How do you deal with seeing people who hurt you out in the world?

[Anonymous]

Can anyone shed some light on what kind of gossip the posters are enduring? Is it directed at you or your children? I have been in the suburbs for decades and haven’t seen this kind of Queen Bee behavior. I am not naive, but it’s hard to imagine that other neighbors are so desperate that they follow along.

[Anonymous]

I have been dealing with this situation for 18 months. I completely understand. And in my case this person has been running for local office in a very close race, so even if I don't see her in person (I do sometimes), I see her signs all over the place and her name and face in the newspaper. Our kids are the same age and grew up together and go to school together. I have seen her walking in my neighborhood recently too. She lives one over.

She was one of my closest friends for years until last year when I found out she had an affair with my ex-boyfriend - with whom I was still in love at the time and confided in her about him.

I have gone to therapy about the situation in the past, but the issue is especially interfering with my daily life now because of the election. If she wins I am definitely going to have to go to therapy. I definitely feel like she has 'gotten away' with it because her campaign ads have photos of her "happy family" and nobody is the wiser. It helps that she has burned bridges with other mutual friends and likely has some sort of personality disorder, but it is still a huge mind f***.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the older I get, the less I believe that (1) there is a record and (2) it can be set "straight."

OP, I truly believe you would be happier living in another neighborhood.

I see this advice a lot in threads like this and it always seems weird to me. Don’t move, OP! Why would you let this woman dictate your life in that way? If you can find a way to be less bothered by her, that will be the true victory. Imagine how powerful it will be to hold your head high in the knowledge that it is this woman, not you, who did a terrible, shameful thing. Who makes up lies about others and spreads them around? Insecure, limited, callow people. It sounds like you are the opposite.

Also, while it’s true that sometimes there’s no setting the record straight, you know the truth about yourself. Live joyfully within that. Don’t subscribe to this woman’s lies. You may never convince someone if your old friends of the truth, but that doesn’t mean the truth ceases to exist. Hold onto it.

I think people respond this way (tell people to move) because it makes the gossiper look bad if their target leaves the neighborhood. I didn't believe it until I saw it myself. There is a neighborhood near us, and there have been more than a few people over the years who decided to move from that particular neighborhood, to a couple neighborhoods away. Some places have reputations for being gossipy - and incorrect about their information. If people move from there, it becomes obvious which party is right and which one is really just looking for trouble where there is none. It makes the gossiper look bad if people leave, only to move nearby. In some cases, it drives the gossiper mad, which is actually funny. Gossipers don't win. If OP happens to find a nicer house in a nicer neighborhood, so be it.

No. Do not move with the hope it will make someone look bad. The goal here is peace and freedom for OP.

No, you are missing the point. I am saying that (after the fact) - if OP were to move for other reasons, the perp would think it "was all about her" (because, isn't everything? LOL) and the perp would take offense and go into gossip mongering mode to try to protect herself and her (already bad) reputation. Off kilter people like OP mentions need the negative attention off of them, no matter how, and dragging someone else, no matter how innocuous, into the equation is the only way they know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

No. Do not move with the hope it will make someone look bad. The goal here is peace and freedom for OP.

No, you are missing the point. I am saying that (after the fact) - if OP were to move for other reasons, the perp would think it "was all about her" (because, isn't everything? LOL) and the perp would take offense and go into gossip mongering mode to try to protect herself and her (already bad) reputation. Off kilter people like OP mentions need the negative attention off of them, no matter how, and dragging someone else, no matter how innocuous, into the equation is the only way they know.

I think moving to get away from someone who spread untrue gossip about you could potentially make people think the gossip was true. People tend to trust what is in front of them. If the gossipy neighbor is in front of them saying "Oh yeah, Larla cheats on her taxes and slept with her boss to get her new position," people might be skeptical but will also wonder if it's true. That's why gossip is so terrible -- even if it sound preposterous, just the suggestion of scandal can color people's perception of you.

Now, if people interact with her, they are more likely to think, "Huh, all that stuff I heard about Larla seems crazy now that I'm talking to her." Or even if they just see Larla around, dropping her kids off at school or shopping at the grocery store, and she holds her head up and just lives her life, their perception will at least also include these normal images of Larla and not just the untrue ideas the gossiper planted.

But if, on the other hand, Larla moves away and people don't see her anymore, the gossip will be the thing that lingers. Even if it's nuts, people will think, "Well, even if it's not ALL true, if even some of it is..." and that's it for Larla. Now she's a pariah.

So no, don't move. Live your life, hold your head up, trust that as people interact with you, those experiences will define their opinion of you, and not some rumor they heard from someone who, let's be honest, probably talks a lot of shit about people behind their backs.

And if they don't, their loss. Seriously. People who traffic in second- and third-hand gossip are not worth the energy. It will always catch up to them, one way or another. Don't waste another thought on them.

