Wife wants to move closer to family - but am I committed enough?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I have been together 15 years, married for 11, and have 3 children. I grew up and we live in the city. My wife, since our first child was born, pines to move back to the small town she grew up in, which is a 3-hour drive away. It is a constant source of contention in our marriage because I don’t want to give up our life here (our friends, my family, my work.) it feels like we are at make or break right now. I see her rejection of our life here as a rejection of me and everything I’ve worked so hard to give her. It feels like her hometown is a turf that I’ll be an outsider to and will lose any sense of indentity I have. I wish so much she could accept where we live (and therefore me) but I also understand her desire to be closer to her family. I just don’t know if I “lover her enough” to give up my life here to uplift everything so she has what she wants. I’ve considered moving somewhere halfway but I don’t see the point in us both being unhappy. Please help. I’m so desperate right now.

OP, Take a quick step back and think about your post.

My opinion on this is from the other side. I’m the “trailing spouse” and it sucks. It sucks far beyond what I ever thought it would.

So when you say you’re near “our” friends, you mean you’re near your friends that she has also become friends with. You’re near your family, friends, work, familiar things, routine, history. You have everything you have known your entire life, including close support from your family.,

You talk about feeling rejected that you’ve built some kind of life for her. Did you ever consider that maybe it’s more the life that YOU want? It’s like giving someone a gift that they don’t like. They have to grin and be grateful, but they’re thinking “what the hell am I supposed to Dow til this now?”

Your wife is isolated as a SAH, especially if your kids are older. You know that outsider feeling you’re worried about if you move to her town - she likely feels is every day. Some cities are terrible about outsiders, especially if they think you’re not metropolitan enough to be there.

Oh, and yeah - she’s given up her identity to live in your city.

I moved for my spouse. It uprooted everything I had, including a career I loved. I managed to get a job in my industry, but online, which meant I didn’t have the benefit of face time with peers. I don’t fit in with the local moms as I’m older and not from here. Many people SAH and I work. We have a lovely house, but it’s my prison. I pine every day to go back to where we lived before, where I had friends and things I loved, and people who loved me. It’s seriously impacted my mental health, 9 years later, and in that, I beg you to at least consider moving for your wife, as it sounds like your job will be the same. Experience what she has - a shift in not knowing what she knows, a lack of family support, sacrifice. Feeling like a stranger every where you go.

I know you won’t, because like my DH, you’re too stuck on what you think is best, and too happy in your personal comfort zone. She HAS considered your needs, and has lived that way for years.

With all my kindness, I'd say that if over 15 years, you did not develop routines, history, people who love you and who you love, and whatever else makes you tick in a place where you live, your mental health was pretty fragile to begin with. It's not normal.

As a military spouse, I agree.

So, do you agree that someone who has fragile mental health should live near an established social support network while raising children?

[Anonymous]

I moved to my wife's parents place. We live in a separate house from her parents but live on the same property. I want to move back where we lived for the past ten years. Living here, she has told me she does not want any of my family to visit us. She told me if I move back, she would not move back with me. She also said she would keep our children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Work is not a problem as I can work remotely. I’m not good with big changes and this is the ultimate. We could get a holiday home there, we have looked at it, but ultimately it would just result in her still being unhappy in the city. So it seems to me like it has to be all or nothing. - OP

If you get a holiday home there, can she just live there, and you visit her on the weekends when you aren't working? Many, many people do this, and it seems easier and cheaper than a divorce.

Do this! When she spends more time there, the fantasy may wear off. She has idealized this place. And if it is really better for her, she can be happy and you don't lose yourself either. You can also spend a week here and there, since you work remotely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I have been together 15 years, married for 11, and have 3 children. I grew up and we live in the city. My wife, since our first child was born, pines to move back to the small town she grew up in, which is a 3-hour drive away. It is a constant source of contention in our marriage because I don’t want to give up our life here (our friends, my family, my work.) it feels like we are at make or break right now.

