How do you deal with seeing people who hurt you out in the world?

[Anonymous]

I’m a big fan of catharsis. I don’t see the people I’ve cut off, but I hear about them, and it sends me into fight or flight mode. I gotta burn that energy off.

I usually go for really fast walks (running would probably be better but I hate it) while blasting angry “F U” music and imagine doing all the things I wish I could do to those people - yelling, screaming, confronting them, saying all the sh!t I wish I could say. If I can’t get out of the house, I’ll lay in bed and tense each muscle group from my feet to my head, one at a time, while imaging doing all the things I can’t do to them in real life.

I’m not a violent person at all and I get it sounds nuts, but it basically tricks my body into thinking it fought and fled and won, and all that stress goes away.

[Anonymous]

There is a woman who did the same thing to me and she is my next door neighbor. Ugh. The thing that really helped, not that I wish this on anyone, was her kid hurt our kid in front of my DH. Now DH "gets it." It was the same thing as the mother -- convincing a group to gang up on one individual in a relentless and very hurtful way. In that case, the kids were physically hurting our child.

Over time, we have done a number of exterior repairs on our house. When the house is looking torn up, this lady smiles and waves enthusiastically. When the upgrades are looking really nice, she scowls and turns away or blocks eye contact with her hand. It is the opposite of the other neighbors who like to live in a nice neighborhood where property values are increasing with the upgrades and repairs. I get to tell DH "I saw Larla today and the house must be looking good because she scowled at me." We have started to laugh at her for being so competitive.

If I am out somewhere and notice Larla, I noticed sunglasses (even indoors), help break eye contact without trying too hard. I have always thought sunglasses indoors is so rude but now I do it too!

[Anonymous]

I will pray for you that she publicly shits her pants in front of people she wants to impress. And a kid films it and puts it on TikTok. Amen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a big fan of catharsis. I don’t see the people I’ve cut off, but I hear about them, and it sends me into fight or flight mode. I gotta burn that energy off.

I usually go for really fast walks (running would probably be better but I hate it) while blasting angry “F U” music and imagine doing all the things I wish I could do to those people - yelling, screaming, confronting them, saying all the sh!t I wish I could say. If I can’t get out of the house, I’ll lay in bed and tense each muscle group from my feet to my head, one at a time, while imaging doing all the things I can’t do to them in real life.

I’m not a violent person at all and I get it sounds nuts, but it basically tricks my body into thinking it fought and fled and won, and all that stress goes away.

This is really good advice. I have an ex friend who lives nearby who hurt me in a similar way (not outright lies, but disclosing private information about me to people at my work, making it so uncomfortable for me I had to quit my job). I learned to never leave the house without my headphones. If I see her, I like to blast music that makes me feel the way I want — powerful, beautiful, take no prisoners, give no f*cks.

It’s an amazing mood boost and I can feel it change my posture, the way I walk, even the expression on my face. Do this, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the older I get, the less I believe that (1) there is a record and (2) it can be set "straight."

OP, I truly believe you would be happier living in another neighborhood.

I see this advice a lot in threads like this and it always seems weird to me. Don’t move, OP! Why would you let this woman dictate your life in that way? If you can find a way to be less bothered by her, that will be the true victory. Imagine how powerful it will be to hold your head high in the knowledge that it is this woman, not you, who did a terrible, shameful thing. Who makes up lies about others and spreads them around? Insecure, limited, callow people. It sounds like you are the opposite.

Also, while it’s true that sometimes there’s no setting the record straight, you know the truth about yourself. Live joyfully within that. Don’t subscribe to this woman’s lies. You may never convince someone if your old friends of the truth, but that doesn’t mean the truth ceases to exist. Hold onto it.

[Anonymous]

Hey OP, I feel you deeply. I don’t just have one gross mean liar neighbor, but this awful clique that of several women that ostracized me. The story is honestly worthy of a NYT bestseller. We also thought about moving. We did not. A few thoughts:
- Headphones, hat, sunglasses - whatever you need to feel a bit of a physical barrier when walking past these people
- Make no real eye contact or expression, like passing a stranger in the cereal aisle
- Sometimes I do laugh or smile! Remember, if they ever say, what are you laughing at, you have a great answer: “I laugh at jokes.” They are the joke.
- music and singing along aloud, podcast aloud, taking a phone call - the more you get into a place of I’m Doing Whatever I Please, it will both build your confidence and comfort level, and have the side bonus of getting under their skin.
- Boost your confidence by visibly living your best life in the neighorhood - plant new flowers in your front yard, go for walks in your awesome new coat and bouncy blowout, etc

In my case, it was incredibly cruel and unfair, AND it will never be unfair. I’m 4 yrs out. I have chosen, at this point, to view the situation as a chance for me to grow in confidence and fearlessness. It took me awhile to get here. Let them talk about me, I now see the hilariousness of that - without me, they’d have nothing to talk about. I, on the other hand, have this whole life and world that they’ll never be part of.

[Anonymous]

I'm so glad you posted this topic, OP. Whether it's mean girls or gossipy jealous coworkers, many people have struggled with how to handle being the recipient of unfair, cruel, or bullying treatment.

Some of the techniques that can work include reducing exposure. Avoid the hurtful people if you can. Invest a lot in building positive relationships with others. I quit my dream job to get away. (I really missed the work, but not the toxic culture.) You have to decide for yourself how far you want to and can go to establish a safe community for yourself.

