Wife wants to move closer to family - but am I committed enough?

[Anonymous]

The whole “rejection of you” is quite a loaded story you’re telling yourself. What about the reverse? Aren’t you rejecting her by rejecting even the possibility of her hometown?

[Anonymous]

Where did you and your wife meet? If you met in the city, then she was presumably voluntarily living there, so it's not like you imposed some huge change on her--the two of you just continued to live where you met and married. I would be verywary of moving to her small hometown. You will always be the outsider, your children will be subsumed into her family, and if you're unhappy there and want to move back, she will never agree because she has family support there and will keep the children with her. You will lose all control of your family. I would not move--status quo wins. Call her bluff. If she really wants to move, she will go with or without you, but the children may well stay with you because it would mean uprooting them from their schools and community.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like she may have unresolved issues from her childhood or a romanticized notion of what life in her hometown would be like.

I too have pined for moving back “ home”, but when I spend any time there, I realize that I’m actually missing the past. Life has changed, people have passed away or moved on, and the hometown I long for no longer exists.

How often does she visit the place she wants to live? Maybe if she spent a few weeks there or a summer, she would see that it’s not as great as she imagined. Then, she might also love it - but at least you would know how she feels really being there and you would need to decide if it works for you too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where did you and your wife meet? If you met in the city, then she was presumably voluntarily living there, so it's not like you imposed some huge change on her--the two of you just continued to live where you met and married. I would be verywary of moving to her small hometown. You will always be the outsider, your children will be subsumed into her family, and if you're unhappy there and want to move back, she will never agree because she has family support there and will keep the children with her. You will lose all control of your family. I would not move--status quo wins. Call her bluff. If she really wants to move, she will go with or without you, but the children may well stay with you because it would mean uprooting them from their schools and community.

I agree with this and I'm a bit shocked by how many posters are siding with his wife. I doubt they'd be so open minded if their DH said "it was my lifelong dream to live in Manhattan, so pack the kids up, let's go".

[Anonymous]

I think the person who doesn't want to move has veto power in these situations unless there's a pressing need to move. It doesn't sound like DW has a pressing need she just wants to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since you grew up in the city, are you parents still here? Do you see them often and are they involved in your family’s life?

He said in the OP that his family is in the city.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where did you and your wife meet? If you met in the city, then she was presumably voluntarily living there, so it's not like you imposed some huge change on her--the two of you just continued to live where you met and married. I would be verywary of moving to her small hometown. You will always be the outsider, your children will be subsumed into her family, and if you're unhappy there and want to move back, she will never agree because she has family support there and will keep the children with her. You will lose all control of your family. I would not move--status quo wins. Call her bluff. If she really wants to move, she will go with or without you, but the children may well stay with you because it would mean uprooting them from their schools and community.

I find it hard to believe that there weren't conversations about how they would raise their children earlier on in the marriage, especially when a small town wife agreed to life in a city. Those are two completely different lifestyles. Generally people have an idea of how they want their kids raised.

[Anonymous]

Does she work?

How do you get along with her family? Would you want to live that close to them, small town aspect aside?

Personally, I think living super close to family is over-rated and ends up causing extra drama and strain in a marriage. Add in a small town you don't care for and I wouldn't want that either.

3 hrs is close enough you can make monthly visits. That should be plenty to keep close family relationships. The distance allows you to better create your own life, friends, and work on your own marriage without family interference. I would stay put

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where did you and your wife meet? If you met in the city, then she was presumably voluntarily living there, so it's not like you imposed some huge change on her--the two of you just continued to live where you met and married. I would be verywary of moving to her small hometown. You will always be the outsider, your children will be subsumed into her family, and if you're unhappy there and want to move back, she will never agree because she has family support there and will keep the children with her. You will lose all control of your family. I would not move--status quo wins. Call her bluff. If she really wants to move, she will go with or without you, but the children may well stay with you because it would mean uprooting them from their schools and community.

I find it hard to believe that there weren't conversations about how they would raise their children earlier on in the marriage, especially when a small town wife agreed to life in a city. Those are two completely different lifestyles. Generally people have an idea of how they want their kids raised.

Even when people do have those conversations, there’s a difference between hypothetical discussions before you even have kids and how you feel once you actually have experience living with those decisions as a parent. It may be that things OP’s wife thought would be positives about raising kids in a city have turned out to be negatives once she actually lived them.

Bigger picture, a relationship that leaves no room for the people in it to grow and change is very likely to die.

[Anonymous]

I would LOVE to move closer to my family. But, when I stop to think honestly about it, having friends here, community, work ... these all are really important. As is my kids' communities, schools, and feeling that they belong somewhere (although both have expressed an interest in moving to my home area, they want to finish HS here).

I'll bet your wife is actually unhappy about other things and is just taking it out on location, THINKING that a location change will help.

[Anonymous]

How are the schools there? The quality of education in a smaller town with less resources then we have in this area can be completely different.

[Anonymous]

Seems like there are some issues with the relationship. You question her commitment to you but don't actually know if you love her enough to move? Methinks you are projecting.

That said, I wouldn't move in your place. You most definitely will be the odd one out, while she will be in her environment. Maybe you'll thrive and make friends, but maybe you won't, and either way you'll be stuck there.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, I didn't really answer your question. No. No, you aren't committed enough, obviously.

[Anonymous]

I think I would offer the compromise of regular visits . 3 hours is close enough you could go every weekend. Or 2 weekends a month. Another option is to move midway so you're still close to the city and she's closer to family.

But honestly this sounds like a pre divorce move and she's setting it up for herself nicely.

[Anonymous]

By city what do you mean?

I wouldn’t want to live in the city or parent there, though part of this is that we parent based on what we know. I grew up in the suburbs, so I know what activities are and are not appropriate for my kids, and I know how to teach them the skills for them to enjoy themselves safely.

What does your wife hope to experience or do or gain by moving back to her hometown?

As for you, you are correct in your concerns, though I wouldn’t view her feelings as not appreciating what you have given her… if she doesn’t like it, she doesn’t like it.

Both of you seem very wedded if you will to what you want.
Are your friends her friends? Can she do the things she wants to do?
I have this vision of you enjoying the fun city life where she is looking out her window thinking “I’d love for the kids to be able to go outside and play with the garden hose but I can’t because we don’t have a garden hose and if we did, there is too much other stuff around here for the kids to play with it without disrupting the neighbors or people walking by”.

Is she the one stuck entertaining kids while you are at work? Is she thinking “I’d know exactly what to do if I had the space or environment”?


As for you, what is it that you don’t like about her home town? Can you be specific?


My husband grew up in a small town. I wouldn’t live there. Some of the people are wonderful and some are not. The ones who are not tend to have all kinds of weird ideas ranging from the harmless to the potentially marriage ending. Things like “Obama isn’t a citizen” to “masks are dumb” to “Jack has been going out with another woman.. does his wife know” only to refuse to believe that the “other woman” was Jack’s sister.

Really listen to what your wife has to say and tell her what you are worried about. Don’t view your lifestyle as a gift, remember gifts can be given away or not accepted.

Also make sure your wife feels included in your activities. I don’t mean “hey honey, if you can find someone to watch the kids, come on out with us” with the subtext being “and if you can’t, I’ll see you later” but make sure the two of you are spending as much time together as possible. Don’t hide behind your work or your friends or your activities or your family to avoid seeing and hearing what she’s telling you.