your kids are older. You know that outsider feeling you’re worried about if you move to her town - she likely feels is every day. Some cities are terrible about outsiders, especially if they think you’re not metropolitan enough to be there.

Oh, and yeah - she’s given up her identity to live in your city.

I moved for my spouse. It uprooted everything I had, including a career I loved. I managed to get a job in my industry, but online, which meant I didn’t have the benefit of face time with peers. I don’t fit in with the local moms as I’m older and not from here. Many people SAH and I work. We have a lovely house, but it’s my prison. I pine every day to go back to where we lived before, where I had friends and things I loved, and people who loved me. It’s seriously impacted my mental health, 9 years later, and in that, I beg you to at least consider moving for your wife, as it sounds like your job will be the same. Experience what she has - a shift in not knowing what she knows, a lack of family support, sacrifice. Feeling like a stranger every where you go.

I know you won’t, because like my DH, you’re too stuck on what you think is best, and too happy in your personal comfort zone. She HAS considered your needs, and has lived that way for years.

?? She isn't a trailing spouse. They met in the city where they currently live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you get a good job there equal to the one you have now? If yes, I would go to make her happy. Or, can you afford to buy a second weekend house there as a compromise? Otherwise, buy her the house, divorce and move on since you really don't love her enough and she deserves to be loved.

Why can’t she find a job there that equals what op has now? Talk about low expectations for a woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I have been together 15 years, married for 11, and have 3 children. I grew up and we live in the city. My wife, since our first child was born, pines to move back to the small town she grew up in, which is a 3-hour drive away. It is a constant source of contention in our marriage because I don’t want to give up our life here (our friends, my family, my work.) it feels like we are at make or break right now. I see her rejection of our life here as a rejection of me and everything I’ve worked so hard to give her. It feels like her hometown is a turf that I’ll be an outsider to and will lose any sense of indentity I have. I wish so much she could accept where we live (and therefore me) but I also understand her desire to be closer to her family. I just don’t know if I “lover her enough” to give up my life here to uplift everything so she has what she wants. I’ve considered moving somewhere halfway but I don’t see the point in us both being unhappy. Please help. I’m so desperate right now.

Your whole post is you centric. “I, I, I, I”. “Me, me, me” No we. No mention of your children beyond that they exist.

Expand and include your wife and children into your thoughts. It isn’t all about you. You chose to marry, you chose to have three children. They should be the priorities in your life.

The fear you have of being an outsider in her hometown is what your wife has been living for your entire marriage.

Try to see things from your wife’s point of view and not yours.
Try to see things from your children’s point of view, not yours.

What is best your your children?

How many hours are you away from your house each day? Including work, commute, gym...... What family activities do you do on a daily and weekly basis? What couple activities do you do on a daily and weekly basis? Are your work hours consistent? How often are their family dinners each week? What time do you leave in the am, what time do you get home? (Normally, not Covid times)

I noticed this as well.

I also want to move back to my hometown (not a small town, a fairly large midwestern city of about 1.5 million), and my husband wants to stay here. One of the things that really bothers me is that he really doesn't spend very much time with the kids and I, and it doesn't really feel like we are his top priority. It feels like he wants us here, waiting for him, so that he can be with us when it fits into the cracks and crevices of his life. The expectation is that I will give up any of my own dreams, plans, relationships, etc. in my own life in order to be there in the background of his life.

And I do think the kids would do better with grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles, and close friends, rather than just them and me all of the time.

This is exactly what my husband has done. I’m 59, kids are grown. I let him and I should not have. He’s just as selfish now. I’m here to cover for him re: the sick dog so he can take his 6 hour bike rides. I can see the tension when I say I’m going out for the day or meeting friends - his mental cogs are turning about the restrictions on his own freedom. I told him I’m leaving in March for our vacation place where my family is in Spring and I’ll be back end of summer. He can file if he so chooses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I have been together 15 years, married for 11, and have 3 children. I grew up and we live in the city. My wife, since our first child was born, pines to move back to the small town she grew up in, which is a 3-hour drive away. It is a constant source of contention in our marriage because I don’t want to give up our life here (our friends, my family, my work.) it feels like we are at make or break right now. I see her rejection of our life here as a rejection of me and everything I’ve worked so hard to give her. It feels like her hometown is a turf that I’ll be an outsider to and will lose any sense of indentity I have. I wish so much she could accept where we live (and therefore me) but I also understand her desire to be closer to her family. I just don’t know if I “lover her enough” to give up my life here to uplift everything so she has what she wants. I’ve considered moving somewhere halfway but I don’t see the point in us both being unhappy. Please help. I’m so desperate right now.

