Why don't you pay mom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My college roommate's tuition was due and her dad said he just could not afford to pay it; his new (4th!) wife needed a motorcycle to match his, and that's where the money went. She did not speak to him for many years; very hard for a 20 year old kid to make that decision. She did not invite him to her graduation.

He provided a little support here and there, but mostly it was up to her mom and grandparents to come up with rent and food. She never did trust men -- she lived with her boyfriend for 10 years but refused to marry him, then we lost touch. Irresponsible dads leave a lasting mark on the children.

In most states, fathers or mothers are not required to pay for college. Married parents are not required either. 20 is an adult. Its the right thing to do but not a requirement.

That’s the point. Why does the mom end up doing the right thing which may not be the easy thing or the required thing but the dad doesn’t even want to pay for college if it inconveniences the dad...you know the new wife costs, new motorcycle costs. You just made the point that dads don’t do the right thing for their kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My college roommate's tuition was due and her dad said he just could not afford to pay it; his new (4th!) wife needed a motorcycle to match his, and that's where the money went. She did not speak to him for many years; very hard for a 20 year old kid to make that decision. She did not invite him to her graduation.

He provided a little support here and there, but mostly it was up to her mom and grandparents to come up with rent and food. She never did trust men -- she lived with her boyfriend for 10 years but refused to marry him, then we lost touch. Irresponsible dads leave a lasting mark on the children.

In most states, fathers or mothers are not required to pay for college. Married parents are not required either. 20 is an adult. Its the right thing to do but not a requirement.

That’s the point. Why does the mom end up doing the right thing which may not be the easy thing or the required thing but the dad doesn’t even want to pay for college if it inconveniences the dad...you know the new wife costs, new motorcycle costs. You just made the point that dads don’t do the right thing for their kids.

Most mom's aren't paying either. You assume the worst in Dad's. What about when Mom remarries and neglects the kids despite getting child support, alimony and working and puts their needs before their own. What about when mom demand Dad send her money to pay for things and doesn't use the extra money on the kids as stated? What about when Dad sends clothing and mom sells them or gives them away and the kids still go without? No parent is required married or divorced except by court order to pay. You are very entitled to think only a divorced Dad should pay. Maybe the 20 year old barely had a relationship with Dad and he got fed up with how he was being treated. And, maybe the new wife was working and could afford the motorcycle herself. Stepkids are not entitled to stepparents money.

Many Dad's do the right thing for the kids. And, if they are paying child support, that covers their share.

If Dad isn't stepping up, in that situation, why didn't Mom step up and pay for college?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a nanny and worked for a family like this through their divorce. Dad felt that mom was wasting his money and wouldn’t pay because he believed it was all unnecessary.

Doctor bills: mom preferred a more expensive holistic doctor to treat the kid’s chronic asthma, so dad refused to pay. Dad did not seek alternatives that were less expensive, did not make any appointments or manage any treatments, and in fact did not even give them meds during overnights, leading to at least one asthma attack.

The kid was diagnosed with autism. Dad didn’t believe that autism is real, so he refused to pay for any therapy, tutoring, medication, etc.

Dad didn’t care about extracurriculars so he didn’t pay for them.

Not parents were neglectful. Mom should have taken child to a regular doctor. It doesn't sound like child had real medications and you cannot blame Dad for not giving holistic medications. Dad may have not been allowed to do the appointments or anything else per the court order. If Dad only had 1 over night a week there may not have been time. The real issue is why didn't you take the child to the doctor appointments and schedule them as needed if you were caring for the child.

If mom got child support, most of that should be included.

The holistic doctor prescribed real meds. She just also suggested things like supplements that dad disagreed with, which is fine, but again he had the time and the legal right to seek other medical care but his preferred plan was for his child to not need anything so he just refused to acknowledge any needs. Dad was entitled to 3 nights per week, he just never actually took them. Week after week he canceled time with his kid or just no-showed. As for it being my responsibility to seek a cheaper doctor for the children, a) it’s not my money and b) I have no legal right to disagree with mom. Dad disapproved of her chosen course of action, did nothing to find alternatives and refused to contribute even a nominal amount to the kid’s doctor bills.

Cheaper doctor - no, you take the child to the doctor that takes the insurance. Dad was probably not allowed to seek other options as he was not the custodial parent and only had visitation. If Dad paid child support, he was contributing. Mom had custody so she was neglectful. Dad should not have to give fake medicine to a child if he is not comfortable. Mom clearly had enough money if she could afford housing, car, and nanny and pay out of pocket for holistic medicine.

