Wife wants to move closer to family - but am I committed enough?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just came back to a to of replies - wow - so a few answers to questions... I work from home so we are always together. She works from home too, a couple hours a day, in our business. We live in the suburbs of a large city. We have a large home, large garden, pool etc. I feel like I’ve given her everything she wanted - children, not working, lovely home - but all of it is not enough because she’s 3 hours away from her family. She has friends here but she doesn’t make much effort in our community (or even improving our house) because she thinks “I don’t want to be here so what’s the point?” I love her family, they are really great, but I also love my parents, who live close by. My wife lived in the city when we started our relationship. I told her back then that this is where my life is, as I had a large business here (which I’ve since sold.) I asked her to be sure this is where she wants to be. Ofc that was years ago and I respect that things change - OP

With all that background if I were you I would not move. But your attitude does seem a little uncomfortably quid pro quo. I would be upset if my husband said he should have more of a say in anything because “gave me” kids and a house, and his job allowed me to be a stay at home mom. In my marriage those were decisions we made together. Those shouldn’t be relevant unless those decisions were explicitly a compromise for her staying in the city.

Also I should mention that based on what you’re saying, it really does sound like your wife is being selfish. I hope other areas in your marriage are strong because yeah I don’t see a ton of love here by either of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re very selfish.

Why? Because he doesn't want to live in podunk and completely change his life for dubious reasons?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just came back to a to of replies - wow - so a few answers to questions... I work from home so we are always together. She works from home too, a couple hours a day, in our business. We live in the suburbs of a large city. We have a large home, large garden, pool etc. I feel like I’ve given her everything she wanted - children, not working, lovely home - but all of it is not enough because she’s 3 hours away from her family. She has friends here but she doesn’t make much effort in our community (or even improving our house) because she thinks “I don’t want to be here so what’s the point?” I love her family, they are really great, but I also love my parents, who live close by. My wife lived in the city when we started our relationship. I told her back then that this is where my life is, as I had a large business here (which I’ve since sold.) I asked her to be sure this is where she wants to be. Ofc that was years ago and I respect that things change - OP

What part of your thinking on this respects that things change? It sounds like you’re pretty dug in on staying where you are, regardless of how she feels.

Big picture, OP, your wife is unhappy. You want her to be happy with the trappings of a big house and a pool in your hometown, but she’s not. Do you love her enough to be open to a discussion of your family’s options? Would you consider seeing a marriage counselor to help you two work through this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just came back to a to of replies - wow - so a few answers to questions... I work from home so we are always together. She works from home too, a couple hours a day, in our business. We live in the suburbs of a large city. We have a large home, large garden, pool etc. I feel like I’ve given her everything she wanted - children, not working, lovely home - but all of it is not enough because she’s 3 hours away from her family. She has friends here but she doesn’t make much effort in our community (or even improving our house) because she thinks “I don’t want to be here so what’s the point?” I love her family, they are really great, but I also love my parents, who live close by. My wife lived in the city when we started our relationship. I told her back then that this is where my life is, as I had a large business here (which I’ve since sold.) I asked her to be sure this is where she wants to be. Ofc that was years ago and I respect that things change - OP

With all that background if I were you I would not move. But your attitude does seem a little uncomfortably quid pro quo. I would be upset if my husband said he should have more of a say in anything because “gave me” kids and a house, and his job allowed me to be a stay at home mom. In my marriage those were decisions we made together. Those shouldn’t be relevant unless those decisions were explicitly a compromise for her staying in the city.

She isn’t a stay at home mom.

[Anonymous]

Yes we can see a counsellor. I already see a therapist weekly about all my own issues.

My wife is a SAHM and I only work a few hours a day. I’m heavily involved I our children’s lives.

Also, I don’t live in the US - OP

[Anonymous]

My spidey sense is telling me there is something that lies underneath that is making her feel unhappy other than pining for family. IMO, being 3 hours away is nothing. It's not like she's on the other side of the country or a 1000 miles away. She can literally go home whenever she wants.

My sense is that she THINKS being close to family will make her feel better when in reality there is somehting else she doesn't like - maybe it's you? Dunno.