[Anonymous]

If you are living a life where those lies shouldn't be believed, then you win. She and anyone believing her must live sad existences to take pleasure in harming another. Try thinking of something pitying when you see her. "Imagine being that insecure/self-centered/desperate for validation/etc that you'd do that . . ." Then focus on yourself "I'm the better person because I moved on. I can be stronger because I know the value of trust." Think of something good that has happened in your life lately. Switch your attention to that for a while and think of some person you want to call and share that with. Soon your mind will be on your own joy and she won't be living in your head.

[Anonymous]

She knows that she lied about you, and that she was cruel. She’s not a healthy person, and she has to live with that. You are not the last person she will be cruel and malicious to, and that’s her cross to bear. She’s toxic.

The truth is, she may have wanted a fight, and an enduring conflict, and you didn’t give it to her. You recognized the situation for what it was, and exited stage left; you dropped the rope. That’s healthy, OP, as painful as it is. When you see her at the store, and keep a poker face and keep moving along, then YOU are the winner.

We can’t control what others think of us. That doesn’t mean it’s easy to let it go. Maybe just take a deep breath when you see her, to center yourself. Remember that’s she’s “dangerous”, and broken, if she deliberately set out to hurt you. I’m sure you wouldn’t want to trade places with her.

[Anonymous]

Also - I think a good way to get over it is to be kind to others. Where she was cruel, you can be kind.

[Anonymous]

OP, I also had a neighbor treat me really badly, spread lies about me and more. You know what I feel when I see her? Pity. She's an unhappy person how remains bitter to the core. Her face is pinched and angry. Neighbors end up seeing through the lies. People who lie tend to talk way too much and the truth has a way of coming out. I've had neighbors tell me that it took them awhile but they finally realized what was going on and who was the one creating problems. I was on the receiving end but I'm not the one letting it drag me down. I am happy with my husband, my family, my home, my life. That's all the matters. She's not important, OP. Let it go. As corny as it sounds living your best life really is the best way to get past being wronged. Mean people are not happy people. They are broken people trying to fill the holes in their lives by lashing out. Rise above all of that! You can do it, OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t get down, get even. Find subtle ways to make her life miserable. Put a dating ad on Craigslist with her phone number on it, make a fake Instagram account with her name on it. Order some inappropriate magazine subscriptions To her house. Order large pizzas to her house and make her pay for them. Think about egging her car or stealing a hub cap so they don’t match. Less is more in this situation. But you’ll have a much better outlook once YOU get away with something that affects her.

Please don't do any of this, OP. Some people like to fight and if you stoop to their level you may be giving them EXACTLY what they want. Ignoring her will give her the opposite of what she's look for and it will help you move on.

[Anonymous]

OP are they actually lies or did you do something mean to her?

I think a lot of people don’t see the part they played in a situation or their own bad behavior and point fingers. Are her “lies” telling people what happened because that’s fair game if you’re going to be mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP are they actually lies or did you do something mean to her?

I think a lot of people don’t see the part they played in a situation or their own bad behavior and point fingers. Are her “lies” telling people what happened because that’s fair game if you’re going to be mean.

Agreed but some people mistake something they don't like (they built a fence and I don't like the fence) for something mean. It's an important distinction to make.

[Anonymous]

We had a very serious situation with toxic neighbors in our previous neighborhood where we had built our dream home. All I will say is that as the years have passed, I have witnessed Karma take a huge bite in awful ways at the horrible people. Karma is real. If you have been wronged, you don't need to do anything. Aside from that, there is some really good advice here about dealing with the negative emotions from these situations.

[Anonymous]

I have the exact same situation. The individual in question tried and almost succeeded in ruining my life a couple of years ago. I try to avoid running into this person, and when I do, I just ignore. The fear / trauma of meeting has receded through time. The reality is, there is nothing they can do to hurt you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had a very serious situation with toxic neighbors in our previous neighborhood where we had built our dream home. All I will say is that as the years have passed, I have witnessed Karma take a huge bite in awful ways at the horrible people. Karma is real. If you have been wronged, you don't need to do anything. Aside from that, there is some really good advice here about dealing with the negative emotions from these situations.

I agree. I know it’s going to get that b@tch. Only so married men you can blatantly screw before it catches up to your own family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can anyone shed some light on what kind of gossip the posters are enduring? Is it directed at you or your children? I have been in the suburbs for decades and haven’t seen this kind of Queen Bee behavior. I am not naive, but it’s hard to imagine that other neighbors are so desperate that they follow along.

It depends what kind of neighborhood you land in. Some neighborhoods look good on paper, then you move there, and find it is like high school (actually much, much, much worse, I loved high school). If you aren't familiar, it is hard to explain to someone - lots of gaslighting, gossiping about untrue things, lots of trying to get the focus off them (mean girls). If you are really lucky, you get a crazy that calls the cops over nothing, and gets other people to do the same - until they figure out what is really happening (the cops are none too happy). Just enjoy your quiet, peaceful neighborhood if you don't have that kind of sh&tshow. Be grateful.