The harder part is ending the trauma loop that plays in your head no matter where you are. Try paying attention to when it's happening. For me, oddly, I tend to replay the hurtful moments when I'm drying my hair. To stop the loop, I've started watching the news while I get ready for the day. It gives me something else to focus on. My therapist has also recommended counting things around me, like the number of towels under the sink. (You might try counting items on the menu, for example, at the coffee shop.) Sounds nutty, but it works. It forces you to stay in the moment and not let your mind wander back to the trauma. Your goal is to retrain your brain so you get out of the habit of ruminating on the painful stuff.

Good luck and big hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the older I get, the less I believe that (1) there is a record and (2) it can be set "straight."

OP, I truly believe you would be happier living in another neighborhood.

I see this advice a lot in threads like this and it always seems weird to me. Don’t move, OP! Why would you let this woman dictate your life in that way? If you can find a way to be less bothered by her, that will be the true victory. Imagine how powerful it will be to hold your head high in the knowledge that it is this woman, not you, who did a terrible, shameful thing. Who makes up lies about others and spreads them around? Insecure, limited, callow people. It sounds like you are the opposite.

Also, while it’s true that sometimes there’s no setting the record straight, you know the truth about yourself. Live joyfully within that. Don’t subscribe to this woman’s lies. You may never convince someone if your old friends of the truth, but that doesn’t mean the truth ceases to exist. Hold onto it.

I think people respond this way (tell people to move) because it makes the gossiper look bad if their target leaves the neighborhood. I didn't believe it until I saw it myself. There is a neighborhood near us, and there have been more than a few people over the years who decided to move from that particular neighborhood, to a couple neighborhoods away. Some places have reputations for being gossipy - and incorrect about their information. If people move from there, it becomes obvious which party is right and which one is really just looking for trouble where there is none. It makes the gossiper look bad if people leave, only to move nearby. In some cases, it drives the gossiper mad, which is actually funny. Gossipers don't win. If OP happens to find a nicer house in a nicer neighborhood, so be it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the older I get, the less I believe that (1) there is a record and (2) it can be set "straight."

OP, I truly believe you would be happier living in another neighborhood.

Depends how bad the harassment is. OP, document everything. We had a neighbor (Larla) who picked on another neighbor (Larlo) and actually called the cops on any little thing. Of course, the cops got tired of Larla's false reports. People like Larla think they have a score to settle, or they might be trying to get negative neighborhood attention off of them. They are always "up to" something. If you are lucky, your "Larla" will find another target. Did she do something bad that she is trying to distract from? She probably had a bad reputation before, and is trying to put someone else in the "firing zone"? Your neighbor is trying to deflect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You tell yourself when you see them that they are a stranger and you treat them that way. If you happen to look in their direction, keep a neutral look and then look away and keep going.

This. They do not exist, they do not exist...

[Anonymous]

It sounds like a bad situation, but what if something similar happened to your child at school? You would tell him/her to ignore the other person and focus on themselves and their friends, right? So that's what you need to tell yourself as well. You're not going to move because of this person, so when you run into them, you just ignore them completely.

[Anonymous]

If I run into the OW, I’ll c@nt punt her.

[Anonymous]

Don’t get down, get even. Find subtle ways to make her life miserable. Put a dating ad on Craigslist with her phone number on it, make a fake Instagram account with her name on it. Order some inappropriate magazine subscriptions To her house. Order large pizzas to her house and make her pay for them. Think about egging her car or stealing a hub cap so they don’t match. Less is more in this situation. But you’ll have a much better outlook once YOU get away with something that affects her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the older I get, the less I believe that (1) there is a record and (2) it can be set "straight."

OP, I truly believe you would be happier living in another neighborhood.

I see this advice a lot in threads like this and it always seems weird to me. Don’t move, OP! Why would you let this woman dictate your life in that way? If you can find a way to be less bothered by her, that will be the true victory. Imagine how powerful it will be to hold your head high in the knowledge that it is this woman, not you, who did a terrible, shameful thing. Who makes up lies about others and spreads them around? Insecure, limited, callow people. It sounds like you are the opposite.

Also, while it’s true that sometimes there’s no setting the record straight, you know the truth about yourself. Live joyfully within that. Don’t subscribe to this woman’s lies. You may never convince someone if your old friends of the truth, but that doesn’t mean the truth ceases to exist. Hold onto it.

I think people respond this way (tell people to move) because it makes the gossiper look bad if their target leaves the neighborhood. I didn't believe it until I saw it myself. There is a neighborhood near us, and there have been more than a few people over the years who decided to move from that particular neighborhood, to a couple neighborhoods away. Some places have reputations for being gossipy - and incorrect about their information. If people move from there, it becomes obvious which party is right and which one is really just looking for trouble where there is none. It makes the gossiper look bad if people leave, only to move nearby. In some cases, it drives the gossiper mad, which is actually funny. Gossipers don't win. If OP happens to find a nicer house in a nicer neighborhood, so be it.

No. Do not move with the hope it will make someone look bad. The goal here is peace and freedom for OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like a bad situation, but what if something similar happened to your child at school? You would tell him/her to ignore the other person and focus on themselves and their friends, right? So that's what you need to tell yourself as well. You're not going to move because of this person, so when you run into them, you just ignore them completely.

This is reasonable advice. I think imagining what we'd tell our kid is a good way to think of things. Sometimes I also imagine what the 80-yr-old version of myself would advise. In this case, the answer to both is to just walk ahead without acknowledging this person, and know in your gut it will get better and easier eventually - some day you will even struggle to remember her name.