Go to counseling. This is not worth divorcing over. Can you find a middle ground? My fear, however, is if this goes unresolved, she will sink more and more into unhappiness and you will be the target of her resentment. This builds and then who knows what happens after that - affairs, etc.

[Anonymous]

This exact scenario happened to my brother. He and DW met and lived in suburban area and she later wanted to move "home" to another suburban area that was 5 hours away. He did not want to, and when he finally came around months later very reluctantly, she said she felt rejected and asked for a divorce.

Be forewarned that if you move there and divorce, you will have to stay there if you want to see your kids. My x-SIL wanted to take the kids there without him on a "vacation" after announcing that she wanted to separate, and his friends and family intervened and asked him to see a lawyer ASAP. She was going to take them there, enroll them in school, and file, so that the legal jurisdiction would be there. The lawyer said the best thing he could do was file for divorce, which he did not want to do. But, he also did not want to uproot their lives and jobs. It was agonizing.

A Marriage Story on Netflix had the same scenario too, but they moved to the state the wife wanted.

[Anonymous]

You sound very self centered .

[Anonymous]

I don't understand what you are doing where you are that you can't do three hours away. How often do you really see your friends? Can you just get a small apartment in the city and come back with your wife on weekends to see your friends?
Can she go and live where she wants to live, and you can stay where you are and visit her frequently?

It seems crazy to me that she is trapped in this city until her children are grown. I really just don't see your justification for doing that to her. If she wants go to back to the small town, let her go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spidey sense is telling me there is something that lies underneath that is making her feel unhappy other than pining for family. IMO, being 3 hours away is nothing. It's not like she's on the other side of the country or a 1000 miles away. She can literally go home whenever she wants.

My sense is that she THINKS being close to family will make her feel better when in reality there is somehting else she doesn't like - maybe it's you? Dunno.

Go to counseling. This is not worth divorcing over. Can you find a middle ground? My fear, however, is if this goes unresolved, she will sink more and more into unhappiness and you will be the target of her resentment. This builds and then who knows what happens after that - affairs, etc.

The problem is people who get married but don't begin to prioritize their spouse and children over their family. In other words, married in name only. There is a lot more going on here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes we can see a counsellor. I already see a therapist weekly about all my own issues.

My wife is a SAHM and I only work a few hours a day. I’m heavily involved I our children’s lives.

Also, I don’t live in the US - OP

I sensed a culturally different way of looking at marriage in the OP’s posts. A lot of the advice here may possibly not apply in a different culture from that found in the DC area.

[Anonymous]

She just wants what you have had all of this time: being by HER family for example.

This is a test if you are willing to compromise for her. She has already passed that test.

Maybe you are just selfish. Seeing this whole thing as revolving around you and your needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spidey sense is telling me there is something that lies underneath that is making her feel unhappy other than pining for family. IMO, being 3 hours away is nothing. It's not like she's on the other side of the country or a 1000 miles away. She can literally go home whenever she wants.

My sense is that she THINKS being close to family will make her feel better when in reality there is somehting else she doesn't like - maybe it's you? Dunno.

Go to counseling. This is not worth divorcing over. Can you find a middle ground? My fear, however, is if this goes unresolved, she will sink more and more into unhappiness and you will be the target of her resentment. This builds and then who knows what happens after that - affairs, etc.

The problem is people who get married but don't begin to prioritize their spouse and children over their family. In other words, married in name only. There is a lot more going on here.

Agree. I don't think this is a simple homesick issue. And again, it's only 3 hours away. Seems like there's something else going on. Maybe if OP resolves whatever root cause is, it eliminates the need to move?

[Anonymous]

Not living in the us might make a difference fir the three hour bit. I hear three hours for a regular trip in the UK is unfathomable for the majority of people whereas I would pay lots of money for my DW to only want to be three hours away. Currently she wants to move 8 hrs drive, so if OP feels more like this long distance, I feel for you.

Context matters.

[Anonymous]

Sounds to me like two grandmothers putting pressure on their kids to have the grandkids nearby. I don’t think either of you have compelling reasons for staying or moving.

Why don’t you two figure out where you want to live? Sounds like you could live just about anywhere.