Why don't you pay mom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I got divorced a friend recommended I take the high ground with my ex regardless of what I really thought of him and it has really worked out. He has been very good with child support and if there is a special need he will pay it because he trusts that I’m not trying to take advantage of him.

Yeah, none of us every thought of that before.

Obvs, it's our fault for being such bitches, maybe if we weren't they would be good dads.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry you both have to bear the brunt of this. But this is my exact issue, WHY? Why are men not stepping up? How do you consider yourself a decent human when you're cheating another person?

Moms cheat, take the kids and refuse dad contact too

Kids still need to eat and wear clothes. Asshat

Ok, and many Dad's pay child support and that is supposed to go to food and clothing and Mom is supposed to pay a portion. If you cannot handle it, let the kids live with Dad.

But, the entire point is Mom's cheat and withhold the kids. If they are withholding the kids, why should Dad's do anything extra above child support as Mom has basically terminated their rights.

Oh hey look, it's this effing butthurt "why don't you just terminate dad's parental rights/dad is just a check" narcissist troll again. He is all over the other threads, too. At this point, I just laugh when I see these inane responses. I'm sure he derailed this thread, too, and got good narc "supply" from getting everyone riled up. I realize I too am feeding him by writing this, so, well...open wide, moron!

[Anonymous]

My ex is horrible. But he was abusive, manipulative, etc so it’s no surprise it extends to his child.

I’ll also add this. Some men just don’t care. Plain and simple. They don’t care, they’re angry, and they only love the child as an extension of mom. When mom goes away and there is no love, they stop loving the child too.

It can work both ways with genders but this is a thread about men. Doubt any men are going to rise up on this thread and give perspective amongst all the single moms like me. It would be like a pig walking into a campfire where the spit is ready for roasting and everyone has pitchforks.

But maybe some brave deadbeat dad soul will prove all of us wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son's father is mad at me so he doesn't pay or see his child. Very logical, I know.

I am mad at him too, but I still have to do homework, drs appt, school apts, buy food, clothes, birthday presents.

Screw anyone who is not mature enough to see that hating your ex should never interfere with how you take care of your child.

The real question is why is he mad? Do you give him open access or are there tons of restrictions.

Do you have reading comprehension issues? I said he doesn't see his child which implies he is able to see his child whenever he wants but chooses not to. Please stop with the "evil mom won't let the poor man see his kids" 90% of the time that is NOT the case. And I don't give a damn why he is mad at me. That stopped being important to me a lot time ago and that is why we are divorced. It should not have any impact on how he interacts with his child.

This thread makes me realize how little we expect from men, how easily we forgive them, and how much is on women. My husband left, he cheated, he hit me, and he left. I'm STILL mad at the $hit he put me through, but guess what? I ALLOW contact, if my kid wants to call or text him, I give full freedom and even leave the room to give privacy, I make all the financial contributions because it's MY kid's future that will be affected. I don't do things to piss off dad or make him pay for what he did to me, which now includes blocking my kid from contacting me, teaching him to hate me, etc., I just do what's right for my kid, because that's what a parent should do.

I'm the pp before you and completely agree. This is exactly how I feel. I'm not doing this to my ex or FOR my ex. I take care of my child because that is what he needs and I love him more than life.

+2. Men who want 50/50 will get it unless there are mitigating circumstances. If a dad doesn’t have 50/50, it’s often because he doesn’t want it. In general, it’s the women who are the fall back parents when dads don’t want to inconvenience themselves with all that parenting entails. I also agree that sometimes women don’t advocate for themselves forcefully enough to counter the false narrative you hear from some of these men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Actually you are not paying Mom, you are providing child support for the child. The issue is many moms think it is a payment to them and anything extra Dad pays for is for the kids.

This always makes me laugh because it is at the basis of the deadbeats thought process. No need for further explanations this is it. It’s a control thing. Reality Child as money maker said no one ever. Kids are an incredible suck of time and resources.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry you both have to bear the brunt of this. But this is my exact issue, WHY? Why are men not stepping up? How do you consider yourself a decent human when you're cheating another person?

Moms cheat, take the kids and refuse dad contact too

So that’s what you tell yourself to make yourself feel better about not supporting your kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I would never pay someone to raise my child, especially someone without kids.

She probably didn't invite him to any of the appointment and meets and behind the scenes did things like tell him to to come.