OP, Take a quick step back and think about your post.

My opinion on this is from the other side. I’m the “trailing spouse” and it sucks. It sucks far beyond what I ever thought it would.

So when you say you’re near “our” friends, you mean you’re near your friends that she has also become friends with. You’re near your family, friends, work, familiar things, routine, history. You have everything you have known your entire life, including close support from your family.,

You talk about feeling rejected that you’ve built some kind of life for her. Did you ever consider that maybe it’s more the life that YOU want? It’s like giving someone a gift that they don’t like. They have to grin and be grateful, but they’re thinking “what the hell am I supposed to Dow til this now?”

Your wife is isolated as a SAH, especially if your kids are older. You know that outsider feeling you’re worried about if you move to her town - she likely feels is every day. Some cities are terrible about outsiders, especially if they think you’re not metropolitan enough to be there.

Oh, and yeah - she’s given up her identity to live in your city.

I moved for my spouse. It uprooted everything I had, including a career I loved. I managed to get a job in my industry, but online, which meant I didn’t have the benefit of face time with peers. I don’t fit in with the local moms as I’m older and not from here. Many people SAH and I work. We have a lovely house, but it’s my prison. I pine every day to go back to where we lived before, where I had friends and things I loved, and people who loved me. It’s seriously impacted my mental health, 9 years later, and in that, I beg you to at least consider moving for your wife, as it sounds like your job will be the same. Experience what she has - a shift in not knowing what she knows, a lack of family support, sacrifice. Feeling like a stranger every where you go.

I know you won’t, because like my DH, you’re too stuck on what you think is best, and too happy in your personal comfort zone. She HAS considered your needs, and has lived that way for years.

With all my kindness, I'd say that if over 15 years, you did not develop routines, history, people who love you and who you love, and whatever else makes you tick in a place where you live, your mental health was pretty fragile to begin with. It's not normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I have been together 15 years, married for 11, and have 3 children. I grew up and we live in the city. My wife, since our first child was born, pines to move back to the small town she grew up in, which is a 3-hour drive away. It is a constant source of contention in our marriage because I don’t want to give up our life here (our friends, my family, my work.) it feels like we are at make or break right now. I see her rejection of our life here as a rejection of me and everything I’ve worked so hard to give her. It feels like her hometown is a turf that I’ll be an outsider to and will lose any sense of indentity I have. I wish so much she could accept where we live (and therefore me) but I also understand her desire to be closer to her family. I just don’t know if I “lover her enough” to give up my life here to uplift everything so she has what she wants. I’ve considered moving somewhere halfway but I don’t see the point in us both being unhappy. Please help. I’m so desperate right now.

Your whole post is you centric. “I, I, I, I”. “Me, me, me” No we. No mention of your children beyond that they exist.

Expand and include your wife and children into your thoughts. It isn’t all about you. You chose to marry, you chose to have three children. They should be the priorities in your life.

The fear you have of being an outsider in her hometown is what your wife has been living for your entire marriage.

Try to see things from your wife’s point of view and not yours.
Try to see things from your children’s point of view, not yours.

What is best your your children?

How many hours are you away from your house each day? Including work, commute, gym...... What family activities do you do on a daily and weekly basis? What couple activities do you do on a daily and weekly basis? Are your work hours consistent? How often are their family dinners each week? What time do you leave in the am, what time do you get home? (Normally, not Covid times)

I noticed this as well.

I also want to move back to my hometown (not a small town, a fairly large midwestern city of about 1.5 million), and my husband wants to stay here. One of the things that really bothers me is that he really doesn't spend very much time with the kids and I, and it doesn't really feel like we are his top priority. It feels like he wants us here, waiting for him, so that he can be with us when it fits into the cracks and crevices of his life. The expectation is that I will give up any of my own dreams, plans, relationships, etc. in my own life in order to be there in the background of his life.