Again, you are trying really hard to justify but believe it or not, some dads are just bad parents. Dad had 50/50 custody on paper, with an on-paper schedule that included 3 overnights over the weekend and a midweek dinner. Dad was not interested in spending and time with his kids so eventually mom took him to court because she couldn’t afford to pay for childcare for all the hours she was responsible for AND all the hours he was responsible for. In court, she offered him full-time custody (because she knew he would never take it). He said that it wasn’t in the best interest of the child and refused full custody. The judge easily saw through it. I had to go to court and testify—it was a mess. I also find it interesting that you are so fixated on the holistic doctor (who took insurance btw), but you conveniently forget that dad also refused to acknowledge that his kid had autism. The kid had an IEP through the schools for his issues but dad just said “Oh he’s fine; he never acts up with me.”—no shit, dad never had him longer than 24-hours and the kid watched tv or played video games and ate whatever he wanted. Of course he’s well-behaved. Dad never showed up for a single PTC, IEP meeting, doctor appointment with ANY doctor, therapy session, etc. I worked there since the kid was born until he was 8 (divorced when he was 5) and I got a front row seat to the whole shitshow.

Side bar, your nanny knows a lot more about you than you think.

[Anonymous]

What moms get clothes from dads for kids and sell them? This is fascinating to me. The effort involved in that is way too much for me. I just want my ex, who claims 50% of the custody and parenting to either pay Child Support or split the child’s main expenses, I’ll cover the day to day. That’s how little we expect of men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a nanny and worked for a family like this through their divorce. Dad felt that mom was wasting his money and wouldn’t pay because he believed it was all unnecessary.

Doctor bills: mom preferred a more expensive holistic doctor to treat the kid’s chronic asthma, so dad refused to pay. Dad did not seek alternatives that were less expensive, did not make any appointments or manage any treatments, and in fact did not even give them meds during overnights, leading to at least one asthma attack.

The kid was diagnosed with autism. Dad didn’t believe that autism is real, so he refused to pay for any therapy, tutoring, medication, etc.

Dad didn’t care about extracurriculars so he didn’t pay for them.

Not parents were neglectful. Mom should have taken child to a regular doctor. It doesn't sound like child had real medications and you cannot blame Dad for not giving holistic medications. Dad may have not been allowed to do the appointments or anything else per the court order. If Dad only had 1 over night a week there may not have been time. The real issue is why didn't you take the child to the doctor appointments and schedule them as needed if you were caring for the child.

If mom got child support, most of that should be included.

The holistic doctor prescribed real meds. She just also suggested things like supplements that dad disagreed with, which is fine, but again he had the time and the legal right to seek other medical care but his preferred plan was for his child to not need anything so he just refused to acknowledge any needs. Dad was entitled to 3 nights per week, he just never actually took them. Week after week he canceled time with his kid or just no-showed. As for it being my responsibility to seek a cheaper doctor for the children, a) it’s not my money and b) I have no legal right to disagree with mom. Dad disapproved of her chosen course of action, did nothing to find alternatives and refused to contribute even a nominal amount to the kid’s doctor bills.

Cheaper doctor - no, you take the child to the doctor that takes the insurance. Dad was probably not allowed to seek other options as he was not the custodial parent and only had visitation. If Dad paid child support, he was contributing. Mom had custody so she was neglectful. Dad should not have to give fake medicine to a child if he is not comfortable. Mom clearly had enough money if she could afford housing, car, and nanny and pay out of pocket for holistic medicine.

Again, you are trying really hard to justify but believe it or not, some dads are just bad parents. Dad had 50/50 custody on paper, with an on-paper schedule that included 3 overnights over the weekend and a midweek dinner. Dad was not interested in spending and time with his kids so eventually mom took him to court because she couldn’t afford to pay for childcare for all the hours she was responsible for AND all the hours he was responsible for. In court, she offered him full-time custody (because she knew he would never take it). He said that it wasn’t in the best interest of the child and refused full custody. The judge easily saw through it. I had to go to court and testify—it was a mess. I also find it interesting that you are so fixated on the holistic doctor (who took insurance btw), but you conveniently forget that dad also refused to acknowledge that his kid had autism. The kid had an IEP through the schools for his issues but dad just said “Oh he’s fine; he never acts up with me.”—no shit, dad never had him longer than 24-hours and the kid watched tv or played video games and ate whatever he wanted. Of course he’s well-behaved. Dad never showed up for a single PTC, IEP meeting, doctor appointment with ANY doctor, therapy session, etc. I worked there since the kid was born until he was 8 (divorced when he was 5) and I got a front row seat to the whole shitshow.