LOL so I take it you quit your job and stayed home with your child on your custody days?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry you both have to bear the brunt of this. But this is my exact issue, WHY? Why are men not stepping up? How do you consider yourself a decent human when you're cheating another person?

Moms cheat, take the kids and refuse dad contact too

So that’s what you tell yourself to make yourself feel better about not supporting your kid?

I am a woman and yes I support my kids and I did my step kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I would never pay someone to raise my child, especially someone without kids.

She probably didn't invite him to any of the appointment and meets and behind the scenes did things like tell him to to come.

LOL so I take it you quit your job and stayed home with your child on your custody days?

My kids live with me and yes I did quit. When my step kids visited we switched off and used leave. We both do appointments. One physical, two dental, eye exam yearly plus anything else. My husband has a very flexible job so it’s a nonissue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Actually you are not paying Mom, you are providing child support for the child. The issue is many moms think it is a payment to them and anything extra Dad pays for is for the kids.

This always makes me laugh because it is at the basis of the deadbeats thought process. No need for further explanations this is it. It’s a control thing. Reality Child as money maker said no one ever. Kids are an incredible suck of time and resources.

I feel bad for your kids as you hate all men. It’s controlling that mom gets to choose how the money is spent and no accountability.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son's father is mad at me so he doesn't pay or see his child. Very logical, I know.

I am mad at him too, but I still have to do homework, drs appt, school apts, buy food, clothes, birthday presents.

Screw anyone who is not mature enough to see that hating your ex should never interfere with how you take care of your child.

The real question is why is he mad? Do you give him open access or are there tons of restrictions.

Do you have reading comprehension issues? I said he doesn't see his child which implies he is able to see his child whenever he wants but chooses not to. Please stop with the "evil mom won't let the poor man see his kids" 90% of the time that is NOT the case. And I don't give a damn why he is mad at me. That stopped being important to me a lot time ago and that is why we are divorced. It should not have any impact on how he interacts with his child.

This thread makes me realize how little we expect from men, how easily we forgive them, and how much is on women. My husband left, he cheated, he hit me, and he left. I'm STILL mad at the $hit he put me through, but guess what? I ALLOW contact, if my kid wants to call or text him, I give full freedom and even leave the room to give privacy, I make all the financial contributions because it's MY kid's future that will be affected. I don't do things to piss off dad or make him pay for what he did to me, which now includes blocking my kid from contacting me, teaching him to hate me, etc., I just do what's right for my kid, because that's what a parent should do.

I'm the pp before you and completely agree. This is exactly how I feel. I'm not doing this to my ex or FOR my ex. I take care of my child because that is what he needs and I love him more than life.

+2. Men who want 50/50 will get it unless there are mitigating circumstances. If a dad doesn’t have 50/50, it’s often because he doesn’t want it. In general, it’s the women who are the fall back parents when dads don’t want to inconvenience themselves with all that parenting entails. I also agree that sometimes women don’t advocate for themselves forcefully enough to counter the false narrative you hear from some of these men.

Only recently have dads been getting 50/50 and it is usually a fight. If mom wants to move, it’s usually granted and she gets the kids. Most dads I know would gladly be a full time parent.

[Anonymous]

Not mine. He is happy to pay minimal CS so he can live the single life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Actually you are not paying Mom, you are providing child support for the child. The issue is many moms think it is a payment to them and anything extra Dad pays for is for the kids.

This always makes me laugh because it is at the basis of the deadbeats thought process. No need for further explanations this is it. It’s a control thing. Reality Child as money maker said no one ever. Kids are an incredible suck of time and resources.

I feel bad for your kids as you hate all men. It’s controlling that mom gets to choose how the money is spent and no accountability.

I actually love men, I just hate terrible humans. I consider men who don’t step up to raise their kids terrible humans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a nanny and worked for a family like this through their divorce. Dad felt that mom was wasting his money and wouldn’t pay because he believed it was all unnecessary.

Doctor bills: mom preferred a more expensive holistic doctor to treat the kid’s chronic asthma, so dad refused to pay. Dad did not seek alternatives that were less expensive, did not make any appointments or manage any treatments, and in fact did not even give them meds during overnights, leading to at least one asthma attack.

The kid was diagnosed with autism. Dad didn’t believe that autism is real, so he refused to pay for any therapy, tutoring, medication, etc.

