Wife wants to move closer to family - but am I committed enough?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She has been making this sacrifice for you to her actual unhappiness, but you’re not willing to make the same sacrifice because of your potential unhappiness? I guess she loves you more than you love her.

+1

[Anonymous]

Go where it’ll be best for the kids and job. I think many of us have to make that decision and it is really tough. I miss my family back home but educational opportunities and career so much better here. Maybe if she got a job she’d be happier?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not living in the us might make a difference fir the three hour bit. I hear three hours for a regular trip in the UK is unfathomable for the majority of people whereas I would pay lots of money for my DW to only want to be three hours away. Currently she wants to move 8 hrs drive, so if OP feels more like this long distance, I feel for you.

Context matters.

+1

[Anonymous]

Another DCUM thread where, if we reversed the genders, I bet we get radically different responses.

OP - Just because your spouse wants something doesn’t make you wrong for not wanting it too. I think you need to go see a lawyer on your own, to learn what you give up by making the move (eg: different states have different laws, once you move then all she has to do is say “no” and you will be the one who cannot leave, etc.).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes we can see a counsellor. I already see a therapist weekly about all my own issues.

My wife is a SAHM and I only work a few hours a day. I’m heavily involved I our children’s lives.

Also, I don’t live in the US - OP

Your previous post said she works a few hours a day toward the family business, which means she is not a SAHM. She is a working parent.

[Anonymous]

Does your wife get along with your family or are there issues there?

Is she really close to her own family or does she say she is close but they are not really? ie does she want the idea of a close family but probably won't get it when she returns?

Are the friends really your friends?

Are the schools better there? Would it be a better lifestyle there?

Its only 3 hours you could drive there twice a month and see her family or do you find excuses not to travel back?

Does she have siblings or friends in her home town that have children that she wants to spend time with as she is a SAHM? Does she have a support network where you live?

If you move there you also can travel back easily to see family and friends. I would discuss this with your therapist. If your wife isn't close with your family or if there are issues I would look at moving, it will help the marriage.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s really crappy when spouses have such a bad attitude about location. Sounds like your wife has never even tried to make to work here and has whined and complained the whole time. I would be really angry about that. Unless there was an agreement upfront about future plans, I would be *very* upset about the expectation of moving to a small town (and I grew up in a small town). I think she’s being unfair to you and a bad role model for your kids on how to make the best of situations.

If you go through counseling and ultimately decide to move there, I would just try it for a summer first before uprooting the kids. She may be pining for something that doesn’t really exist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s really crappy when spouses have such a bad attitude about location. Sounds like your wife has never even tried to make to work here and has whined and complained the whole time. I would be really angry about that. Unless there was an agreement upfront about future plans, I would be *very* upset about the expectation of moving to a small town (and I grew up in a small town). I think she’s being unfair to you and a bad role model for your kids on how to make the best of situations.

If you go through counseling and ultimately decide to move there, I would just try it for a summer first before uprooting the kids. She may be pining for something that doesn’t really exist.

This right here

[Anonymous]

Could you agree to longer, more regular visits to her hometown?

Maybe even scheduling them out so she has something to look forward to?

[Anonymous]

Op, this board is great for unfiltered advice, but it is very US centric, and specifically Washington DC centric. In the DC area it is not unheard of for a *daily* commute to be 90 minutes one way — so you are driving/commuting three+ hours daily.

If there is an online forum specific to your city or country, you might get more balanced advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another DCUM thread where, if we reversed the genders, I bet we get radically different responses.

OP - Just because your spouse wants something doesn’t make you wrong for not wanting it too. I think you need to go see a lawyer on your own, to learn what you give up by making the move (eg: different states have different laws, once you move then all she has to do is say “no” and you will be the one who cannot leave, etc.).

Exactly. Did anyone ask where the couple met or whether the wife expressed any desire to move back before the first kid was born? It sounds like OP won’t be happy in a small town and his wife isn’t happy in the city, but a spouse is entitled to reasonable expectations based on the circumstances. And small-town living can be awful for kids used to a more interesting environment.

[Anonymous]

This is why you talk about this stuff before you get married.

What did you say about this years ago before you had kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I have been together 15 years, married for 11, and have 3 children. I grew up and we live in the city. My wife, since our first child was born, pines to move back to the small town she grew up in, which is a 3-hour drive away. It is a constant source of contention in our marriage because I don’t want to give up our life here (our friends, my family, my work.) it feels like we are at make or break right now. I see her rejection of our life here as a rejection of me and everything I’ve worked so hard to give her. It feels like her hometown is a turf that I’ll be an outsider to and will lose any sense of indentity I have. I wish so much she could accept where we live (and therefore me) but I also understand her desire to be closer to her family. I just don’t know if I “lover her enough” to give up my life here to uplift everything so she has what she wants. I’ve considered moving somewhere halfway but I don’t see the point in us both being unhappy. Please help. I’m so desperate right now.

