How do you deal with seeing people who hurt you out in the world?

[Anonymous]

There is a person who lives in my neighborhood who did some really awful things to me, including spreading a series of nasty lies about me. I have cut off all contact with her and don't even really talk to any of our mutual friends because I view her as dangerous and I just want to stay away from her.

The problem is she live a few blocks away, and I see her and her husband sometimes. It's not enough to where I'd consider moving (like if she was my next door neighbor, I would 100% move without even thinking that hard about it). But it's enough where it feels like a pretty regular reminder of what happened with her -- like maybe once or twice a week.

I thought that with time it would get easier and eventually I wouldn't think that much about it. But it's been over a year and it still upsets me. I just saw her last night outside the grocery store and have been in a funk ever since because I'm dwelling on what happened with her and can't seem to snap myself out of it. I know it will pass in a day or two, but then I also know I'll inevitably see her somewhere and go through it again.

I think a major reason it bothers me is that while I think I made the best choice given the circumstances, some part of me will always feel angry that she "got away" with telling these lies about me. When it happened, I decided I'd rather just not spend time with people who talk behind others back in this way, and also that anyone who believed these lies about me probably wasn't a friend worth having anyway. But it does mean she basically got what she wanted -- she was cruel to me for whatever reason, and I disappeared rather than fight it out because it just didn't feel like a worthwhile conflict to me. So it feels like she "won" even though I don't necessarily feel like I lost anything of real value.

Any advice for how I can deal with these brief glimpses of her without getting upset? I know I need to let it go, as the song says, but I'm obviously having a hard time. Any guidance?

[Anonymous]

That's terrible and one year isn't that long. It's normal to feel the anger and depression.

You should seek out a framework to handle these thoughts. They aren't beneficial, as of course you know and at this point are only hurting you. Right now, they seem to be bouncing around at will in your head, which is also normal.

As Seneca wrote in the Shortness of Life, “If you really want to escape the things that harass you, what you’re needing is not to be in a different place but to be a different person.”

Nothing has happened to you that hasn't happened to countless others. This is not to lessen what happened but sometimes it's helpful to remember that millions of others throughout time have dealt with the same thing. Figure out how they got through it. What does history say about this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's terrible and one year isn't that long. It's normal to feel the anger and depression.

You should seek out a framework to handle these thoughts. They aren't beneficial, as of course you know and at this point are only hurting you. Right now, they seem to be bouncing around at will in your head, which is also normal.

As Seneca wrote in the Shortness of Life, “If you really want to escape the things that harass you, what you’re needing is not to be in a different place but to be a different person.”

Nothing has happened to you that hasn't happened to countless others. This is not to lessen what happened but sometimes it's helpful to remember that millions of others throughout time have dealt with the same thing. Figure out how they got through it. What does history say about this?

Thank you for your kind words.

But I'm not sure what history has to say about this. I'm sure many people have been the subject of terrible gossip and felt awful about it. I'm sure lots of people have lived near someone who hurt them and felt upset when they ran into them on the street. But I don't know how they dealt with it. I guess that's why I'm asking.

Has anyone else had to do this? Live near or work with someone who was awful to them? I just don't want to feel so icky (sorry that's the best word I could come up with) every time I pass this woman on the street.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a person who lives in my neighborhood who did some really awful things to me, including spreading a series of nasty lies about me. I have cut off all contact with her and don't even really talk to any of our mutual friends because I view her as dangerous and I just want to stay away from her.

The problem is she live a few blocks away, and I see her and her husband sometimes. It's not enough to where I'd consider moving (like if she was my next door neighbor, I would 100% move without even thinking that hard about it). But it's enough where it feels like a pretty regular reminder of what happened with her -- like maybe once or twice a week.

I thought that with time it would get easier and eventually I wouldn't think that much about it. But it's been over a year and it still upsets me. I just saw her last night outside the grocery store and have been in a funk ever since because I'm dwelling on what happened with her and can't seem to snap myself out of it. I know it will pass in a day or two, but then I also know I'll inevitably see her somewhere and go through it again.

I think a major reason it bothers me is that while I think I made the best choice given the circumstances, some part of me will always feel angry that she "got away" with telling these lies about me. When it happened, I decided I'd rather just not spend time with people who talk behind others back in this way, and also that anyone who believed these lies about me probably wasn't a friend worth having anyway. But it does mean she basically got what she wanted -- she was cruel to me for whatever reason, and I disappeared rather than fight it out because it just didn't feel like a worthwhile conflict to me. So it feels like she "won" even though I don't necessarily feel like I lost anything of real value.

Any advice for how I can deal with these brief glimpses of her without getting upset? I know I need to let it go, as the song says, but I'm obviously having a hard time. Any guidance?

What did she say about you? Were you able to set the record straight?