And I do think the kids would do better with grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles, and close friends, rather than just them and me all of the time.

This is exactly what my husband has done. I’m 59, kids are grown. I let him and I should not have. He’s just as selfish now. I’m here to cover for him re: the sick dog so he can take his 6 hour bike rides. I can see the tension when I say I’m going out for the day or meeting friends - his mental cogs are turning about the restrictions on his own freedom. I told him I’m leaving in March for our vacation place where my family is in Spring and I’ll be back end of summer. He can file if he so chooses.

Haha! I know exactly what you are talking about! I have had that experience many times, and I know what you mean that you can see the tension when you mention that you might have plans. I work 6-8 weekends a year, and every time I do, I can see DH kind of freak out when I bring it up. When I first took this job, I would trade so that I only worked weekends DH was also working and hired a sitter. It was so much less drama.

I hope that after the kids grow up, things will be easier between us. We are both physicians at the same hospital. My plan is to increase my hours significantly to match his, and to just hang out at the hospital most of the time, like we did when we were dating and first married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I have been together 15 years, married for 11, and have 3 children. I grew up and we live in the city. My wife, since our first child was born, pines to move back to the small town she grew up in, which is a 3-hour drive away. It is a constant source of contention in our marriage because I don’t want to give up our life here (our friends, my family, my work.) it feels like we are at make or break right now. I see her rejection of our life here as a rejection of me and everything I’ve worked so hard to give her. It feels like her hometown is a turf that I’ll be an outsider to and will lose any sense of indentity I have. I wish so much she could accept where we live (and therefore me) but I also understand her desire to be closer to her family. I just don’t know if I “lover her enough” to give up my life here to uplift everything so she has what she wants. I’ve considered moving somewhere halfway but I don’t see the point in us both being unhappy. Please help. I’m so desperate right now.

OP, Take a quick step back and think about your post.

My opinion on this is from the other side. I’m the “trailing spouse” and it sucks. It sucks far beyond what I ever thought it would.

So when you say you’re near “our” friends, you mean you’re near your friends that she has also become friends with. You’re near your family, friends, work, familiar things, routine, history. You have everything you have known your entire life, including close support from your family.,

You talk about feeling rejected that you’ve built some kind of life for her. Did you ever consider that maybe it’s more the life that YOU want? It’s like giving someone a gift that they don’t like. They have to grin and be grateful, but they’re thinking “what the hell am I supposed to Dow til this now?”

Your wife is isolated as a SAH, especially if your kids are older. You know that outsider feeling you’re worried about if you move to her town - she likely feels is every day. Some cities are terrible about outsiders, especially if they think you’re not metropolitan enough to be there.

Oh, and yeah - she’s given up her identity to live in your city.

I moved for my spouse. It uprooted everything I had, including a career I loved. I managed to get a job in my industry, but online, which meant I didn’t have the benefit of face time with peers. I don’t fit in with the local moms as I’m older and not from here. Many people SAH and I work. We have a lovely house, but it’s my prison. I pine every day to go back to where we lived before, where I had friends and things I loved, and people who loved me. It’s seriously impacted my mental health, 9 years later, and in that, I beg you to at least consider moving for your wife, as it sounds like your job will be the same. Experience what she has - a shift in not knowing what she knows, a lack of family support, sacrifice. Feeling like a stranger every where you go.

I know you won’t, because like my DH, you’re too stuck on what you think is best, and too happy in your personal comfort zone. She HAS considered your needs, and has lived that way for years.

With all my kindness, I'd say that if over 15 years, you did not develop routines, history, people who love you and who you love, and whatever else makes you tick in a place where you live, your mental health was pretty fragile to begin with. It's not normal.