Side bar, your nanny knows a lot more about you than you think.

I would never pay someone to raise my child, especially someone without kids.

She probably didn't invite him to any of the appointment and meets and behind the scenes did things like tell him to to come.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What moms get clothes from dads for kids and sell them? This is fascinating to me. The effort involved in that is way too much for me. I just want my ex, who claims 50% of the custody and parenting to either pay Child Support or split the child’s main expenses, I’ll cover the day to day. That’s how little we expect of men.

That's sad how little you expect. My husband's ex would sell the clothing and shoes. Funny how so many mom's on this board want to slam Dad's but think nothing of Dad's not getting visitation, partial custody, or even phone calls and that's ok as long as the money is coming in for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What moms get clothes from dads for kids and sell them? This is fascinating to me. The effort involved in that is way too much for me. I just want my ex, who claims 50% of the custody and parenting to either pay Child Support or split the child’s main expenses, I’ll cover the day to day. That’s how little we expect of men.

That's sad how little you expect. My husband's ex would sell the clothing and shoes. Funny how so many mom's on this board want to slam Dad's but think nothing of Dad's not getting visitation, partial custody, or even phone calls and that's ok as long as the money is coming in for them.

The thread keeps going back to terrible moms, I keep telling you I’m asking for those who have equal rights, equal visitation, what is the issue here. Also, no offense but I don’t even believe that women just cut off dads and they take it, i think that’s a tale men spun to explain to new women why they don’t care about their kids. I’m divorced and of my divorced group, not one woman blocks contact, resells clothing or spends child support—if any get it, on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son's father is mad at me so he doesn't pay or see his child. Very logical, I know.

I am mad at him too, but I still have to do homework, drs appt, school apts, buy food, clothes, birthday presents.

Screw anyone who is not mature enough to see that hating your ex should never interfere with how you take care of your child.

The real question is why is he mad? Do you give him open access or are there tons of restrictions.

Do you have reading comprehension issues? I said he doesn't see his child which implies he is able to see his child whenever he wants but chooses not to. Please stop with the "evil mom won't let the poor man see his kids" 90% of the time that is NOT the case. And I don't give a damn why he is mad at me. That stopped being important to me a lot time ago and that is why we are divorced. It should not have any impact on how he interacts with his child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son's father is mad at me so he doesn't pay or see his child. Very logical, I know.

I am mad at him too, but I still have to do homework, drs appt, school apts, buy food, clothes, birthday presents.

Screw anyone who is not mature enough to see that hating your ex should never interfere with how you take care of your child.

The real question is why is he mad? Do you give him open access or are there tons of restrictions.

Do you have reading comprehension issues? I said he doesn't see his child which implies he is able to see his child whenever he wants but chooses not to. Please stop with the "evil mom won't let the poor man see his kids" 90% of the time that is NOT the case. And I don't give a damn why he is mad at me. That stopped being important to me a lot time ago and that is why we are divorced. It should not have any impact on how he interacts with his child.

This thread makes me realize how little we expect from men, how easily we forgive them, and how much is on women. My husband left, he cheated, he hit me, and he left. I'm STILL mad at the $hit he put me through, but guess what? I ALLOW contact, if my kid wants to call or text him, I give full freedom and even leave the room to give privacy, I make all the financial contributions because it's MY kid's future that will be affected. I don't do things to piss off dad or make him pay for what he did to me, which now includes blocking my kid from contacting me, teaching him to hate me, etc., I just do what's right for my kid, because that's what a parent should do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son's father is mad at me so he doesn't pay or see his child. Very logical, I know.

I am mad at him too, but I still have to do homework, drs appt, school apts, buy food, clothes, birthday presents.

Screw anyone who is not mature enough to see that hating your ex should never interfere with how you take care of your child.

The real question is why is he mad? Do you give him open access or are there tons of restrictions.

Do you have reading comprehension issues? I said he doesn't see his child which implies he is able to see his child whenever he wants but chooses not to. Please stop with the "evil mom won't let the poor man see his kids" 90% of the time that is NOT the case. And I don't give a damn why he is mad at me. That stopped being important to me a lot time ago and that is why we are divorced. It should not have any impact on how he interacts with his child.

