Anyone completely blind sided by a cheating spouse ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And I’m stuck in my damn house and want to throw all of his sh@t out the window.

Call a lawyer and kick him out. In 2 years you will be fine.

[Anonymous]

My two cents from having been there:

1. Don't believe anything he's telling you.
2. Request that he leave immediately.
3. Chump Lady. The book is excellent and got me through the first weeks of this hell. I recommend downloading it immediately. It's an easy read, even though I'm sure it's hard for you to focus on anything.
4. Tell a few trusted people -- family, friends, whatever.
5. Consult a lawyer. Just call any divorce lawyer and get a sense of what to expect, what paperwork you need if you decide to divorce.
6. Your well-being is so, so important. I'm sure it's hard for you to eat and sleep right now. But take a walk, call a friend, make yourself a cup of tea, whatever. You have some rough days ahead and you need to prepare as well as possible for them.

I'm so sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. We separated the next day and divorced after the required waiting period. It was so unbelievably hard. I felt disoriented for a year. I still don't understand what the hell happened.

Did one of you move out immediately?

Yes, he moved out very quickly.

[Anonymous]

My sister’s ex husband was getting a bj from her best friend. In the hospital parking lot. While she was giving birth to their son. She was completely blindsided when someone told her. She divorced his nasty a$$ so fast he barely knew what hit him. I was amazed by how well she kept her dignity and class through that mess. I couldn’t have done it.

[Anonymous]

I'm really sorry, OP. What a crushing blow. I agree with the PP that said you should trust anything he says right now. I'd also insist he get a 3 month AirBnB and self-isolate - or, at least, not be around you and your kids. The betrayal is bad enough but to consciously expose you and your kids to whatever germs is AP has is unconscionable. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m in a ton of shock right now. The level of deception —especially during a time like this-has me reeling.

There are no divorces on either side of my family. My parents had a very happy marriage and I had a great childhood.

That’s what I will mourn for my kids and it will change the rest of their lives. My family does big family holidays and everyone is tight knit.

His family is full of dysfunction which I should have cared more about and seen red flags in my 20s. His father was a real piece of work. We’ve been married 21 years.

I feel physically sick to my stomach. And it’s a f@cking pandemic so it’s not like we can go anywhere.

Yes, it is very shocking. How did you find out? How was he having an affair during the pandemic? Making up fake errands or work? Does he want to get divorced?

Fake need to go into the office yesterday having to do with security computer patch. Had been complaining it might be a possibility since Monday.

Are you ready for this? I am looking at my photos (are phones sync) and there is obviously a photo that was accidentally taken of a floor half bed window and his pants underwear on floor and I see laptop in corner all with iPhone date stamp and location.

Things have been good. He was seeing a therapist on his own. He claims because of this and he ended it yesterday. He was working with therapist about coming clean and on himself. Therapy part is true but he had anger issues (not scary) and I now know why he was snapping at kids. Still always trying to have sex, normal in every other way...

Truly the last thing I would expect.

And we’ve not had anyone in our home, wear gloves mask at grocery store, kids don’t have play dates...

And he does this?!?!! Omg. I really can’t make this up and it’s so far-fetched I can’t even confide in neighbors/friends because I have my kids to think about.

No way can I recover from this. I am still in literal shock phase. No prior signals.

I got this story beat, I'm sorry I don't have time to write it out all right now but I could write a screenplay and sell it to Hollywood. He had had been so short tempered, fussy and dismissive with me. We had agreed to go to counseling - in conclusion one day he told me he was going on a work trip and I knew it wasn't true so I put an extra phone in his luggage and did find my iPhone. Only place in the location was a hotel 300 miles from where he said he was going, I actually called the hotel and asked for his room, I almost passed out when the front desk connected me, I chickened out and hung up. I was waiting in the lobby in the morning, %#^ really hit the fan. My 8 year old innocently told me he had been taking her to hang out with this woman while we were together. Things got 1000X worse, he eventually ran off with her. Two kids, at first I was angry, then I was devastated and wanted my family back I would have done anything.