Not the pp, but what's your point? I don't really agree with you. Sometimes it really is the place, and you just don't fit in.
But even if the pp is unusual, so what? Some people love moving from place to place and jump in to the social scene. Other people are on the opposite end of the spectrum and only want a few very close friends, which are hard to find and hard to let go of after moving.
If pp is the latter, then that's her personality, and her happiness should matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I have been together 15 years, married for 11, and have 3 children. I grew up and we live in the city. My wife, since our first child was born, pines to move back to the small town she grew up in, which is a 3-hour drive away. It is a constant source of contention in our marriage because I don’t want to give up our life here (our friends, my family, my work.) it feels like we are at make or break right now. I see her rejection of our life here as a rejection of me and everything I’ve worked so hard to give her. It feels like her hometown is a turf that I’ll be an outsider to and will lose any sense of indentity I have. I wish so much she could accept where we live (and therefore me) but I also understand her desire to be closer to her family. I just don’t know if I “lover her enough” to give up my life here to uplift everything so she has what she wants. I’ve considered moving somewhere halfway but I don’t see the point in us both being unhappy. Please help. I’m so desperate right now.

OP, Take a quick step back and think about your post.

My opinion on this is from the other side. I’m the “trailing spouse” and it sucks. It sucks far beyond what I ever thought it would.

So when you say you’re near “our” friends, you mean you’re near your friends that she has also become friends with. You’re near your family, friends, work, familiar things, routine, history. You have everything you have known your entire life, including close support from your family.,

You talk about feeling rejected that you’ve built some kind of life for her. Did you ever consider that maybe it’s more the life that YOU want? It’s like giving someone a gift that they don’t like. They have to grin and be grateful, but they’re thinking “what the hell am I supposed to Dow til this now?”

Your wife is isolated as a SAH, especially if your kids are older. You know that outsider feeling you’re worried about if you move to her town - she likely feels is every day. Some cities are terrible about outsiders, especially if they think you’re not metropolitan enough to be there.

Oh, and yeah - she’s given up her identity to live in your city.

I moved for my spouse. It uprooted everything I had, including a career I loved. I managed to get a job in my industry, but online, which meant I didn’t have the benefit of face time with peers. I don’t fit in with the local moms as I’m older and not from here. Many people SAH and I work. We have a lovely house, but it’s my prison. I pine every day to go back to where we lived before, where I had friends and things I loved, and people who loved me. It’s seriously impacted my mental health, 9 years later, and in that, I beg you to at least consider moving for your wife, as it sounds like your job will be the same. Experience what she has - a shift in not knowing what she knows, a lack of family support, sacrifice. Feeling like a stranger every where you go.

I know you won’t, because like my DH, you’re too stuck on what you think is best, and too happy in your personal comfort zone. She HAS considered your needs, and has lived that way for years.

With all my kindness, I'd say that if over 15 years, you did not develop routines, history, people who love you and who you love, and whatever else makes you tick in a place where you live, your mental health was pretty fragile to begin with. It's not normal.

Do you have ANY reading comprehension? Because you’re mixing up PP s story with the OP, and PP also gave some reasons for feeling isolated. Work can be a huge medium for meeting new people and culture of where you live.

But hey - keep telling yourself your narrative is the only way to be right.

FWIW, OPs wife may truly be struggling. I know people from some cities that will judge you on your area code, and really wouldn’t know what to do with a small town girl from a framing town. They ARE that cliquey. She’s tried it, it’s not working for her. So while you’re preaching about it being abnormal for people not to make friendships far from home, what’s so special about OP that he can’t just move along to sleep where else, co spidering he can do his job somewhere else, which is usually the most challenging part of the equation?

[Anonymous]

maybe I'm cynical but I would be worried that OP's wife wants to move family to her hometown and then divorce her spouse, and he has to stay there if he wants adequate time with kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:maybe I'm cynical but I would be worried that OP's wife wants to move family to her hometown and then divorce her spouse, and he has to stay there if he wants adequate time with kids.

I doubt it. And he wouldn’t have to stay there to spend time with the kids. It’s only a couple of hours away.

I always think this when someone wants to make a huge move for a big job though. Particularly if the move forces their spouse into staying at home or being underemployed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I have been together 15 years, married for 11, and have 3 children. I grew up and we live in the city. My wife, since our first child was born, pines to move back to the small town she grew up in, which is a 3-hour drive away. It is a constant source of contention in our marriage because I don’t want to give up our life here (our friends, my family, my work.) it feels like we are at make or break right now. I see her rejection of our life here as a rejection of me and everything I’ve worked so hard to give her. It feels like her hometown is a turf that I’ll be an outsider to and will lose any sense of indentity I have. I wish so much she could accept where we live (and therefore me) but I also understand her desire to be closer to her family. I just don’t know if I “lover her enough” to give up my life here to uplift everything so she has what she wants. I’ve considered moving somewhere halfway but I don’t see the point in us both being unhappy. Please help. I’m so desperate right now.