[Anonymous]

How you get over it is living your best life. Make new friends and move on. Don’t allow her to take up residence in your head. Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a person who lives in my neighborhood who did some really awful things to me, including spreading a series of nasty lies about me. I have cut off all contact with her and don't even really talk to any of our mutual friends because I view her as dangerous and I just want to stay away from her.

The problem is she live a few blocks away, and I see her and her husband sometimes. It's not enough to where I'd consider moving (like if she was my next door neighbor, I would 100% move without even thinking that hard about it). But it's enough where it feels like a pretty regular reminder of what happened with her -- like maybe once or twice a week.

I thought that with time it would get easier and eventually I wouldn't think that much about it. But it's been over a year and it still upsets me. I just saw her last night outside the grocery store and have been in a funk ever since because I'm dwelling on what happened with her and can't seem to snap myself out of it. I know it will pass in a day or two, but then I also know I'll inevitably see her somewhere and go through it again.

I think a major reason it bothers me is that while I think I made the best choice given the circumstances, some part of me will always feel angry that she "got away" with telling these lies about me. When it happened, I decided I'd rather just not spend time with people who talk behind others back in this way, and also that anyone who believed these lies about me probably wasn't a friend worth having anyway. But it does mean she basically got what she wanted -- she was cruel to me for whatever reason, and I disappeared rather than fight it out because it just didn't feel like a worthwhile conflict to me. So it feels like she "won" even though I don't necessarily feel like I lost anything of real value.

Any advice for how I can deal with these brief glimpses of her without getting upset? I know I need to let it go, as the song says, but I'm obviously having a hard time. Any guidance?

Meditate. Pray. Exercise. Make new friends. Connect with family or friends that are trusted confidantes that you can vent and laugh with about these sightings. Laughter is key. I also had something happen to me and at times I want revenge because it was so unfair. On most days though I try to find joy and really I do believe when one door closes it allows another to open up. Look for the next open door. It really is true. Good luck!!

[Anonymous]

You tell yourself when you see them that they are a stranger and you treat them that way. If you happen to look in their direction, keep a neutral look and then look away and keep going.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, OP. I had something similar happen and I "took the high road" because I felt bad for the woman. But it nagged at me for years. Still get triggered when I think about it or see a name like hers (it's a unique name). It"s been 20 years. Moving won't do anything. I constructed a narrative in my head that I would share if anyone brought it up. I think I simply felt helpless and victimized by it, as if I had no recourse. Because, well, I didn't. Now, for whatever reason, I feel stronger and more empowered. I think now I would talk less about the events and more how they made me feel. Bullied. Embarrassed to have people think that about me (and some mutual friends did). Alone. Isolated. Even as I type out those words, I feel stronger. Shame magnifies this type of pain, I think.

[Anonymous]

Just before I married DH, someone I thought was a friend did something that cost me $60k over the next 5 years. As part of our pre-Cana marriage sessions, DH said one thing he struggled with was my difficulty in forgiving her and how difficult it made life since we were part of a small social group. At his urging, I forgave her and we began group socializing again. Never just us and Larla, but not avoiding events I knew she’d attend.

Then for the next 5 years, I wrote the checks. As the reality of what she did to me moved from theoretical to a gaping hole in our finances, DH began to pay closer attention to all of her supposed mistakes and oversights that impacted others. One night, returning from a child-centered event, he turned to me and said “Larla is just an awful person. I was wrong to push you to let her back into your life.”

[Anonymous]

Have you considered smashing her car window and putting a bunch of raw shrimp in there?

[SRMIII]

My therapist's mantra was "you can't make anyone say, feel, thing, or do ANYTHING". Albert Ellis would say that the thoughts you have about her are irrational beliefs. The Stoics would say it isn't what she did, but how you feel about it, that upsets you. It boils down to changing the way you feel, which (according to my therapist, Ellis, and the Stoics) means changing your thoughts about it. It takes practice, I guess. In a way, you could say it's a good thing she lives sort of near you, because you aren't faced with her daily, but she didn't disappear off the face of the earth either, so you get chances to practice without having to over exert yourself.

BTW Ellis' irrational beliefs are:
It is a dire necessity for adult humans to be loved or approved by virtually every significant other person in their community.
One absolutely must be competent, adequate and achieving in all important respects or else one is an inadequate, worthless person.
People absolutely must act considerately and fairly and they are damnable villains if they do not. They are their bad acts.
It is awful and terrible when things are not the way one would very much like them to be.
Emotional disturbance is mainly externally caused and people have little or no ability to increase or decrease their dysfunctional feelings and behaviors.
If something is or may be dangerous or fearsome, then one should be constantly and excessively concerned about it and should keep dwelling on the possibility of it occurring.
One cannot and must not face life's responsibilities and difficulties and it is easier to avoid them.
One must be quite dependent on others and need them and you cannot mainly run one's own life.
One's past history is an all-important determiner of one's present behavior and because something once strongly affected one's life, it should indefinitely have a similar effect.
Other people's disturbances are horrible and one must feel upset about them.
There is invariably a right, precise and perfect solution to human problems and it is awful if this perfect solution is not found.