This thread makes me realize how little we expect from men, how easily we forgive them, and how much is on women. My husband left, he cheated, he hit me, and he left. I'm STILL mad at the $hit he put me through, but guess what? I ALLOW contact, if my kid wants to call or text him, I give full freedom and even leave the room to give privacy, I make all the financial contributions because it's MY kid's future that will be affected. I don't do things to piss off dad or make him pay for what he did to me, which now includes blocking my kid from contacting me, teaching him to hate me, etc., I just do what's right for my kid, because that's what a parent should do.

I'm the pp before you and completely agree. This is exactly how I feel. I'm not doing this to my ex or FOR my ex. I take care of my child because that is what he needs and I love him more than life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a nanny and worked for a family like this through their divorce. Dad felt that mom was wasting his money and wouldn’t pay because he believed it was all unnecessary.

Doctor bills: mom preferred a more expensive holistic doctor to treat the kid’s chronic asthma, so dad refused to pay. Dad did not seek alternatives that were less expensive, did not make any appointments or manage any treatments, and in fact did not even give them meds during overnights, leading to at least one asthma attack.

The kid was diagnosed with autism. Dad didn’t believe that autism is real, so he refused to pay for any therapy, tutoring, medication, etc.

Dad didn’t care about extracurriculars so he didn’t pay for them.

Not parents were neglectful. Mom should have taken child to a regular doctor. It doesn't sound like child had real medications and you cannot blame Dad for not giving holistic medications. Dad may have not been allowed to do the appointments or anything else per the court order. If Dad only had 1 over night a week there may not have been time. The real issue is why didn't you take the child to the doctor appointments and schedule them as needed if you were caring for the child.

If mom got child support, most of that should be included.

The holistic doctor prescribed real meds. She just also suggested things like supplements that dad disagreed with, which is fine, but again he had the time and the legal right to seek other medical care but his preferred plan was for his child to not need anything so he just refused to acknowledge any needs. Dad was entitled to 3 nights per week, he just never actually took them. Week after week he canceled time with his kid or just no-showed. As for it being my responsibility to seek a cheaper doctor for the children, a) it’s not my money and b) I have no legal right to disagree with mom. Dad disapproved of her chosen course of action, did nothing to find alternatives and refused to contribute even a nominal amount to the kid’s doctor bills.

Cheaper doctor - no, you take the child to the doctor that takes the insurance. Dad was probably not allowed to seek other options as he was not the custodial parent and only had visitation. If Dad paid child support, he was contributing. Mom had custody so she was neglectful. Dad should not have to give fake medicine to a child if he is not comfortable. Mom clearly had enough money if she could afford housing, car, and nanny and pay out of pocket for holistic medicine.

Again, you are trying really hard to justify but believe it or not, some dads are just bad parents. Dad had 50/50 custody on paper, with an on-paper schedule that included 3 overnights over the weekend and a midweek dinner. Dad was not interested in spending and time with his kids so eventually mom took him to court because she couldn’t afford to pay for childcare for all the hours she was responsible for AND all the hours he was responsible for. In court, she offered him full-time custody (because she knew he would never take it). He said that it wasn’t in the best interest of the child and refused full custody. The judge easily saw through it. I had to go to court and testify—it was a mess. I also find it interesting that you are so fixated on the holistic doctor (who took insurance btw), but you conveniently forget that dad also refused to acknowledge that his kid had autism. The kid had an IEP through the schools for his issues but dad just said “Oh he’s fine; he never acts up with me.”—no shit, dad never had him longer than 24-hours and the kid watched tv or played video games and ate whatever he wanted. Of course he’s well-behaved. Dad never showed up for a single PTC, IEP meeting, doctor appointment with ANY doctor, therapy session, etc. I worked there since the kid was born until he was 8 (divorced when he was 5) and I got a front row seat to the whole shitshow.

Side bar, your nanny knows a lot more about you than you think.

I would never pay someone to raise my child, especially someone without kids.

She probably didn't invite him to any of the appointment and meets and behind the scenes did things like tell him to to come.

You are so full of it. FYI, if you have legal custody of your kid, and coparent is sending you bills from doctor X, then you can call doctor X and ask when your child’s next appointment it. If your kid is in school, you could call the school and ask which day PTC is. If your ex says “I don’t want you at PTC conference” and involved parent says “Tough shit, it’s my kid too.” I am sorry that your ex failed to send engraved invitations for your kids’ childhood, but nobody but you believes that you are anything but a deadbeat and trying to “defend” all these deadbeat dads from the vicious harpies who think they should either show up or pay up makes that very obvious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a nanny and worked for a family like this through their divorce. Dad felt that mom was wasting his money and wouldn’t pay because he believed it was all unnecessary.