I see her rejection of our life here as a rejection of me and everything I’ve worked so hard to give her. It feels like her hometown is a turf that I’ll be an outsider to and will lose any sense of indentity I have. I wish so much she could accept where we live (and therefore me) but I also understand her desire to be closer to her family. I just don’t know if I “lover her enough” to give up my life here to uplift everything so she has what she wants. I’ve considered moving somewhere halfway but I don’t see the point in us both being unhappy. Please help. I’m so desperate right now.

This is so vague. You haven't even touched on if you work remotely, can go in twice a month only, or what these metro areas are. You aren't thinking of solutions and possibilities here, you're just thinking of yourself and inertia.

Reset your mind: This sounds like a fun adventure, better for the kids than the "city", closer to family, and a better quality of life.

People move all the time OP. much farther than you are thinking of, and may switch jobs entirely at the same time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Work is not a problem as I can work remotely. I’m not good with big changes and this is the ultimate. We could get a holiday home there, we have looked at it, but ultimately it would just result in her still being unhappy in the city. So it seems to me like it has to be all or nothing. - OP

What city?

What "not good with changes"? like autism?

Why and how unhappy is she in the mystery city with 3 kids?

Does she work?

What's the actual underlying problem here OP? If I was dumped on with 3 kids in a place like Manhattan and ignored by a passive work addict spouse I'd want to move someplace better too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I have been together 15 years, married for 11, and have 3 children. I grew up and we live in the city. My wife, since our first child was born, pines to move back to the small town she grew up in, which is a 3-hour drive away. It is a constant source of contention in our marriage because I don’t want to give up our life here (our friends, my family, my work.) it feels like we are at make or break right now. I see her rejection of our life here as a rejection of me and everything I’ve worked so hard to give her. It feels like her hometown is a turf that I’ll be an outsider to and will lose any sense of indentity I have. I wish so much she could accept where we live (and therefore me) but I also understand her desire to be closer to her family. I just don’t know if I “lover her enough” to give up my life here to uplift everything so she has what she wants. I’ve considered moving somewhere halfway but I don’t see the point in us both being unhappy. Please help. I’m so desperate right now.

OP, Take a quick step back and think about your post.

My opinion on this is from the other side. I’m the “trailing spouse” and it sucks. It sucks far beyond what I ever thought it would.

So when you say you’re near “our” friends, you mean you’re near your friends that she has also become friends with. You’re near your family, friends, work, familiar things, routine, history. You have everything you have known your entire life, including close support from your family.,

You talk about feeling rejected that you’ve built some kind of life for her. Did you ever consider that maybe it’s more the life that YOU want? It’s like giving someone a gift that they don’t like. They have to grin and be grateful, but they’re thinking “what the hell am I supposed to Dow til this now?”

Your wife is isolated as a SAH, especially if your kids are older. You know that outsider feeling you’re worried about if you move to her town - she likely feels is every day. Some cities are terrible about outsiders, especially if they think you’re not metropolitan enough to be there.

Oh, and yeah - she’s given up her identity to live in your city.

I moved for my spouse. It uprooted everything I had, including a career I loved. I managed to get a job in my industry, but online, which meant I didn’t have the benefit of face time with peers. I don’t fit in with the local moms as I’m older and not from here. Many people SAH and I work. We have a lovely house, but it’s my prison. I pine every day to go back to where we lived before, where I had friends and things I loved, and people who loved me. It’s seriously impacted my mental health, 9 years later, and in that, I beg you to at least consider moving for your wife, as it sounds like your job will be the same. Experience what she has - a shift in not knowing what she knows, a lack of family support, sacrifice. Feeling like a stranger every where you go.

I know you won’t, because like my DH, you’re too stuck on what you think is best, and too happy in your personal comfort zone. She HAS considered your needs, and has lived that way for years.

This post is nuts. Because the OP's wife is NOT a trailing spouse. They met in their mutual city and have set up a life there. She's was not in the city because of OP. She was there of her own free will. Years later she decided she doesn't want to live there anymore. Totally different than a spouse that gets dragged from city to city for their spouse's job.

How is it “nuts”? You have no idea what it’s like to live away from family, especially when you have small children, until you do. You can ”agree” to all kinds of things until you realize retry don’t work for you.

People are changeable, flexible, and human things. WTF is with you people who can’t get that? His wife was in a big city, and realized it didn’t serve her, as *there was nothing there for her*. No family, no friends, no work, no support.