The craziest divorce and custody case more and more crap kept coming out. He realized he made a mistake and a year later comes crawling back but he has to tell me something first. He had a 3 yo child in his country from different woman than the one I caught him with, our youngest was 4 years. A couple of months before I caught him in the hotel I was pregnant and he pressured me into an abortion against my will under the guise he was so concerned about my health as I had lupus and my sister had just passed away from the lupus and my pregnancies are extremely are high risk.

His family all knew about the child and kept it a secret. I had been extremely close with his mother and had to cut her off. To this day he is delusional and insists we are still married and will not allow me to move on with my life. I was a SAHM and was ruined for a short period but I was able to get back into my lucrative specialized field quite easily. I got full custody because he moved across the country for work. I've been in therapy for three years but I'm still quite damaged by thing that he did that I didn't include in this narrative but things are much better for me emotionally now that I have some distance from the events. I am still astounded by his capacity for deception. You are stronger then you know, its not just a cliche.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m in a ton of shock right now. The level of deception —especially during a time like this-has me reeling.

There are no divorces on either side of my family. My parents had a very happy marriage and I had a great childhood.

That’s what I will mourn for my kids and it will change the rest of their lives. My family does big family holidays and everyone is tight knit.

His family is full of dysfunction which I should have cared more about and seen red flags in my 20s. His father was a real piece of work. We’ve been married 21 years.

I feel physically sick to my stomach. And it’s a f@cking pandemic so it’s not like we can go anywhere.

Yes, it is very shocking. How did you find out? How was he having an affair during the pandemic? Making up fake errands or work? Does he want to get divorced?

Fake need to go into the office yesterday having to do with security computer patch. Had been complaining it might be a possibility since Monday.

Are you ready for this? I am looking at my photos (are phones sync) and there is obviously a photo that was accidentally taken of a floor half bed window and his pants underwear on floor and I see laptop in corner all with iPhone date stamp and location.

Things have been good. He was seeing a therapist on his own. He claims because of this and he ended it yesterday. He was working with therapist about coming clean and on himself. Therapy part is true but he had anger issues (not scary) and I now know why he was snapping at kids. Still always trying to have sex, normal in every other way...

Truly the last thing I would expect.

And we’ve not had anyone in our home, wear gloves mask at grocery store, kids don’t have play dates...

And he does this?!?!! Omg. I really can’t make this up and it’s so far-fetched I can’t even confide in neighbors/friends because I have my kids to think about.

No way can I recover from this. I am still in literal shock phase. No prior signals.

I got this story beat, I'm sorry I don't have time to write it out all right now but I could write a screenplay and sell it to Hollywood. He had had been so short tempered, fussy and dismissive with me. We had agreed to go to counseling - in conclusion one day he told me he was going on a work trip and I knew it wasn't true so I put an extra phone in his luggage and did find my iPhone. Only place in the location was a hotel 300 miles from where he said he was going, I actually called the hotel and asked for his room, I almost passed out when the front desk connected me, I chickened out and hung up. I was waiting in the lobby in the morning, %#^ really hit the fan. My 8 year old innocently told me he had been taking her to hang out with this woman while we were together. Things got 1000X worse, he eventually ran off with her. Two kids, at first I was angry, then I was devastated and wanted my family back I would have done anything.

The craziest divorce and custody case more and more crap kept coming out. He realized he made a mistake and a year later comes crawling back but he has to tell me something first. He had a 3 yo child in his country from different woman than the one I caught him with, our youngest was 4 years. A couple of months before I caught him in the hotel I was pregnant and he pressured me into an abortion against my will under the guise he was so concerned about my health as I had lupus and my sister had just passed away from the lupus and my pregnancies are extremely are high risk.

His family all knew about the child and kept it a secret. I had been extremely close with his mother and had to cut her off. To this day he is delusional and insists we are still married and will not allow me to move on with my life. I was a SAHM and was ruined for a short period but I was able to get back into my lucrative specialized field quite easily. I got full custody because he moved across the country for work. I've been in therapy for three years but I'm still quite damaged by thing that he did that I didn't include in this narrative but things are much better for me emotionally now that I have some distance from the events. I am still astounded by his capacity for deception. You are stronger then you know, its not just a cliche.

Holy crap.

[Anonymous]

Well 3 years. He would go to her suburban house on his telework from home days. The days he “needed to run inTo work for something”.