Doctor bills: mom preferred a more expensive holistic doctor to treat the kid’s chronic asthma, so dad refused to pay. Dad did not seek alternatives that were less expensive, did not make any appointments or manage any treatments, and in fact did not even give them meds during overnights, leading to at least one asthma attack.

The kid was diagnosed with autism. Dad didn’t believe that autism is real, so he refused to pay for any therapy, tutoring, medication, etc.

Dad didn’t care about extracurriculars so he didn’t pay for them.

Not parents were neglectful. Mom should have taken child to a regular doctor. It doesn't sound like child had real medications and you cannot blame Dad for not giving holistic medications. Dad may have not been allowed to do the appointments or anything else per the court order. If Dad only had 1 over night a week there may not have been time. The real issue is why didn't you take the child to the doctor appointments and schedule them as needed if you were caring for the child.

If mom got child support, most of that should be included.

The holistic doctor prescribed real meds. She just also suggested things like supplements that dad disagreed with, which is fine, but again he had the time and the legal right to seek other medical care but his preferred plan was for his child to not need anything so he just refused to acknowledge any needs. Dad was entitled to 3 nights per week, he just never actually took them. Week after week he canceled time with his kid or just no-showed. As for it being my responsibility to seek a cheaper doctor for the children, a) it’s not my money and b) I have no legal right to disagree with mom. Dad disapproved of her chosen course of action, did nothing to find alternatives and refused to contribute even a nominal amount to the kid’s doctor bills.

Cheaper doctor - no, you take the child to the doctor that takes the insurance. Dad was probably not allowed to seek other options as he was not the custodial parent and only had visitation. If Dad paid child support, he was contributing. Mom had custody so she was neglectful. Dad should not have to give fake medicine to a child if he is not comfortable. Mom clearly had enough money if she could afford housing, car, and nanny and pay out of pocket for holistic medicine.

Again, you are trying really hard to justify but believe it or not, some dads are just bad parents. Dad had 50/50 custody on paper, with an on-paper schedule that included 3 overnights over the weekend and a midweek dinner. Dad was not interested in spending and time with his kids so eventually mom took him to court because she couldn’t afford to pay for childcare for all the hours she was responsible for AND all the hours he was responsible for. In court, she offered him full-time custody (because she knew he would never take it). He said that it wasn’t in the best interest of the child and refused full custody. The judge easily saw through it. I had to go to court and testify—it was a mess. I also find it interesting that you are so fixated on the holistic doctor (who took insurance btw), but you conveniently forget that dad also refused to acknowledge that his kid had autism. The kid had an IEP through the schools for his issues but dad just said “Oh he’s fine; he never acts up with me.”—no shit, dad never had him longer than 24-hours and the kid watched tv or played video games and ate whatever he wanted. Of course he’s well-behaved. Dad never showed up for a single PTC, IEP meeting, doctor appointment with ANY doctor, therapy session, etc. I worked there since the kid was born until he was 8 (divorced when he was 5) and I got a front row seat to the whole shitshow.

Side bar, your nanny knows a lot more about you than you think.

I would never pay someone to raise my child, especially someone without kids.

She probably didn't invite him to any of the appointment and meets and behind the scenes did things like tell him to to come.

You are so full of it. FYI, if you have legal custody of your kid, and coparent is sending you bills from doctor X, then you can call doctor X and ask when your child’s next appointment it. If your kid is in school, you could call the school and ask which day PTC is. If your ex says “I don’t want you at PTC conference” and involved parent says “Tough shit, it’s my kid too.” I am sorry that your ex failed to send engraved invitations for your kids’ childhood, but nobody but you believes that you are anything but a deadbeat and trying to “defend” all these deadbeat dads from the vicious harpies who think they should either show up or pay up makes that very obvious.

THANK YOU!

[Anonymous]

Men are very fragile creatures. Not all, but a vast majority.

Under no circumstances would my ex ever be able to keep me from my child.

[Anonymous]

When I got divorced a friend recommended I take the high ground with my ex regardless of what I really thought of him and it has really worked out. He has been very good with child support and if there is a special need he will pay it because he trusts that I’m not trying to take advantage of him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I got divorced a friend recommended I take the high ground with my ex regardless of what I really thought of him and it has really worked out. He has been very good with child support and if there is a special need he will pay it because he trusts that I’m not trying to take advantage of him.

Yeah, none of us every thought of that before.