A previous therapist I had suggested I read him. Ellis pissed me off big time (threw the book at the wall). On the other hand, if you look at the list, a few of those seem to apply to the challenge you face, (Note: it's ALWAYS easier to suggest someone else change their thoughts than to change one's own)

[Anonymous]

What goes around comes around. She will get hers in the end.

Hold your head high and just take comfort in that.

[Anonymous]

SRMIII wrote:My therapist's mantra was "you can't make anyone say, feel, thing, or do ANYTHING". Albert Ellis would say that the thoughts you have about her are irrational beliefs. The Stoics would say it isn't what she did, but how you feel about it, that upsets you. It boils down to changing the way you feel, which (according to my therapist, Ellis, and the Stoics) means changing your thoughts about it. It takes practice, I guess. In a way, you could say it's a good thing she lives sort of near you, because you aren't faced with her daily, but she didn't disappear off the face of the earth either, so you get chances to practice without having to over exert yourself.

BTW Ellis' irrational beliefs are:
It is a dire necessity for adult humans to be loved or approved by virtually every significant other person in their community.
One absolutely must be competent, adequate and achieving in all important respects or else one is an inadequate, worthless person.
People absolutely must act considerately and fairly and they are damnable villains if they do not. They are their bad acts.
It is awful and terrible when things are not the way one would very much like them to be.
Emotional disturbance is mainly externally caused and people have little or no ability to increase or decrease their dysfunctional feelings and behaviors.
If something is or may be dangerous or fearsome, then one should be constantly and excessively concerned about it and should keep dwelling on the possibility of it occurring.
One cannot and must not face life's responsibilities and difficulties and it is easier to avoid them.
One must be quite dependent on others and need them and you cannot mainly run one's own life.
One's past history is an all-important determiner of one's present behavior and because something once strongly affected one's life, it should indefinitely have a similar effect.
Other people's disturbances are horrible and one must feel upset about them.
There is invariably a right, precise and perfect solution to human problems and it is awful if this perfect solution is not found.

A previous therapist I had suggested I read him. Ellis pissed me off big time (threw the book at the wall). On the other hand, if you look at the list, a few of those seem to apply to the challenge you face, (Note: it's ALWAYS easier to suggest someone else change their thoughts than to change one's own)

Except, I make a reasonable presumption that OP does not need to be "liked" by everyone, and OP is just fine, if not better, without the gossip mongerer in her life. OP, how well do you even know this person? If she just has a score to settle, believe me, it will be crystal clear to anyone on the receiving end of her BS. You don't have to say a thing, really. Sometimes people's reputations preceed them.... all the way from high school... literally. This is to your advantage! BE happy and enjoy your life, it is truly the best revenge. In fact, this may be what set her off, to begin with

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a person who lives in my neighborhood who did some really awful things to me, including spreading a series of nasty lies about me. I have cut off all contact with her and don't even really talk to any of our mutual friends because I view her as dangerous and I just want to stay away from her.

The problem is she live a few blocks away, and I see her and her husband sometimes. It's not enough to where I'd consider moving (like if she was my next door neighbor, I would 100% move without even thinking that hard about it). But it's enough where it feels like a pretty regular reminder of what happened with her -- like maybe once or twice a week.

I thought that with time it would get easier and eventually I wouldn't think that much about it. But it's been over a year and it still upsets me. I just saw her last night outside the grocery store and have been in a funk ever since because I'm dwelling on what happened with her and can't seem to snap myself out of it. I know it will pass in a day or two, but then I also know I'll inevitably see her somewhere and go through it again.

I think a major reason it bothers me is that while I think I made the best choice given the circumstances, some part of me will always feel angry that she "got away" with telling these lies about me. When it happened, I decided I'd rather just not spend time with people who talk behind others back in this way, and also that anyone who believed these lies about me probably wasn't a friend worth having anyway. But it does mean she basically got what she wanted -- she was cruel to me for whatever reason, and I disappeared rather than fight it out because it just didn't feel like a worthwhile conflict to me. So it feels like she "won" even though I don't necessarily feel like I lost anything of real value.

Any advice for how I can deal with these brief glimpses of her without getting upset? I know I need to let it go, as the song says, but I'm obviously having a hard time. Any guidance?

Let's just say that you are on their radar MUCH more than they are on your radar, OP. Smile and wave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You tell yourself when you see them that they are a stranger and you treat them that way. If you happen to look in their direction, keep a neutral look and then look away and keep going.

This right here