How do you deal with seeing people who hurt you out in the world?

[Anonymous]

I agree with treating her as a stranger, unless, as has happened to me, your dog darts up to them in joy.

Then you just have to be distantly polite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a person who lives in my neighborhood who did some really awful things to me, including spreading a series of nasty lies about me. I have cut off all contact with her and don't even really talk to any of our mutual friends because I view her as dangerous and I just want to stay away from her.

The problem is she live a few blocks away, and I see her and her husband sometimes. It's not enough to where I'd consider moving (like if she was my next door neighbor, I would 100% move without even thinking that hard about it). But it's enough where it feels like a pretty regular reminder of what happened with her -- like maybe once or twice a week.

I thought that with time it would get easier and eventually I wouldn't think that much about it. But it's been over a year and it still upsets me. I just saw her last night outside the grocery store and have been in a funk ever since because I'm dwelling on what happened with her and can't seem to snap myself out of it. I know it will pass in a day or two, but then I also know I'll inevitably see her somewhere and go through it again.

I think a major reason it bothers me is that while I think I made the best choice given the circumstances, some part of me will always feel angry that she "got away" with telling these lies about me. When it happened, I decided I'd rather just not spend time with people who talk behind others back in this way, and also that anyone who believed these lies about me probably wasn't a friend worth having anyway. But it does mean she basically got what she wanted -- she was cruel to me for whatever reason, and I disappeared rather than fight it out because it just didn't feel like a worthwhile conflict to me. So it feels like she "won" even though I don't necessarily feel like I lost anything of real value.

Any advice for how I can deal with these brief glimpses of her without getting upset? I know I need to let it go, as the song says, but I'm obviously having a hard time. Any guidance?

What did she say about you? Were you able to set the record straight?

No need. People are smarter than gossipy people think. They know a plant when they hear it.

[Anonymous]

UP - I have been there too. I will keep checking back for the advice given here. Thanks to everyone responding.

[Anonymous]

I would have as difficult time not confronting her. Have you walked up to her and told her that gossip she spread got back to you? People like that never think anyone will confront them. She picked you because you won't confront her.

[Anonymous]

When you see her, toss our head back and laugh. Shake your head. Then move on.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you to everyone who replied. I think after reading your suggestions that I need to work harder not to notice her.

I think when I see her, I am almost drawn to her. I don't ever approach her, and never would, but I sometimes feel this deer in the headlights feeling, like I am paralyzed by the sight of her and my body doesn't know what to do. I think part of me still just feels confused. I don't understand why this happened, what made this woman behave this way, or why people believed it. When I found out what was being said, my first reaction was to laugh because it seemed so ridiculous to me. It was only later that I realized many people were now wondering if it was true.

But I'm never going to understand. That's it. It will never make sense. It's not like a movie where there will be a reveal 2/3 of the way through that will explain why this all happened and there will be some kind of resolution and forward momentum. I'm never going to get closure. That's why I notice her -- because I want answers and resolution. And I will never get it.

I've never had to accept something quite like this before, something just fundamentally unfair but also weirdly, frustratingly, unchangeable. I know that means I've lived a privileged life.

I'm going to work on not noticing her. If I see her, I will force myself to turn my head as soon as I can. I don't want to notice what she is wearing or what she is doing. I don't want to notice her husband or her car or her house. I don't want to notice anything about her.

I'm just going to keep reminding myself: nothing to see here. She's not my friend. She's not my enemy. She has nothing to offer me. There is no reason to invest even a moment of my time on her. I am sure when I see her I can find something or someone more interesting to look at without trying particularly hard. So that's what I'm going to do.

Thanks again for sharing. It really helped me work through this. Wish me luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you see her, toss our head back and laugh. Shake your head. Then move on.

OP doesn't seem capable of laughing or shrugging this off, though. A year later, and she is bothered by this woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you see her, toss our head back and laugh. Shake your head. Then move on.

OP doesn't seem capable of laughing or shrugging this off, though. A year later, and she is bothered by this woman.

This is OP. If I did this, I feel confident this woman would go around telling people that I was deranged and that she saw me "laughing hysterically on the street and talking to herself." I would really prefer not to draw her attention to me in any way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you see her, toss our head back and laugh. Shake your head. Then move on.

OP doesn't seem capable of laughing or shrugging this off, though. A year later, and she is bothered by this woman.

This is OP. If I did this, I feel confident this woman would go around telling people that I was deranged and that she saw me "laughing hysterically on the street and talking to herself." I would really prefer not to draw her attention to me in any way.

I am wondering why you didn't confront her at the time. You write it wasn't worth the conflict to you, but here you are a year later. She's not doing anything to you. You seem bothered by her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you see her, toss our head back and laugh. Shake your head. Then move on.

OP doesn't seem capable of laughing or shrugging this off, though. A year later, and she is bothered by this woman.

This is OP. If I did this, I feel confident this woman would go around telling people that I was deranged and that she saw me "laughing hysterically on the street and talking to herself." I would really prefer not to draw her attention to me in any way.

I am wondering why you didn't confront her at the time. You write it wasn't worth the conflict to you, but here you are a year later. She's not doing anything to you. You seem bothered by her.

I did confront her. It changed nothing. That's why I decided it was not worth the conflict to me -- I did not want to fight with someone who was obviously not acting in good faith.

And yes, I am bothered by her. That was the literal point of this thread -- I am bothered by her and I would like to not be. Fortunately, people had some useful things to share and I have some ideas for how to move forward.

Thanks so much for your interest and concern.

[Anonymous]

It’s childish, but when I was angry at an ex-friend, I pictured all sorts of revenge scenarios in my head. Terrible ones that I never shared with anyone. I also thought really petty things about her in my head and tore apart her clothes, her body, her family, her education and career... It’s not for everyone but it helped me see her as a pathetic nothing rather than someone with some sort of power over me.

[Anonymous]

I'd get a hat or mask that sums up what you'd want to say/how you feel about her. Carry it always in your purse and put it on when you see she is at the same place. Every time.

So "I saw what you did, there" "everyone knows you suck" "karma will get you" or some such. It will go over everyone else's heads (and you will likely get compliments). That would give me a giggle every time.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think you can forget what she did and how you feel is justified of course.

What I think you can do is fill up the void in your life so that what she did doesn’t loom so large. Hard to do during COVID but there are ways. Do you have other friends OP? Do you have kids? Do you have hobbies? Do you volunteer? Do you have a creative outlet to express yourself and these universal feelings? The busier you are and the better the people who you surround yourself with, the less this will matter. I genuinely forget about some old petty friends and what they did because I have fabulous mature fun friends now who are good people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think you can forget what she did and how you feel is justified of course.

What I think you can do is fill up the void in your life so that what she did doesn’t loom so large. Hard to do during COVID but there are ways. Do you have other friends OP? Do you have kids? Do you have hobbies? Do you volunteer? Do you have a creative outlet to express yourself and these universal feelings? The busier you are and the better the people who you surround yourself with, the less this will matter. I genuinely forget about some old petty friends and what they did because I have fabulous mature fun friends now who are good people.

Also, I like this poem (if you’re religious you can use the Mother Teresa version):
https://www.paradoxicalcommandments.com/

[Anonymous]

I think the older I get, the less I believe that (1) there is a record and (2) it can be set "straight."

OP, I truly believe you would be happier living in another neighborhood.