Dad didn’t care about extracurriculars so he didn’t pay for them.

Not parents were neglectful. Mom should have taken child to a regular doctor. It doesn't sound like child had real medications and you cannot blame Dad for not giving holistic medications. Dad may have not been allowed to do the appointments or anything else per the court order. If Dad only had 1 over night a week there may not have been time. The real issue is why didn't you take the child to the doctor appointments and schedule them as needed if you were caring for the child.

If mom got child support, most of that should be included.

The holistic doctor prescribed real meds. She just also suggested things like supplements that dad disagreed with, which is fine, but again he had the time and the legal right to seek other medical care but his preferred plan was for his child to not need anything so he just refused to acknowledge any needs. Dad was entitled to 3 nights per week, he just never actually took them. Week after week he canceled time with his kid or just no-showed. As for it being my responsibility to seek a cheaper doctor for the children, a) it’s not my money and b) I have no legal right to disagree with mom. Dad disapproved of her chosen course of action, did nothing to find alternatives and refused to contribute even a nominal amount to the kid’s doctor bills.

Cheaper doctor - no, you take the child to the doctor that takes the insurance. Dad was probably not allowed to seek other options as he was not the custodial parent and only had visitation. If Dad paid child support, he was contributing. Mom had custody so she was neglectful. Dad should not have to give fake medicine to a child if he is not comfortable. Mom clearly had enough money if she could afford housing, car, and nanny and pay out of pocket for holistic medicine.

Again, you are trying really hard to justify but believe it or not, some dads are just bad parents. Dad had 50/50 custody on paper, with an on-paper schedule that included 3 overnights over the weekend and a midweek dinner. Dad was not interested in spending and time with his kids so eventually mom took him to court because she couldn’t afford to pay for childcare for all the hours she was responsible for AND all the hours he was responsible for. In court, she offered him full-time custody (because she knew he would never take it). He said that it wasn’t in the best interest of the child and refused full custody. The judge easily saw through it. I had to go to court and testify—it was a mess. I also find it interesting that you are so fixated on the holistic doctor (who took insurance btw), but you conveniently forget that dad also refused to acknowledge that his kid had autism. The kid had an IEP through the schools for his issues but dad just said “Oh he’s fine; he never acts up with me.”—no shit, dad never had him longer than 24-hours and the kid watched tv or played video games and ate whatever he wanted. Of course he’s well-behaved. Dad never showed up for a single PTC, IEP meeting, doctor appointment with ANY doctor, therapy session, etc. I worked there since the kid was born until he was 8 (divorced when he was 5) and I got a front row seat to the whole shitshow.

Side bar, your nanny knows a lot more about you than you think.

I would never pay someone to raise my child, especially someone without kids.

She probably didn't invite him to any of the appointment and meets and behind the scenes did things like tell him to to come.

You are so full of it. FYI, if you have legal custody of your kid, and coparent is sending you bills from doctor X, then you can call doctor X and ask when your child’s next appointment it. If your kid is in school, you could call the school and ask which day PTC is. If your ex says “I don’t want you at PTC conference” and involved parent says “Tough shit, it’s my kid too.” I am sorry that your ex failed to send engraved invitations for your kids’ childhood, but nobody but you believes that you are anything but a deadbeat and trying to “defend” all these deadbeat dads from the vicious harpies who think they should either show up or pay up makes that very obvious.

DP. I totally agree. That PP is obviously either a deadbeat dad or a resentful stepmother.

To answer OPs question, I don't know, but when I look around me I see one, maybe two "good" divorced dads and the rest have checked out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I would never pay someone to raise my child, especially someone without kids.

She probably didn't invite him to any of the appointment and meets and behind the scenes did things like tell him to to come.

LOL so I take it you quit your job and stayed home with your child on your custody days?

My kids live with me and yes I did quit. When my step kids visited we switched off and used leave. We both do appointments. One physical, two dental, eye exam yearly plus anything else. My husband has a very flexible job so it’s a nonissue.

DP. Amazing. I totally pegged you were a resentful, jealous stepmother, and turns out I was right. Keep defending deadbeat dads, honey. And I am still happily married to the DH I met at 22, so I have no ex to worry about. I just look around at the grim reality of the divorced moms I see around me and their deadbeat exes, and I can spot resentful golddiggers like you a mile away.