Two of the three things you mentioned having have solely to do with you. If your work doesn't work then I'll give more weight to your job since obviously you two can't live without it, but just consider that you're basically saying your happiness means more than hers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I have been together 15 years, married for 11, and have 3 children. I grew up and we live in the city. My wife, since our first child was born, pines to move back to the small town she grew up in, which is a 3-hour drive away. It is a constant source of contention in our marriage because I don’t want to give up our life here (our friends, my family, my work.) it feels like we are at make or break right now. I see her rejection of our life here as a rejection of me and everything I’ve worked so hard to give her. It feels like her hometown is a turf that I’ll be an outsider to and will lose any sense of indentity I have. I wish so much she could accept where we live (and therefore me) but I also understand her desire to be closer to her family. I just don’t know if I “lover her enough” to give up my life here to uplift everything so she has what she wants. I’ve considered moving somewhere halfway but I don’t see the point in us both being unhappy. Please help. I’m so desperate right now.

Two of the three things you mentioned having have solely to do with you. If your work doesn't work then I'll give more weight to your job since obviously you two can't live without it, but just consider that you're basically saying your happiness means more than hers.

OP works from home. His wife also does some admin work for their business. He can do his work either place. It isn't about that. It's about his mom vs her sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I have been together 15 years, married for 11, and have 3 children. I grew up and we live in the city. My wife, since our first child was born, pines to move back to the small town she grew up in, which is a 3-hour drive away. It is a constant source of contention in our marriage because I don’t want to give up our life here (our friends, my family, my work.) it feels like we are at make or break right now. I see her rejection of our life here as a rejection of me and everything I’ve worked so hard to give her. It feels like her hometown is a turf that I’ll be an outsider to and will lose any sense of indentity I have. I wish so much she could accept where we live (and therefore me) but I also understand her desire to be closer to her family. I just don’t know if I “lover her enough” to give up my life here to uplift everything so she has what she wants. I’ve considered moving somewhere halfway but I don’t see the point in us both being unhappy. Please help. I’m so desperate right now.

OP, Take a quick step back and think about your post.

My opinion on this is from the other side. I’m the “trailing spouse” and it sucks. It sucks far beyond what I ever thought it would.

So when you say you’re near “our” friends, you mean you’re near your friends that she has also become friends with. You’re near your family, friends, work, familiar things, routine, history. You have everything you have known your entire life, including close support from your family.,

You talk about feeling rejected that you’ve built some kind of life for her. Did you ever consider that maybe it’s more the life that YOU want? It’s like giving someone a gift that they don’t like. They have to grin and be grateful, but they’re thinking “what the hell am I supposed to Dow til this now?”

Your wife is isolated as a SAH, especially if your kids are older. You know that outsider feeling you’re worried about if you move to her town - she likely feels is every day. Some cities are terrible about outsiders, especially if they think you’re not metropolitan enough to be there.

Oh, and yeah - she’s given up her identity to live in your city.

I moved for my spouse. It uprooted everything I had, including a career I loved. I managed to get a job in my industry, but online, which meant I didn’t have the benefit of face time with peers. I don’t fit in with the local moms as I’m older and not from here. Many people SAH and I work. We have a lovely house, but it’s my prison. I pine every day to go back to where we lived before, where I had friends and things I loved, and people who loved me. It’s seriously impacted my mental health, 9 years later, and in that, I beg you to at least consider moving for your wife, as it sounds like your job will be the same. Experience what she has - a shift in not knowing what she knows, a lack of family support, sacrifice. Feeling like a stranger every where you go.

I know you won’t, because like my DH, you’re too stuck on what you think is best, and too happy in your personal comfort zone. She HAS considered your needs, and has lived that way for years.

With all my kindness, I'd say that if over 15 years, you did not develop routines, history, people who love you and who you love, and whatever else makes you tick in a place where you live, your mental health was pretty fragile to begin with. It's not normal.

As a military spouse, I agree.