I'm the PP you're responding to. It's not nuts to change your opinion or determine later that you don't like something. But it is NUTS to unilaterally say you are taking the kids and moving to a small town three hours away and if the DH doesn't come, it's because he is "selfish".

It’s also “nuts” to claim whatever on an anonymous birds, when you are only hearing one side of the story. OPS wife maybe only agreed to live wherever for a few years. She has maybe tried to explain her side of things. Unilateral would also be OPs original post, but you’re not calling him nuts.

Increasingly these nonsense posts are Troll OPs.

[Anonymous]

this thread is from 3 years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just out of curiosity, if you realize that you "don't love her enough," does that absolve you of any obligation to your wife and family? Because that's cool. No wonder you are so distraught.

Yeah, OP is picking his employer not his wife & kids. What a dilemna.... How can we help you pin this on her OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:this thread is from 3 years ago.

ugh.

I see. very odd psycho bump complainer post too. he should start his own thread and not block out key facts so much.

[Anonymous]

I know this post is old, but I felt this way when my kids were little, and I really wish my husband had just agreed to move.
They are older now, and I would have moved back or wherever he wanted to move. I just wanted to have my extended family around me when my kids were growing up and I was alone doing a lot of parenting stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know this post is old, but I felt this way when my kids were little, and I really wish my husband had just agreed to move.
They are older now, and I would have moved back or wherever he wanted to move. I just wanted to have my extended family around me when my kids were growing up and I was alone doing a lot of parenting stuff.

Start a new thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I moved to my wife's parents place. We live in a separate house from her parents but live on the same property. I want to move back where we lived for the past ten years. Living here, she has told me she does not want any of my family to visit us. She told me if I move back, she would not move back with me. She also said she would keep our children.

OP, I'm sorry that you are going through this. You have done the right thing and sacrificed your lifestyle "in the city."

Blocking visits from your family is not ok, as I'm sure you know it. It looks like you are at a crossroads. Maybe sign a one-year lease on an apartment in the city, spend a big part of the workweek there, and see how it will work out.

Cities offer more educational, cultural and career opportunities than small towns. Would she be inclined to accept this as a reason to move back? Young adults flee small towns because of the lack of opportunities.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I moved to my wife's parents place. We live in a separate house from her parents but live on the same property. I want to move back where we lived for the past ten years. Living here, she has told me she does not want any of my family to visit us. She told me if I move back, she would not move back with me. She also said she would keep our children.

OP, I'm sorry that you are going through this. You have done the right thing and sacrificed your lifestyle "in the city."

Blocking visits from your family is not ok, as I'm sure you know it. It looks like you are at a crossroads. Maybe sign a one-year lease on an apartment in the city, spend a big part of the workweek there, and see how it will work out.

Cities offer more educational, cultural and career opportunities than small towns. Would she be inclined to accept this as a reason to move back? Young adults flee small towns because of the lack of opportunities.

Good luck!

Let me try to paint the picture. We bought a house a year and a half ago where we were in the area from ten years. She wants to sell the house, but we all liked living down there. I got cancer a few months ago, but everything is good. No cancer now. I like where I am working, but I have a very hard time living in a very rural area. I am a Christian and I know our good Lord, Jesus Christ, is doing amazing things in my life. I am trying to put all of my faith in him. When we live down there, my wife always took our children to her parents. She also had our oldest child stay with them many times. She did not want my parents to have her. My wife was very spoiled when she grew up (I do not want to say much more, because I am trying to love her as much as I can). My wife has MS and the health insurance is not the best. They are not covering all of her medicine that her doctor has ordered. We had great insurance where we lived before. We had a great church family down there as well. That was our "HOME".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Work is not a problem as I can work remotely. I’m not good with big changes and this is the ultimate. We could get a holiday home there, we have looked at it, but ultimately it would just result in her still being unhappy in the city. So it seems to me like it has to be all or nothing. - OP

You can work remotely. This is a no brainer.

My parents had this problem. Difference was my dad could not find a job there.

They had a still have a horrible marriage. This destroyed them. You can go—you should.

[Anonymous]

OP. What did you all decide?