She’s married too. Similar age 2 kids too.

He claims it wasn’t ongoing. He’d feel bad an stop and that’s why he started therapy. He wanted me to meet with her with him to give the details but I said now.

He’s been in therapy. That part he started on his own initiative (about 4 months now) without me having anything to do with it.

Frankly I am completely blind sided.

I never in a million years thought I would be a divorced person. It would be the first in my family- ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well 3 years. He would go to her suburban house on his telework from home days. The days he “needed to run inTo work for something”.

She’s married too. Similar age 2 kids too.

He claims it wasn’t ongoing. He’d feel bad an stop and that’s why he started therapy. He wanted me to meet with her with him to give the details but I said now.

He’s been in therapy. That part he started on his own initiative (about 4 months now) without me having anything to do with it.

Frankly I am completely blind sided.

I never in a million years thought I would be a divorced person. It would be the first in my family- ever.

*meet with his therapist with him— not “her”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And I’m stuck in my damn house and want to throw all of his sh@t out the window.

Go to survivinginfidelety.com you will get lots of good support there.

Thanks

Chumplady.com is better

+1 Way better. OP I'm sorry you're going through this. I've been there twice w/my exH. Infidelity is devastating. Sending you hugs and good vibes. You'll get through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did any of you ever have contact with the person they were cheating with?

Well, my ex cheated with a mutual friend so it turns out that I did have contact with her, but didn't realize it at the time.

Now he's trying to soft-sell his former mistress to our kids but isn't smart enough to delete the photo history in his phone, so the kids can't square the photos of her from years ago with the fact that he insists they only met six months ago.

(For those of you about to freak out because I stayed with him after he cheated with the mutual friend, I didn't know. I found out about it after the fact because once the marriage is broken, people come out of the woodwork to tell you what they knew and didn't tell, because they don't want to be the one to 'break up a family.')

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did any of you ever have contact with the person they were cheating with?

I’m the pregnant lady.

The 1st one no.

The 2nd was a coworker and I saw her at work events, I never actually suspected her specifically she literally looks like a man... like Pat from Saturday night live. My son actually caught them and he was like is dad gay. I was like no that’s a woman. That took a bit of counseling for him.

Oh no! Your poor son.

That is pretty fun about SNL Pat though- thanks for the laugh. I could use one now.

That is funny! Goes to show that people "affair down" in terms of looks.

If that was true people's 2nd and 3rd spouses would be uglier and older than the first. In most cases that is not what happens...at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And I’m stuck in my damn house and want to throw all of his sh@t out the window.

Go to survivinginfidelety.com you will get lots of good support there.

Thanks

Chumplady.com is better

+1 Way better. OP I'm sorry you're going through this. I've been there twice w/my exH. Infidelity is devastating. Sending you hugs and good vibes. You'll get through this.

I just ordered her book. Thanks.

I don’t want to scare my kids right now so trying to think this through. Today is total shock and nausea.

I’m also trying to figure who to confide in. Given the age of my kids and the gossip train network in our neighborhood I don’t want awful things to get back to them. I’m also a very private person.

My mom, sister and brother would be floored. They’ve know him since 1996 and think he’s a great guy. My dad passed away 2 years ago which makes it even more painful that I had a terminally ill father and was going through serious grief (my dad and I were incredibly close) while this was going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did any of you ever have contact with the person they were cheating with?

I’m the pregnant lady.

The 1st one no.

The 2nd was a coworker and I saw her at work events, I never actually suspected her specifically she literally looks like a man... like Pat from Saturday night live. My son actually caught them and he was like is dad gay. I was like no that’s a woman. That took a bit of counseling for him.

Oh no! Your poor son.

That is pretty fun about SNL Pat though- thanks for the laugh. I could use one now.

That is funny! Goes to show that people "affair down" in terms of looks.

If that was true people's 2nd and 3rd spouses would be uglier and older than the first. In most cases that is not what happens...at all.

Actually the affair partners in all cases I’ve seen have been less attractive.

[Anonymous]

Oh and he’s very freaked out about my family or his finding out. Like seriously wtf?

3 f@cking years of deception and lies and putting in a charming act for everyone...and my dad was dying.