OP, Take a quick step back and think about your post.

My opinion on this is from the other side. I’m the “trailing spouse” and it sucks. It sucks far beyond what I ever thought it would.

So when you say you’re near “our” friends, you mean you’re near your friends that she has also become friends with. You’re near your family, friends, work, familiar things, routine, history. You have everything you have known your entire life, including close support from your family.,

You talk about feeling rejected that you’ve built some kind of life for her. Did you ever consider that maybe it’s more the life that YOU want? It’s like giving someone a gift that they don’t like. They have to grin and be grateful, but they’re thinking “what the hell am I supposed to Dow til this now?”

Your wife is isolated as a SAH, especially if your kids are older. You know that outsider feeling you’re worried about if you move to her town - she likely feels is every day. Some cities are terrible about outsiders, especially if they think you’re not metropolitan enough to be there.

Oh, and yeah - she’s given up her identity to live in your city.

I moved for my spouse. It uprooted everything I had, including a career I loved. I managed to get a job in my industry, but online, which meant I didn’t have the benefit of face time with peers. I don’t fit in with the local moms as I’m older and not from here. Many people SAH and I work. We have a lovely house, but it’s my prison. I pine every day to go back to where we lived before, where I had friends and things I loved, and people who loved me. It’s seriously impacted my mental health, 9 years later, and in that, I beg you to at least consider moving for your wife, as it sounds like your job will be the same. Experience what she has - a shift in not knowing what she knows, a lack of family support, sacrifice. Feeling like a stranger every where you go.

I know you won’t, because like my DH, you’re too stuck on what you think is best, and too happy in your personal comfort zone. She HAS considered your needs, and has lived that way for years.

[Anonymous]

If you aren't even in the US I don't see how anyone can give you advice. Obviously there are many other factors in play we don't know about and can't understand

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I have been together 15 years, married for 11, and have 3 children. I grew up and we live in the city. My wife, since our first child was born, pines to move back to the small town she grew up in, which is a 3-hour drive away. It is a constant source of contention in our marriage because I don’t want to give up our life here (our friends, my family, my work.) it feels like we are at make or break right now. I see her rejection of our life here as a rejection of me and everything I’ve worked so hard to give her. It feels like her hometown is a turf that I’ll be an outsider to and will lose any sense of indentity I have. I wish so much she could accept where we live (and therefore me) but I also understand her desire to be closer to her family. I just don’t know if I “lover her enough” to give up my life here to uplift everything so she has what she wants. I’ve considered moving somewhere halfway but I don’t see the point in us both being unhappy. Please help. I’m so desperate right now.

OP, Take a quick step back and think about your post.

My opinion on this is from the other side. I’m the “trailing spouse” and it sucks. It sucks far beyond what I ever thought it would.

So when you say you’re near “our” friends, you mean you’re near your friends that she has also become friends with. You’re near your family, friends, work, familiar things, routine, history. You have everything you have known your entire life, including close support from your family.,

You talk about feeling rejected that you’ve built some kind of life for her. Did you ever consider that maybe it’s more the life that YOU want? It’s like giving someone a gift that they don’t like. They have to grin and be grateful, but they’re thinking “what the hell am I supposed to Dow til this now?”

Your wife is isolated as a SAH, especially if your kids are older. You know that outsider feeling you’re worried about if you move to her town - she likely feels is every day. Some cities are terrible about outsiders, especially if they think you’re not metropolitan enough to be there.

Oh, and yeah - she’s given up her identity to live in your city.

I moved for my spouse. It uprooted everything I had, including a career I loved. I managed to get a job in my industry, but online, which meant I didn’t have the benefit of face time with peers. I don’t fit in with the local moms as I’m older and not from here. Many people SAH and I work. We have a lovely house, but it’s my prison. I pine every day to go back to where we lived before, where I had friends and things I loved, and people who loved me. It’s seriously impacted my mental health, 9 years later, and in that, I beg you to at least consider moving for your wife, as it sounds like your job will be the same. Experience what she has - a shift in not knowing what she knows, a lack of family support, sacrifice. Feeling like a stranger every where you go.

I know you won’t, because like my DH, you’re too stuck on what you think is best, and too happy in your personal comfort zone. She HAS considered your needs, and has lived that way for years.

This post is nuts. Because the OP's wife is NOT a trailing spouse. They met in their mutual city and have set up a life there. She's was not in the city because of OP. She was there of her own free will. Years later she decided she doesn't want to live there anymore. Totally different than a spouse that gets dragged from city to city for their spouse's job.